Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

The spiritual life is not a ladder I need to climb. It is the descent of the dove!

By

A member of my small group has been invited to Buckingham Palace since her husband is going to be knighted.

One needs to be invited to the Queen’s famous garden parties, or you will be politely, but swiftly, ejected.

You can’t invite yourself to Buckingham Palace or the White House: you must be invited!

                                                                                                           * * *

I sometimes wonder if I am going about the spiritual life all wrong.

I am reading Mark Batterson’s The Circle Maker. Oh wow! It’s got me re-excited about praying about every area of my life, and a bit chastened as I realised how many things in my life were vague hopes, or pipe-dreams, or “one day” desires rather than prayers I wrote down, and prayed through consistently.

And so, over the last few weeks, I have been writing down my dreams, hopes, goals and wishes and am praying circles around them.

Already, I am seeing movement. Things I have been  praying for are happening. Things are changing. I keep saying to Roy,  “Wow! That’s what I’ve have been praying for.”

* * *

And then I wondered, “Oh Jesus, am I spending more time praying though my dream-list, than resting in your presence, seeking your face?”

Oh Jesus, I miss you. Am I sort of drifting away from the closeness we once shared, the harum-scarum time in your presence?

Oh Jesus, am I faltering in my love for you?

Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus!

* * *

And then I remember Buckingham Palace. Driving up there in a shiny new car, with my best dress and fascinator is not going to get me into the garden party. I have to be invited!

And I do not get intimacy with Jesus by all my spiritual disciplines, my rising early, my Bible blogging, my prayer, my lectio divina.

I get it because of his mercy. He and his Father deign to come to me, and make their home with me (John 14:23).  He offers me an intertwined life, him living in me, and me living in him.

I don’t have to hustle for this. It is a free gift.

The spiritual life is not a ladder I need to climb. It is the descent of the dove!

So in these tired days, when my spirits can sink, and so I need to take frequent breaks to ask his Spirit to come and fill my flagging spirit, I need to remember that it’s not my efforts at spirituality that cajole the King of Kings to let me live with him.  It is his mercy.

Come, beautiful Lord Jesus. Come, Holy Spirit. Fill my heart and spirit to overflowing.

In Which There’s Justice and There’s Mercy, and Mercy Triumphs

By

September 10, 2013

Sometimes The Book of Genesis sounds both disturbing, and quite contemporary.

In Genesis 34, Jacob’s only daughter Dinah is raped. In revenge, her brothers Simeon and Levi slaughter every male in Shechem, and loot it “seizing their flocks and herds and donkeys, and carrying off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses.”

And what happens to them? What consequences do they suffer? Apparently none at all.

Jacob scolds them, “You have brought trouble on me by making me a stench to the Canaanites,” and moves from Shechem to Bethel.

When the powerful misbehave, they often get away with it, in the short run.

God’s justice sometimes operates at the pace of trilogies or epics, not in sentences or chapters.

* * *

So, in the short run: no consequences for Simeon or Levi. Jacob is probably a little afraid of his powerful older sons who, from this chapter onwards, increasingly take control of the family.

However, when Jacob blesses his sons on his deathbed, he essentially curses his first-born Reuben, (who raped his father’s concubine) and Simeon and Levi, his second and third-born (while passing on the Abrahamic blessing and rights of the first born to Judah, whom he lavishly blesses.)

“Simeon and Levi are brothers—

    their swords are weapons of violence.
6 Let me not enter their council,
let me not join their assembly,
for they have killed men in their anger
and hamstrung oxen as they pleased.
7 Cursed be their anger, so fierce,
and their fury, so cruel!
I will scatter them in Jacob
and disperse them in Israel. (Gen 49)

And so, Simeon’s descendants were absorbed into the territory of Judah (Jos 19:1, 9) and Levi’s descendants were dispersed throughout the land, living in 48 towns (Nu 35:2). They did not get their own land, as the other ten tribes do.

* * *

That’s how our lives go, isn’t it? Simeon and Levi were deceitful, angry, violent, and vengeful. So, to some extent, have we all been.

And their children suffered: they were scattered, losing the tribal satisfactions of living among those who have the same background, culture, history, traditions and quirks. Both forfeited the blessings of the first-born, which would have come to them after Reuben forfeited his.

But they lived long in the land, had children, grew old, unlike those they slaughtered. And these violent men still got to be Patriarchs, fathers of two of the twelve tribes of Israel. And the priests who ministered at the temple were from the tribe of Levi!!

* * *

It is an orderly, organised universe of sowing and reaping. The evil we do has consequences, if only through the corruption of our characters which are our destiny. Through the scarring and maiming of our souls. Sooner or later, we reap what we sow.

