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In which God Creates Beauty from My Mistakes

By Anita Mathias

a-winter-garden

In this season of hibernation, I think… and my remembrance of things past is not unaccompanied by regret.

Mists of sadness rise. I will not enter them for they might drag me into a quagmire.

No, I will not re-read past chapters. Today’s chapter is being written—Jesus dictating, me writing. Or sometimes, me writing fast, impulsively, selfishly, and Jesus overwriting it with gold-dust, producing beauty from ashes.

* * *

But what can be done with regrets for time past?

I reach for another alliterative word…redemption.

I take my regrets, shattered shards of what could have been beautiful, were I wiser, smarter, holier,

And I pour the iridescent fragments of these regrets into the great outstretched hands of God.

* * *

I think of David. He sees a beautiful married woman bathe on a rooftop, sleeps with her, has her husband killed when she falls pregnant, and then marries her.

The prophet Nathan confronts him with a story which helps him see the shamefulness of it all.

David repents, but sin has consequences, that’s the deep magic from the dawn of time. The unnamed baby dies.

But there is also redemption…the deeper magic from before the dawn of time

Bathsheba conceives again…and that child is Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, the reputed author of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes.

From that union stained by lust and murder came forth exquisite Psalms and wise Proverbs.

* * *

We undervalue what is precious; we overvalue what is trivial; we waste our time; we squander our energies; we damage treasured relationships; oh yes, and for all these things, we pay the price, yes we do– the inexorably fair law of sowing and reaping.

Fair and merciless.

But a deep hidden mercy runs through this world, like subterranean gold, like purple amethyst, yellow citrine, and smoky quartz hidden in the dead, fossilised trees in Arizona’s petrified forest, trees which fell two hundred million years ago.

Gradually, each cells of bark and wood is replaced with minerals of every colour, as God shapes my shabby paragraphs into the frame, the outline of a glory story.

* * *

God takes the fragments of my faltering hopes, my missed chances, my foolishness,

And says, “Child, from this, even from this, from this glimmering pile of your mistakes, see what I am fashioning.”

And like a medieval craftsman making stained glass, he fashions glory, stained glass, from glinting heaps of errors.

And I see what he is creating from sins and folly, the stuff I never intended.

It is the life I now have, bursting with potential for joy and beauty and worship. It is good. It is very good.

And through tear-stained eyes, I bow my head in worship.

 

 

Filed Under: In which I am Amazed by Grace, In which I just keep Trusting the Lord, In which I'm amazed by the goodness of God, Theodicy Tagged With: David, fossilized trees, redemption, Stained glass

Your Trajectory is What Matters, Not Where you Currently Are

By Anita Mathias

I love King David. Who doesn’t?

I spoke about Saul and David to my small group, five years ago, and loved preparing the talk from Samuel and Kings.  One of the things which struck me was that your trajectory is far more important than where you currently are.

* * *

Saul, to all appearances, was at the top of the heap. He had power, prestige, wealth, good looks, a large family, kingship and a palace.

And yet… and yet. Instead of enjoying what he had, he was, almost incredibly, tormented by jealousy and insecurity, by the fear of losing it, the fear that someone would come up from behind and take what he had.

He could see clearly that God’s favour and blessing was increasingly on David, and not on himself. He could presciently see what God was doing and did not like it one bit. Being aligned with God’s purposes was all very well when it exalted him, but he could not face the fact that his time in the sun was coming to its natural conclusion.

And so he tries to block what God is doing. Saul hounds David, and, in the short run, is triumphant. David is on the run. He hides in caves, afraid, cold and hungry.

While Saul is at the very top of the heap, David, declared the enemy of the King of Israel–and without resources, patrons, wealth, power or position–is at the very bottom of the heap.

As we read Kings, we realise that, in the long run, where Saul and David currently stood meant nothing. What mattered was their trajectory–where they were going.

David: consistently growing in inner strength, as he learns to strengthen himself in the Lord, and eventually in obvious strength.

Saul: consistently losing, first, inner strength, and eventually obvious strength.

* * *

Two phrases often repeated in the Book of Samuel and the Book of Kings give us an insight into why David’s life was successful in the eyes of God and man, and why he eventually was blessed in his military, political, administrative, literary and spiritual endeavours: “God was with David.” ” David walked with the Lord.”

And because of that, we also read this frequently repeated phrase, ”the House of David grew stronger and stronger, and the House of Saul grew weaker and weaker.”

The house of the down and out, the man who had no wealth or  political support, nothing but the Lord, grew stronger and stronger, while the house of the King, with wealth, power,  courtiers, an army, sycophants and tax revenue grows weaker and weaker.

Because David walked with God. Because God was with David.

* * *

I was electrified by the study. I was depressed when I prepared the study, creatively blocked, not writing at all, miserable in the large charismatic, rather toxic, Oxford church I then attended, and overworking at my own business which was suddenly and overwhelmingly taking off.

I wasn’t where I wanted to be in external, visible terms. Inwardly though, I was seeking God, seeking to hear his voice, to rest in his presence and love, to grow fat on his word, and to align my life with him. And I realised forcibly that what matters is your trajectory, where you are going, not where you currently are.    

As long as I was walking with God in humility and repentance, seeking his blessing, trying to do his will, continually revising my life when I realised I was not aligned with him, then, if it pleased him, “my house” like David’s, would “grow stronger and stronger.”

So be it, Lord. Amen.

* * *

When we play the deadly, destructive, dispiriting game of comparisons, we often compare our beginning or mid games, let’s say in blogging or writing, with other people’s end games and feel dissatisfied.

But what we really need to look at is our trajectory. If it’s healthy, we will eventually, inevitably, be okay. And if it is not satisfactory, we need to seek God. Repent where we need to repent, change where we need to change. And walk with God upwards into the light.

Whether we are seeking to lose weight, or to establish a blog, or a business, don’t get discouraged about where you are. Look at your trajectory. It’s that’s good, you’ll be okay. If your trajectory is disheartening, but you are walking with God, you will be okay too.

* * *

Wherever you are today in your life and career, walk with God. Ask him to reveal his ideas, plans and strategy to you, and align your writing, your blogging, your finances and your life with his ideas. And then, as you walk with God, you too will grow stronger and stronger, because you will be walking with God, and God with you.

Filed Under: Blog Through The Bible Project, In which I play in the fields of Scripture Tagged With: David, Saul, Trajectories

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Anita Mathias: About Me

Anita Mathias

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My Books

Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

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The Story of Dirk Willems

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Premier Digital Awards 2015 - Finalist - Blogger of the year
Runner Up Christian Media Awards 2014 - Tweeter of the year

Recent Posts

  •  On Not Wasting a Desert Experience
  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
  • Trust: A Message of Christmas
  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
  • “An Autobiography in Five Chapters” and Avoiding Habitual Holes  
  • Shining Faith in Action: Dirk Willems on the Ice
  • The Story of Dirk Willems: The Man who Died to Save His Enemy

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What I’m Reading

Childhood, Youth, Dependency: The Copenhagen Trilogy
Tove Ditlevsen

  The Copenhagen Trilogy  - Amazon.com
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Amazing Faith: The Authorized Biography of Bill Bright
Michael Richardson

Amazing Faith -- Bill Bright -- Amazon.com
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On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Stephen King

On Writing --  Amazon.com
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Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life
Kathleen Norris

KATHLEEN NORRIS --  Amazon.com
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Andrew Marr


A History of the World
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Opened Ground: Poems, 1966-96
Seamus Heaney


Opened Ground: Poems, 1966-96 
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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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