Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

My Train Wreck into Grace

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Sometimes, when my tongue runs away with me, and I use my words to express anger rather than bestow grace, and those words steal life and strength and peace rather than lavish them, I see the red flag of Jesus, and am stopped dead in my tracks.

But sometimes, I don’t stop, and don’t listen to Jesus, and feel that I am out of control, a train rushing on…

I might eat whatever is quick and easy or delicious, rather than whatever is a blessing to my body.

Or my marriage might enter a vicious spiral of criticism, resentment, judgement and anger,

And there we go, rushing on, rushing on, knowing that no good can come from expressing runaway emotions, knowing that what one sows, one reaps…

On and on, we rush, speaking carelessly, heading for a train wreck, smashing past the level crossing, towards the other train.

And that’s when I understand grace and the mystery of the cross

What I sow I should reap, right? But that was before Jesus came.

* * *

Our train hurtles on, and Jesus sees that we are going to crash.

He steps in.

And our train still hurtles headlong; we are out of control.

And He absorbs the crash in himself.

And we crash into grace; we crash into Jesus.

I am redeemed.

My marriage is redeemed

Because of the grace Jesus died to bring me.

Because of grace.

* * *

He keeps me on track, he keeps my marriage on track,

Keeping me on the rails

Because he absorbed the impact at Calvary,

Of all this foolish, headlong sin.

Oh, I trust grace

I trust mercy.

* * *

If the world were governed by dreary cause and effect,

And a woman could reap only what she sows,

Lord, who would stand?

But you stand between us and destruction,

For this we revere you.

 

For it’s not a mere mechanical world of crime and punishment.

It is a world of miracles.

It is the world of Jesus where he lives.

 

It is a world where Jesus stands in front of us,

Absorbs the impact of our bullet trains

Speeding at a million miles an hour towards self-destruction

Is smashed,

Rises,

And in that resurrection is hope that I, who live in him, shall also rise.

* * *

 Lord, sharpen my eyesight

Help me to see your red flags in time,

To repent in time

 

And when I do not,

When I crash,

Let me crash into grace!

The seventy times seventh chance,

The four hundred and ninetieth chance,

The infinite chances you lavish on me in the land of the living,

Because you love me!

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Comments

  5. Touching and beautifully written! As I was reading this, I suddenly had an impression that you would be wonderful at public speaking. I think that impression was from God.

    • Thank you. I have won a lot of prizes at debating in school and college, but since then have only spoken on a handful of occasions. I would love to–but I would prefer to wait for God to open the door.
      Also, Chuck Colson in later life regretted all the time he spent speaking, feeling that would he wrote could bless people over and over, years after he wrote it, whereas the spoken word generally vanishes into thin air.
      So I am going to wait for God to open doors for me in his way and time, and not hammer on them! 🙂

      • Yes, I agree that it’s best to wait for God to open the doors. 

        Still, I think it would be unwise to dismiss the importance of live interactions. There is a place for both written and aural communication. (Rick Joyner has written about some of the differences between people who mostly read and those who mostly listen.) As a result of a medical problem, for the last few years I have not been able to attend conferences, as I used to. I miss the immediacy and the impartation that are possible in a live setting.

        I hope God gives you more opportunities for speaking. But absolutely, your writing has a great impact.

        • Thank you, Don. I have spoken at women’s events and to women’s groups over the last few years, and enjoy it, though writing is far more stress-free. Yes, I will wait for God to open doors if he wishes me to use the gift in the short term. In the long term, I feel sure he will open doors–that must have been the purpose of all the hours and hours i spent on debating in school and college.

          I really like Luke 14–take the lower place till God says, “Friend, come up higher,” because then you are in the exact place God meant you to be, and are not risking pushing yourself into a position beyond your gifting.