Michael Hyatt | Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

On Re-Learning the Beautiful Art of Friendship

The rather wonderful Stephen Fry upset the internets by telling Irish television host Gay Byrne what Stephen Fry would say to God when they eventually met up.

How dare you! How dare you create a world in which there is such suffering that is not our fault? It’s not right; it’s utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god, who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?”

Because the God who created this universe, if it was created by a god, is quite clearly a maniac, an utter maniac, totally selfish.

He is monstrous, utterly monstrous, and deserves no respect whatsoever.

* * *

Yup, Stephen Fry intends to give God a hard time (and I rather hope God would be merciful and perhaps amused enough not to give Stephen Fry a hard time in turn).

What about Jesus? Would Stephen Fry give Jesus a hard time? Would he dare to? I doubt it. Few people are offended by Jesus.

* * *

Most people love Jesus for his kindness; from my childhood, however, I have wistfully respected his cleverness. The way he got out of the traps laid for him by the scribes and Pharisees. I sometimes realised that fellow students, teachers, nuns or relatives were trying to trap me with their questions (and often did not!), but was rarely quick-thinking, poised, self-confident, or forthright enough to sidestep traps the way Jesus did.

And Jesus impressively summarised monumental ideas in a “tweet“. A sentence. He summed up the law and the prophets (about 622,000 words: 2500 pages in a standard paperback!!) in a sentence–three imperatives. Love God. Love yourself. Love your neighbour.

* * *

Loving yourself. We hear far less of that than of loving God or loving our neighbour.

It certainly wasn’t taught when I grew up in India in the sixties.

What is loving oneself? Caring for ourselves the way we care for our toddlers. Resting when we need to rest. Giving our bodies and minds the foods we need to perform optimally. Not running on empty spiritually, but refilling in God’s presence. Feeding our hearts with good relationships. Forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings and mistakes. Cutting ourselves slack.

Perhaps this radical self-forgiveness makes it easier to forgive others. Perhaps cutting yourself slack makes it easier to cut others slack.

* * *

I went through my entire Facebook today, following some people, unfollowing others. (I periodically do this, thereby giving myself an entirely different newsfeed!)

People who’ve had a near-death experience say their entire life flashed before them. Well, my entire life flashed before me as I looked at every face on my Facebook friends list.

I saw many lovely faces from my past…from primary school and boarding school, from my university days in England and America, from churches in England and America, from writing, from the school gates, former neighbours… Friendships which have endured.

I am more of an extrovert than an introvert. I feel a lot of warmth and affection towards people. I love hanging out with people. I love friendships. But, alas, I am a bit of a classic A type personality, with high expectations of myself and others. Instead of cutting people slack, I can get really annoyed by what is really annoying about them. I sometimes get so annoyed that I basically sever a friendship.

I scroll through my Facebook friends, and see the faces of former real heart-friends, BFF’s who are now just Facebook friends.

And “stalking” these friends’ pages, I see faces of other people I had been good friends with, but had got annoyed with (sometimes for good reason), fallen out with, and am now no longer friends with, at all.

Some faces: so sweet, so full of light. And seeing those faces, I see I had been too harsh, too negative in my judgments, too focused on their very real weaknesses, instead of the very real goodness and light and sweetness in them.

I am sad.

The wonderful Serenity Prayer asks for strength to accept the things we cannot change. To take this sinful world as it is, not as we would have it. There is a lot of wisdom to doing the same with people.

* * *

When I went to St. Mary’s Convent, Nainital, a hill station boarding school in the Himalayas, aged nine, my father, who had himself been sent to a hill station boarding school, Montfort School, Yercaud, aged 6, advised me, “If you find someone really irritating, ignore them. Stop talking to them. But don’t do that too often, or you’ll soon have no one to talk to.”

I obviously hadn’t considered such a course of action, but it became my survival strategy for decades.

Jesus tuned out the scribes and Pharisees and the hypocrites. I have done that erstwhile friends I have got annoyed with instead of talking things through. Instead of learning how to gently confront.

