Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

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He Makes the Failures of Friday Beautiful in His Time

By Anita Mathias

Ravaged by grief,

she saw you standing right there,

but did not recognize you.

 

She was living in Friday,

That traumatic Friday.

 

But it’s Sunday now,

And there you stand,

In front of Mary.

 

It’s a new day,

The only day that really counts.

Today.

* * *

Lord Jesus,

I give you the Fridays of my past.

My Fridays of trauma and grief

The Fridays I was betrayed,

The Fridays I failed.

 

It’s Sunday now,

And there you stand in front of me,

Oh Lovely One!

 

And you make all things new.

* * *

Cleopas walks downcast,

His hopes have crumbled.

He has seen betrayal, and he has learned

Religious leaders can be evil.

He walks, sad, foolish

And slow of heart,

Thinking of crumbled hopes

And his beloved

Humiliated teacher

 

Who walks beside him,

Always walks beside him.

* * *

Forgive me, Lord,

For the times I walked in darkness,

Shrouded in self-pity,

Unable to get over past betrayal,

Past evil, past disappointment;

My vision darkened as I considered

Other people’s evil

Instead of clearing the logs from my eyes.

 

Living in Friday.

 

Not noticing you

Walking beside me,

Always walking beside me,

Even in my valley of suffering

 

Offering this heart,

Still puckered with yesterday’s vinegar,

Fresh bread.

 

It is Sunday, today,

And you feed me

With the breaking of the bread,

 

And beauty and creativity,

And you say, “Be not afraid of broken things.

Even the Christ had to suffer.

Be not afraid.”

 

“When you walk through the waters, I’ll be with you

And the floods shall not overwhelm you,

When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned,

And the flame shall not consume you.”

* * *

 Thomas says:

“Oh, the failure was dreadful,

Humiliating.

How could it be the Lord?

 

I saw hasty nails pierce

Those exquisite hands.

The impatient spear

driven into his side.

 

He failed

despite his prayer,

our prayer,

all the love, the preparation,

the hopes,

He failed.

They killed him.

 

But if prayer worked,

as he said it would,

If faith could move mountains,

as he said it would,

if his Father loved him,

As he said he did,

If he was God,

As he said he was

 

Would there have been that disgrace,

The mocking crown of thorns,

The mocking scarlet robe,

The stripping, the crucifixion?

* * *

 

“Thomas,” they say.

“He’s alive now.”

 

Faith!

I have no faith left.

I am bereft of faith.

 

Unless I see the nail marks in his hands

 and put my finger where the nails were,

 and put my hand into his side,

I will not believe, I say.

 

* * *

And then, I see him,

And words fail me

And I kneel,

 

And all I can say is

My Lord and My God.

* * *

Oh stupid Thomas!

 

Forgive me, Lord for my stupidity.

For believing you come

Only in day, and not in night,

Only in summer and not in winter

Only in success and not in failure.

Only in glory, never in shame.

 

My Lord and My God

Forgive me for needing

to see your radiant, risen body

 

To realize that there was beauty too

In the three hours on the cross

When you were the voluntary scapegoat

For a selfish world.

 

I believe.

Help my unbelief.

 

Help me to accept from your hands

Whatever you give me

With praise, and thanksgiving.

 

The lacerated hands,

The mauled side,

They too are part of the beautiful body of Christ

 

Things you make beautiful in your time.

 

May I never forget this,

lovely Lord Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: In which I play in the fields of poetry Tagged With: Beauty, brokenness, failure, redemption

Grieve No More For All That’s Broken

By Anita Mathias

File:Sainte Chapelle - Rosace.jpg

Wheat must be crushed to become bread

And bread broken to be eaten.

 

The chrysalis crumble for the butterfly,

The egg splinter for the chicken.

 

And sheets of coloured glass

Must be shattered

To become stained glass

Through which the love of God–

In rainbowed light–

Shines.

* * *

And I consider…

 

Did growth spring green

From my own brokenness?

 

It always does!

