I had a cancer scare two and a half years ago. Fear gripped my heart when I realised the doctor suspected endometrial cancer. Fears of chemotherapy–and, perhaps worse, death. My youngest daughter was just 12. I was by no means ready to die.
And I lay down, and “saw” a vision. Christ walking towards me on the dark waters. And he said, “It is I. Do not be afraid.”
I took that to mean that I did not have cancer, and fear left my heart.
The biopsy results took six weeks to arrive. A friend who worked in that department told me that I would get my results earlier if I called. Roy urged me to call, but I had lost interest. I had seen Jesus and he told me not to be afraid.
When the letter arrived, all was well.
* * *
Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, why did I not revise my life? Change my diet, cut fat and sugars, become active and lose weight. Oh Jesus!
So I reach a state of exhaustion this August, and I keep telling Roy, “I think I have cancer. Nothing else can explain the progressive exhaustion despite a good, good diet.” My short daily walk was exhausting me.
I go to the doctor. I am severely anaemic. I have a colonoscopy. They find a very large polyp. It has been growing for years by the size of it. The doctor looks at it, and says it has a Type V pit pattern, the worst incidentally, correlated with malignancies.
The biopsy results take 23 days to arrive—just long enough for hope to spring up in my heart, hope for a second chance to be healthy and revise my life.
The nurse hears the tremor in my voice, and says the results are “highly suspicious” of cancer. Was she being kind? Oh I prefer the truth, no matter how brutal.
So I am to see a surgeon on November 13th for another colonoscopy and to plan on how to remove the 6 cm polyp. The nurse thinks it will probably involve major surgery, scheduled for November 25th or December 9th.
This dismays me. I have so little energy, and exercise is hard for me, anyway. How on earth will I exercise while recovering from surgery?
* * *
Anyway, when I first got the call saying the anaemia was severe, and I should have a colonoscopy, I was filled with fear, and lay face down on my bed.
And, like the previous time, I “saw” Jesus walk towards me on the waters. And he said, “Take courage. It is I; do not be afraid.” (Matt. 14:27)
And like Peter, I saw myself walk towards him on the waters, and grow afraid, and begin to sink.
And Jesus held my hand, and said, “You of little faith. Why did you doubt?”
So that was the image and the comfort. Not a clear sense of “No cancer,” as last time, alas, but this comfort: Jesus will hold my hand through this. I will walk on the waters of what is to come, holding Jesus’s hand.
* * *
So that’s where I am. You see posters, “I don’t just hope for miracles. I rely on them.” Well, increasingly, that’s the way I live, relying on miracles.
So I am praying for a miracle–that when the surgeon looks at the polyp on November 13th, it will have shrunk. That God will change the molecules of the polyp so that when they are biopsied again, they will prove not to be malignant. (He IS a molecular biologist. He changed the molecules of water to wine; of bread, so it fed five thousand.)
There are three types of surgery: snaring the polyp via endoscopy, but the team thinks it’s too large for that. There is keyhole surgery, which would remove it with minimal intervention. Or, horrors, removal of that section of the colon, which is what the nurse thinks might happen. NO, Jesus!!
And, of course, cancer is Mordor, the Land of Shadows and Darkness. There are other possibilities which I am refusing to contemplate until I have to.
So, if you are a person of ridiculous faith, please could you pray that the polyp will shrink, that God will change its molecules so that it is not malignant, and that it will be removed with minimal surgery.
* * *
The risk factors for colon cancer are red meat, a high fat diet, being overweight, and being sedentary. Readers, you can be jolly sure that I will not be eating red meat, will not be eating high fat, and will not be sedentary. Oh no, I will not! As for being overweight, if I can figure out what to do to shift my weight, I will. Oh yes, I will.
Fortunately, the things which minimise one’s risk of colon cancer—fruit, vegetables, bran, cruciferous vegetables, onions, are also things that are great for one’s health.
