Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

In Which I Invest in Mental Wealth

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The sky and sea soon turn red, St. Paul's Bay, Malta

So we had guests for lunch. It normally takes me just a few minutes to get myself presentable, but I was slowed down by my bedroom which was unusually messy: unmade bed, clothes books, manuscripts and make up strewn around. Looking at it made me stressed, and I realised that, when I entered it after lunch, to read in bed or nap, I’d immediately get stressed.

So though I hadn’t yet been down, having left the cleaning, cooking and tidying to Roy and girls, I decided to take ten minutes to tidy my room and invest in  “mental wealth”. And that was all it took to get it tidy. A ten minute bridge between stress and peace.

John Bailey, in his biography of Iris Murdoch, says that that Iris picked up a book and started reading that moment she entered the house. That is one of the benefits of a decluttered house and life. Your mind is clear. You enter a room and begin reading.

* * *

Achieving or increasing monetary wealth does not particularly excite me. I am far more interested in mental wealth. Shalom, peace.

And so I am working on a massive decluttering project, trying  to get rid of everything neither beautiful nor useful, so that each room exudes blessedness and peace ( just as my sleeping collie Jake does) rather than chatter and nag me, like a living To-Do list. For that’s what visual clutter does!

* * *

My other mental wealth practices: Gardening, which I enjoy, and which induces a euphoric change of state in me. It’s mainly a time for praise or prayer (interspersed sometimes with nagging Roy about undone tasks). I have let my garden (one and a half acre) go, so getting it pretty again is a challenge, but one I enjoy!

* * *

I never thought I would be typing this, but long walks (3-4 miles) also induce a euphoric “change of state.”  I pulse with endorphins, I think clearly, I feel great. When I return to my laptop, I can write fast and for long hours, and happily. It’s a manifestation of the goodness of God isn’t it, that something so simple should bring so much joy?

* * *

Brene Brown in Daring Greatly says that our numbing activities (over-eating, over-work, screens, shopping) stem from our craving connection with our family and friends, an ache we misdiagnose. So when I feel restless, I spend more time with my family, or arrange to meet-up with a friend, and, yeah, that certainly builds up mental wealth.

* * *

Richard Foster suggests discovering prayer as a recreational activity. And perhaps it is the finest.

Prayer as relaxation. Just letting your thoughts unscroll as they will, and bringing them to God one by one. Presenting your random dreams, hopes and wishes to God, and chatting to him about them.

Or doing nothing at all, just waiting, and seeing what He might say. At times, I get restless and bored. At other times, I think it is the most interesting thing there is! Playing in the fields of the Lord!

How Circling Prayer can Convert a Vicious Circle to a Virtuous Circle

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Have you ever experienced a vicious circle?

You know: Feel sad. Eat chocolate or sugary treats. Feel hyper or aggressive. It wears off. Feel sad. And grumpy and defeated about the weight gain. Eat chocolate to help you feel better. And then…

Or: Get stressed and tired. Let things lie where they fall. House gets messy. You get too stressed and low-spirited to pick it up. Things get lost and replaced. You feel bad about the mess and the waste of money, and that it would take too much energy to invite your friends over. Tidying would barely make a dent in the mess, so you don’t, and mess grows. And …

Or: Wake late, keep looking at the time. The day is slipping away without much getting done, feel depressed and defeated. Drink coffee, get a second wind, stay up late, aimlessly surfing Facebook, blogs, twitter, newspapers. So can’t wake early the next day. And so…sense defeat through the day.

Very, very sadly, I have slipped into each of these circles for years, even decades of my life!! I do confess it. Thankfully, though, I am not in any of these vicious circles at the moment!

Drawing Prayer Circles: Ways to change a vicious circle to a virtuous one

 I am reading Mark Batterson’s The Circle-Maker. Mark talks about drawing figurative circles around your Jericho, the one dream you have longed for all your life, the dream your life has always tended towards, and pray bold, fervent, consistent prayers over it. Powerful prayers need to be specific, he says, just as powerful writing does.

