Anita Mathias | Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

John Wesley’s Cry: Let’s Stand Apart from a Generation of Triflers

Here is John Wesley’s scathing last sermon to the University of Oxford

“So many of you are a generation of triflers; triflers with God, with one another, and with your own souls? For, how few of you spend, from one week to another, a single hour in private prayer! How few have any thought of God in the general tenor of your conversation! Who of you is in any degree acquainted with the work of his Spirit, his supernatural work in the souls of men? Can you bear, unless now and then in a church, any talk of the Holy Ghost? Would you not take it for granted, if one began such a conversation, that it was hypocrisy? In the name of the Lord God Almighty, I ask, what religion are you of? Even the talk of Christianity, ye cannot, will not bear. O my brethren, what a Christian city is this!

I have just attended a very interesting talk on Wesley and Whitfield in a Summer School I am attending at the Wycliffe College, Oxford University, on the Christian history of Oxford.

Wesley began to be a serious Christian at the age of 22 after reading The Imitation of Christ. He writes, “I began to see that true religion was seated in the heart and that God’s law extended to all our thoughts as well as words and actions. I began to set in earnest upon a new life.

I executed a resolution which I was convinced was of the utmost importance, shaking off at once all my trifling acquaintance, I began to see more and more the value of time.I applied myself closer to study.”Similarly, when Whitfield was converted, he writes that he “put off all trifling conversation, put all trifling books away, and was determined to study to be a saint, and then to be a scholar.”

I love reading about the effects of people’s conversions, and I love the new seriousness which infected Wesley after his conversion. He shakes off all relationships which are trivial and “trifling,”-insignificant. He values his time. He applies himself to study.

It is as if in taking God seriously, he has begun to take himself seriously. In fact, beginning to read is a not infrequent effect of conversion.

Trifler is not a word one hears in England, but when I lived in the American South, older people would call a slight, trivial, unserious person, “a trifling person.” Funny how words persist across the Atlantic, which have died out here.

Wesley greatly stressed reading for Christians. Without reading, your knowledge of God, your fellow men, the spiritual life, Christian history, the Bible and theology will be limited to your own experience and conversations. If you read however, within a couple of hours you are enriched by, possibly, decades of someone else’s thinking, study and experience.

Here’s Wesley scolding a minister who would not read,

What has exceedingly hurt you in time past, nay, and I fear to this day, is want of reading.

I scarce ever knew a preacher read so little. And perhaps, by neglecting it, you have lost the taste for it. Hence your talent in preaching does not increase. It is just the same as it was seven years ago. It is lively, but not deep; there is little variety, there is no compass of thought. Reading only can supply this, with meditation and daily prayer. You wrong yourself greatly by omitting this. You can never be a deep preacher without it, any more than a thorough Christian.

O begin! Fix some part of every day for private exercises. You may acquire the taste which you have not: what is tedious at first, will afterwards be pleasant.

Whether you like it or not, read and pray daily. It is for your life; there is no other way; else you will be a trifler all your days, and a petty, superficial preacher. Do justice to your own soul; give it time and means to grow. Do not starve yourself any longer. Take up your cross and be a Christian altogether.

· * *

I wrote yesterday about deciding to take up my calling as a writer with new seriousness. And I guess that means saying goodbye to trifling. Goodbye to spending time on what Wesley calls “trifling acquaintance” and trifling pursuits. Instead, facing my life with a new seriousness and focus which will spring I hope from abiding in Christ.

Ah, a new gauge for whether I read a book, watch a movie, embark on this recreation or social activity. Is it “trifling?” If so, is there a better use of my time—and life?

So help me, God!!

In Which I Discover that my Calling as a Christian and as a Writer are One and the Same!

By Anita Mathias

For many years, I felt guilty about having a calling which was not directly compatible with motherhood, i.e. being a writer.

This guilt was fomented by some well-meaning, and some envious people. Samples: “Well, I love baking, but my children need a mommy more.” “You can write after they grow up. Babies need mommies.” “Don’t put the caboose before the train.” “Trust God to give you time to write after you’ve done the housework and met the needs of your kids.” (All these while I lived in small-town America).

