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At the End of Broken Dreams, an Open Door

By Anita Mathias

images paysages

About 20 years ago, in Williamsburg, Virginia, we used to sing this in church,  “At the end of broken dreams, an open door.”

I sung it because I liked the lyricism, but I had no interest in the open door at the end of broken dreams because then the dreams would have to be broken, right?

* * *

Well, well, well…

My daughters, choosing their own paths, ask me what my goals were when I was their age. I confess–with a wry smile–that my life barely resembles the dreams I had at 21.

Well, hello there, “failure.” Except the word has lost its sting. Sadness has given way to a shrug.

My life hasn’t worked out as I wanted…more dreaming than writing….though I perhaps have some good decades ahead of me.

And had a career worked out as I had wished, there would have been a lot more stress, busyness, pointless work, self-promotion, and exhaustion, and I would have reached middle age substantially more tired. And in worse health!

There are gains to all our losses—and some loss to all our gains. Tweet: There are gains to all our losses—and some loss to all our gains. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/12dfq+

The best thing we can do then is throw up our hands in acceptance and worship. Tweet: The best thing then that we can do is throw up our hands in acceptance and worship. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/p2l5A+ 

Failure. The beautiful thing about achieving failure is that we no longer fear it. Tweet: Failure. The beautiful thing about achieving failure is that we no longer fear it. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/Q6rf1+

Failure is a re-direction. We have been whisked into a different plot. Tweet: Failure is a re-direction. We have been whisked into a different plot. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/dg1ds+

* * *

The dreams of 20-30 years ago are not entirely “broken,” though they have morphed.

I wanted to write as beautifully as the writers I then idolised…Salman Rushdie, Vladimir Nabokov, Toni Morrison, Annie Dillard, Laurie Lee; to write with that beautiful texture, almost music. Yeah, I’d still like to.

However, that kind of writing comes out of immersion in literature, and the way life has happened…I haven’t read enough.

I took four years out of reading and writing to establish a business. At the end of that four years, I faced my broken dreams. My fingers had got stiff. My writing felt like the flightless cormorant of the Galapagos– bland, music-less, poetry-less compared to what it had been just four years ago. The instinct had gone dormant. That intricate lace-like writing which had once won me a National Endowment of the Arts award of $20,000– I couldn’t do it any more. I had lost the knack.

Broken dreams.

Once the business no longer needed my involvement for my husband is now running it, I wondered what I was going to do, how I was going to wriggle back to writing.

And I did perhaps the only thing I really know how to do… I prayed.

* * *

And, four months in limbo, I heard God suggest blogging…

That sounds like a grand way of putting it, but it’s the only accurate way!

My readers when I started were my Facebook friends…but slowly through the miracle of Google and the web and social sharing, they grew. About 10,000 people read my blogs each month, unique monthly visitors Google calls them.

And, ironically, my blogs may touch more people’s hearts, spirits and lives than the exquisite, artful writing I wanted to create. They may influence people for good on a daily basis. May help shape the way people think and perceive; help shape spirits. Blogging has been an unexpected adventure, and an unexpected gift!

* * *

I want to write beautifully, of course I do, and I will keep trying to write well until I die. Keep practising.

But what I am primarily aiming for in blogging is not a lace-maker’s artistry.

I think instead of a leaf, a kite, a raptor, catching the wings of the wind, flying high and higher as the wind lifts it.

I think of recording what God whispers to my heart.

* * *

I am trying to write–if it’s not too grand a word–“prophetically.” I try to hear what God is saying to me, and write it down. Record what I am struggling with…and the answers I have discovered. Answers which may perhaps help someone else up to the next step of the ladder.

And that’s more satisfying, healing, and enriching for my mind, heart, soul, and body than writing the beautiful literary books I wanted to.

Blogging…the open door at the end of broken dreams.

Will I ever write the books I wanted to? I believe so, though they will be different, more products of Spirit than of blood, sweat, toil and tears.

And that’s all to the good, isn’t it?

                                                                                                                                    * * *
Anyway, it’s become second nature now, when I face the rubble of broken dreams, things not turning out as I had expected, to ask, “So what’s the plot, Lord? Where’s the open door in this rubble? Show me the road I am to take.”

You come to a dead end, and there is hope in the deadness. For nothing in this world truly dies; dead seeds reappear as sheaves of wheat. Tweet: For nothing in this world truly dies; dead seeds reappear as sheaves of wheat. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/nV6G9+ Every death has some resurrection in it.

This world whispers of infinity. Pi has been computed to 10 trillion digits. 10 trillion of an infinite number of digits? Is that success or failure? It’s interwoven. There’s some failure in our bright successes, and our failures have ironic gains and golden lessons.

* * *

There are no dead ends. The door which seems closed whispers of windows.

And that window swings open….and you see the stars.

