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The Benefits of Optimism (and how Venting Anger makes you Feel Worse)

By Anita Mathias

Silver lining

I have been ruminating on positive thinking, and on particular, on whether it is better to express anger (vent!) or not, and so loved this article in The Atlantic by Emily Esfahani Smith: The Benefits of Optimism are Real.

Here are a few ideas from the article

1 “Having a positive outlook in difficult circumstances is not only an important predictor of resilience — how quickly people recover from adversity — but it is the most important predictor of it. People who are resilient tend to be more positive and optimistic compared to less-resilient folks; they are better able to regulate their emotions; and they are able to maintain their optimism through the most trying circumstances.”

2 Dwelling on anger and anxiety makes you feel worse

“For many years, psychologists, following Freud, thought that people simply needed to express their anger and anxiety — blow off some steam — to be happier. But this is wrong. Researchers, for example, asked people who were mildly-to-moderately depressed to dwell on their depression for eight minutes. The researchers found that such ruminating caused the depressed people to become significantly more depressed and for a longer period of time than people who simply distracted themselves thinking about something else. Senseless suffering — suffering that lacks a silver lining — viciously leads to more depression.”

3 Venting makes you feel worse

Counter-intuitively, another study found that facing down adversity by venting — hitting a punching bag or being vengeful toward someone who makes you angry — actually leads to people feeling far worse, not better. Actually, doing nothing at all in response to anger was more effective than expressing the anger in these destructive ways.

4 In another study, those who try to find meaning from trauma grow wiser, and experienced better health than those who simply vent about it. The stories people told themselves as they searched for a silver lining healed them.

5 Positive people are more resilient physically and emotionally. They a “revealed more happiness, interest, and eagerness” toward  solving their worst problems.

“When your mind starts soaring, you notice more and more positive things. This unleashes an upward spiral of positive emotions that opens people up to new ways of thinking and seeing the world — to new ways forward. This is yet another reason why positive people are resilient. They see opportunities that negative people don’t. Negativity, for adaptive reasons, puts you in defense mode, narrows your field of vision, and shuts you off to new possibilities since they’re seen as risks.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • In which I am Learning to Master AngerIn which I am Learning to Master Anger
  • Habakkuk: An Old Testament Prophet Moves from Questions and Anger to PeaceHabakkuk: An Old Testament Prophet Moves from Questions and Anger to Peace
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Filed Under: random Tagged With: anger, Positive thinking, resilience, silver lining, venting

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Comments

  1. LA says

    March 22, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    So what about Jesus’ display in the temple with the money changers? I firmly believe that sometimes it is beneficial for people to see you angry about things.

    There was a movement afoot not terribly long ago in parenting circles to never show or be “angry” with your kids. I have had the products of that parenting sale in m classrooms and I can tell you the word “exasperating” doesn’t even come close.

    For better or worse, our brains are programmed to respond best to certain things. We will continue an offensive behavior unless we get a negative reaction to it. (Arguably there are some that will still continue the behavior even after the negative effect, but those are complex situations.)

    I am a believer of appropriate, well-delivered anger about things. Conflict resolution experts agree that empathy for a situation is only achievable if the empathizer can “see” signs of the empathizee’s feelings and emotions. Burying conflict by ignoring it and focusing on the positive leads to more explosive situations.

    Rather than a silver lining, I try to focus on what I’m meant to learn from each happenstance. There is something to learn in all occurrences, both positive and negative. And each opportunity to learn is a good thing even if what I’m learning is a tough lesson. For me, the act of learning to be a better person is the positive silver lining in every dark cloud.

    • LA says

      March 22, 2013 at 1:42 pm

      “Products of parenting *style* in my classroom”. Sorry about that, sometimes my iPad tries to guess what I meant and my keypad is notorious for not catching all the letters.

    • Anita Mathias says

      March 22, 2013 at 2:33 pm

      “Burying conflict by ignoring it and focusing on the positive leads to more explosive situations.” That’s true.
      Sometimes though both Roy or I could do something (out of selfishness or passive aggression) that makes the other one helplessly, hopelessly angry.
      And anger can be a whirlpool or wildfire that sucks you in.
      So once one has expressed one’s resentment or anger, and vented, I find distraction is a better technique– and realizing that one has married an imperfect sinner, that he or she will always be an imperfect sinner, that change is very difficult and happens very slowly (when it does) so it is more constructive to accept that you have married an imperfect person who has messed up rather than to fume about his or her imperfections!! 🙂

  2. Ruth Williams says

    March 21, 2013 at 12:39 am

    Wonderful post. It really is true that a positive attitude helps you soldier through so many hard things. Loved it so much, I re-tweeted it. Thanks for the uplift!