But, oddly, when I don’t write, I am not a brilliant mother or housewife either. I need to go into a room and be quiet and think and create for my own happiness. And if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

I now see clearly that my quest to be a writer and to follow Christ, are one and the same quest. That writing is my path, my calling, my vocation.

When I see Christ in my mind’s eye, when I think of pursuing Christ between the wings of the cherubim, I see a book at his heart. With “The Lord is my light,” or perhaps with “In the beginning was the word,” the current and former mottoes of Oxford University respectively.

For me, diving into Christ, and diving into my calling as a writer are becoming one and the same. Because that is what, inexplicably God called me to be and to do—to write.

And the writing is not an easy calling. For me to write well and prolifically will take dedication, discipline and self-denial.

* * *

Gerard Manley Hopkins writes,

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies dráw fláme;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves—goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying Whát I do is me: for that I came.

What I do is write; and writing is me. Focusing on my writing is following God’s will for me.

And at the end of my life, I’d love to be able to say, like Jesus did, “I have finished the work you gave me to do,” (John 17:4).

Calvinism is Clever, but Would Jesus Recognise it?

By Anita Mathias

Calvin, by Titian

Calvin—Okay, I have summarized Christianity: Total depravity, unconditional election, limited atonement, irresistible grace, perseverance of the saints.

Jesus–Excuse me, I am not sure I understand you.

Calvin–You know, TULIP, what you taught.

Jesus—What I taught? I am sorry, but I don’t understand a word of it.

Calvin, scratching head–Stop joking, Jesus. This is serious. Why, haven’t you seen John Piper, my hyper-follower’s brilliant 221 word summary of Christianity—which is all about you, you know?

God is the sovereign, transcendent and personal God who has made the universe, including us, his image-bearers. Our misery lies in our rebellion, our alienation from God, which, despite his forbearance, attracts his implacable wrath.

But God, precisely because love is of the very essence of his character, takes the initiative and prepared for the coming of his own Son by raising up a people who, by covenantal stipulations, temple worship, systems of sacrifice and of priesthood, by kings and by prophets, are taught something of what God is planning and what he expects.

In the fullness of time his Son comes and takes on human nature. He comes not, in the first instance, to judge but to save: he dies the death of his people, rises from the grave and, in returning to his heavenly Father, bequeaths the Holy Spirit as the down payment and guarantee of the ultimate gift he has secured for them—an eternity of bliss in the presence of God himself, in a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.

The only alternative is to be shut out from the presence of this God forever, in the torments of hell. What men and women must do, before it is too late, is repent and trust Christ; the alternative is to disobey the gospel.

Jesus—I taught all that?

Calvin—Stop it, Jesus. What did you teach then?

Jesus—But why didn’t you read the Gospels, if you wanted to know? Here are 221 words I remember saying,

I came not to call the righteous but sinners; not to judge the world, but to save it.

Repent and believe the good news.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. Love your neighbour as yourself.” All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Don’t be afraid. Do not worry about anything at all. Peace I give you. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

I teach so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be full.

When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for you.

He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood lives in me, and I in him.

Take and drink; this is my blood of the covenant which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. Do this in memory of me.

My Father will give you another counsellor—the Spirit of Truth. He will be with you and in you. You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you.

Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.

Calvin—That’s far too simple. That’s how a blogger would write. But we are theologians, you and I.

Jesus—No, just you. I spoke to be understood.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength: Guest Post by Dana Rongione

By Anita Mathias

Today’s guest post is from Dana Rongione who blogs at A Word Fitly Spoken

Why Wait?

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31 KJV

Without a doubt, Isaiah 40:31 is probably one of the most famous verses of all time. It is quoted in books and from pulpits. It accompanies pictures on artwork and decorations. For it is a passage that offers hope, encouragement and strength. But within that promise is a condition, a contingency upon which the completion of this promise hinges. And at the center of that condition is a four-letter word that causes my knees to shake and heart to quicken—WAIT.

