Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires
Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art
(Roy and I were at San Gimignano, Tuscany, last month. It was a magical town. Enjoy Roy’s guest post on it)
San Gimignano, Italy’s most visited hill town is a photographer’s delight. Here are a few images to tempt you to visit if you are in Tuscany.
You enter an almost car-free zone. Our hotel was inside the walls, so we negotiated the narrow one way streets, and piazzas full of tourists.
An entrance to San Gimignano, Tuscany.
Jesus calls us to follow him. He makes no distinction between men and women.
He does not call women to follow him by “being anxious and troubled” about cooking and cleaning, and men to follow him by fishing.
He praised Mary, who sat at his feet and listened to his teaching– like a seminary student–for having chosen the better part, though she was certainly not “being busy at home”. It was Martha to whom she left “all the preparations,” “all the work,” who was playing “the woman’s role” whom He gently rebuked.
Nowhere in the Gospels are there distinct commands for women and for men.
Had Jesus intended distinct roles for men and women–women to run the home, and men to run the church and the world–He, being brilliant (as Dallas Willard points out in The Divine Conspiracy) would have said so. And his brilliant biographers would have recorded it.
* * *
I have seen perfectly good teaching ministries get derailed when they venture into gender roles. [Read more…]
Blogging almost daily for three and a half years has led to self-awareness. I have grown bored of boasting of my weaknesses.
There is a time for self-analysis, and a time for acting on that analysis, and that time came!
And so I am in the process of developing shiny new habits. These are not yet jelled, but the trajectory is looking good.
* * *
The best way I know to form new habits is the most boring, but the most certain.
Start where you are. [Read more…]
So we had guests for lunch. It normally takes me just a few minutes to get myself presentable, but I was slowed down by my bedroom which was unusually messy: unmade bed, clothes books, manuscripts and make up strewn around. Looking at it made me stressed, and I realised that, when I entered it after lunch, to read in bed or nap, I’d immediately get stressed.
So though I hadn’t yet been down, having left the cleaning, cooking and tidying to Roy and girls, I decided to take ten minutes to tidy my room and invest in “mental wealth”. And that was all it took to get it tidy. A ten minute bridge between stress and peace.
John Bailey, in his biography of Iris Murdoch, says that that Iris picked up a book and started reading that moment she entered the house. That is one of the benefits of a decluttered house and life. Your mind is clear. You enter a room and begin reading.
* * *
Achieving or increasing monetary wealth does not particularly excite me. I am far more interested in mental wealth. Shalom, peace.
And so I am working on a massive decluttering project, trying to get rid of everything neither beautiful nor useful, so that each room exudes blessedness and peace ( just as my sleeping collie Jake does) rather than chatter and nag me, like a living To-Do list. For that’s what visual clutter does!
* * *
My other mental wealth practices: Gardening, which I enjoy, and which induces a euphoric change of state in me. It’s mainly a time for praise or prayer (interspersed sometimes with nagging Roy about undone tasks). I have let my garden (one and a half acre) go, so getting it pretty again is a challenge, but one I enjoy!
* * *
I never thought I would be typing this, but long walks (3-4 miles) also induce a euphoric “change of state.” I pulse with endorphins, I think clearly, I feel great. When I return to my laptop, I can write fast and for long hours, and happily. It’s a manifestation of the goodness of God isn’t it, that something so simple should bring so much joy?
* * *
Brene Brown in Daring Greatly says that our numbing activities (over-eating, over-work, screens, shopping) stem from our craving connection with our family and friends, an ache we misdiagnose. So when I feel restless, I spend more time with my family, or arrange to meet-up with a friend, and, yeah, that certainly builds up mental wealth.
* * *
Richard Foster suggests discovering prayer as a recreational activity. And perhaps it is the finest.
Prayer as relaxation. Just letting your thoughts unscroll as they will, and bringing them to God one by one. Presenting your random dreams, hopes and wishes to God, and chatting to him about them.
Or doing nothing at all, just waiting, and seeing what He might say. At times, I get restless and bored. At other times, I think it is the most interesting thing there is! Playing in the fields of the Lord!
18 years ago, Lori, a friend from my Ph.D programme in Creative Writing (we dropped out in the same month) published a children’s book which became and remains a best-seller.
She said God gave it to her in a single morning, as she was at a cabin on Lake Michigan.
She made lots of money from it, and it’s still selling well, 18 years later, with spin-offs too: a DVD, companion books, board books, computer games etc.
* * *
At that time, I was writing with sweat and self-effort and self-doubt, and did not know what it meant for God to give you books. I had a friend, also a professional writer, who’d say, “I am not a naturally talented writer like Anita. I just have to rely on the Lord,” and I would look at her, baffled.
Rely on the Lord for writing? It sounded to me like relying on the Lord to fly a Boeing 757. I thought writing was a matter of reading, studying the craft, learning from teachers and editors, and practising. Always practising.
I have always been fascinated by many writers’ experience of God giving them books or poems, and have hoped (and prayed, but, sadly, hoped more) that God would “give” me books. [Read more…]
A member of my small group has been invited to Buckingham Palace since her husband is going to be knighted.