 

My rejected manuscript

Got me to hone my craft,

Again, more diligently.

Read more.

Write differently,

— simply.

 

The friendships which shattered

With shards of my heart–

Well, I sure won’t make those mistakes again,

But treat precious friendships as what they are–

Precious.

 

Burnt by fires I lit,

In the emotion of the moment,

I am learning to take

Emotion to Christ, and be

Governed by Christ, and by head

And spirit—not wild emotions.

 

* * *

There is much I have broken.

What stained glass,

what mosaic,

can I build from the shards?

 

I have extracted this from the fires:

And it is worth the pain

For the peace it gives,

 

I cannot do life by myself.

 

For if I do, I will drop and break

My beloved antique vases.

 

The best I can do

With my writing

Is hand it over to You

To blow through the molten glass

Of broken dreams:

Delicate faery things

 

I give you the rest of my life

More  whole-heartedly

Than if I had not mucked it up.

 

You manage my life, Lord.

It’s now your worry. *

 

* “ A man once worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, “Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?” To which the man responded, “That’s your worry.”

Filed Under: In which I play in the fields of poetry Tagged With: brokenness, Poetry, redemption

Blessed are the Failures

By Anita Mathias


Blessed are the broken,

Blessed are the failures,

Who set out to do glorious things

Everest, Antarctica… higher, faster, stronger, first

Whose bright promise was praised

And they believed their press.

Who have schemed and striven and intrigued,

Only to find themselves with empty hands

After they wrestle though the night with the Mysterious One

Whose face they cannot see,

Who will not share his name,

Refusing to let him go unless he blesses them.

 

And then he does.

And this is the blessing:

He wrenches the tendon of the hip

So that, ever after, one walks with a limp.

 

Ah, what kind of blessing is this?

You have disabled me.

I will never run again.

Climbs will exhaust me.

I will have to leave shepherding to others.

 

And this was the blessing:

You slowed me down.

I can no longer walk miles

I have to be deliberate about where I walk.

I tire easily.

I have to choose my projects carefully

For I can now do so few of them.

I will forever limp through life:

And that is my blessing!!

 

Limping, slow enough to see beauty.

Walking at a child’s pace,

Slow enough to listen.

No more running, no more sprinting

Just limping, at this slow, measured pace,

My routes considered carefully.

 

I will now always need to ask for help

From the Nameless Great One who crippled me

Because I have to!

I cannot manage without it.

 

My limp sets me free

From having to climb, scale, ascend

I have time for people.

Delivered from running,

from the possibility of ever running,

I will now limp though

an examined, reflective, contemplative life,

keeping pace with the slowest of these, the youngest of these,

with Joseph, with Benjamin,

learning, at last, to love.

 

Filed Under: In which I shyly share my essays and poetry Tagged With: brokenness, failure, Jacob

“How is it possible to be a Christian and an Alcoholic?” (From Brennan Manning’s “Ragamuffin Gospel)”

By Anita Mathias

 

Image Credit

“Often I have been asked, “Brennan, how is it possible that you became an alcoholic after you got saved?”

“It is possible because I got battered and bruised by loneliness and failure, because I got discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden, and took my eyes off Jesus. Because the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel.

There is a myth flourishing in the church today that has caused incalculable harm—once converted, fully converted. In other words, once I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, an irreversible, sinless future beckons. Discipleship will be an untarnished success story; life will be an unbroken spiral towards holiness. Tell that to poor Peter who, after three times professing his love for Jesus on the beach, and after receiving the fullness of the Spirit at Pentecost, was still jealous of Paul’s apostolic success.”

