So Roy and I have been married for 25 years.
It’s customary to dispense advice on such occasions, but I have little to give.
The things that have worked for us have evolved slowly. And conversely, some advice from the marriage books—“Always go to the bed at the same time,” have wasted time.
* * *
Barbara Brown Taylor made famous the question, “What is saving your life right now?”
Well, here are some things that are saving our marriage.
1 Getting a weekly cleaner. Oh yes!
2 The weekly date. Or perhaps a walk together several times a week.
3 Deciding that throwing things is a very expensive way of resolving an argument.
4 Forgiveness. A mental act of balancing. I know Roy would do most things for me, within reason, and often without reason, and when I am very angry, I place that against my reason for rage!!
I remember that I have committed to love him, and that my discipleship of Christ isn’t worth much, if I can’t love the person who loves me most.
5 Travel. Ah, travel! Travel saves our marriage (a FACT hotly disputed by my other half!)
It gives us time to be together, to see new art and architecture, to experience history, to revel in nature, to eat new foods, and laugh at (and with) new people.
It’s time out that we’d be unlikely to take at home, given our busy-bee, workaholic driven natures.
Travel is a major source of happiness, as is our garden.
6 Learning that not every criticism needs to be voiced. I now quietly think, “My, isn’t he being annoying!!” For perhaps the first twenty years, I’d declare, “Roy, you are being very annoying!” Now I roll my eyes, and return to work.
Okay, I guess most people learnt this in kindergarten, but in many ways, I am a late developer!
In fact, much of this probably sounds so blindingly obvious to any mature adult that if you stop reading right now, I’ll forgive you!
7 Me, I increasingly do life by prayer, but for years I omitted to pray faithfully for Roy, and I often still forget. Mea Culpa, and I repent.
8 When our partner felt far too infuriating for any rational adult to endure, we got help, separately, and together, from some superb Christians. We are specially grateful to our dear friend Paul Miller, author of the excellent A Praying Life for discipling us over five years.
* * *
When Ruth, spunky wife of Billy Graham, was asked if she had ever contemplated divorce, she famously said, ‘Divorce? No! Murder? Yes.’
Divorce wasn’t an option for us, either. Ah, we’ve sat in exhaustion, sighed, and said brightly, “Let’s–get–divorced!!” and grinned happily and, in that instant, it seemed as if with that act all our problems would waft away, especially what seemed like our biggest problem: each other.
But then Roy remembered that I probably would get lost on the way to the grocery store or burn my dinner, and I thought he would let the house get SO messy and lose everything in it, while he played chess all day, and he thought I would be crushed by life’s practicalities, and I thought he would get too sad without me and live on oatmeal.
And so we checked the name of our marriage certificates, discovered that apparently we were married to the right person, and so we continued.
And our marriage has got better year after year.
And so it should, so it should, for Christians, who if they are half-way, quarter-way decent at following Christ should be growing each year in mercy, pity, peace and love.
***
At our wedding, the celebrant outlined all we had going for us. We were highly educated, with Oxbridge undergraduate degrees and US advanced degrees, intelligent enough, young, healthy, with at least one profession between us.
But we had liabilities too: intensity; type-A personalities; drivenness; hot, hot tempers… In many ways, we were too like each other.
We’ve had adventures. Married in Binghamton, NY; a year in Cornell, Ithaca, New York for a post-doc for Roy; another year at Stanford, Palo Alto, California another post-doc; and then two years in Minneapolis, Minnesota yet another post-doc; then 12 years at The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Virginia where Roy became a professor of mathematics, and then Roy won a prestigious mathematical prize and the world opened up, and there were job offers, and he was a visiting professor at the University of Manchester, and then at Oxford, and then got a chair at the University of Birmingham.
And I wrote, moving from poetry to prose, and then improbably started a business which within 3 years grew too big and too complex for me to run alone.
“20 years is far too long to be a mathematician.” I said, and Roy frowned.
Nah, I never saw the point of maths, just as he never saw the point of poetry…
And Roy quit maths to run the company I founded, morphing from a mathematician to an entrepreneur—something I can definitely see the point of!!–and I morphed from a poet to a memoirist and a blogger, writing about us on the world wide web, no doubt much to Roy’s embarrassment.
Our hair was black; now, there are shades of grey.
We were barely Christian; now we are thoroughly Christian. Yeah, we’ve come a long way, baby!
We’ve had two daughters, Zoe and Irene, happy and clever.
We’ve owned three homes in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Williamburg, Virginia, and Oxford, England (not at the same time).
We’ve had five dogs in the course of our marriage, all from rescues, except our current adorable, but not yet fully-trained Merry the Labradoodle.