One needs to be invited to the Queen’s famous garden parties, or you will be politely, but swiftly, ejected.
You can’t invite yourself to Buckingham Palace or the White House: you must be invited!
* * *
I sometimes wonder if I am going about the spiritual life all wrong.
I am reading Mark Batterson’s The Circle Maker. Oh wow! It’s got me re-excited about praying about every area of my life, and a bit chastened as I realised how many things in my life were vague hopes, or pipe-dreams, or “one day” desires rather than prayers I wrote down, and prayed through consistently.
And so, over the last few weeks, I have been writing down my dreams, hopes, goals and wishes and am praying circles around them.
Already, I am seeing movement. Things I have been praying for are happening. Things are changing. I keep saying to Roy, “Wow! That’s what I’ve have been praying for.”
* * *
And then I wondered, “Oh Jesus, am I spending more time praying though my dream-list, than resting in your presence, seeking your face?”
Oh Jesus, I miss you. Am I sort of drifting away from the closeness we once shared, the harum-scarum time in your presence?
Oh Jesus, am I faltering in my love for you?
Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus!
* * *
And then I remember Buckingham Palace. Driving up there in a shiny new car, with my best dress and fascinator is not going to get me into the garden party. I have to be invited!
And I do not get intimacy with Jesus by all my spiritual disciplines, my rising early, my Bible blogging, my prayer, my lectio divina.
I get it because of his mercy. He and his Father deign to come to me, and make their home with me (John 14:23). He offers me an intertwined life, him living in me, and me living in him.
I don’t have to hustle for this. It is a free gift.
The spiritual life is not a ladder I need to climb. It is the descent of the dove!
So in these tired days, when my spirits can sink, and so I need to take frequent breaks to ask his Spirit to come and fill my flagging spirit, I need to remember that it’s not my efforts at spirituality that cajole the King of Kings to let me live with him. It is his mercy.
Come, beautiful Lord Jesus. Come, Holy Spirit. Fill my heart and spirit to overflowing.
In Genesis 34, Jacob’s only daughter Dinah is raped. In revenge, her brothers Simeon and Levi slaughter every male in Shechem, and loot it “seizing their flocks and herds and donkeys, and carrying off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses.”
And what happens to them? What consequences do they suffer? Apparently none at all.
Jacob scolds them, “You have brought trouble on me by making me a stench to the Canaanites,” and moves from Shechem to Bethel.
When the powerful misbehave, they often get away with it, in the short run.
God’s justice sometimes operates at the pace of trilogies or epics, not in sentences or chapters.
* * *
So, in the short run: no consequences for Simeon or Levi. Jacob is probably a little afraid of his powerful older sons who, from this chapter onwards, increasingly take control of the family.
However, when Jacob blesses his sons on his deathbed, he essentially curses his first-born Reuben, (who raped his father’s concubine) and Simeon and Levi, his second and third-born (while passing on the Abrahamic blessing and rights of the first born to Judah, whom he lavishly blesses.)
“Simeon and Levi are brothers—
their swords are weapons of violence.
6 Let me not enter their council,
let me not join their assembly,
for they have killed men in their anger
and hamstrung oxen as they pleased.
7 Cursed be their anger, so fierce,
and their fury, so cruel!
I will scatter them in Jacob
and disperse them in Israel. (Gen 49)
And so, Simeon’s descendants were absorbed into the territory of Judah (Jos 19:1, 9) and Levi’s descendants were dispersed throughout the land, living in 48 towns (Nu 35:2). They did not get their own land, as the other ten tribes do.
* * *
That’s how our lives go, isn’t it? Simeon and Levi were deceitful, angry, violent, and vengeful. So, to some extent, have we all been.
And their children suffered: they were scattered, losing the tribal satisfactions of living among those who have the same background, culture, history, traditions and quirks. Both forfeited the blessings of the first-born, which would have come to them after Reuben forfeited his.
But they lived long in the land, had children, grew old, unlike those they slaughtered. And these violent men still got to be Patriarchs, fathers of two of the twelve tribes of Israel. And the priests who ministered at the temple were from the tribe of Levi!!
* * *
It is an orderly, organised universe of sowing and reaping. The evil we do has consequences, if only through the corruption of our characters which are our destiny. Through the scarring and maiming of our souls. Sooner or later, we reap what we sow.
But we do not reap exactly what we have sown. For most of us, as for Simeon and Levi, mercy triumphs.
“If you, Lord, should count our guilt, Lord, who would survive?” the Psalmist David writes plaintively.
If God were to punish us for every untrue or mean word, every act of anger or malice or jealousy, who should stand?
But mercy triumphs, and so weeds do not choke all food plants. Neglected orchards still bear fruit, and human life continues despite our environmental outrages.
And in our lives, mercy triumphs over justice, and so, having asked God’s forgiveness, we can continue to walk under the sun of his goodness.
Paradoxes, paradoxes. We must try to avoid all sin, for what we sow we reap. But never in full measure, never as much as we deserve, for mercy runs like a gold thread through our universe and through our lives, and it always triumphs over the strictest justice!