But no more. I will talk things through. I will relate as an adult, vulnerably sharing what is bugging me, instead of relating as the petulant nine year old who solved relational problems by severing the relationship. I will cut people slack, and instead of expecting perfection will ride through the troughs in friendships, the revelation of the shadow side of my friends, just as I would like them to blow off revelations of the shadow side of me with the breath of kindness.

* * *

Michael Hyatt contrasts a successful friend of his with a writer client who craved success which eluded him (and was, incidentally, not brilliant at relationships.)

That success eluded that writer is not surprising. Creativity thrives in a environment of connections and relationships, as Jonah Lehrer observed in Imagine. People are healthier when they enjoy what Dr. Dean Ornish calls “the healing power of social support.” Bowling Alone estimates that each friendship is worth $1000 through the connections, tips, insights and information it opens up. People who enjoy wide, deep and rich friendships are happier, wealthier and healthier!

Because of the mysterious, undeserved grace of God, my life is indeed rich, full, happy and creative. However, it would have been richer, fuller, happier, and more creative, if I had grappled every friend I’ve ever made to my heart with hoops of steel.

* * *

But we can change. We can change at any time. That is the exciting thing about being a Christian.

The friendships I have invested in, I will invest in maintaining.

Change in mid-life? Yup!

* * *

How do we change?

The Greek New Testament word for repentance is metanoia, “to come to your senses; to come to your right mind; to intelligently understand.” We realise that Jesus taught theology in relationship, that Jesus, in effect, behaved as if relationships, vertical and horizontal, were what life was all about; that the core of a happy, successful life was love–loving relationships, kindness, affection. We decide to re-learn the beautiful art of friendship.

But, of course, since perhaps 90% of our psychological, emotional and spiritual life goes on in the dark subconscious realm of imprinted repressed memories, damaged emotions and Pavlovian reactions, changing is more complex than simply deciding to change.

But we have other resources.

We ask for help from above; we ask God to change our hearts. We claim the promise in Ezekiel: I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh (Ez. 36:26). Wow, God changing the deep structure of our hearts, molecule by molecule. (I have experienced this, this slow subliminal change of my heart through the action of God’s spirit within me–so I know it’s true.)

And then we rely on the filling of the Spirit, the Spirit producing fruit within us that we cannot produce ourselves: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, as Paul writes in Galatians.

And so we row on into a happier future, having learned from our mistakes. Row into, possibly, a richer, happier future, than if we had not messed up, analysed our mistakes, repented, and decided to, with God’s help, change.

My One Word for 2015 : Joy

By Anita Mathias

I had wanted to choose “Accelerate” as my One Word for 2014 but God impressed “Alignment” on my heart, and it proved to have been useful through a tumultuous year—a cancer diagnosis, and surgery, the death of my beloved border collie Jake from cancer, a burglary. And some nice things too… being invited to Cambodia for a week by Tearfund; being the runner up for Tweeter of the Year in the Christian New Media Awards; being interviewed on Premier Radio; publishing a children’s book, Francesco, Artist of Florence.

* * *

That cancer now a past tense occurrence, God willing, all gone.

Because I could not stop for health, health kindly stopped for me. Health will be one of my priorities this year

I will have to be careful about diet and exercise–so as not to have a recurrence. My body will have to change its bioeme to become an ecosystem unfavourable to cancer. I will learn stress management techniques, and practice positive psychology, thinking positively. I am juicing to get my diet more nutrient-dense, and am moving towards a raw and plant-based diet.

I thought of choosing “Focus,” as my word for the year because huge things can be done with focus, but no, I had a greater need.

My word for 2015 will be Joy.

* * *

I am training myself to become conscious of my emotional states, of when joy leaches out of me, and am learning to slow down and ask, “Why are you sad, oh my soul?”