But we do not reap exactly what we have sown. For most of us, as for Simeon and Levi, mercy triumphs.

“If you, Lord, should count our guilt, Lord, who would survive?” the Psalmist David writes plaintively.

If God were to punish us for every untrue or mean word, every act of anger or malice or  jealousy, who should stand?

But mercy triumphs, and so weeds do not choke all food plants. Neglected orchards still bear fruit, and human life continues despite our environmental outrages.

And in our lives, mercy triumphs over justice, and so, having asked God’s forgiveness, we can continue to walk  under the sun of his goodness.

Paradoxes, paradoxes. We must try to avoid all sin, for what we sow we reap. But never in full measure, never as much as we deserve, for mercy runs like a gold thread through our universe and through our lives, and it always triumphs over the strictest justice!

In which I Resolve Not to Waste my Time or Passion on What Does Not Really Matter

By

“A man sees an odd-shaped piece of animal skin on the ground in front of him. He lashes out at it with his foot, and sends it skimming across the open, grassy field on which he’s standing. As a direct consequence of this, several million people around the world experience intense feelings of joy or despair.”

The final of the World Cup, as described by the study guide to the Beatitudes we are studying in church

I read it, and prayed, “Lord, never let me squander my emotions and passion on what does not matter.”

* * *

Sports

As a graduate student in America, I watched the entire dorm transfixed by the Superbowl, Big Ten games, basketball or baseball. And here, in the UK, there’s Wimbledon, and the World Cup.

But, of course, unless you own one of the teams, or love a player, none of these things really matter.  It’s just not worth getting intense about.

One may root for Murray, especially if you’re British because there’s an appealing underdog feel to him. However, he’s won far more money and plaudits than 99.99 % of humanity ever will, and does not need us to invest our emotions in his success.

Allowing yourself to closely follow or really care about sporting events, or about who wins an Oscar, or a Booker, or a television content is allowing yourself to care about what does not matter.

* * *

TV

One of my daughters barely watches TV. One watches a few shows, despite my opposition: The Voice, The Apprentice and The Great British Bake-off among them.

“Child,” I say, “Don’t watch other people do stuff.  Invest in your own life. Become amazing yourself.”

She: “But I don’t want to be amazing.”

Me: “Okay then, be amazingly happy. Excellence makes you happy. Doing interesting stuff makes you happy. Proceeding in the direction of your dreams makes you happy, and achieving your dreams makes you happy.”

“Invest your emotional energy in your own life; invest your time in things that matter.”

* * *

Novels

I am sorting out my books, giving away seven a week. When I come to novels, I ask myself it is worth investing hours of my life to read 300 pages of someone else’s imaginings. If it’s not well-written, no. If the plot and setting interest me, and the style is a delight, it’s a keeper.

But though I love the dream of fiction, I am increasingly choosing to read things that matter, that help me know God more, or live my life better, or that satisfy my intellectual curiosity.

Your time on earth is limited, so don’t waste it, Steve Jobs says in this brilliant video.  Or to quote his fellow Reed College drop-out, Donald Miller “I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time.”

* * *

Living Intentionally

As I grow older I am trying to live intentionally, not squandering time, energy or emotion on what does not matter.

Here are some of my practices:

TV

1 I do not watch TV (except for my one addiction, blush, Downton Abbey🙂 No news. I scan the headlines online and read a few articles daily.

Like the Harvard-trained holistic physician Andrew Weil, I am convinced this is better for my mental and emotional health. He writes, “images and reports of violence, death and disaster can promote undesirable changes in mood and aggravate anxiety, sadness and depression, which in turn can have deleterious effects on physical health.”

Some of my friends get distressed and dragged down by the traumatic things they see on TV, while doing nothing about them, and of course, there’s not loads they can do. I am sure this daily exposure to traumatic, distressing or negative news, and the consequent learned helplessness seriously affects one’s shalom (and subjects of conversation).

Though I don’t have TV, I do watch documentaries on DVD, and love them. I love movies too, and probably watch at least 25 a year, carefully chosen!! Would like to watch 100 though!

Games

2 I don’t play computer games, and rarely play board games. The only computer game I have played is chess, and I found it addictive. I play board games with my family to relax, though I think conversation is better, but hey, they love board games. With people I rarely see, I refuse to play board games, preferring to relax with conversation. (Yeah, an old curmudgeon!)

Social Media

3 I have been horrified by what a black hole Facebook and Twitter can be. I am dealing with them by locking myself out of them with AntiSocial and RescueTime when I write or pray or read.