    • Anita Mathias says

      March 21, 2013 at 9:38 pm

      Thanks, Ruth. I truly believe it!

  3. Marcy says

    March 19, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    I remain unconvinced that optimism is something that can be chosen. One reaches for it as best as one can — but at times it’s just too far away, too impossible, too unbelievable. I think acceptance is a slightly more realistic goal — to accept, for instance, that optimism seems too lofty at the moment, to accept fears, unfulfilled desires, anger, judgment, etc — not to condone, but to accept that, well, there it is.

    I also remain unconvinced by those studies on depression and anger. Simply dwelling on depression is pretty silly — one needs more direction. Simple distraction can work for momentary circumstantial blues, but does nothing to resolve any underlying issues. To really work on anything substantial usually means it gets “worse” before it gets “better” — things get messy, feelings can plummet further, etc — part of the process.

    As for expressing anger? I think it has to do mostly with the goal or intention. If the goal is to feed the anger, venting will do that. If the goal is to shed the anger, venting can do that, too. Trying to pretend you’re not angry, trying to stop being angry, won’t do any good at all. Reminding yourself of all you’ve been forgiven, seeking the broader perspective, remembering that you don’t know everything about the situation — can help diffuse and allay anger. Much more effectively than distraction or denial.

    You might appreciate Fr. John’s sermon on anger — seems a bit closer to your perspective than mine. Here’s my response including a link to the original sermon: Anger

    Maybe it’s true that happiness is something that can be pursued, and nothing wrong with that. But I agree with Tracey that too often the pressure to pretend wins.

    • Anita Mathias says

      March 21, 2013 at 9:41 pm

      Thanks Marcy. And oddly, I agree with you.
      I guess I did take a simplistic approach to complex things.
      As I said, I am personally converting from “it’s best to express anger,” to “it’s often best to express anger to God” because expressed anger is like wildfire, it feeds itself, it spreads, it causes unintended damage. Also, we are instinctively story-tellers, and when we feed and express anger, we shape stories to justify it, and the stories may not necessarily be true, but may make us angrier!

      • Marcy says

        March 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm

        I guess I’d say “It’s best to express anger to a carefully chosen listener, with a heart toward diffusing and releasing it, looking for God’s perspective” — but that’s a lot wordier!!

  4. Tracey Grimes says

    March 19, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    i hear this kind of stuff from time to time, but my response is usually – is “feeling happy” really the goal?? i see far too much of this ‘pretend to be happy’ crap going on in churches…..i see people who are desperately unhappy who are struggling terribly, but they know that “good christians” don’t say negative stuff so they bury their feelings and paste on a fake smile………and churches become buildings full of phonies…..it is the truth that will set free, we gotta get over this fakeness

    • Anita Mathias says

      March 19, 2013 at 3:26 pm

      Hmm, every day and every life has good and bad things in it–and every person. So positive thinking is considering the good things, rather than dwelling on the bad. It’s not pretending to be happy, it’s choosing to focus on the light and good.
      I guess I definitely want to be happy–and am happy!!–and want my family and friends to be happy too.

    • Don says

      March 20, 2013 at 8:07 pm

      Yes, there’s absolutely no good in pretending. I once heard a woman on a religious channel say that for Christians there is no need to feel grief. She said that when her husband died she hadn’t needed to grieve at all. Needless to say, I think that view is terribly hurtful and unhealthy. If I am struggling, I need to go to God with my concerns and seek help from others who won’t judge and who are able to minister to me with the Lord’s compassion. Speaking from my own experience, God can and does help. “He has born our grief and carried our sorrows”, and we can be sure that Jesus loves us and is powerful enough to bring us through into joy. On the other hand, often our negative emotions can be a result of our unhealthy thoughts. With God’s help, we can give up the lies we believe and receive instead the truth spoken by Jesus, which is full of hope and joy.

      • Anita Mathias says

        March 21, 2013 at 9:48 pm

        ” If I am struggling, I need to go to God with my concerns and seek help from others who won’t judge and who are able to minister to me with the Lord’s compassion. Speaking from my own experience, God can and does help.” YES
        Yes, I wasn’t recommending pretending, of course, but recognizing that God might be weaving a good story even if we can’t see it. And recognising the silver lining in most situations. And I kind of like the philosophy of giving thanks in all circumstances.

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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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