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The Parable of the Bridge or “When to Say No to Insistent People”

By Anita Mathias

Dante and Beatrice, by Henry Holiday

Dante and Beatrice, by Henry Holiday

I once co-led a slightly dysfunctional women’s group which studied The Emotionally Healthy Church by Pete Scazzero recommended to us by an emotionally unhealthy woman leading women’s ministries and the study ended in emotionally unhealthy tears and trauma.

And so, I did not finish reading the book, but this story lingers in my memory.

Rabbi Edwin Friedman tells the story of a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. After trying many things, succeeding at some and failing at others, he finally decided what he wanted.

One day the opportunity came for him to experience exactly the way of living that he had dreamed about. But the opportunity would be available only for a short time. It would not wait, and it would not come again.

Eager to take advantage of this open pathway, the man started on his journey. With each step, he moved faster and faster. Each time he thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; and with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor.

As he hurried along, he came to a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. The bridge spanned high above a dangerous river.

After starting across the bridge, he noticed someone coming the opposite direction. The stranger seemed to be coming toward him to greet him. As the stranger grew closer, the man could discern that they didn’t know each other, but yet they looked amazingly similar. They were even dressed alike. The only difference was that the stranger had a rope wrapped many times around his waist. If stretched out, the rope would reach a length of perhaps thirty feet.

The stranger began to unwrap the rope as he walked. Just as the two men were about to meet, the stranger said, “Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end of the rope for me?”
The man agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

“Thank you,” said the stranger. He then added, “Two hands now, and remember, hold tight.” At that point, the stranger jumped off the bridge.

The man on the bridge abruptly felt a strong pull from the now-extended rope. He automatically held tight and was almost dragged over the side of the bridge.

“What are you trying to do?” he shouted to the stranger below.

“Just hold tight,” said the stranger.

This is ridiculous, the man thought. He began trying to haul the other man in. Yet it was just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

Again he yelled over the edge, “Why did you do this?”

“Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.”

“But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried.

“I am your responsibility,” said the other.

“I did not ask for it,” the man said.

“If you let go, I am lost,” repeated the stranger.

The man began to look around for help. No one was within sight.

He began to think about his predicament. Here he was eagerly pursuing a unique opportunity, and now he was being sidetracked for who knows how long.

Maybe I can tie the rope somewhere, he thought. He examined the bridge carefully, but there was no way to get rid of his new found burden.

So he again yelled over the edge, “What do you want?”

“Just your help,” came the answer.

“How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope while I find someone else who could help you.”

“Just keep hanging on,” replied the dangling man. “That will be enough.”

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.
“Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see who you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?”

“Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.”

Now the man was perplexed. He reasoned within himself, If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other man die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever.

As time went by, still no one came. The man became keenly aware that it was almost too late to resume his journey. If he didn’t leave immediately, he wouldn’t arrive in time.

Finally, he devised a plan. “Listen,” he explained to the man hanging below, “I think I know how to save you.” He mapped out the idea. The stranger could climb back up by wrapping the rope around him. Loop by loop, the rope would become shorter.

But the dangling man had no interest in the idea.

“I don’t think I can hang on much longer,” warned the man on the bridge.

“You must try,” appealed the stranger. “If you fail, I die.”

Suddenly a new idea struck the man on the bridge. It was different and even alien to his normal way of thinking. “I want you to listen carefully,” he said, “because I mean what I am about to say.”

The dangling man indicated that he was listening.

“I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; I hereby give back the position of choice for your own life to you.”

“What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid.

“I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug some from here.”
He unwound the rope from around his waist and braced himself to be a counterweight. He was ready to help as soon as the dangling man began to act.

“You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.”

After a long pause, the man on the bridge uttered slowly, “I accept your choice.” In voicing those words, he freed his hands and continued his journey over the bridge.

* * *

Ironically, the closer you come to crossing the bridge to your dreams, the more people will appear jumping off the bridge, insisting that you and only you can save them from drowning.

And it is a lie.