And then, I am learning to accept the things I cannot change, and to change the things I can, as in the brilliant Serenity Prayer used by Alcoholics Anonymous, and to be thankful for the rest, the obviously good things, and the more ambiguous things–for there is a God who is writing straight in crooked lines in my life. Again and again, I see this.

When I notice I am grumpy and low-spirited, I tell myself, “Anita, light the sacred flame of joy.” I visualise myself as a priestess in a temple filling the sacred bowl with incense, the seeds of joy, lighting the flame. I start noticing the good things, thanking God for the good things. I ask the Holy Spirit—who, Jesus says, comes on demand–to fill me with joy, those rivers of living water, and He does.

We can change our emotional states, as blogger Michael Hyatt writes. He calls being able to do this his most important asset.

I shift my emotional state by entering the narrow gates of surrender to God. By deciding to walk in love. By praise and thanksgiving. By worship music. By reading a bit of the Bible or a spiritual book. By physical activity, a walk outdoors, or even just tidying the house. By spending time with my family or seeking out a friend to hang out with.

* * *

19 years ago, I told a good friend Paul Miller (author of A Praying Life, often praised as one of the best books on prayer, for instance by Tim Challies) that I had not experienced joy-as opposed to happiness. He volunteered to disciple me in exchange for editing help, and this discipling relationship lasted for 5 years. Joy, he said, comes from dying, from dying to self.

I did not stumble upon joy through “dying;” that was not my path. (However, I learned other things from Paul, about Jesus–I was an editor for his book Love Walked Among Us–about love, and faith, and prayer).

Nonetheless, I was eventually surprised by joy. Joy and peace crept up on me, as my original ambitions were thwarted, and the fierceness of ambition leached away, leaving more of an openness to what God might be doing in my life, to the plot he was writing. To giving God what he takes, and taking what he gives, with a smile—Mother Teresa’s definition of holiness.

So in 2015, I want to experience joy, by seeking it where it lies in plain sight, and if necessary, hunting it down, looking a little harder, a little deeper. I want to light the flame of joy with the incense of praise, of thanksgiving, of faith, of Scripture, of nature, of friendship, all the good and precious things which come down from the Father of Lights.

And if you’d like to pray for me, please pray for vibrant health and that cancer never returns. Eight weeks after surgery, I am glad to report that I feel full of energy, good spirits, health and…yes…joy!

Tweetables

One Word for 2015: Joy. On lighting the sacred flame of joy from @anitamathias1

Have you chosen a one word goal for 2015? What is it?

First Things First, Pomodoros, A Schedule and Progress on New Year’s Goals

By Anita Mathias

Bookshelf BEFORE — Jan 20

Bookshelf — AFTER

C. S. Lewis famously said, “When first things are put first, second things don’t diminish, they increase. You can’t get second things by putting them first; you can get second things only by putting first things first.”

Michael Hyatt spells this out this work-life balance.

“I think it is really important that one’s career come after God, self, spouse, and children. I have seen too many people sacrifice the other four on the altar of work. Usually when that happens, their work life crumbles, too.

Work can be a rewarding experience if you keep it from becoming an idol. However, if you don’t put it in its place, it can suck the life out of you.”

(From Hyatt’s ebook Creating your Personal Life Plan).

* * *

My current challenge is developing my blog while not neglecting the other important components of my life—my marriage, my parenting, my physical fitness and my home. (My spiritual life I rarely neglect for blogging. I cannot do without prayer and scripture—I slip into depression and lose focus.)

I would love beautiful art to spring from a beautiful life, a happy marriage and happy parenting. That not many have managed it is no reason not to try.

So I am planning one walk a week with Roy, usually on Mondays, and one family outing with the girls. We are going to watch The Winter’s Tale at Stratford on Avon this Saturday, and also walk around that beautiful town. And on Friday, Roy, Zoe and I are going to see Mr. Darwin’s Tree, a monologue/ “memoir” of Darwin’s life.

