I have been ruminating on positive thinking, and on particular, on whether it is better to express anger (vent!) or not, and so loved this article in The Atlantic by Emily Esfahani Smith: The Benefits of Optimism are Real.
Here are a few ideas from the article
1 “Having a positive outlook in difficult circumstances is not only an important predictor of resilience — how quickly people recover from adversity — but it is the most important predictor of it. People who are resilient tend to be more positive and optimistic compared to less-resilient folks; they are better able to regulate their emotions; and they are able to maintain their optimism through the most trying circumstances.”
2 Dwelling on anger and anxiety makes you feel worse
“For many years, psychologists, following Freud, thought that people simply needed to express their anger and anxiety — blow off some steam — to be happier. But this is wrong. Researchers, for example, asked people who were mildly-to-moderately depressed to dwell on their depression for eight minutes. The researchers found that such ruminating caused the depressed people to become significantly more depressed and for a longer period of time than people who simply distracted themselves thinking about something else. Senseless suffering — suffering that lacks a silver lining — viciously leads to more depression.”
3 Venting makes you feel worse
Counter-intuitively, another study found that facing down adversity by venting — hitting a punching bag or being vengeful toward someone who makes you angry — actually leads to people feeling far worse, not better. Actually, doing nothing at all in response to anger was more effective than expressing the anger in these destructive ways.
4 In another study, those who try to find meaning from trauma grow wiser, and experienced better health than those who simply vent about it. The stories people told themselves as they searched for a silver lining healed them.
5 Positive people are more resilient physically and emotionally. They a “revealed more happiness, interest, and eagerness” toward solving their worst problems.
“When your mind starts soaring, you notice more and more positive things. This unleashes an upward spiral of positive emotions that opens people up to new ways of thinking and seeing the world — to new ways forward. This is yet another reason why positive people are resilient. They see opportunities that negative people don’t. Negativity, for adaptive reasons, puts you in defense mode, narrows your field of vision, and shuts you off to new possibilities since they’re seen as risks.”
So what about Jesus’ display in the temple with the money changers? I firmly believe that sometimes it is beneficial for people to see you angry about things.
There was a movement afoot not terribly long ago in parenting circles to never show or be “angry” with your kids. I have had the products of that parenting sale in m classrooms and I can tell you the word “exasperating” doesn’t even come close.
For better or worse, our brains are programmed to respond best to certain things. We will continue an offensive behavior unless we get a negative reaction to it. (Arguably there are some that will still continue the behavior even after the negative effect, but those are complex situations.)
I am a believer of appropriate, well-delivered anger about things. Conflict resolution experts agree that empathy for a situation is only achievable if the empathizer can “see” signs of the empathizee’s feelings and emotions. Burying conflict by ignoring it and focusing on the positive leads to more explosive situations.
Rather than a silver lining, I try to focus on what I’m meant to learn from each happenstance. There is something to learn in all occurrences, both positive and negative. And each opportunity to learn is a good thing even if what I’m learning is a tough lesson. For me, the act of learning to be a better person is the positive silver lining in every dark cloud.
“Products of parenting *style* in my classroom”. Sorry about that, sometimes my iPad tries to guess what I meant and my keypad is notorious for not catching all the letters.
“Burying conflict by ignoring it and focusing on the positive leads to more explosive situations.” That’s true.
Sometimes though both Roy or I could do something (out of selfishness or passive aggression) that makes the other one helplessly, hopelessly angry.
And anger can be a whirlpool or wildfire that sucks you in.
So once one has expressed one’s resentment or anger, and vented, I find distraction is a better technique– and realizing that one has married an imperfect sinner, that he or she will always be an imperfect sinner, that change is very difficult and happens very slowly (when it does) so it is more constructive to accept that you have married an imperfect person who has messed up rather than to fume about his or her imperfections!! 🙂
Wonderful post. It really is true that a positive attitude helps you soldier through so many hard things. Loved it so much, I re-tweeted it. Thanks for the uplift!
