Anita Mathias | Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

My Train Wreck into Grace

Sometimes, when my tongue runs away with me, and I use my words to express anger rather than bestow grace, and those words steal life and strength and peace rather than lavish them, I see the red flag of Jesus, and am stopped dead in my tracks.

But sometimes, I don’t stop, and don’t listen to Jesus, and feel that I am out of control, a train rushing on…

I might eat whatever is quick and easy or delicious, rather than whatever is a blessing to my body.

Or my marriage might enter a vicious spiral of criticism, resentment, judgement and anger,

And there we go, rushing on, rushing on, knowing that no good can come from expressing runaway emotions, knowing that what one sows, one reaps…

On and on, we rush, speaking carelessly, heading for a train wreck, smashing past the level crossing, towards the other train.

And that’s when I understand grace and the mystery of the cross

What I sow I should reap, right? But that was before Jesus came.

* * *

Our train hurtles on, and Jesus sees that we are going to crash.

He steps in.

And our train still hurtles headlong; we are out of control.

And He absorbs the crash in himself.

And we crash into grace; we crash into Jesus.

I am redeemed.

My marriage is redeemed

Because of the grace Jesus died to bring me.

Because of grace.

* * *

He keeps me on track, he keeps my marriage on track,

Keeping me on the rails

Because he absorbed the impact at Calvary,

Of all this foolish, headlong sin.

Oh, I trust grace

I trust mercy.

* * *

If the world were governed by dreary cause and effect,

And a woman could reap only what she sows,

Lord, who would stand?

But you stand between us and destruction,

For this we revere you.

For it’s not a mere mechanical world of crime and punishment.

It is a world of miracles.

It is the world of Jesus where he lives.

It is a world where Jesus stands in front of us,

Absorbs the impact of our bullet trains

Speeding at a million miles an hour towards self-destruction

Is smashed,

Rises,

And in that resurrection is hope that I, who live in him, shall also rise.

* * *

Lord, sharpen my eyesight

Help me to see your red flags in time,

To repent in time

And when I do not,

When I crash,

Let me crash into grace!

The seventy times seventh chance,

The four hundred and ninetieth chance,

The infinite chances you lavish on me in the land of the living,

Because you love me!

The Worst Evangelism Question Ever, or, When we See Him Face to Face

By Anita Mathias

Pompeo Batoni: The Prodigal Son

The worst evangelism question ever in my opinion is:

“If God were to ask you, “Why should I let you into my Heaven?” what would you say?”

The lovely pastor of our first little church in Williamsburg, Virginia, was all gung-ho about Evangelism Explosion. When we were new, he visited us with a man he was training, and popped the Evangelism Explosion question, “If God were to ask you, ‘Why should I let you into My Heaven?’ what would you say?”

I said, “I know the correct answer, but to be honest, that isn’t what I am going to say.”

Now, 19 years later and even more confident, I would snort and say, “No way is God going to ask silly questions on that emotional and glorious occasion.”

* * *

Because you see, in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, Jesus has told us what it’s going to be like when we meet his lovely father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”

And because I am God’s prodigal daughter–unbelievably, but definitely, because he is so incredibly good and kind–I believe he will be filled with compassion for me, run to me, throw his arms around me, and kiss me.

And I will say, head bowed, through heartfelt tears, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your daughter.’

And seeing the holiness of his face, and his sheer goodness and loveliness, everything I have ever done will come crashing in, and I will hang my head, overcome and ashamed.

And he will say, “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on her. Put a ring on her finger and sandals on her feet. ²³Bring the fattened calf for there are no calories or cholesterol in heaven. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴For this daughter of mine was dead and is alive again; she was lost and is found.”

* * *

And if this amazing Father could possibly ask that silly imaginary question, “Why should I let you into my heaven?” I would say,

“Because you are my father, and I am your daughter, and your home is mine.”

“Because I have messed up and repented, messed up and repented, again and again, but through it all, through it all, oh I have loved you–oh so very much.”

And he will say “Come,” because that is his nature.

The role of Enemies and Frenemies in God’s Plan for our Lives

By Anita Mathias

Have you ever had an enemy, or a competitive frenemy? You know the sort of person who, if your name comes up to speak, or be in an anthology, or a panel, or win a prize is certain to, covertly and insidiously, block you?

I guess no one can escape them, even someone who is“irreproachable: as painfully thin as anyone could wish, without quirks, without oddities, capable of going from perfect bride to perfect mother, with no messy deviation.”

Sometimes, we have behaved in such a way that they have good reason to block us from “glory” or damn us with faint praise. And, sometimes, it is sheer jealousy and insecurity, which we have not deserved.

* * *

Enemies and jealousy are a fact of life. But they are not in any way to disturb us or frighten us. They were written into the blueprint of our lives from the foundation of the world, and whatever opportunities to “star” they deprive us of, were, of course, not opportunities God wanted us to have right then. Enemies, by virtue of thwarting and blocking our weak, foolish and undirected ambitions, in fact, help keep us focused on the main thing.