You see, what we often fail to realize is that this promise of strength and stamina is not given to all, but to those that wait upon the Lord. We tend to see the part of the verse that we like and ignore the part we don’t. But in this case, the part that makes us cringe cannot be ignored, for it is the subject of the verse, the center of the promise.

In a way, the verse reminds me of the old saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” Certainly, the things promised in Isaiah are good things. But who wants to wait? With express lanes, drive-thrus and automatic downloads, we are not accustomed to waiting. We want things when we want them, and that means NOW. How often we forget that God’s timing is not our timing? I’ve been reminded of this truth many times in my life, but never more so than when I felt the need to make a change in my career.

After eight years of teaching kindergarten, I was burned out. The days no longer held joy. I dreaded meetings with parents, the never-ending graduation practices and most of all, facing a colleague who had lied about me and gotten me into great trouble with the administration. Each day, it became harder to get out of bed and plaster a smile on my face. I was miserable and sensed that God was trying to tell me something.

Since the majority of my discontentment revolved around my job, I naturally assumed that God was trying to move me to teach in another location. The thought of leaving the security of my present job was terrifying, but no more so than remaining in my state of despair. I contacted schools and sent out resumes, but nothing happened. As time passed, I grew more nervous and agitated, but then I began to pick up on something. There was a common theme running through every song I heard, every sermon that was preached and every devotion that I read. The theme was “wait.”

After a particularly difficult week, my husband and I stayed after church and spoke with our pastor. I told him how I had been feeling. I relayed how I had thought that God was trying to move me, but that every move I made was countered with the reminder to wait. I asked him to help us pray that God would make His will known and that we would understand His directions when the time came. That same evening, we had a guest preacher at our church. As he began preaching on waiting, my pastor turned around to look at me. We shared a laugh.

My waiting was not over. In fact, it was another year before the Lord finally revealed His true plan. At that time, after much prayer, I left my teaching job to pursue my writing ministry. Had I made a change when I first felt the stirrings of my heart, I would have simply moved to another place of teaching. I would have never imagined that God would have called me to do anything else. And to be honest, if He had called me away then, I don’t know that I would have been spiritually mature enough to have obeyed.

I grew a lot during that time of waiting. It was difficult and uncomfortable, but God knew it was something I needed. He used that time of waiting to mold me and make me into what I needed to be in order to take the next steps He had for my life. Waiting time is not wasting time.

Now, when God tells me to wait for something, I try to remind myself of what God can do with me in the stillness. I try to put my impatience aside and instead focus on my longing to become more of what God wants me to be. It doesn’t make it easy, but it does make the waiting bearable.

Dana introduces herself:

“Having been a Christian for nearly 28 years, Dana knows what it is like to experience both joy in the journey and weariness in well-doing. Currently self-employed as a writer and speaker, she struggles (like many other women) to balance the demands of work, family, church, health, chores, etc.

Dana specializes in writing devotionals that will encourage and uplift the weak and weary Christian. Her blog, A Word Fitly Spoken, is currently read in over 15 different countries, allowing her the opportunity to spread the message of hope and joy throughout the world.

Her most recent book, Random Ramblings of a Raving Redhead, will take you on a journey of personal experience combined with heartfelt encouragement and fun-filled observations intended to lift your spirit, lighten your load, and comfort your heart.

You can find out more about Dana and her ministry by visiting her website at DanaRongione.com.“

Thank you, Dana!!

There’s Nought so Queer as Christians

By Anita Mathias

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Saint Frideswide, Oxford’s First Saint. Burne-Jones window, Christ Church Cathedral

There’s Nought so Queer as Christians

Old Northern English saying. Well, actually, “There’s nowt so queer as folks.”

I am taking a week-long course on the Christian history of Oxford. We learnt of Oxford’s strong religious underpinnings, and the contributions of the Dominicans, Franciscans, Cistercians, Benedictines, Carmelites and Augustinians to this beautiful city I love, and feel a strong inexplicable connection to.

