Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

In Which I Boast of my Weaknesses

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489px Arcimboldo Summer 1573

Summer (Archimboldo, 1573, from the Louvre, via wikipedia)

Paul describes “a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me.” Three times he pleaded with the Lord to take it away from him, but Christ simply says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Perhaps Christ said: If you were never weak, my Paul, you who speak in the tongues of men or of angels; you who have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and have a faith that can move mountains; who possess nothing and give over your body to hardship–where would be my entry point? How would you ever feel the need of me? What would remind you to call out for me?

* * *

I have steadily gained weight since I left school which means I am now 115 pounds heavier than I was then! I have been tempted to consider my tendency to gain weight as a thorn in my (literal) flesh, a weakness. You know, bad metabolism, low thyroid, la-di-da.

Well, all somewhat true, and I could accept it as a thorn in the flesh to live with, as people accept ME or CFS—except that, in my case, there is some sin involved, and sin is never, never to be accepted, but to be striven against, and conquered (I believe!).

I recently admitted the part sin had played in my weight gain and repented deeply. For me, eating chocolate or sweet treats is sin because my body simply does not need it. So I am abusing a body which is already slowed down with extra weight. Similarly, eating for pleasure when not hungry, or to medicate low spirits, stress or boredom–especially eating things not super-nutritious for my body–is abusing the body and “temple” God gave me.

Or to put it another way, it’s the sin of seeking comfort in anything except other than the Comforter. Idolatry: “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water. (Jer: 2:13).

(And since that deep repentance in mid-October, I have not bought chocolate or sugary treats, save for a magnificent Pere Noel Stollen in Luxembourg, shaped like a huge Santa Claus that ogled me!!)

Believe it or not, I only acknowledged that comfort eating or emotional eating was a weakness of mine earlier this year. I am not yet wholly free of it–it was a habit of decades after all–but do substitute raisins or popcorn for chocolate or crisps (potato chips for Indian and American readers!)

And perhaps the next step will be not to eat at all if I am not hungry, but do something else. Run, perhaps, which also gives a high and a healthy one.

* * *

This is how I am now training myself to think about food. Is what I am planning to eat a blessing or a curse to my body?

What’s a curse to my body?—sugar, chocolate, white flour, white rice, high-fat foods, and anything eaten when I am not hungry. What is a blessing to my body?—Fruit, vegetables, beans, legumes, and seeds.

I’ve been vegan for 3 weeks, following Dr. Furhman’s brilliant diet which is fruit, vegetables, beans, soups, and salads as a main meal. However, salads without feta, and a bit of fish or meat or egg were a bit too hard for me, so I have gone to his 90% vegan plan. Going low-carb vegan was cutting out too many food groups –meat, fish, diary, eggs, carbs and sugar, though I did lose 8 pounds on it.

* * *

Peter in Acts 10 sees a great sheet lowered from heaven with clean and unclean animals. He refuses to eat.

“Then a voice told him, “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.”

14 “Surely not, Lord!” Peter replied. “I have never eaten anything impure or unclean.”

15 The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.”

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving. 1 Tim 4:4.

No food God made is “bad.” On the other hand, many foods man has made—sugar and high-fructose corn syrup which is smuggled into pretty much every processed or fast food, are deeply addictive, and according to the New York Times, toxic, and so our family is cutting out sugar and as many processed foods as possible, even making our own hummus and dressings. Yeah, hard-core!!

* * *

Alcoholics Anonymous is a brilliant organization, and much of their wisdom can be applied to self-medication with food. Realize that you cannot break this habit on your own, and that you need help.

They have an acronym HALT for times when alcoholics might be most tempted to have a drink—when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. These are also times when those who seek comfort in food might be tempted to a massive food blowout.

My struggle for health is now becoming so entwined with my spiritual life, that are almost one and the same. It’s like a conversion experience—being transformed by the renewal of the mind. Cultivating new responses. Practicing a new way of living. Tuning in to how I am really feeling instead of numbing my emotions with a bar of chocolate, or a high carb emotion-numbing feast.

You know how impressed we are with David praying seven times a day. Well, I have an inbuilt call to prayer now that I have given up sugar and chocolate and white carbs and am trying to stop all “comfort eating”. Cravings become a reminder to pray.