* * *

2 The Pomodoro Technique

Ann Voskamp, that splendidly productive woman, swears by the Pomodoro Technique. Basically, it’s work for 25 minutes by a timer; take a five minute break; repeat 3 times. After the fourth Pomodoro, 100 minutes of work, take a 20 minute break.

I am giving this a trial to see if it might work for me.

Disadvantages—Creatively, it takes me a while to settle down and start writing. I do a bit of reading, both books and online to build up momentum and have words coursing through me before I start. So a break in what I am writing every 25 minutes might be hard.

Advantages—

1. Sitting for long hours slows down your metabolism and your body kind of goes into shut-down, whereas moving every hour raises it.

2. A short break of 5 minutes can break the spell and give you perspective on what you are writing. And new ideas.

3. I might be able to work for longer because of the oxygenation the breaks give me

4. Adherents say the Pomodoro Technique sharpens one’s focus. Heck, anyone can do anything for 25 minutes.

5. It might be a way to get boring tasks like tidying up done without allocating a slot for them

6. It would give me a slot for things like weights and yoga, and apparently even 5 minutes of push-ups or surya namaskar has an incremental effect. You are stronger than if you hadn’t done them!!

7. I could use the 20 minute slot to do things that often drop off my day like gardening, or working on my procrastinated chore it.

So am going to try it. Will let you know how I get on.

Schedule.

Ann Voskamp has written a splendid post —25 ways to save your sanity in 2013—which gives us an insight into her holy, near monastic life!! and how she does it all—runs six children, a blog, writes a beautiful book, and remains a sweet, godly, Scripture-saturated woman. She is my role-model blogger in this respect. (When it comes to leading a disciplined, organized life, my role-model blogger is Michael Hyatt).

Now, if I tried all of Ann’s 25 ways to save sanity this week, I would, well, perhaps not lose my sanity, but certainly, exhaust myself.

But I will slowly work through her list, adapting what’s right for me and my life.

Here’s Ann on the importance of a schedule

“Forty-five percent of what we do every day is habitual,”

“To sing new songs, we need to pay attention to our rituals, the beat of our days, even more than focusing on self-discipline.”

She suggests thinking of the rhythms and actions of the day as a symphony, established note following note.

“Create your rhythm, a harmony of habits. Living in cacophony is more wearing than the hard work of practicing habits. “Laziness means more work in the long run,” writes C.S. Lewis. Flubbing away at whatever strikes our fancy leaves us in far worse dire straits than applying ourselves to the work of playing concertos.”

Our schedule “becomes our everyday liturgy.”

Incredibly, I don’t really have a fixed schedule, a symphony for my days, though there are things I do most days. But, perhaps, through trial and error, I should develop one which works for me.

Anyway, here’s how I have got on with my New Year’s Goals

Writing

On the first things first principle, I have been working on a little book (first draft done, and the whole book should be done next week) and a little bit on my memoir, and have had a good blogging week.

I usually put the blogging first, afraid that if I do it last, I won’t have the mental energy or focus to see it clearly. But I have realized that I don’t need to blog everyday, that the blog still grows with three posts a week since most readers don’t visit every day.

And yeah, since I started putting first things first, and working on the big book and the little book first, the blog has been growing. I have more time to think about, and more time to write my posts.

Wrote Common Grace: Or, Why God Loves Classical Music, Leo Babuata and Gretchen Rubin

And The Parable of the Bridge or “When to Say No to Insistent People”

Which did astonishingly well because of this

michael_hyatt_tweet

Wow, the power of the big guys.

Oops, got careless about applying my Triple-Dog Lock to lock myself out of Facebook and Twitter, and sadly Roy showed me a way to subvert AntiSocial by signing in as incognito.

	Time/week
	Dec. avg.	Goal: Jan 21	Achieved	Goal: Jan 28	Goal – year end
Writing	7h 10 min	19 hours	9 hrs29 mins	10 hours	35h

Social media	11h 17 min	3 hours 30 min	7 hours54 mins	3 hrs30 min	3h 30min

News, Blogs, Magazines	5h 21 min	3 hours 30 min	5 hrs2 mins	3 hours30 min	3 hours

2 Walking

A second week of ice and snow derailed my plans again, but since the thaw I have been making up for lost time.