Interestingly, only about a handful of people taking it were from Oxford or the UK. Most were from across the pond. It’s interesting why people who don’t live here would want to spend a week learning about Oxford’s Christian history. But I guess, “there’s nowt so queer as folk”.

* * *

We were divided into small groups for one session. There are as many species of Christians as there are mammals, 4360, or perhaps insects, 900,000!!

And in Christian conferences without a strong focus (evangelical, charismatic, arts) you’ll meet many of them.

* * *

When I first lived in America—late eighties and nineties, Wall Street traders were known as the Masters of the Universe. Well, moth, rush and exogenous events have dented their self-confidence and arrogance, if not their wealth. Are the Masters of the Universe in America currently doctors?

The two most arrogant, full-of-themselves people I’ve met in the last month have both been American Christian doctors. I guess their wealth is immune to economic downturns—if anything might increase if more people get sick from stress and false economies—and then, their intellectual pride makes them sure they have God in their pocket as well as wealth, and the life or death of their patients. I sat next to one at dinner last month, and was appalled by his full-of himself arrogance.

Well, today’s guy–a dermatologist from Houston, who boasts he can diagnose in two seconds– starts, “I am successful,” he says, (I kid you not!!). “I have two houses, and a boat and a stock portfolio. And now I wonder how I can follow Christ. He told his disciples to take nothing for their journeys. He told the rich man to give up everything to follow him. So that’s my first question.”

But this guy from Houston had a problem.

“My second question is,” he continues, “Why am I going to heaven when all the Hindus and Muslims and Jews I am working with are not, when they are better Christians than I am?”

(Now, I am, well, reasonably well-brought-up, so did not say, “Don’t be too sure on either count.” I just thought it. Well, wrote it!)

* * *

Next, we get to Dallas. An impeccably turned out matron, who looks like, and is possibly wearing jewels worth, a million dollars, tells us of her life—comfortable, right schools, right universities, social success and prominence (Americans, stop one-upping each other, I think) going to a rich church for 49.5 years before she began to ask questions. Now her husband is terminally ill, and she delicately wipes a tear, and I suddenly feel sorry for her,

“I can’t pray for him to live for myself,” she says. “That would be selfish. But I pray he may live for the sake of the community, for the larger good he may do.”

“Excuse me?” I said. Had I understood?

“I can’t pray for him to live for just my sake,” she said. “How can I? But I pray he may live for our community, for everyone, for everyone’s good.”

That’s too much for me.

“Why should it be selfish to pray for yourself alone? You too are a child of God,” I say. “He loves you too.”

“Well, thank you!” she says, as if I am being nice, rather than truthful.” She cannot believe God loves her, I realise.

“God says nothing is too small to pray about. He cares about sparrows and our falling hair. He taught us to pray for our daily bread and trust our clothing dilemmas to him.” I say passionately, if didactically.

Upon which the doctor from Houston again has a problem.

“That’s an empty prayer,” he says, contemptuously. “Praying for bread and clothing!!”

I was too disgusted to speak.

Fortunately, a Swiss pastor explained, “Well, if you’ve always had enough, perhaps it’s an empty prayer. But Jesus did teach us to pray for our daily bread. And if you don’t have bread, then it’s a real prayer.”

* * *

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to choose understanding rather than silver! Proverbs 16:6.

I have been teaching the Bible in small groups for over ten years now. When I first started, in Williamsburg, Virginia, I was startled by the number of people, church-goers, who had got the worldly stuff sorted—the trophy husband with the trophy income, the massive house, the swimming pool, the vacation home, the status symbol car and body—but said they were not happy.

And were confused about basic things. I would be asked, “Anita, do you really have peace?” Answer, “Yes, I do. Mostly.” “Anita, are you really happy.” Answer, “Yes, I am. Mostly.” And they’d sigh and say, “I wish I were happy.”