So if I get out of this shadow alive, I am jolly sure I will be a healthier girl. And if you could pray with me that the horror will be minimal, I will be so grateful!!
More from my site
In Which I Resolve Not to Be Afraid
On Cancer, Declining Chemotherapy, Healing, and Future Plans
Biggest Losers, Grace, and Silver Linings
You of Little Faith, Why are you so Afraid?
Is “ending those Muslims,” as Falwell advises, the way of Jesus? Aren’t there other ways?
In which the Kindly Light of Christ can Heal our Worst Memories
Prophecies about earthquakes and volcanoes in NZ are fairly “safe” prophecies if one is vague about timing and willing to wait long enough. He wouldn’t be appreciated around here though. Good on you for caling him out.
I guess the earthquakes came, though later than he had prophesied 🙂
Praying with ridiculous faith believing that God is good. Peace in Jesus’ name. Praising Him too.
Thanks so much, Barbara :-). Sure need prayer as I am feeling abnormally exhausted 🙂
Anita, I am one of your many silent readers, often encouraged by your posts when I read them, but rarely if ever letting you know. I pray now that the God of grace and second chances extends His grace to you in whatever way He knows best, and as you wait I pray:
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.
Deep peace of Christ,
of Christ the light of the world to you.
Deep peace of Christ to you.
Alastair, what a beautiful prayer. Thank you so much for it. And thank you for writing and letting me know that you’ve been reading, and been encouraged by my posts. That’s lovely to know 🙂 Blessings!
Bless you my dear, it as so good to have coffee with you today. Adam and I will be praying for you and if it is OK I’ll share with the Ash community so that you can be regulalry prayed for by the team.
Mich x
Michelle, thank you. I would be so grateful for your prayers.
Anita – my heart & thoughts & prayers are with you in this stormy season. As the waves rock you physically may the supernatural, super-powerful grace of Jesus strengthen your faith to stand & face what comes …with peace & the blessed assurance of God’s eternal love (even when pain muddles your mind & your freak-out-o-meter is like, totally fear streaked..) psalm 27:1&4
If it’s any consolation, my father had a major section of his colon removed in the 1970’s ( his mother died of colon cancer when he was 14.) After his surgery he drastically changed his eating habits (fiber one/bran cereal every day)…. & lived by God’s grace another 35+ years – a major chunk of that as a bedfast quad. Two years ago after a colonoscopy the doc wanted to use his colon pics as an example of what a healthy colon should look like …
The thing is, God helped heal him of that (with his active participation to eat right) – but he suffered tremendously in pain 24/7 with the spinal disorder that robbed his mobility. Still, God provided the grace to cope – each day, each hour – so much that most people forgot about his hospital bed after meeting with him. Miraculous joy lifted him to lift others.
God will do the same for you, Anita. We can’t, but God can…because HE is – in you, with you, around you..
Lots of grace, peace & prayers – Virginia
Bran flakes, here I come.
Don’t even say pain. I have an abnormally low pain threshold. Oh Jesus!! I hadn’t even thought of post-surgery pain never having had surgery 🙂
I enjoyed your way of processing the fear of possible cancer as you held on to the Word of God. Many times our main focus intent is on the Lord, but the difficulties and the storms that rage capture our attention. I pray that you keep the Word in your heart and rely totally on the Lord during this time of uncertainty. This poem expresses my prayer for you.
Life is fragile, handle with prayer.
When all seems impossible,
Our God will care.
He’ll lift all our burdens,
And send peace within,
To show us that only in Him
Will Life begin.
Thank you for saying “possible cancer.” Yes, it’s still just “highly suspicious” and there is another biopsy, so perhaps God will say “Peace be still” to the storm
Amen!
Elizabeth, thank you!!
