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Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

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I don’t have time to maintain these regrets  

By Anita Mathias

Gaudi mosaic

My daughter Zoe introduced me to this song by John Mark Macmillan: I don’t have time to maintain these regrets

I am a memoirist (and also a restless, tiptoes person full of hope for the future).

However examination of the past is rarely without regret.

If only. I wish I had

But that’s it!! No more looking back in sorrow.

Love’s like a hurricane, and I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

I don’t have time to maintain all these regrets

When I think about how he loves us.

* * *

Besides, the past is never past (as Faulkner famously said). It is the introduction of an ongoing story. Its reverberations continue through space–time; beauty can still emerge from  disasters.

Glorious mosaics are fashioned from shards of shattered glass.

2000 year old seeds have been germinated.

Entire towns in Yorkshire or Wales are built of stone plundered from destroyed monasteries, like Rievaulx or Tintern Abbey.

God can build castles out of the glorious ruins of the past.

He can use the ancient smashed goblets to make stained glass or kintsugi.

 

Tea bowl with #kintsugi

I truly believe it. We can write off no experience as wasted because we do not yet know what God will make of it.

So Martha faced with the stench of her brother Lazarus, dead four days, tells Jesus, “Even now, God will give you whatever you ask.”

Even now, God can somehow combine all the things I am tempted to regret: anger, self-pity, unforgiveness, fear, sloth—into art which lives.

Even now, God can combine hazy memories, half-read books, broken friendships and wasted days into art that is different, new and shimmering, an iridescent morpho butterfly shimmying from a drab chrysalis.

* * *

And so I will not give way to regret. Because I have a very clever Redeemer.

All the sadness, the mistakes, the sins, the waste of the past have made me who I am: a woman who is, today, the Beloved of God. (As I always was, always was, even when I didn’t feel it in my bones, as I do now.)

The novelist and essayist Cynthia Ozick says she read 18 hours a day when she was training to be a writer. Joyce Carol Oates has published over 50 novels, 30 volumes of short stories, and 52 volumes of children’s stories, poetry, young adult fiction, essays, memoir and drama. She writes from 8 to 1 in the morning, from 4 to 7 in the evening, and then reads or writes at night. (John Updike had a similar schedule).

I read this, and inwardly writhe. As a writer, I wish I had read more, and wish I had written more.

When I was younger, I wanted to write like Salman Rushdie, or Vladimir Nabokov or Laurie Lee or William Faulkner or Toni Morrison. I haven’t read as much as they, or practiced as much as they have.

And so my thoughts and sentences may never have the depth and richness of one who has single-mindedly trained her mind and pen.

But, no longer trying to imitate the singing-masters of my soul, I now write simply and transparently, pages which can be grasped at the first reading. I write differently, and for a different audience.

But it is the audience God had prepared for me to speak to before the beginning of time, before the Big Bang, before Planet Earth spun into being, before the dinosaurs prowled the earth, before the saber-toothed tigers.

* * *

The race is not to the swiftest, nor favour indeed to the wise, nor riches to men of understanding, but time and change happen to them all. (Ecc. 9:11).

And that is most true when it comes to creativity!

I love Solomon’s observation, and often pray for luck—being neither as swift, nor as wise, nor as understanding as I could be.

But creativity is like the wind which blows, and we cannot see where it comes from or where it goes. The best read do not produce the best writing, which speaks to the most people. Those most diligent in practicing their craft do not necessarily produce art which changes lives, which makes the world happier.

Creativity is the art of combining—things you’ve read, and things you’ve done, and things you’ve thought and felt and heard, and all those 10,000 hours of practice to make something entirely new. And the value is in the combination, not in the raw materials.

Look at Gaudi’s mosaics….

Art is the spark from stoniest flint that sings in the dark and cold, I’m light.

Mosaic from the Mausoleum of Galla Placidia (Ravenna)

 

So what I am going to do as a writer is to put it all into His hands–everything I’ve read and heard and thought and felt and experienced–and ask him to make of it an entirely new thing:

Such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make

Of hammered gold and gold enameling

To keep a drowsy Emperor awake;

Or set upon a golden bough to sing

To lords and ladies of Byzantium

Of what is past, or passing 

 

More from my site

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  • The Life-Changing Practice of MeditationThe Life-Changing Practice of Meditation
  • Keeping our Small Boat Afloat: Thoughts on Redemption, Giving up Regret, and my Thirty Year MarriageKeeping our Small Boat Afloat: Thoughts on Redemption, Giving up Regret, and my Thirty Year Marriage
  • For our griefs, failures, tears, Christ’s desire is “Let nothing, nothing be wasted”For our griefs, failures, tears, Christ’s desire is “Let nothing, nothing be wasted”
  • On Breaking the 22 Minute Mile, and Stumbling on HappinessOn Breaking the 22 Minute Mile, and Stumbling on Happiness
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Filed Under: In which I am Amazed by Grace, In which I explore writing and blogging and creativity Tagged With: Creativity, redemption

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Comments

  1. Ava Sophie says

    August 15, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Hi! I am visiting from Coffee for your heart. I don’t really know what to write to you, because I was overwhelmed by what you wrote here. I enjoyed reading and it meant a lot to me, you’ve mentioned so much here that touched my heart. I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just share with you my favorite sentence and what feeling I am left with after reading this.