I recently read a fascinating book called The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg which mentions keystone habits, which set up a cascade of positive changes in one’s life. One of these is exercise, which is scientifically proven to make you feel better through the release of endorphins, so that you sleep better, work better, feel happier, and have better relationships. Other keystone habits, unsurprisingly, are waking early, and domestic order.

* * *

So one way to change a vicious circle to a virtuous one is to circle it in prayer–pray circles around it. The habit you want to change will be uppermost in your mind, and grace will be given you to make the tiny necessary changes, which will start a virtuous circle in place of the vicious one.

I have started circling many areas of my life in prayer— my husband, children, memoir, blog, writing plans, weight, home, garden, career, finances, love of travel etc.

And in each of these I am praying for a virtuous circle—where each action creates momentum and leverage, making the next virtuous action easier.

My Personal Jericho

Can you put a due date on the walls of Jericho crumbling? In Joshua 6, it was on the seventh day.

I’ve set a date for my Jericho to collapse—September 29th, 2016. It would be the day I first arrived in England, full of dreams and hopes and ambition, which have not been fulfilled, but life is long, and sometimes, God prioritises changes in you before he lets your dreams come true.

So these are the walls of Jericho which I would like to collapse by September 29th, 2016.

1)   I would like to finish my memoir, which is now in a polished second draft (while not neglecting my blog).

2)    I would like to get healthy. I am currently 84 pounds overweight, and I would like to get to a healthy weight

3)   I would like to get the house decluttered, with everything in its place, and everything not beautiful or useful donated or chucked. (We’ve been tidying and decluttering weekly since summer 2008, so have made huge progress on this).

4)   I would like to wake at 5 a.m.

Am I biting off more than I can chew? Who knows, but with God’s help, I believe the walls of this Jericho will crumble.

* * *

Synergy

And I hope these goals are synergistic, and will set up a virtuous circle in my life

1 Exercise will help me sleep better, be clear-headed for writing, and feel happy. It will, also, God willing, build up muscles which will boost my metabolism.

I am planning to continue losing weight through Dr. Furhman’s Eat to Live diet as a template (with some deviations), and have already lost 18 pounds on it. It is a nutritarian diet, so, God willing, I will continue to rarely be ill, and to have high levels of energy.

2) Waking early will give me more time to exercise, to tidy the house, and to write, and will give me an increased sense of well-being and shalom.

3) Keeping the house orderly and tidy will increase my shalom and mental wealth. And increase focus for writing.

4) Writing–well that’s in a category in itself! The way it could help my other goals would be through the happiness it gives me. Though Julia Cameron suggests that writing down your words daily helps you lose weight.

So that’s it. That’s the Jericho I am praying around. If you think of me, pray for me, please?

In which Christ Writes to an Overweight Woman

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kubuiwilderness2

Jesus, I am fed up of food rules and diets, and giving them up. and sabotaging myself when stress or cravings or boredom demand: “Chocolate. Crisps. Comfort foods.” Oh, and the sadness of exercise in a world of subconscious triggers, when kebabs and pizza and cookies undo all the virtue?

And I am fed up, but I cannot give up the battle to be a light, flexible strong woman who can walk fast for long hours, because I love to travel, and I love to see your world, and I love to walk by rivers and in mountains, in wild and beautiful Aslan’s own country, and I want to continue being able to do so into my nineties!

And I think of this little canker in my life in an area which should be joy. And I think of decades of abandoned diets, and I could cry, and so could you. I am fed up of vacillating between diet plans, but you are never fed up of me; your heart wells with sadness and compassion for me and you love me, and you want to give me the keys of life, and to tell me your secrets, which lie in plain sight for her who has ears to hear, and eyes to see.

And I know that once I have sought your face, and heard your voice, things are easier. It is easier to set my face like flint on my course.

So speak, Lord, your servant is listening.

* * *

Turn it over to me. Hand your weight, and your body which I created and whose life and health and death are in my hands over to me. Hand it over; let it be my worry. It is too heavy a weight for you to carry.

From today this area of your life will no longer be your worry but my worry. Not your business, but my business. I will manage it. Entrust it to me. Trust me. When you don’t know what to do, ask me, and I will tell you.