God–even for church-goers, who hadn’t seriously sought him– was a source of more questions than answers, a confusing dark terra incognita.

But it shouldn’t be so.

We really do need to seek God with the same passion with which we seek success or worldly wealth or whatever our idol is, so that we do not arrive at mid-life empty, unhappy, dissatisfied, with more questions than answers.

We seriously need to prioritise the spiritual above anything else. “Do not labour for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life,” John 6:27.

And, we need to fill ourselves with this food, with these living waters so that they flow effortlessly out of us to those with more questions than answers, with more sadness than happiness.

* * *

Happiness ultimately flows from our spiritual lives. And so—to be happy– we must put them at the centre of our lives, and find durable answers to the big questions.

1 What is a good life? 2 How can I be happy 3 What is the meaning of life? 4 Is there life beyond death 5 Is there a God and does he care about me 6) Will he guide me minutely in my day to day decisions. Can I hear his voice 7) How do I find peace and joy?

And these questions are more important than how to be successful, or how to manage time, or how to lose weight, or how to save, or how to get organized, or how to make friends—but how often we forget this!!

Over to you? Do you think happiness ultimately flows from our spiritual lives? What would you add to my list of Life’s Big Questions?

A Spider or a Bee, which Species of Blogger are you?

By Anita Mathias

Jonathan Swift in his The Battle of the Books describes two kinds of writers–the spider and the bee. The bee sips from myriad flowers, and makes honey. The spider weaves webs out of his own entrails.

Well, there are spider bloggers, and bee bloggers. A spider blogger largely writes about herself, her family and her life. It’s an online journal. And if one writes winsomely, and photographs well, a spider blogger can develop quite an audience, for readers hunger for truth, to know how it really is with people they are interested in.

However, without the refreshment and learning of prayer and scripture study and especially reading, Christian blogging (or teaching, preaching or writing) can become spiderish, producing cobwebs, not honey. You say the same things but with decreasing passion. And without passion, conviction can begin to fade.

* * *

Writing about myself and my life is not my predominant interest in blogging, though I do some of those posts when I am exploring or understanding something. I am more interested in writing about ideas and spiritual exploration.

It’s now my third year of blogging, and I have discovered that if I do not read, I can repeat myself, though perhaps with less passion than when the idea first struck

Reading, on the other hand, stretches me. When I encounter new ideas, or a fresh take on old ideas, my thinking changes and enlarges to accommodate them. It’s as if the DNA of my mind has stretched; its double helixes are broader—and in the process I too have changed.

I have noticed that some of the bloggers I most enjoy are continually reading, and so their blogs keep fresh as they interact with, react to, challenge or are challenged by new ideas. As they ingest fresh riches, they have fresh riches to offer their readers.

· * *

“Humankind cannot bear very much reality,” T.S. Eliot said. Similarly, we can only grasp an infinitesimal fraction of the riches of God, just as one who as ascended Everest from southeast ridge from Nepal will not have a different experience and perceptions than one who has ascended from the north ridge in Tibet or any of the 15 other routes. Though it’s the same mountain. And if we read their accounts, we are better prepared for the staggering beauty and the dangers: hypoxia, altitude sickness or blizzards.

So, too our conceptions of God, of Jesus, of the spiritual life, of happiness and the good life—our very thinking—will be considerably stretched and enlarged by reading. And this richness will be reflected in our blogs.

Those who wait upon the Lord will soar on wings like eagles: Guest Post from Jules of Apples of Gold

By Anita Mathias

Today’s guest post is from Jules Middleton, a mum and wife, Christian, artist, potential ordinand and blogger. Her blog Apples of Gold reflects her Christian journey in every day life.

Thank you, Jules!

Jules with her family

Those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

When Anita approached me about doing this post, at first I thought ‘why me?’ Amongst the amazing people who have already written, I don’t have much to offer. But then I saw the verse she had chosen: Isaiah 40:31.

This verse has been central to my life over the last year or so, in both a literal sense, as I have been coming to terms with chronic exhaustion, and a spiritual one as I find my faith dramatically renewed after years of being a bit vague about it all!