 

Tweetables

For nothing in this world truly dies; dead seeds reappear as sheaves of wheat.  From @AnitaMathias1  Tweet: For nothing in this world truly dies; dead seeds reappear as sheaves of wheat. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/nV6G9+

The best thing then that we can do is throw up our hands in acceptance and worship. From @AnitaMathias1 Tweet: The best thing then that we can do is throw up our hands in acceptance and worship. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/p2l5A+

The beautiful thing about achieving failure is that we no longer fear it. From @AnitaMathias1 Tweet: Failure. The beautiful thing about achieving failure is that we no longer fear it. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/Q6rf1+

Failure is a re-direction. We have been whisked into a different plot. From @AnitaMathias1 Tweet: Failure is a re-direction. We have been whisked into a different plot. From @AnitaMathias1 http://ctt.ec/dg1ds+

Every death has some resurrection in it. From  “At the end of broken dreams, an open door.” Tweet: Every death has some resurrection in it. From “At the end of broken dreams, an open door.” http://ctt.ec/rPodp+ @AnitaMathias1

 

 

Filed Under: In which I am amazed by the love of the Father, In which I bow my knee in praise and worship, Work Tagged With: blogging, broken dreams, failure, grain of wheat dying, literary writing, open doors, redemption, Resurrection, writing prophetically

Why I Believe in the Resurrection

By Anita Mathias

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I murmured, “I believe in the resurrection.”

Roy, woken up, said, amused, “I am glad to hear it!”

* * *

I was thinking of this passage I had recently read in Diarmaid MacCulloch’s magisterial, A History of Christianity.

Christianity is, at root, a personality cult. Its central message is the story of a person, Jesus, whom Christians believe is the Christ (from a Greek word, meaning Anointed One): the God who was, is and ever shall be, yet who is at the same time a human being, set in historic time.

 Christians believe that they can still meet this human being in a fashion comparable to the experience of the disciples who walked with him in Galilee, and saw him die on the cross. They are convinced that this meeting transforms lives—as has been evident in the experiences of other Christians across the centuries.

For me, that’s the ultimate proof of the resurrection—that Jesus is as real to me as anyone I know. Realer, perhaps, because I feel I know him better than most people I know.

                                                                                                                       * * *

The pastor of my old church, Williamsburg Community Chapel, Virginia, Bill Warrick, said he asked a Young Life mentee, “If you could speak to Jesus, and be answered, would you believe?” The young man replied (this was the American South), “Oh yes, Sir, that would be the ultimate extra-terrestrial experience!”

Indeed, prayer, asking Jesus how to do things–whether it’s home-managing suff, or business stuff, or writing, or blogging, or even Twitter!!—and receiving surprising and brilliant answers…yes, that’s the ultimate extra-terrestrial experience.

* * *

American Bible teacher Beth Moore was asked, “How do you know that Christ is real?” She replied, “If he wasn’t, then I must be crazy, because I talk to him all the time, and he answers.”

It’s one proof, to me, that Christ is real and alive. I feel I can ask him questions, and get an answer.

I can ask him how to do things, or what to do, and clarity comes, and, often, insight and a Gordian-knot-cutting to the heart of the problem, that comes from beyond myself, from beyond my radar, my intelligence, or the way I normally think.

Of course, if researchers track creative people who meditate, they might come across similar answers surfacing from the unconscious. Whole mathematical careers, for instance, Ramanujan’s, have been built on these heuristic insights. (Interestingly, Ramanujan claimed he received his mathematical insights in prayer and meditation).

What is more amazing, perhaps, is when prayer changes things outside yourself—other people’s hearts; external events; the acceleration of a career; how co-incidences accumulate when one prays, Berlin walls topple, glasnost occurs, in our lives and in the world.

* * *

 Ultimately, I believe in the resurrection because to me Christ is so real that I can often “see” him with the eyes of faith. Because, on request, he can turn my moods around, and fill my heart with joy.

Because he answers my prayers, in the micro-level of my mind, heart and spirit, and on the macro-level by orchestrating events which I am powerless to.

* * *

John’s proof of the reality of Jesus was that he had seen him: That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it. (1 John 1).

I believe in the resurrection because I have experienced Jesus, and He has changed the deep structure of my mind, heart and spirit on a molecular level, as he changed water to wine; fed 5000 with 5 loaves; made water as solid as earth and walked on it; and resurrected the dead body of Lazarus—and then his own.

Filed Under: In which I stroll through the Liturgical Year Tagged With: Easter, Resurrection

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Anita Mathias: About Me

Anita Mathias

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My Books

Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

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The Story of Dirk Willems

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Premier Digital Awards 2015 - Finalist - Blogger of the year
Runner Up Christian Media Awards 2014 - Tweeter of the year

Recent Posts

  •  On Not Wasting a Desert Experience
  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
  • Trust: A Message of Christmas
  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
  • “An Autobiography in Five Chapters” and Avoiding Habitual Holes  
  • Shining Faith in Action: Dirk Willems on the Ice
  • The Story of Dirk Willems: The Man who Died to Save His Enemy

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What I’m Reading

Childhood, Youth, Dependency: The Copenhagen Trilogy
Tove Ditlevsen

  The Copenhagen Trilogy  - Amazon.com
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Amazing Faith: The Authorized Biography of Bill Bright
Michael Richardson

Amazing Faith -- Bill Bright -- Amazon.com
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On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Stephen King

On Writing --  Amazon.com
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Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life
Kathleen Norris

KATHLEEN NORRIS --  Amazon.com
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Andrew Marr


A History of the World
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Opened Ground: Poems, 1966-96
Seamus Heaney


Opened Ground: Poems, 1966-96 
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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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