I am also decluttering my Facebook newsfeed. I only defriend if I find people’s comments embarrassing or objectionable or consistently negative, or if they overwhelm me. However, I am hiding those people whose posts annoy me because they are whiny or show-offy or present a false picture of their lives. Or if their posts are mainly negative or trivial.

Happiness is precious and time is short, and it’s insane allowing myself to get annoyed by what people post on Facebook if I can avoid seeing  those posts!

I tell my daughter that she should hide posts from people she barely knows, or does not care about, or does not find interesting, so as to safeguard her time and ‘brain space”—and perhaps I will take my own advice, setting my timer, and editing my newsfeed five minutes at a time, every now and again. And, hopefully, I will end up with a Facebook which only consists of posts from people I really care about, or find interesting, as well as life-enhancing blogs.

My Twitter feed sadly has got unbelievably cluttered. It will take hours and hours to declutter, and I don’t know when I am going to do it. Eventually perhaps, I will create a single, or second, stream of life-enhancing tweeters!

 

I am growing acutely aware that my time and energy is limited, and time spent on Facebook or fooling around on Twitter is time stolen from reading and writing. So I am getting more serious about not wasting my time and emotional energy on what does not matter. Does not matter to me, or to the world, or to the Kingdom of God!

 

What are your black-holes of time? What are your practices for using time meaningfully?

In which Christ Desires Mercy, not Sacrifice

By


Walking through grainfields

Jesus was always getting himself into trouble with the Pharisees, the stern keepers of the law, for his common sense and practicality.

 When his disciples were hungry on the Sabbath, he let them glean. (Matthew 12 :1). When he saw a man with a shrivelled hand in the synagogue on Sunday, he healed him.

Furiously accused for doing what was unlawful on the Sabbath, he answers simply, “ If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent. For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.”

“I desire mercy not sacrifice,” God says. He would, wouldn’t he? He does not need our sacrifices, for the cattle on a thousand hills are his.

What he does covet is our hearts, because he loves us.

He wants our hearts to be soft and gentle, because that is what his heart is like.

I desire mercy, God says.

* * *

I am becoming increasingly aware that the real battleground is within. Follow Christ becomes a joy as we increasingly win  interior battles against grumpiness, against meanness, against unforgiveness, against revenge.

On the days when I have woken up too early and am tired, I am astonished at how swiftly my inner stream of thoughts can turn to negativity. I tell Roy, “I need to be alone a bit. I am feeling negative,” to ensure I do not sin, and do harm with my words.

And then, I have to consciously turn that stream of thoughts to praise and thanksgiving.

* * *

It’s October now, autumn in England, and the leaves are falling. But we have clematis still in bloom in our garden, three rose bushes, one yellow buddleia, butterfly bush, a lone cyclamen, and a stray hellebore.

Always beauty, always something to thank God for, though the days grow shorter, and the nights longer.

And if my negative stream of thoughts turn towards other people rather than towards my own failures and struggles, then, Holy Spirit within me, remind me that God desires mercy, not sacrifice. Help me think of other people mercifully, with the same mercy the Lord God Almighty shows me, his child.

One Novelist’s Long Journey to Publication: A Guest Post by Rachel Allord

By

When my son was born fourteen years ago, I loved being a stay at home mom. Truly I did. And yet at the same time, something inside of me felt restless, like my creativity was slowly drying up. I figured out how to nurse with one hand and hold a book in the other and, consequently, read a lot of novels the first year of my baby’s life.

In time, I also rediscovered another longstanding yet neglected love of mine: writing.

One evening I caught a news story on TV about a high school girl who gave birth in the bathroom during a school dance, hid the baby somewhere, and then went out to dance again. The birth experience still fresh in my mind, this startling story prompted a lot of what if questions—a great place to start for a writer:

What if the baby hadn’t died?

What if the baby had been adopted?

What if the birth mother—thinking that her baby was dead—unknowingly met the baby’s adoptive mother? What if the two became friends? What if the truth came out? 

And bannered above all other questions was:

Is God’s grace sufficient to remove the guilt of even this sin?

* * *

Head swimming, I naively began to draft out what would become Mother of My Son. While my own baby napped, and while I could have been (should have been?) scrubbing my floors, I poured out my story, and it was so fun, so satisfying, and at the end of about six months I had a…. skeleton. The beginnings of what could be a great story.

After sending out my manuscript to garner a few rejections, I bit the bullet and went to a writer’s conference to “find out what those experts know” where I learned, as far as novel-writing goes (in spite of my English degree) I really had no idea what I was doing. So I went home, reworked scenes, fleshed out characters, asked for honest feedback, prayed for wisdom, got a few articles published, read a ton on the craft, and seriously considered quitting before I was in too deep.