“A man sees an odd-shaped piece of animal skin on the ground in front of him. He lashes out at it with his foot, and sends it skimming across the open, grassy field on which he’s standing. As a direct consequence of this, several million people around the world experience intense feelings of joy or despair.”
The final of the World Cup, as described by the study guide to the Beatitudes we are studying in church
I read it, and prayed, “Lord, never let me squander my emotions and passion on what does not matter.”
* * *
Sports
As a graduate student in America, I watched the entire dorm transfixed by the Superbowl, Big Ten games, basketball or baseball. And here, in the UK, there’s Wimbledon, and the World Cup.
But, of course, unless you own one of the teams, or love a player, none of these things really matter. It’s just not worth getting intense about.
One may root for Murray, especially if you’re British because there’s an appealing underdog feel to him. However, he’s won far more money and plaudits than 99.99 % of humanity ever will, and does not need us to invest our emotions in his success.
Allowing yourself to closely follow or really care about sporting events, or about who wins an Oscar, or a Booker, or a television content is allowing yourself to care about what does not matter.
* * *
TV
One of my daughters barely watches TV. One watches a few shows, despite my opposition: The Voice, The Apprentice and The Great British Bake-off among them.
“Child,” I say, “Don’t watch other people do stuff. Invest in your own life. Become amazing yourself.”
She: “But I don’t want to be amazing.”
Me: “Okay then, be amazingly happy. Excellence makes you happy. Doing interesting stuff makes you happy. Proceeding in the direction of your dreams makes you happy, and achieving your dreams makes you happy.”
“Invest your emotional energy in your own life; invest your time in things that matter.”
* * *
Novels
I am sorting out my books, giving away seven a week. When I come to novels, I ask myself it is worth investing hours of my life to read 300 pages of someone else’s imaginings. If it’s not well-written, no. If the plot and setting interest me, and the style is a delight, it’s a keeper.
But though I love the dream of fiction, I am increasingly choosing to read things that matter, that help me know God more, or live my life better, or that satisfy my intellectual curiosity.
Your time on earth is limited, so don’t waste it, Steve Jobs says in this brilliant video. Or to quote his fellow Reed College drop-out, Donald Miller “I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time.”
* * *
Living Intentionally
As I grow older I am trying to live intentionally, not squandering time, energy or emotion on what does not matter.
Here are some of my practices:
TV
1 I do not watch TV (except for my one addiction, blush, Downton Abbey🙂 No news. I scan the headlines online and read a few articles daily.
Like the Harvard-trained holistic physician Andrew Weil, I am convinced this is better for my mental and emotional health. He writes, “images and reports of violence, death and disaster can promote undesirable changes in mood and aggravate anxiety, sadness and depression, which in turn can have deleterious effects on physical health.”
Some of my friends get distressed and dragged down by the traumatic things they see on TV, while doing nothing about them, and of course, there’s not loads they can do. I am sure this daily exposure to traumatic, distressing or negative news, and the consequent learned helplessness seriously affects one’s shalom (and subjects of conversation).
Though I don’t have TV, I do watch documentaries on DVD, and love them. I love movies too, and probably watch at least 25 a year, carefully chosen!! Would like to watch 100 though!
Games
2 I don’t play computer games, and rarely play board games. The only computer game I have played is chess, and I found it addictive. I play board games with my family to relax, though I think conversation is better, but hey, they love board games. With people I rarely see, I refuse to play board games, preferring to relax with conversation. (Yeah, an old curmudgeon!)
Social Media
3 I have been horrified by what a black hole Facebook and Twitter can be. I am dealing with them by locking myself out of them with AntiSocial and RescueTime when I write or pray or read.
I am also decluttering my Facebook newsfeed. I only defriend if I find people’s comments embarrassing or objectionable or consistently negative, or if they overwhelm me. However, I am hiding those people whose posts annoy me because they are whiny or show-offy or present a false picture of their lives. Or if their posts are mainly negative or trivial.
Happiness is precious and time is short, and it’s insane allowing myself to get annoyed by what people post on Facebook if I can avoid seeing those posts!
I tell my daughter that she should hide posts from people she barely knows, or does not care about, or does not find interesting, so as to safeguard her time and ‘brain space”—and perhaps I will take my own advice, setting my timer, and editing my newsfeed five minutes at a time, every now and again. And, hopefully, I will end up with a Facebook which only consists of posts from people I really care about, or find interesting, as well as life-enhancing blogs.
My Twitter feed sadly has got unbelievably cluttered. It will take hours and hours to declutter, and I don’t know when I am going to do it. Eventually perhaps, I will create a single, or second, stream of life-enhancing tweeters!
I am growing acutely aware that my time and energy is limited, and time spent on Facebook or fooling around on Twitter is time stolen from reading and writing. So I am getting more serious about not wasting my time and emotional energy on what does not matter. Does not matter to me, or to the world, or to the Kingdom of God!
What are your black-holes of time? What are your practices for using time meaningfully?
