Sometimes, my tongue runs away with me, and I use my words to express anger and frustration rather than bestow grace and life, and those words steal life and strength rather than lavish them,
And I see the red flag of Jesus at the level crossing of my heart, and am stopped dead in my tracks.
But sometimes, I don’t stop, don’t listen to Jesus, and am out of control, a train rushing on…
I might eat whatever is quick and easy or delicious, rather than whatever is a blessing to my body.
Or my husband and I go on the attack
And there we go, rushing on, rushing on, knowing that no good can come from expressing runaway emotions, knowing that what one sows, one reaps…
On and on, we rush, speaking carelessly, smashing past the level crossing, speeding towards the onrushing train of consequences, heading for a crash.
And that’s when I understand grace.
For what I sow I should reap, right?
But that was before Jesus came.
* * *
My train hurtles on,
I drive recklessly, blinded by anger, negativity and despair
And Jesus sees that I am going to crash.
He steps in.
And still my train hurtles headlong; I am out of control. If I reap the consequences of everything I have sown, terrible things will happen.
But Jesus absorbs the crash in himself.
And I crash into grace; I crash into Jesus.
I am redeemed.
My marriage is redeemed
My mothering is redeemed.
Because of the grace Jesus died to give me.
Because of grace.
* * *
He keeps me on track, keeps my marriage on track,
Keeps me on the rails
Because he absorbed the impact at Calvary,
Of all this foolish, headlong sin.
Oh, I trust grace,
I trust mercy.
* * *
If the world were governed by dreary cause and effect,
And a woman could reap only what she sows,
Lord, who could stand?
But you stand between us and inexorable consequences
For this too we revere you.
For it’s not a mere mechanical world of crime and punishment.
It is a world of miracles.
It is the world of Jesus where he lives.
It is a world where Jesus stands in front of us,
Absorbs the impact of our bullet trains
Speeding at a million miles an hour towards self-destruction
He is smashed,
Rises,
And in that resurrection is hope.
For the risen Jesus now lives in me, restraining me
Helping me die to my wild self, making ever more room for the risen Jesus in me.
Helping me bear “in my body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in my body,” (2 Cor. 4:10).
* * *
Lord, sharpen my eyesight
Help me to see your red flags in time,
To repent in time
And when I do not,
When I crash,
Let me crash into grace!
The seventy times seventh chance,
The four hundred and ninetieth chance,
The infinite chances you lavish on me in the land of the living,
Grace for the asking,
The Holy Spirit for the asking,
Because you love me.
Have you experienced the inexplicable grace and goodness of God when you least expected it?
Read my new memoir: Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India (US) or UK.
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My book of essays: Wandering Between Two Worlds (US) or UK
Mollie Lyon says
Another beautifully honest post. I so love reading them.
Anita Mathias says
Aw, thanks so much for your encouragement, Mollie!
Karrie Keehart says
I don’t usually comment twice in one week. I don’t like to wear out my welcome 😉 It kinda feels like you’re following me around this week, haha. I’m very happy to have found your blog. Twitter really should go in the matchmaking business (they suggested I would like your style). Very nice testimony of needed grace in an everyday situation. Sometimes, the moments I need grace seem to come out of nowhere, as if my accuser wants to remind me just how guilty I am. I wonder if he realizes he only drives me further into the arms of my Savior? Why would one leave the refuge of the Blood?! Oh how I wish everyone knew His Love for each of us!
Anita Mathias says
Karrie, I am very happy that Twitter connected us–and commentators are always welcome on my blog. Thank you for commenting!
Kate says
If we really understood grace – really got grace….everything would change.
The Lord has been lavishly showing me the way He pours it out on me. And it’s just undoing me in all my tightly wound places.
Thanks for sharing.
Have a lovely weekend.
Blessings,
Kate 🙂
Anita Mathias says
“If we really understood grace – really got grace….everything would change.”
Yes! I am just beginning to get it–but it will probably be a life-time endeavour, so foreign to our world of earning and deserving!