I do hand it over. Food, weight, fat, my body, all this is now your concern, not mine. When I don’t know what to do I will ask you.

* * *

Thanks.

Leave it in my hands now.  I am managing it.

A table I set before you

In the presence of your foes

And your cup overflows (Ps 23:5)

 

I will prepare

a feast of rich food for you,
a banquet of aged wine—
the best of meats and the finest of wines. (Isaiah 25:6)

Eat from the table of goodness I set before you, remembering me,

For the kingdom of heaven is like a wedding banquet. You are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb.

* * *

JESUS, a feast of rich food, the best of meats and the finest of wines? Banquets, feasts! I am overweight, I tell you.

In the sheet of goodness which tumbles from heaven, are four footed-animals, birds, seed-bearing plants and fruit trees, and large numbers of fish.

Child, ‘Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.’ Do not submit to the rules of this world: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These rules  are based on merely human commands and teachings.  But now is the time for feasting. In me, it always been “Yes.” 

Feasting and fasting, feasting and fasting, come savour these rhythms I have built into creation with work and rest, seedtime and harvest.  Enjoy the good things I  richly provide for your enjoyment

Eat when you are hungry, with celebration, with joy, with thanksgiving, in remembrance of me. And then, fast until you are truly hungry again. For food is for the stomach, and not to be eaten when the body feels no need of it.

* * *

Jesus! No food rules? Really? Me, I’ve tried low-carb and no-carb, and Atkins and vegan, and low-fat and low-sugar, and…

I know.

Think of blessings (and curses). The original food I gave Adam—  every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit has blessing in it. You know what is a blessing to your body: fruits, veggies, beans, nuts, seeds, fish…

 

However, everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving. I have been recorded eating bread, and fish, and a Passover meal, traditionally of lamb, bread, egg, wine, and charoset, with honey, fruit and nuts. None of these would have been an optimal sole food.

Be careful though with foods I wouldn’t have recognized,  treats known to be toxic, food deliberately manufactured to be addictive.

When hungry, eat for health, and eat with joy.

* * *

What if I crave food when I am not really hungry? To relax, because I am stressed, as a break, and for pleasure?

Slow down, child. Slowing down is the beginning of the spiritual life. Examine the real needs of your soul and body when you find yourself wanting chocolate or “comfort foods.”

Build a treasure box of the heart in which you put other pleasures: a quick run, reading blogs or a book, reading scripture, yoga, a movie, fixing a date with a friend. Or just pray recreationally. Or pray and garden, pray and walk.

I might free you from this food-crutch instantly, today. Or I might heal you gradually, as the blind man I cured first saw men like trees walking.

But healing is in your destiny, because we need to deal with this challenge, you and I, so you can move forward on your pilgrim’s progress on the narrow road of sanctification, dealing with the next challenge, and the next.

* * *

Finally, remember the value of physical training. You eat recreationally for the sense of bliss and satiety, for energy, to keep you going for long laptop hours, for forgetfullness, for dopamine surges, for highs. Running will give you all this.

Come, let’s run the race together.

 

Image credit

 

 

Two Difficult Things by December

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Alice laughed. “One can’t believe impossible things.

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.“

Luckily, I have only two difficult things to do before January, but they are going to take all my focus for the rest of the year.

One is a pilgrimage in Tuscany in September, walking 8-14 miles a day. Since I am currently walking 4.5 miles most days, it will be a challenge! But not an impossible one! My reading (yeah, my first step to doing anything: buy a book!) suggests that one can, relatively easily, increase one’s total weekly mileage by 10 % each week, (and, with steady training, it is possible to go from couch to running a half marathon in six months) so I am optimistic that I will get there. Walking hills easily—um… um..

I think the only way I will be able to easily walk 8-14 miles a day in the hills of Tuscany in September (given my current fitness) is to take up running. Fortunately, I love running far more than walking. (I can’t run fast yet, alas, but running unleashes endorphins and endocannabinoids so that I return euphoric, happy, mentally clear, thinking positively, feeling optimistic and loving, with “calm of mind, all passion spent,” in Milton’s phrase.