I come from a church going background. My family were, and still are involved with their local church, we did Sunday school, they rang the bells. We did church. But I’m not sure we really did faith. The result was that I got more and more confused, and in my early 30s walked away from church completely. Disillusioned, fed up, hurt. But by contrast I felt completely happy with me.

I knew who I was, where I was going, I was running my own business, and being a mum to 3 and a wife. I felt proud of who I was, what I had achieved, I had fought through some tough stuff to be where I was and I knew it was down to me and me alone. I was confident, outgoing, did not suffer fools gladly, had very high standards and I was probably a bit rude and obnoxious too.

Then our marriage began to suffer, my husband developed anxiety issues, I was stressed and working every hour God sent. Looking back, starting a business with 3 kids, one only just 2, was foolish. The pressure of having a young family is huge in a marriage and to add that into the equation was insane. But as I said, I was headstrong and I knew what I wanted. I wanted something for me, something other than being ‘just a wife and a mother’.

Then God appeared in our lives. Well, I say ‘appeared’: what happened was a builder working on our house, a committed Christian, appeared in our lives, bringing Jesus with him.

The story is a long one but, in brief, he finally helped us to understand what Jesus did. What it is really all about. All the stuff we had missed in our years in church–well, he filled in the blanks. And bang, it all fell into place.

I welcomed Jesus into my life wholeheartedly. I felt called into ministry almost instantly. I knew I had been in the wrong place. Everything I had known, had been comfortable with, been confident in, particularly about myself, just fell away. But instead of being anxious about this, I loved it. I felt the freedom of not being in control of my life (of course there have been moments…!) of trusting in a higher being, and knowing that I was loved completely. That everything I had ever done, thought or spoken in anger and hate was forgiven. It was an amazing time.

Then just two weeks later, I came down with a virus which basically never went away. Although the main symptoms went, I was left feeling tired all the time and still trying to continue running my own business. Over the next 12 months I had various blood tests and examinations; I had to scale down my work where I could, and eventually sold the business.

Throughout that time this verse from Isaiah kept me going. It may be a cliché and an obvious choice, but when I first came across it whilst reading Isaiah, it literally leapt off the page.

Whilst I never doubted God in my illness, I read that and just knew he was absolutely there, in it with me. I am a strong person by nature, or perhaps thanks to what life has thrown at me, but there have been times over the last 18 months where I have just sat on my bed and cried. Crying out to the Lord, ‘How long will this go on? Why am I not being healed?’ (despite copious prayer).

But this verse reminds me to trust in my Heavenly Father and that my strength will be renewed. It’s interesting that various translations use either: wait on, trust in, or hope in, the Lord. All of which have different meanings, but they all require patience. If I have hope for my healing, I wait for it patiently; if I trust in him, I trust patiently that he will guide me and heal me; If I wait on Him, spend time seeking Him, I will know his will for me.

And the second part of the verse just paints such an amazing picture doesn’t it? It doesn’t just say, you will be okay, God will be with you, or things will improve. No. It says everything will be fantastic! You won’t just fly, you will SOAR. And not just that, but on wings like one of the most majestic, strong and powerful birds. What a picture!

For me, that gives me hope in my illness, in my every day life, but I also think it refers to life after this earth, life in heaven with our King, when the troubles of this world will fall away. We all get weary with life, we get weary with the daily grind, we get weary with God. But in heaven, we will soar! We will run and not be weary. All we have to do is Hope, Trust and Wait on the One who knows our trials and troubles. The one who has the answer to all things. The one who is Lord.

Those who Hope in the Lord will Renew their Strength: a guest post from Jennifer from Diary of 1

By Anita Mathias

Jennifer lives in the Pacific Northwest and is a wife and mother to four children. She currently runs an online sports business with her husband. Jennifer has a BA in Political Science and French, a Masters in Teaching, has taught in public and private schools, and also spent several years homeschooling her children. Jennifer blogs at Diary of 1

In this post, Jennifer writes about experiencing God and hope in the very depths!