We’ve travelled in so many countries. Too many to count, and we can’t, since we don’t know where our old passports are. (We’ve each changed citizenship three times, India-US-UK for me, and NZ-US-UK for Roy.) But let me try: Israel, Japan, Mexico, Costa Rica, New Zealand, Czech Republic, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Holland, Greece, Spain, Italy, France, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Malta, Luxembourg, oh most European countries…
Too much travel. Probably!
* * *
Marriage is a place of belonging and acceptance. It can also be a purifying fire, a place of rapid growing up, of growth in grace, in mercy, in forgiveness and wisdom
And what comes out of the purifying fire?
Eventually gold refined until impurities vanish.
The gold of a long marriage.
* * *
Sometimes at the end of a marathon, while the completers are savouring their iced lemonade and smuggery, and the cheers have almost died down, you see a couple emerging from the mist, arms draped around each other, staggering towards the finish line.
There they are, they have done it, they have limped their marathon, they have hobbled, but they have completed it.
And here they are, ridiculously grinning, so pleased with themselves, quite oblivious of the fact that others have long finished and are now napping at home.
And that too is success of the kind. The success of persisting.
Ah, see them now, the big smile on their faces. Against the odds they’ve finished that race, they’ve kept the faith, they are ready for the next marathon.
So Happy Twenty-fifth Anniversary, Roy. Happy Twenty-fifty Anniversary Me. Happy Twenty-fifty anniversary, Us.
* * *
Tweetables
What’s saving your marriage right now? Thoughts on my 25th wedding anniversary from @anitamathias1
Lessons learned from 25 years of marriage from @anitamathias1
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Anita Mathias says
Thank you, Miss Lorretta, and I agree!
Congratulations to you!!
Lorretta says
I heartily amen it all! Having spent 25 years in the Big Wide World of Marriage myself now, your bits of wisdom and truth abound. And if there was ever any advice to offer to another– a bit of tricky secret wisdom we could share, I think we’d both agree: the “secret” is that there is no secret to it. Life together is simply chosen. Bless you Anita and congratulations!
Anita Mathias says
Thanks much, Fran!!
I love that quote too, its irreverent humour!
Fran says
Even if you have had 25 years, you seem to have packed a lot in! Well done for seeing it through thus far, and I enjoyed your post very much, Anita. I love the quote from Billy Graham’s wife!
Allie says
Dear Anita
You and Roy look like you have barely changed, your daughters are gorgeous and Merry is impossibly cute!
Will pray for your health concerns, I KNOW Jesus will see you through
hugs
Allie xx
Anita Mathias says
Allie! Thank you so much for kind words, and for your prayers 🙂 Love, Anita xx
Anita Mathias says
Yeah. I still feel quite young, you know…
Lilly Vasanthini says
Congratulations Anita.. Absolutely wonderful log.. And to think how time flies
Mollie Lyon says
This post made me smile, largely. My favorite kind of love, long lasting married love, at least on this earth. Of course, the favorite is what holds us together, the love of Christ. That is why marriage is a great metaphor for the Church and Jesus.
Anita Mathias says
Thanks Mollie 🙂
Traci@tracesoffaith says
I thoroughly enjoyed this. What a walk down memory lane! And congratulations.
Anita Mathias says
Thanks, Traci!
Rajagopal says
Hi Anita , It has been a while since my last visit to yours ( even though I have been receiving your wonderful mails and reading some of them , if not all ) as there were just too many things on my plate . I am at the fag end of an extended term of my corporate career ; will be hanging up boots by end next month and relocating from Mumbai to Cochin , my permanent abode ( in a temporal sense , of course ) , to relax into , at least so I would like to think now , a life of management consultancy and advisory services , with some community work adding up .
I am , indeed , happy to be writing this mail as your hubby and you are in the midst of your silver wedding ann… you have kept the faith and run the distance , and here is wishing that you both stay the course to happily traverse the remainder….
best wishes
rajagopal
Anita Mathias says
Thank you, Rajagopal! 🙂
Rhoda says
Happy Anniversary!! I loved reading that, and especially the bit where you said that trying to go to bed at the same time only wasted time, and him getting sad without you and living on oatmeal lol! You are a great family and your daughters are clearly fruit from that, plus a lot more besides 🙂
Anita Mathias says
Aw, thanks Rhoda!! 🙂
Maria Elena Campbell says
Dear Anita,
Happy Annniversay! You made me chuckle and laugh with your story, I could see myself in some of it. How wonderful to learn to love God’s way; Unconditiolly, starting with our partners and everybody else, there’s no other way!
I’ve also read some of your other blogs just now and because of them I have a big smile on my face.
Have a fantastic day full of joy and peace,
Maria Elena
Anita Mathias says
Aw, thanks Maria Elena!
mari howard says
Gosh what a road you have travelled together, how many hills & valleys. Wishing you many more happy and tolerant years. And praying for the medical stuff.
Anita Mathias says
Thanks, Mari!