And—and, this must be infuriating to the enemy—their blocking us is only going to make us stronger, if we continue seeking after Jesus.

No one can block the life of Jesus in us. And so Paul writes, ¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray continually, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5:16.

* * *

As a river hits rock, it turns in another direction. If it did not hit obstacles of hard, gravelly, rocky soil, it would become a swamp, a marsh, a pond. It would never reach the sea. But the impermeable rock it meets, the friend who will not be appeased in our terms, forces it, in its contorted, twisty way, towards the ocean.

When I look back to times when I was blocked, for many of them, I feel thanksgiving. Yes, I do!

I think of a group I was in four years ago in my previous church, led by a little cocky Eastender who had spent time in jail. (Yeah, it all was a bit of a soap opera!). This fellow, I’ll call David, loved to hold forth, and I guess, so did I, then. Once when he asked me to lead the group, he kept interrupting every sentence, and to his wife’s frown and admonitory shake of the head, subsided, muttering, “It’s not a sermon!”

He suggested we split into midweek triplets. I have long had a dream of leading a group which would read through the Bible. (I know now that I will never lead it, because my call to write and blog has grown so much stronger, but I still dream of belonging to such a group.)

So when he suggested prayer triplets, I emailed all the women in the group asking if they wanted to meet in my house, read through the entire Bible, week by week, and then pray. Pretty much everyone wanted to.

Well, this little man went ballistic. My inbox filled with hysterical emails accusing me of undermining him; there were hysterical angry phone-calls. He sent me idiotic questionnaires asking what I considered the ideal qualities to host a group or lead a group, questionnaires I wisely ignored. I didn’t lead that mini-group.

I was blocked in another group I did lead, thank goodness, thank goodness, and soon left that church which seemed to be as much about contending for status, position and importance as about following Jesus Christ.

* * *

So what happened? I had been leading groups for over ten years, and got into the habit of sharing my thoughts and insights with the group rather than write them down.

The impulse to meditate on Scripture and share my thoughts was still strong in me. Was God-given. When I was not leading, the thoughts and insights still came, a stream of living waters within me, but I wrote them down.

Within six months, in April 2010, I began blogging. The river of God’s life in me, blocked in one direction turned to another, which happened to be God’s true call for me.

* * *

And have I forgiven David? Yeah, sure I have. I was upset and angry then, even burst into tears in one of the phone calls with this man who was so terrified that I might possibly have a greater gift than this—but ultimately, he behaved so stupidly that it was easy to forgive.

Premeditated malice ah, that’s a different ballgame, but even then, God has permitted us to have enemies for our own good.

* * *

What our enemies do for us: We learn to act graciously and with dignity in the face of our enemies, as I did not do then, but do increasingly now. We learn to forgive—and essentially blow off their injury (and sometimes we can blow them off, glory be to God!!).

We learn to trust God that our enemies might block short-term “glory,” but cannot block the long-term purposes of God in our lives. And we learn to keep on keeping on, and when we see God give us the opportunities our enemies denied us—but just bigger and better, oh, our trust is immeasurably deepened.

I joined another local church which I did love, was soon asked to co-lead a group, and did so, but after a year, realized that leading groups was no longer in God’s plan for me, that I could share what the Spirit says to my spirit and perhaps the Church with more people through my blog.

* * *

Somerset Maugham has a splendid story called The Verger. An illiterate man is fired by the snooty new vicar from his job as a church verger. He drifts into business, and becomes wildly successful.

When the bank manager discovers that he was illiterate, “the manager was so surprised that he jumped up from his chair.

“That’s the most extraordinary thing I ever heard.”

He stared at him as though he were a prehistoric monster.

“And do you mean to say that you’ve built up this important business and amassed a fortune of thirty thousand pounds without being able to read or write? Good God, man, what would you be now if you had been able to?”

“I can tell you that sir,” said Mr. Foreman, a little smile on his still aristocratic features. “I’d be verger of St. Peter’s, Neville Square.”

* * *

I got into blogging because I was blocked in a manuscript I had trouble wrapping up, and because being blocked from teaching the Bible after doing so for seven years left me with time to meditate and more ideas than I had people to share them with. And so I wrote them down. And blogging has been life-transforming for me, and so I bless all who have brought me to it.

Drowning my Sorrows in Art—but is it Idolatry?

By Anita Mathias


Angelic Choir, Burne-Jones, St. Paul Within the Walls, Rome

For decades now, when I have felt bored or sad or troubled or angry, when I have any sense, I pray…but also I read a book, or listen to it as I walk. I watch a movie. I try to get to an art gallery. And in the book, or the film, or the paintings, I forget my troubles.

Is this idolatry? I know Christ is the ultimate answer, that God is the sea in which the river of my life will find rest.