Week of	Goal	Actually done
	(km)	(km)
Jan 7		29.6
Jan 14	33.6	13.6
Jan 21	14.1	16.4
Jan 28	19.69

I need to build up to 11 miles by September for my walking pilgrimage in Tuscany. Yeah, a bit behind, but using Kaizen, and building time and distance and soon, I hope, speed everyday, I hope to get there

2B Weight

Dreaded plateau, which I hope to break with increased exercise, and watching what I eat! Cumulative loss 3.4 lb

BEFORE- some overstacked

before- some not

3 Domestic Order

Here’s the bookshelf I have tidied, and here is the bookshelf I want to work on. Some bookshelves are overstacked, some are understacked, so I guess I’ll have to balance them.

I limit my clothes to whatever fits in two dressers, one tallboy, and one closet. So whenever I buy anything, I get rid of something, what Irene calls, “cutting off my nose to make more room on my face.” Once a year, I purge everything that doesn’t fit, is worn, faded, stained, or that I just don’t like and never wear.

This is the week for my annual purge. Here is my before picture.

Common Grace: Or Why God Loves Classical Music, Zen Habits and The Happiness Project

By Anita Mathias

(Credit )

So I was tidying our bedroom today, putting my stack of CDs back into their cases and listening to Stravinsky, glorious music filling the room.

And though I had been in a bad mood, for no good reason, ungrateful girl that I am, my bad mood lifted. I unconsciously started praying in tongues. I started praying.

I put Beethoven on next, a CD with the Moonlight Sonata, Appassionata, and Pathetique, music my father had loved. It was his private refuge from the stresses of the day, sitting quietly in the living room, just listening.

And grace flooded the room. Common grace.

The love of God which is shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy Spirit he has given us (Romans 5:5).

And sometimes, through the classical music he has given us.

* * *

In my first decade or so as a committed Christ-follower, I honestly believed the only valid solutions to my problems were to be found in Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Col. 2:3).

I even preferred diet books written by Christians–“Biblical diets” which, in practice, meant whatever the writer wanted to emphasise.

I felt dubious about psychotherapists who weren’t Christian, really believing that true happiness and joy were only found in Christ. (Though, in fact, my two most helpful therapists were not Christian. In the course of our moves, I’ve had one good Christian therapist–but tried dreadful ones who were Christian!!)

* * *

And then, I read this article on “common grace” in Christianity Today by David Neff– Why God Enjoys Baseball.

R. T. Kendall in his brilliant book The Anointing says the same thing. Because of God’s overflowing goodness, his blessing—anointing– is poured out on certain mathematicians and musicians and writers and artists and architects, whether they are believers or not. And He rather enjoys the work of their hands.

The goodness of God cannot be restrained. His sun shines and his rain falls on pagan and Christian alike. He is the true light that enlightens everyone (John 1:9). And he bestows the ability to write and paint and invent and suggest ways to increase the sum total of human happiness on Christian and non-Christian alike.

* * *

A Christian friend recommended Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. And I privately thought, “But happiness is found in God alone.”

But hey, I am a sucker for life-makeovers—being in that phase of creative upheaval called “mid-life”–and bought it.

And it is amazing how much applying Rubin’s simple tweaks increase happiness or decrease unhappiness, which is the same thing, perhaps. Increase energy by exercising, getting rid of the clutter which weighs you down, and going to bed an hour earlier. Deal with procrastination. Keep up with friends. Eliminate as much as possible from your schedule and experience free time again–all these greatly increase our happiness.

As Rubin says herself, after instituting these small changes, “Each day, I felt more joy and less guilt; I had more fun, less anxiety. My life was pleasanter with cleaner closets, and a cleaner conscience.”

* * *

I have recently decided that becoming more organized and efficient was really part of my Christian discipleship, and am becoming passionate about it as I make daily minuscule changes.