Filed Under: random Tagged With: brokenness, eyes on Jesus, failure

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Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

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  • Believing Is Seeing (Miracles): “According to Your Faith, Let It Be Done to You.”
  • Jesus Knows the Best Way to Do What You Are Best At
  • On Using Anger as a Trigger to Transform Ourselves
  • Do Not Worry About What To Eat: Jesus
  • Happy Are the Merciful for They Shall Be Shown Mercy
  • The Power of Christ’s Resurrection. For Us. Today
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  • Do Not Be Afraid–But Be as Wise as a Serpent
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https://anitamathias.com/.../jesus-knows-the-best- https://anitamathias.com/.../jesus-knows-the-best-way-to.../
LINK IN BIO!
Jesus knows the best way to do what you are best at!!
Simon Peter was a professional fisherman. And Jesus keeps teaching him, again and again, that he, Jesus, has greater mastery over fishing. And over everything else. After fruitless nights of fishing, Jesus tells Peter where to cast his nets, for an astounding catch. Jesus walks on water, calms sea storms.
It’s easy to pray in desperation when we feel hard-pressed and incompetent, and, often,
Christ rescues us in our distress, adds a 1 before our zeroes.
However, it’s equally important to turn over our strengths to him, so he can add zeroes after our 1. And the more we can surrender our strengths to his management, the more he works in those areas, and blesses them.
A walk around beautiful Magdalen College, Oxford, A walk around beautiful Magdalen College, Oxford, with a camera.
And, if you missed it, my latest podcast meditation, on Jesus’s advice on refocusing energy away from judging and critiquing others into self-transformation. https://anitamathias.com/2023/05/11/on-using-anger-as-a-trigger-to-transform-ourselves/
https://anitamathias.com/.../on-using-anger-as-a-t https://anitamathias.com/.../on-using-anger-as-a-trigger.../ link in bio
Hi friends, Here's my latest podcast meditation. I'm meditating through the Gospel of Matthew.
Do not judge, Jesus says, and you too will escape harsh judgement. So once again, he reiterates a law of human life and of the natural world—sowing and reaping. 
Being an immensely practical human, Jesus realises that we are often most “triggered” when we observe our own faults in other people. And the more we dwell on the horrid traits of people we know in real life, politicians, or the media or internet-famous, the more we risk mirroring their unattractive traits. 
So, Jesus suggests that, whenever we are intensely annoyed by other people to immediately check if we have the very same fault. And to resolve to change that irritating trait in ourselves. 
Then, instead of wasting time in fruitless judging, we will experience personal change.
And as for us who have been judgey, we still live “under the mercy” in Charles Williams’ phrase. We must place the seeds we have sown into the garden of our lives so far into God’s hands and ask him to let the thistles and thorns wither and the figs and grapes bloom. May it be so!
Spring in England= Joy=Bluebells=Singing birds. I Spring in England= Joy=Bluebells=Singing birds. I love it.
Here are some images of Shotover Park, close to C. S. Lewis's house, and which inspired bits of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings. Today, however, it's covered in bluebells, and loud with singing birds.
And, friends, I've been recording weekly podcast meditations on the Gospel of Matthew. It's been fun, and challenging to settle down and think deeply, and I hope you'll enjoy them.
I'm now in the Sermon on the Mount, in which Jesus details all the things we are not to worry about at all, one of which is food--too little, or too much, too low in calories, or too high. We are, instead, to do everything we do in his way (seek first the Kingdom and its righteousness, and all this will fall into place!).
Have a listen: https://anitamathias.com/2023/05/03/do-not-worry-about-what-to-eat-jesus/ and link in bio
“See how the flowers of the field grow. They do “See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. Or a king on his coronation day.
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” 
Of course, today, we are more likely to worry that sugary ultra-processed foods everywhere will lead to weight gain and compromise our health. But Jesus says, “Don’t worry,” and in the same sermon (on the mount), suggests other strategies…like fasting, which brings a blessing from God, for instance, while burning stored fat. And seeking God’s kingdom, as Jesus recommends, could involve getting fit on long solitary prayer walks, or while walking with friends, as well as while keeping up with a spare essentialist house, and a gloriously over-crowded garden. Wild birds eat intuitively and never gain weight; perhaps, the Spirit, on request, will guide us to the right foods for our metabolisms. 