But just as YES is a great theological word, the word in which all God’s promises end in Christ, so too is AND.

Yes, Jesus is balm and the panacea for our spirits.

But Art too is a staff that helps us bear the ills of life

Art is the spark

From stoniest flint

That sings

“In the dark

And cold,

I’m light.”

“How is it possible to be a Christian and an Alcoholic?” (From Brennan Manning’s “Ragamuffin Gospel)”

By Anita Mathias

Image Credit

“Often I have been asked, “Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?”

“It is possible because I got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure, because I got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel.

There is a myth flourishing in the church today that has caused incalculable harm—once converted, fully converted. In other words, once I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, an irreversible, sinless future beckons. Discipleship will be an untarnished success story; life will be an unbroken spiral towards holiness. Tell that to poor Peter who, after three times professing his love for Jesus on the beach, and after receiving the fullness of the Spirit at Pentecost, was still jealous of Paul’s apostolic success.”

Paul Tillich on Grace

By Anita Mathias

“Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the empty valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when, year after year, the longed for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage.

Sometimes, at that moment, a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying, “You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now, perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept that fact that you are accepted.” If that happens to us, we experience grace.”

(Paul Tillich, Shaking the Foundations)

Living in the Updraft of the Wild Goose of the Holy Spirit

By Anita Mathias

Wild Geese fly in a V formation. The lead goose reduces the wind resistance; the others glide, almost effortlessly, in the currents she has created.

During a storm, the eagle waits perched on the edge of its nest for the wind to gain sufficient velocity. And then it spreads its wings wide and effortlessly glides into the winds of the storm.

* * *

Have you ever seen hawks or eagles soar, wings outstretched, rising without a single beat of their enormous, magnificent wings, soaring, soaring? They are soaring on thermal currents—masses of air that rise when the ground rapidly warms up.

And sometimes, they soar on obstruction currents, when wind currents are deflected by mountains, cliffs or tall buildings. The resulting updraft lifts them to high altitudes at which they can glide.

* * *

The Wild Goose was an emblem of the Holy Spirit in Celtic tradition. And the eagle, in Scripture, is a symbol both of God, and God’s people.

Eagles rarely waste their energy flapping their enormous wings—they soar on thermal currents, obstruction currents, and on the wings of the wind…

I have been reading about “the anointing,” in R. T. Kendall’s splendid book, “The Anointing.”

He writes: “the anointing is when our gift functions easily. It comes with ease. It seems natural. No working it up is needed. If one has to work it up, one has probably gone outside one’s anointing. If one goes outside one’s anointing, the result is often fatigue, that is weariness or spiritual lethargy that has been described as ‘dying inside.’”

* * *

I find that with my writing on my blog, and indeed all writing. If I listen to what the Spirit is saying to me through the events of my life, record the mini-revelation or “revelations” given to me each day by the God who speaks continuously and is never silent (God is speaking. Not God spoke, but God is speaking. He is by His nature continuously articulate. A W Tozer) then blogging is quick, easy and delightful. And what’s more, it very often speaks to people.

But when I look at other people’s important mandarin posts, strategic posts that capture the zeitgeist and echo what everyone else is writing about, and wonder if I should go and do likewise that blogging feels heavy, a chore, work rather than play. Why? Because the wind of the Spirit is not helping me soar; I have to expend scarce energy with a mighty, exhausting flapping of wings.

There is a lightness to God’s work, an abounding creativity–tossing off creating zebras, giraffes, toucans, morpho butterflies or orchids. It is not fanciful to suppose that God was at play as these beautiful things came into being, step by step through the mighty forces of evolution. Work merging into delightful play.

* * *

In his book, Homo Ludens, or Man the Player, the Dutch historian and cultural theorist, Johan Huizinga, suggests that culture stems from man at play, man simply playing with words, or music or paint or the sketches of mighty cathedrals.

And when I record the whispers of the spirit, write in the updraft of the wild goose of the Holy Spirit, blogging is easy, light and delightful. And I am playing in the fields of the Lord, thinking aloud, possibly, probably making mistakes–but oh, it is all such fun!!

The Best Two Word Definition of Love

By Anita Mathias

There was a prophetically poignant moment in the otherwise fairytale romance of Prince Charles and Lady Diana.

Interviewer: Are you in love?

Diana, instantly, “Of course.”

Charles, qualifying, “Whatever in love means.”

Probably every marriage goes through “Do you love each other?” “Of course.” “Whatever love means…” seasons.

And then it helps to remember the best definition of love I know: Love Does. It is not just a feeling, an abstract noun, but a verb.

So, this Valentine’s Day week, I have been considering what Love Does, and how to make tiny changes in my relationship with Roy.

Well, a walking date together each week, and I will help clear the dishes after meals. Normally, he has been doing that while I deal with the email, tweets, Facebook messages and blog comments which have invariably accumulated during the meal. Yeah, social media is time-consuming!! And so is love!

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