* * *

Ironically, adoption wasn’t even a blink on my radar when I began writing Mother of My Son. But life can be funny. My husband and I encountered secondary infertility and ultimately flew to China to adopt the sweetest baby girl ever. Life was full and wonderful and I set my story aside and didn’t look at it for three years.

But I missed it.

I missed the discovery—what will these half-baked characters of mine do next? I missed creating. Especially now since I was bolstered with experiences to flavor my story, and clarity that only comes with time.

So in the nooks and crannies of motherhood and ministry, I rolled up my sleeves and quietly went back to work, letting our family’s adoption story flavor my work. Mother of My Son is not autobiographical but it does contain a big chunk of my heart. Some of my characters seemed far removed from me, like Amber, who leaves her newborn beside a dumpster. I had not walked in her shoes. So I got really quiet and listened, to her and to women who’d tread similar dark and desperate places. And I prayed and prayed and prayed for understanding and discovered that I was not so far removed from her as I had thought- we’ve all felt desperate at one time or another. We all have things in our past we wish we could undo.

Life carried on. My children grew. I kept writing. I studied my favorite authors. I sought feedback. I quit. A week later I unquit.

And as I plodded on, I realized a hard truth: getting my book published was my goal, not a promise from God. I didn’t want to be consumed with this crazy pipe-dream and get stuck in the what ifs and if only. I didn’t want to miss out on moments of my life while I was pining away for something that might never be. Was I “only” supposed to write for my church, my community, and magazines? And if so, would that be enough?

Yes!

I did not arrive there easily but yes; it would be enough. If that were what God had for my writing and no more, it would be enough. I pressed in harder to the Author of all grace and unclenched my fist. I learned how to hold the dream loosely and move forward.

And then one day, twelve years after starting, after what felt like a hailstorm of no’s, I got a sweet yes. Yes, Pelican Book Group would like to publish my novel.

It’s delightful to have a long time goal realized, to hold my book in my hands, to hear readers say they, too, love my imaginary friends but all things—even good things this side of heaven—come with a flip side. Even happy endings include complications and frustrations and disappointments. This is life on earth after all and the stuff of this life cannot fill us up. God, The Creator who’s created us to create, is our sole soul satisfier.

Dreams clutched too tightly die and beautiful hands are open hands, open to the surprises in store for us, and to receive and pour out grace upon grace.

 

Rachel Allord

Rachel Allord

Rachel Allord grew up as a pastor’s kid, vowed never to marry a pastor, and has been contentedly married to her husband, a worship pastor, for eighteen years. She holds a B.A. in English education and is privileged to be both a biological and adoptive mother. Her stories and articles have appeared in MomSense, Chicken Soup for the Soul, and various other publications. Mother of My Son, her debut novel, released in May 2013 through Pelican Book Group. She resides in Wisconsin where she avidly consumes coffee, sushi, and novels– preferably at the same time. Connect with her at rachelallord.com.

Here’s a synopsis of Rachel’s novel

Mother of My Son: College student Amber Swansen gives birth alone. In desperation, she abandons the newborn, buries her secret, and attempts to get on with her life. No matter how far she runs, she can’t escape the guilt. Years later and still haunted by her past, Amber meets Beth Dilinger. Friendship blossoms between the two women, but Beth’s son is a constant, painful reminder to Amber of the child she abandoned. When heartache hits, causing Amber to grapple with the answers to life’s deeper questions, Beth stands by her side. Yet just when peace seems to be within Amber’s grasp, the truth of her past and the parentage of Beth’s son comes to light and threatens to shatter not only their worlds, but the life of the teenager they both love.

 

I Will Not Let You Go Unless You Bless Me

By

I saw you in the middle of the night,

in the middle of my failure.

For twenty years had I striven with my foes,

seven years of hard work for Rachel…

but I was deceitfully given Leah,

whom I did not want. Another seven for Rachel.

Fourteen years, with nothing to show for them,

and then, six years of success

against all odds: Laban’s cheats,

his sons’ cheats, their animosity.

A most unlikely place to make a fortune,

and yet, I did.

 

And I escaped,

and Laban saw that You were with me,

and let me go.

* * *

 And now my brother, my enemy, Esau,

comes against me with four hundred men.

And he has good reason.

I have provoked his anger with my trickery.

I do confess it.

 

On what grounds then, can I ask you to protect me?

 

None, really, save your goodness.

* * *

 How I have wrestled for blessing with Esau, with Laban.