    “God can build castles out of the glorious ruins of the past.(…)We can write off no experience as wasted because we do not yet know what God will make of it.”

    It seem like God has poured out some of his wisdom through your words. God bless you.
    I sit back with a feeling of peace and gratefulness.

    -Ava Sophie

    • Anita Mathias says

      August 15, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      Oh Ava, thank you so much for reading, and for your very kind comment.

  2. Trudy says

    August 8, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    This moved me to tears, Anita. I’m struggling right now with my place as a writer and what exactly God wants me to do. Sometimes I, too, feel led to as you write – “no longer trying to imitate the singing-masters of my soul, I now write simply and transparently.” I far too often compare myself with other writers and fall short, but I’m trying to remember God has His own place for each of us. Thank you for reminding me God still builds castles out of glorious ruins.

    • Anita Mathias says

      August 8, 2014 at 9:21 pm

      Trudy, I am so glad you like my post 🙂

  3. Krista says

    August 4, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Linking up next to you at Bonnie’s and I’m so glad I did! 🙂
    What a beautiful piece of encouragement!
    The artwork is amazing!

    Blessings,
    Krista

    • Anita Mathias says

      August 4, 2014 at 6:49 pm

      Thanks, Krista. So glad you liked it!

  4. Joy Lenton says

    August 2, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Anita, this is such a freeing and encouraging post for all writers/poets/creatives! So many mourn their lack of time, health, energy and experience as they set about the task of creating something of lasting beauty for His glory. But it is heartening to know that we offer God our seemingly ‘little’ and ‘not enough’ in our eyes and He makes much of it. I love these lines in particular:”Even now, God can combine hazy memories, half-read books, broken friendships and wasted days into art that is different, new and shimmering, an iridescent morpho butterfly shimmying from a drab chrysalis.” Yes, He can! All is redeemable, able to be restored, renewed and refined in the Potter’s hands. Thank you for a glorious reminder. I needed to hear this today. 🙂 x

    • Anita Mathias says

      August 3, 2014 at 9:33 am

      Joy, thank you for visiting and for your encouragement!

  5. Lilly Vasanthini says

    July 30, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    I missed reading your writings for the past ten days .. Was on the Santiago Compostela and just back on Saturday.. This was so beautiful to read. And reading about Martha… And to think about the way she transformed… “To I beleive “.. Thank you Anita

    • Anita Mathias says

      July 30, 2014 at 11:03 pm

      Wow, I would love to do the Santiago Compostela. Did you walk the whole thing? How many miles?
      Thank you for reading!

  6. Don says

    July 30, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    I don’t read nearly as much as I used to. It seems that, these days, I only have patience to read snippets of things. Perhaps that’s a consequence of my sense of being rushed, as well as having too much access to everything extant on the Web. I suspect that I am not the only one with this problem. Ironically, although it’s now technically more convenient than ever to broadcast millions of words, we seem to be returning back to the brevity forced upon ancient tellers of parables. And so, I think your ability to write in such a clear and compelling way in a short space is fitting for this era.

    Frequently your writings here instantly convey the heart of God to me. Again today I needed to be reminded of his love, as expressed in his ability to make something new out of what I have wrecked. Thank you!

    • Anita Mathias says

      July 30, 2014 at 11:02 pm

      “Frequently your writings here instantly convey the heart of God to me.” Wow, thank you so much. That’s the sweetest compliment.
      I have a book called “The Shallows” about how the internet has changed our brain, and our capacity for concentration. Fittingly, I’ve just skim-read it.

  7. Gail Daniels says

    July 29, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Thank you for teaching me about kintsugi. I had never heard of it before and it is beautiful.

    God bless
    Gail

    • Anita Mathias says

      July 29, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Thanks, Gail! Blessings, Anita

  8. Anita Mathias says

    July 29, 2014 at 7:37 am

    LA, Welcome back. You’ve started reading me in 2011/12 when I had just left a toxic Charismatic church situation, and joined an Evangelical church, and was re-examining everything I believed on everything controversial!! I am now more settled, and mainly exploring Christ, and the mysteries of God’s love of us… More contemplating with wonder than with a zillion questions (in this season). …
    Thanks for commenting.

  9. LA says

    July 28, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    A prodigal daughter returns! I knew my schedule would permit me more time this summer! And what a nice entry to come back to! When reexamining my past, I tend to say “Next time I’ll…” rather than “I wished I had…” it creates a nice balance between examining the past yet looking towards the future. Great post and I’m looking forward to reading more!

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Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

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The Story of Dirk Willems

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Recent Posts

  •  On Not Wasting a Desert Experience
  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
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  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
  • “An Autobiography in Five Chapters” and Avoiding Habitual Holes  
  • Shining Faith in Action: Dirk Willems on the Ice
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Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance
Barak Obama

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H Is for Hawk
Helen MacDonald

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Tiny Habits
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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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