I’ve recorded a meditation on these themes (with a transcript!). https://anitamathias.com/2023/05/03/do-not-worry-about-what-to-eat-jesus/
https://anitamathias.com/2023/05/03/do-not-worry-a https://anitamathias.com/2023/05/03/do-not-worry-about-what-to-eat-jesus/
Jesus advised his listeners--struggling fishermen, people living on the edge, without enough food for guests, not to worry about what they were going to eat. Which, of course, is still shiningly relevant today for many. 
However, today, with immense societal pressure to be slender, along with an obesogenic food environment, sugary and carby food everywhere, at every social occasion, Jesus’s counsel about not worrying about what we will eat takes on an additional relevance. Eat what is set about you, he advised his disciples, as they went out to preach the Gospel. In this age of diet culture and weight obsession, Jesus still shows us how to live lightly, offering strategies like fasting (which he promises brings us a reward from God). 
What would Jesus’s way of getting fitter and healthier be? Fasting? Intuitive spirit-guided eating? Obeying the great commandment to love God by praying as we walk? Listening to Scripture or excellent Christian literature as we walk, thanks to nifty headphones. And what about the second commandment, like the first—to love our neighbour as ourselves? Could we get fitter running an essentialist household? Keeping up with the garden? Walking with friends? Exercising to be fit enough to do what God has called us to do?
This meditation explores these concerns. #dietculture #jesus #sermononthemount #meditation #excercise #thegreatcommandment #dontworry 
https://anitamathias.com/2023/05/03/do-not-worry-about-what-to-eat-jesus/
Kefalonia—it was a magical island. Goats and she Kefalonia—it was a magical island. Goats and sheep with their musical bells; a general ambience of relaxation; perfect, pristine, beaches; deserted mountains to hike; miles of aimless wandering in landscapes of spring flowers. I loved it!
And, while I work on a new meditation, perhaps have a listen to this one… which I am meditating on because I need to learn it better… Jesus’s tips on how to be blessed by God, and become happy!! https://anitamathias.com/2023/04/25/happy-are-the-merciful-for-they-shall-be-shown-mercy/ #kefalonia #family #meditation #goats
So… just back from eight wonderful days in Kefal So… just back from eight wonderful days in Kefalonia. All four of us were free at the same time, so why not? Sun, goats, coves, bays, caves, baklava, olive bread, magic, deep relaxation.
I hadn’t realised that I needed a break, but having got there, I sighed deeply… and relaxed. A beautiful island.
And now… we’re back, rested. It’s always good to sink into the words of Jesus, and I just have. Here’s a meditation on Jesus’s famous Beatitudes, his statements on who is really happy or blessed, which turns our value judgements on their heads. I’d love it if you listened or read it. Thanks, friends.
https://anitamathias.com/2023/04/25/happy-are-the-merciful-for-they-shall-be-shown-mercy/
#kefalonia #beatitudes #meditation #family #sun #fun
https://anitamathias.com/2023/04/25/happy-are-the- https://anitamathias.com/2023/04/25/happy-are-the-merciful-for-they-shall-be-shown-mercy/
Meditating on a “beatitude.”… Happy, makarios, or blessed are the merciful, Jesus says, articulating the laws of sowing and reaping which underlie the universe, and human life.
Those who dish out mercy, and go through life gently and kindly, have a happier, less stressful experience of life, though they are not immune from the perils of our broken planet, human greed polluting our environment and our very cells, deceiving and swindling us. The merciless and unkind, however, sooner or later, find the darkness and trouble they dish out, haunting them in turn.
Sowing and reaping, is, of course, a terrifying message for us who have not always been kind and merciful!
But the Gospel!... the tender Fatherhood of God, the fact that the Lord Christ offered to bear the sentence, the punishment for the sins of the world-proportionate because of his sinlessness.  And in that divine exchange, streams of mercy now flow to us, slowly changing the deep structure of our hearts, minds, and characters.
And so, we can go through life gently and mercifully, relying on Jesus and his Holy Spirit to begin and complete the work of transformation in us, as we increasingly become gentle, radiant children of God.
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