But one cannot trick for blessing, exploit, extort, or manipulate.

You are the giver of blessing,

And you give it freely.

 

I will not let you go, unless you bless me.

I will not take no for an answer.

 

Bless me, bless me indeed,

for that is what I have wanted all my life,

what I have wanted above everything:

Your blessing

 

Then the man said, “You have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

 

Then he blessed him there.

 

 So Jacob called the place Peniel saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.” (Genesis 31) 

How Circling Prayer can Convert a Vicious Circle to a Virtuous Circle

By

Have you ever experienced a vicious circle?

You know: Feel sad. Eat chocolate or sugary treats. Feel hyper or aggressive. It wears off. Feel sad. And grumpy and defeated about the weight gain. Eat chocolate to help you feel better. And then…

Or: Get stressed and tired. Let things lie where they fall. House gets messy. You get too stressed and low-spirited to pick it up. Things get lost and replaced. You feel bad about the mess and the waste of money, and that it would take too much energy to invite your friends over. Tidying would barely make a dent in the mess, so you don’t, and mess grows. And …

Or: Wake late, keep looking at the time. The day is slipping away without much getting done, feel depressed and defeated. Drink coffee, get a second wind, stay up late, aimlessly surfing Facebook, blogs, twitter, newspapers. So can’t wake early the next day. And so…sense defeat through the day.

Very, very sadly, I have slipped into each of these circles for years, even decades of my life!! I do confess it. Thankfully, though, I am not in any of these vicious circles at the moment!

Drawing Prayer Circles: Ways to change a vicious circle to a virtuous one

 I am reading Mark Batterson’s The Circle-Maker. Mark talks about drawing figurative circles around your Jericho, the one dream you have longed for all your life, the dream your life has always tended towards, and pray bold, fervent, consistent prayers over it. Powerful prayers need to be specific, he says, just as powerful writing does.

I recently read a fascinating book called The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg which mentions keystone habits, which set up a cascade of positive changes in one’s life. One of these is exercise, which is scientifically proven to make you feel better through the release of endorphins, so that you sleep better, work better, feel happier, and have better relationships. Other keystone habits, unsurprisingly, are waking early, and domestic order.

* * *

So one way to change a vicious circle to a virtuous one is to circle it in prayer–pray circles around it. The habit you want to change will be uppermost in your mind, and grace will be given you to make the tiny necessary changes, which will start a virtuous circle in place of the vicious one.

I have started circling many areas of my life in prayer— my husband, children, memoir, blog, writing plans, weight, home, garden, career, finances, love of travel etc.

And in each of these I am praying for a virtuous circle—where each action creates momentum and leverage, making the next virtuous action easier.

My Personal Jericho

Can you put a due date on the walls of Jericho crumbling? In Joshua 6, it was on the seventh day.

I’ve set a date for my Jericho to collapse—September 29th, 2016. It would be the day I first arrived in England, full of dreams and hopes and ambition, which have not been fulfilled, but life is long, and sometimes, God prioritises changes in you before he lets your dreams come true.

So these are the walls of Jericho which I would like to collapse by September 29th, 2016.

1)   I would like to finish my memoir, which is now in a polished second draft (while not neglecting my blog).

2)    I would like to get healthy. I am currently 84 pounds overweight, and I would like to get to a healthy weight

3)   I would like to get the house decluttered, with everything in its place, and everything not beautiful or useful donated or chucked. (We’ve been tidying and decluttering weekly since summer 2008, so have made huge progress on this).

4)   I would like to wake at 5 a.m.

Am I biting off more than I can chew? Who knows, but with God’s help, I believe the walls of this Jericho will crumble.

* * *

Synergy

And I hope these goals are synergistic, and will set up a virtuous circle in my life

1 Exercise will help me sleep better, be clear-headed for writing, and feel happy. It will, also, God willing, build up muscles which will boost my metabolism.

I am planning to continue losing weight through Dr. Furhman’s Eat to Live diet as a template (with some deviations), and have already lost 18 pounds on it. It is a nutritarian diet, so, God willing, I will continue to rarely be ill, and to have high levels of energy.

2) Waking early will give me more time to exercise, to tidy the house, and to write, and will give me an increased sense of well-being and shalom.

3) Keeping the house orderly and tidy will increase my shalom and mental wealth. And increase focus for writing.

4) Writing–well that’s in a category in itself! The way it could help my other goals would be through the happiness it gives me. Though Julia Cameron suggests that writing down your words daily helps you lose weight.

So that’s it. That’s the Jericho I am praying around. If you think of me, pray for me, please?