Welcome, Jennifer, and thank you!

Jennifer

Those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31).

“Your pace will change from a sprint to a marathon,” she counseled. These words brought immense hope to my soul on the heels of a few exhausting years that did indeed feel like the 50-yard dash on replay every hour of my day.

The thought of a marathon panics some, but its pace is slower, steadier than the sprint, and yes, we still have a race to run, but perhaps it didn’t have to kill me?

I had been waiting for this comfort, and many translations in fact interpret the words “hope in the Lord” as “wait on the Lord.”

Following the meltdown of a business I was involved in, following the slander, the emotional pain, the despair of such magnitude I thought I might die of it, I discovered the truth that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

This renewal of strength is conditional of course, as all of God’s promises are, on a decision I had to make: would I hope in the Lord? If so, then I could soar with the wings of an eagle! I could run and not grow weary! I could walk and not be faint! These are miracles, all humanly impossible, for who among us can sprout wings or never tire or feel faint after endless movement?

I remember praying to God to make me invisible. For the first two weeks after this business collapse – and, without going into the details, I will simply reveal that I was unjustly accused of many things, including financial improprieties – I couldn’t leave my house (except for the picking up of the raw fragments of that business), held there by my own almost manic despair.

I certainly didn’t handle all business details well, and made some unwise, irresponsible and naive decisions, but this, Lord? This was too much.

My husband did the shopping, errands, and all necessary functions of life as I half-lived, my movements like a lizard’s tail that moves after it’s been dropped from the body. When finally I did have the strength to make one small trip to the store, I got through it by praying, “Lord, please let people miraculously look right through me. Make me invisible. I can’t handle people and their slander and their bitter words.” I yet had no hope and felt no grace.

I lived for a long time in fear and mistrust, which may be the antithesis of hope. Fear of never recovering, mistrust of the intentions of everyone, afraid of sleeping, for then the shadow of death settled in. And then came the period of the sprinting, sometimes running hard to prove I was something, sometimes running hard just to get away. I was wounded too much to hope, I thought. I couldn’t speak and I was mute and knew no one and no one knew me.

I lived in the Psalms during the dark days as in no other season of my life. In fact, I believe I never before even remotely had an emotional connection with the Psalms, with the pursuit of enemies, the sheer agony of despair that David cries out about. I never before needed Hope like I needed it during those years. I cried out to the Lord out of the brokenness of my spirit as I had never before cried. I could almost physically feel my mind splintering.

And behold, this hell is the very best opportunity to experience Hope, though who would want to live in these dark David-like caves? But who was called a man after God’s own heart?

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall.” These words precede the promise in Isaiah 40:31. In my own strength and youth (immaturity), I was weary and had utterly fallen. I needed Hope.

It took time, but gradually I re-entered normalcy as best I could, and bit by bit He renewed my strength. I would still be in that cave were it not for this promise of God: Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. God-sent friends thoroughly loved me through these months and years, believed in me, lifted me up, and indeed still lift me up, like the wise woman who shared the gift about the marathon. I clung to His Word. I was as the deer who panted for water.

Biblical hope is powerful and mighty to save. This hope is an expectation that positively, absolutely the thing will come to pass. The hope we’re waiting for is always God’s salvation, both His eternal salvation and the salvation we need in the daily moments of life. It’s beyond me, yet I must actively participate.

I found that Hope required me to move. I wanted to lie in bed in my despair but it was in the rising up, pursuing Him through prayer, worship, and meditation upon the Word, that Hope changed me.

Hope renews, and I’m also learning that it’s a daily renewal. Hope yesterday was for that day. Today? I need it fresh. Because sometimes, I still hear a graceless word and want to crawl in a cave and am overcome by fear and mistrust.

As Vincent McNabb, Irish scholar and priest,once said, “Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them.” I pray daily for that special grace to have Hope for the day, for new wings and fresh feet.

anita.mathias