A practical blog I highly recommend which will probably make you happier is Leo Babuata’s Zen Habits. I have bought his ebook on the 52 tiny changes which will provide the most leverage and set up virtuous cycles in your life.

Since 2005, Babuata has lost 70 pounds, stopped smoking, gone vegan, started running marathons, started waking early, got out of considerable debt, tripled his income, written successful books and launched a leading blog, Zen Habits, all using a Zen technique called kaizen, used by Japanese companies like Toyota.

Kaizen brings about major change in tiny, incremental instalments. So if you wanted to wake at 5 a.m. instead of just doing it tomorrow, continuing a bit, then crashing (a familiar scenario) you would, tomorrow, set your alarm clock just one minute earlier, and so on, until you were waking at 5.

If you want to take up yoga or weights but are too busy, you’d do a minute of stretches on day one; two minutes on day two and so on, until your own body gets addicted, and becomes its own reminder system and alarm clock.

Babuata has simple wisdom on a way to incorporate fitness with our busy lives. Interperse it with work. Make it social. (For instance, I tweet my Runkeeper records whenever I have broken a personal record, and I tweet and facebook my Fitocracy achievements whenever I move up a level (now on level 6), and looking forward to the showing off is motivational.)

He is excellent on focus, decluttering, simplicity, and healthful living. And, as far as I tell, he’s not a Christian, though not lacking in the true light which enlightens everyone (John 1:9).

So, (though, of course this may have been perfectly obvious to you) if you are trying to lose weight, or declutter or become organized, because of the common grace you can learn just as much from Leo Babuata, or Gretchen Rubin, or Joshua Becker’s Becoming Minimalist Blog as from the Christian Michael Hyatt’s splendidly practical blog—which will also, step by step, make over aspects of your life, (though don’t expect him to talk about housekeeping or cooking any time soon!!)

Books to check out

R.T. Kendall The Anointing on Amazon.com and The Anointing on Amazon.co.uk

Gretchen Rubin The Happiness Project on Amazon.com

Change your Words, Change your Emotions

By Anita Mathias

Speed-reading “just this one.”

Jake, the Collie, finds a spot to rest his weary head.

I finally started a massive project —getting rid of all the books from my second-hand books business which I had for a couple of intensive years, and a couple of desultory years.

Progress, as you can see, was slow.

* * *

But internally, where all that really matters happens, progress has been made.

I’ve worked for 4 days like a Benedictine, balancing ora et labora, work and prayer, thought and creativity.

I’ve always been enamoured by the Benedictine ideal of balance–especially when it’s theoretical. When one actually has to do it: BAH-humbug, the Labora part is highly overrated!! I said to my soul in disgust.

* * *

Of course, I didn’t really need to do this. But you see, during the years of the business, I came across so many lovely art books, gardening books, Christian books, nature, photography, history, biography, literature, poetry and children’s books, which I would have loved to keep. And so many that I did not want to keep. So I needed to sort them, keepers, givers-away to prevent myself drowning in books.

And I was feeling grumpy sorting through these boxes, givers/keepers because you see what I really want to do is pray, read and contemplate scripture, blog, write, garden, and run. Not sort books.

Then I read this blog by Michael Hyatt which says your mental state and attitude are highly dependent on the language you use. Don’t say “I have to,” Hyatt advises; say, “I get to.”

And so I said to myself, with great truth,

I get to sort through 240 boxes of 50 books each, books I have already sifted and discarded the junk from, and keep whatever I want! How great the love the Father hath given that I get to keep the best of 240 boxes of art, poetry, literature, Christian, nature, history, biography, gardening, children’s books, travel and photography books.

And I immediately felt happier.

* * *

Whatever dark or desperate situations you face, there is almost surely a silver lining in them because of the goodness of God. Something positive in them. Search it out. Thank God for it.

And as surely as dawn follows the night, your emotional state will begin to change. It will mirror your honest thanksgiving. You will feel happier.