Thanks, Ruth. I truly believe it!
I remain unconvinced that optimism is something that can be chosen. One reaches for it as best as one can — but at times it’s just too far away, too impossible, too unbelievable. I think acceptance is a slightly more realistic goal — to accept, for instance, that optimism seems too lofty at the moment, to accept fears, unfulfilled desires, anger, judgment, etc — not to condone, but to accept that, well, there it is.
I also remain unconvinced by those studies on depression and anger. Simply dwelling on depression is pretty silly — one needs more direction. Simple distraction can work for momentary circumstantial blues, but does nothing to resolve any underlying issues. To really work on anything substantial usually means it gets “worse” before it gets “better” — things get messy, feelings can plummet further, etc — part of the process.
As for expressing anger? I think it has to do mostly with the goal or intention. If the goal is to feed the anger, venting will do that. If the goal is to shed the anger, venting can do that, too. Trying to pretend you’re not angry, trying to stop being angry, won’t do any good at all. Reminding yourself of all you’ve been forgiven, seeking the broader perspective, remembering that you don’t know everything about the situation — can help diffuse and allay anger. Much more effectively than distraction or denial.
You might appreciate Fr. John’s sermon on anger — seems a bit closer to your perspective than mine. Here’s my response including a link to the original sermon: Anger
Maybe it’s true that happiness is something that can be pursued, and nothing wrong with that. But I agree with Tracey that too often the pressure to pretend wins.
Thanks Marcy. And oddly, I agree with you.
I guess I did take a simplistic approach to complex things.
As I said, I am personally converting from “it’s best to express anger,” to “it’s often best to express anger to God” because expressed anger is like wildfire, it feeds itself, it spreads, it causes unintended damage. Also, we are instinctively story-tellers, and when we feed and express anger, we shape stories to justify it, and the stories may not necessarily be true, but may make us angrier!
I guess I’d say “It’s best to express anger to a carefully chosen listener, with a heart toward diffusing and releasing it, looking for God’s perspective” — but that’s a lot wordier!!
i hear this kind of stuff from time to time, but my response is usually – is “feeling happy” really the goal?? i see far too much of this ‘pretend to be happy’ crap going on in churches…..i see people who are desperately unhappy who are struggling terribly, but they know that “good christians” don’t say negative stuff so they bury their feelings and paste on a fake smile………and churches become buildings full of phonies…..it is the truth that will set free, we gotta get over this fakeness
Hmm, every day and every life has good and bad things in it–and every person. So positive thinking is considering the good things, rather than dwelling on the bad. It’s not pretending to be happy, it’s choosing to focus on the light and good.
I guess I definitely want to be happy–and am happy!!–and want my family and friends to be happy too.
Yes, there’s absolutely no good in pretending. I once heard a woman on a religious channel say that for Christians there is no need to feel grief. She said that when her husband died she hadn’t needed to grieve at all. Needless to say, I think that view is terribly hurtful and unhealthy. If I am struggling, I need to go to God with my concerns and seek help from others who won’t judge and who are able to minister to me with the Lord’s compassion. Speaking from my own experience, God can and does help. “He has born our grief and carried our sorrows”, and we can be sure that Jesus loves us and is powerful enough to bring us through into joy. On the other hand, often our negative emotions can be a result of our unhealthy thoughts. With God’s help, we can give up the lies we believe and receive instead the truth spoken by Jesus, which is full of hope and joy.
” If I am struggling, I need to go to God with my concerns and seek help from others who won’t judge and who are able to minister to me with the Lord’s compassion. Speaking from my own experience, God can and does help.” YES
Yes, I wasn’t recommending pretending, of course, but recognizing that God might be weaving a good story even if we can’t see it. And recognising the silver lining in most situations. And I kind of like the philosophy of giving thanks in all circumstances.