In such a state of mind, one feels less need to manipulate one’s brain chemistry to find a high through the highly addictive salt, sugar, fat,  or chocolate which has been the bane of my life for so many years.

I am reading a fascinating book called The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg which talks about keystone habits. Implementing these unleashes a cascade of positive changes in people’s lives.

One of these keystone habits, unsurprisingly, is exercise. You end up eating better partly because you need to for your run, and partly because the endorphins your run generates means you need less “comfort food,”  and also because it’s hard to undo the effects of a run with a heavy, unhealthy meal. You think better, work better, and sleep better. The confidence generated by taking up challenging exercise spills over into work, relationships, adopting new challenges, etc.

* * *

The other difficult thing I plan to do by December is to complete my memoir of an Indian Catholic childhood, on which I have worked off and on for 15 years, though I more or less shelved it in 2006. But I feel uneasy and discontent until it is wrapped up, and now the time has come to do so.

I have signed with Darrell Vesterfelt of Prodigal Press, and my book will be published in April 2014. Which means I have to finish it by December. Which means serious hours of work.

I feel God has been beautifully stitching my life together. The running will help me be mentally fresh and physically capable of the hours at my desk that it’s going to take to finish this book by December.

I have a first draft of the book, but need the structure (turning in weekly chapters) and encouragement, editing and coaching that Darrell and Prodigal Press will provide to have it done by December.

* * *

I am meditating through the Gospel of Matthew at moment.

Repent for the Kingdom of God is near, (Matt 3:2). So the adult Jesus is introduced in the Gospel of John. Repent, a 180 degree turn from doing your own thing to living in the Kingdom, in the force field of God’s presence and power, doing things as God enables you.

I have had a very pleasant, though hedonistic holiday in Corfu, but now that I am home, discipline feels sweet to my soul.

Repenting, turning, returning. Back to a more disciplined way of eating, turning away from the pleasures of souvlaki, gyros, spanakopita, moussaka, baklava, and halwa to things which unequivocally bless my body, a plethora of fruits and veggies and beans and sprouts. (Roy is becoming a gourmet veggie cook, so don’t feel too sad for me).

No more staying up late, and sleeping in, but returning to a disciplined sleep/wake schedule. Early to bed!!

And lazy beach walks and desultory hikes will be replaced by determined 7-8 km run/walks. Am doing a 7 km race walk in Hyde Park on April 14th. Join me?

Ah, back to discipline. Reading, writing for long hours, with Pomodoro breaks every 25 minutes to tidy up, and the internet switched off with Antisocial and Stayfocusd, wonderful apps.

Discipline, anchored in the vine! If I try to be disciplined on my own strength, energy and enthusiasm, well, they soon peter out, but anchored in Jesus, with his sweet life flowing through me, ah, in that there is hope!!

What are your challenges for the rest of the year? Tell me!

Depression and exercise

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I remember a nice phrase in Andrew Solomon’s book on depression, “The Noon Day Demon,”  which I first read in the New Yorker. That “exercise exorcised the depression from his body”.

That’s exactly how it is with me. In a typical depressive pattern, I often wake up sluggish and with low mood, and gain in alertness and spirit as the day winds on, ending up wide-awake at night.

The light therapy I am trying is helping.

But running also helps enormously, filling me with alertness, endorphins, serotonin, all that is good.

Yoga too fills me with calm, alertness and a feeling of well-being.

And, it is one of the mysteries of being me that I run almost every day, rather than every day when running makes me feel so good. Ditto with yoga

Sleep, Chronotherapy, Light Boxes, and Waking Early.

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Hmm, interesting article from New York Times.

I used to use lightboxes 13 years ago, and it worked.
Then I forget to do it, then forgot how to do it. As happens with many things. (Faith, for instance, or prayer.)

After reading this, I dug out my old lightboxes, started using them the moment I woke up, and am indeed waking up earlier, and refreshed.

Yay. Jogging helps too. I almost never sleep badly when I have gone for my 30 minute jog. Especially if I have also done my 30 minutes of yoga before going to sleep.