Feel the need to eat when sad or bored or stress or angry—but not hungry? Well, I try to slow down and take the time to “eat Jesus”. Eat his flesh, drink his blood. Ask his Holy Spirit the Comforter to fill me.

And so my weakness provides a reminder and pathway for me to seek God and experience his power, and so, when I am weak, I will be strong.

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  2. Hi Anita – as an recovering anorexic I come at this one from a slightly different angle – but I think many of the issues are very similar: e.g; using food to handle emotion but then looking to Jesus instead: to have a renewed mind and change old habits and responses. Thanks for your honesty and wisdom. Emma Scriv

    • hi emma, i just happened to read your comment, and wanted to share that i’m a recovered anorexic too, and have just released a book called Chasing Silhouettes: How to help a loved one battling an eating disorder (www.chasingsilhouettes.com). I agree, many of the issues are very similar. bless you, and let me know if you ever need to talk. e.

    • Hi Emma, “using food to handle emotion but then looking to Jesus instead: to have a renewed mind and change old habits and responses. ” It’s really, really hard to change old habits and responses. Sort of like– look at Jesus and keep walking on water; take your eyes off him, and sink. For me, breaking the habit of eating in response to stress, sadness or feeling overwhelmed is like a daily conversion!!

  3. one of the things I love about the Orthodox Jewish experience is that injection of prayer into everyday activities so that God and His presence is never forgotten. He is present when we dress for the day, when we enter and exit our house, when we make dinner,etc. And having prayers at all those times, I feel the Orthodox Jews have a great idea in keeping God at the forefront at all times. For you, starting the habit of praying when craving is equally telling…that God is with you at all times and in all places. Excellent hearing your progress. Stateside, we have 12 step eating programs modeled after the AA system. They’re called overeaters anonymous. Our church houses several meetings – I hear they’re very successful when the reason for the weight gain is more than just “eh, I eat awful and I don’t have time to exercise” …when the overeating is emotional and craving-based, that’s when they shine.

    • Hi LA, We have an Overeaters in Oxford, but I haven’t gone. Perhaps it would be good for me to swallow my pride and go–because comfort eating in times of stress is such an engrained response in me. Let’s see how the weight loss continues to go!

  4. i really liked the HALT portion, because no matter what it is that we substitute instead of dealing with the underlying issues, that second look, the thinking it through is a wonderful, wonderful practice. All the best to you on this journey!!

  5. This is an interesting perspective. I too have been pondering the line between the “thorn” and my unwillingness to do something to change a situation. I think I too justified for way too long certain things about my life because I chalked them up to being my ‘thorn’

  7. Blessings to you in this endeavor, Anita. It is a lofty goal. Keep us informed on your progress and I will continue to pray for your perseverance. Thanks for being vulnerable about this problem. It’s one that affects many.

  9. Great and inspirational post! I work on a 20/80 rule – 80 per cent good, healthy stuff and exercise and 20 per cent wherever my cravings take me. So last night instead of doing a speed running session I crashed out when I got home from work and ended up eating lamb chops with chips as a response to the ‘tired and hugry’ bit of HALT. However, after nine hours sleep, today I got up with a determination to eat healthy fresh fruit and veg and to do a swim session tonight. Because I know I let myself be lazy last night, I’m refreshed and motivated for the rest of the week. Like Mary below, I’m also about to start using weights again!

  10. Thanks for writing this, Anita. My husband and I have just begun a weight loss journey together and enlisted a “trainer”. I have much farther to go than he has, and was pleasantly surprised to have him sign on with me for six weeks. It will mean giving up his cookies and my chocolate (like you) but your post was a great encouragement. I’d given up many of the other things and was thinking I just needed to exercise more…however after a session with the weight trainer, I hope he’s right, he says that we need to add muscle by working out with weights. Sooo….we’ll be trying this. I’ll be calling on your post for extra incentive. Blessings! (I’ll let you know how it goes!)

    • Yes, weights. Definitely the way forward. I am currently increasing the steps I walk per day (as measured by my pedometer) by 100 a day, and am on 7400. The ideal for fitness is 10,000. Once I reach 10,000 (in 26 days, hopefully), I will be adding weights.
      Blessings, Mary, and welcome to my new blog!