Anita, my heart goes out to you! Praying that you are filled with God’s peace that passes all understanding. When I worked as a chaplain in Chicago, I had the privilege to come alongside of patients and their loved ones who were traveling down difficult paths in the hospital. I pray that you might know that God is truly holding your hand throughout. I pray that loving, caring friends and family might be there for you and your family, wherever your journey leads you.
Like you, I have struggled with my weight for years. (For me, it’s actually been decades.) I’m the youngest of six. Three of my older siblings are now diagnosed with adult onset diabetes. (That’s what one of my grandmothers dies from–complications from that disease.) I decided to reduce my sugar intake, as well as processed carbs–especially white flour. I started really watching what I ate at the beginning of July. It took almost three months for ANY weight to come off. Finally, the last week of September, the scale started to move. I still have the outline of my mother, aunts and grandmother, pear-shaped with heavy belly, derriere and thighs–that’s congenital. But now I have lost about 10 pounds. All off my upper body. But the weight has finally started to come off! Amen.
I will be praying for you to eat healthy foods and to be faithful to God’s loving heart for you and your family.
Oh, Anita-thank you for sharing your words and your thoughts and this hard thing. You have touched my life through your words, and yes! Praying for all of what you’ve asked and more. Much love from this small corner of he US.
Betsy, thank you 🙂
Have taken your prayer requests and will pray them before the throne to fill your golden bowl. I have been greatly blessed by your insightful and articulate blogs and my faith for your healing is a way of thanking you for all the encouragement you have given through your writing . Gill x
Gill! Thank you for praying for me.
Praying, Anita!
Thanks, Mari!
Praying for you,Anita. God bless you. I am asking Jesus to keep the fear at bay and for healing xx
Thank you, Veronica!
Oh, dear Anita,
I’m so sorry for this frightening prospect, and I understand your fears, Matt was diagnosed with Stage 3B colon cancer in March 2013 after his first colonoscopy, and he underwent major surgery to have a large portion of his colon removed. Thankfully, he did not require a colostomy, and he cheerfully made jokes about his semi-colon 🙂 After surgery, he had 6 months of chemotherapy, ending in October 2013. He still suffers with neuropathy in his feet, but most of the other side effects of chemo are gone, and his most recent CT scan and lab work don’t show any return of cancer. He’ll have regular CT scans and lab work until the end of 2018, and hopefully he will be declared “cancer free” at that time. His oncologist warned him that he MUST NOT gain weight (but he has). He travels frequently for business, and it’s difficult for him to exercise and eat a healthy diet when he’s away from home.
We paid for a phone consultation with a recommended nutritionist, and we learned that a low-carb, high protein diet was the best thing for Matt during his months of chemotherapy, and the nutritionist specifically recommended the South Beach Diet, with certain restrictions: No raw vegetables, no salad greens, and no fresh fruits that might harbor bacteria, like strawberries, raspberries and blackberries, since they are difficult to thoroughly clean. He advised Matt to fast from anything but proteins for 24 hours before chemo sessions, but to feast on sugars during chemo treatments, since cancer cells feed on sugars. Matt didn’t have an appetite for anything during his chemotherapy sessions, so he wasn’t inclined to sip the Ginger Ale I packed or to nibble M&M’s or cookies. His chemo treatments didn’t cause dramatic weight loss or hair loss, and his appearance never indicated he was being treated for cancer, other than his extreme sensitivity to cold foods, drinks and weather. My sweet guy shunned frozen treats, ice in his drinks, and he wore gloves, a jacket and a cap if the temperature dipped below 70°!
You, Roy and your girls are close to my heart in my prayer as you wait for results,
Daphne
Thanks so much for your kindness, Daphne. Chemo hasn’t been mentioned so far, and I am hopeful they can get the polyp out and there an end. The wheels move slowly—a second colonoscopy to plan how to remove the thing on Nov 13th, and then surgery on Nov. 25th, when I hope they’ll get the whole polyp out, with no need for chemo.
Medicine is socialised here (and free) so there are fewer interventions than in the US.