While as Christians we are called to love our spouse, our children, and our close friends, we only have two hands, and so we need to be careful about which of the ropes tossed to us we choose to hold.

* * *

Michael Hyatt writes brilliantly about this in a post called Success and Accessibility, which I would recommend any blogger whose blog is beginning to take off to read.

He writes “The more successful you become, the more other people will demand of your time. As a result, if you are going to maintain margin for your most important priorities, you will have to make some difficult decisions about your accessibility.

He quotes Andy Stanley, who writes,

“The harsh reality is that the more successful we are, the less accessible we become. So then we are faced with the dilemma of who gets my time and who doesn’t, when do they get it, and and how much of it do they get.”

 Hyatt continues, “Your time is a zero sum game. When you say yes to one thing, you are simultaneously saying no to something else. The more successful you get, the more difficult this becomes. You find yourself saying no to good things—worthy things—in order to say yes to your most important priorities.

 After all, from the perspective of the one asking, it is not a big request. But, to agree to their requests would require a major investment of my time. Add all the requests together, and I am soon eating into the time allotted for my own projects, friends, family, and health.

Hyatt suggests

1. Acknowledge your resources are finite. This is a fact. You have 168 hours per week. No more, no less. Every time you commit to something, you are depleting your available time. Your other resources are also limited, including your attention, money, and energy.

If you ignore this, it will eventually catch up with you. You will pay a high price when that happens—perhaps an emotional breakdown, a divorce, wayward kids, a business failure, or a health crisis

2.   Determine who needs access and who doesn’t. Not everyone needs full access to you. They may think they do, but they don’t. Therefore, you must prioritize your contacts and relationships.

Remember: once you let people in, it is hard to ask them to leave without creating misunderstanding or hurt feelings. Be intentional.”

* * *

I had an awkward experience  recently when a blog-reader whom I had never met asked me to commit to be her buddy and to encourage and support  and pray for her.

I already had 4-6 messages about her  sad, difficult personal circumstances in my inbox which I had not had the energy to reply to.

I replied that my commitments to my spouse, my teenage daughters, women in my small group, my own health and exercise programme, my house-making and my book-writing and blogging left me without the energy to commit to her, and to ask someone else.

No, she had no real-life friends who’d be interested; no church friends; no cyber-friends she could think of. Apparently, in all the world of 7 billion people, I, whom she had never met, was the only one to hold the rope. There were heart-rending reasons why she needed support and encouragement; she explained them over four emails.

I could foresee an inbox full of heart-wrenching emails I would not have the energy to reply to. I could foresee this ending badly in anger and bitter disappointment on her part, and guilt and exhaustion on mine. I was certain I did not have the ability to drag her out, but could see myself dragged down, sucked in, drowning in emails. She would be angry and disappointed whether I said no now, or replied to 19 emails but could not reply to email #20-30.

Ah, here’s a mantra I am learning: Fail Quickly. I realized from reading her blog that this lady’s needs were unusually deep and complex and offering “support and encouragement” would take hours and hours, but, would, almost certainly, leave her problems unchanged. I steadfastly reiterated my “No” four times.

* * *

A year ago, six months ago, I would have agreed without a second thought, and it would have exhausted me, and, almost certainly,done her no good.

The story of the bridge comes from a chapter called “The Gift of Limits.”

I am finite. I cannot solve the problems of the world. I, sadly, am not called to commit to be a friend to this woman I have never met, whose face or photograph I have never seen—though she may not see it this way!!

What does the Lord require of me? If I can love my family, love my closest friends, and bless others through my blog and writing and life, I will be content.


Read my new memoir: Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India (US) or UK.
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Comments

  1. nancy mukiira says

    September 9, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Am sadly realizing that what you are saying is so true… and this parable has helped see what i needed to see. thanks.

    • Anita Mathias says

      September 10, 2013 at 7:22 am

      Thank you!

  2. SimplifyLady says

    January 26, 2013 at 3:56 am

    Excellent! I think your lady came over to me! It is so true as a public online person, that people write. Most have the courtesy of just 1-3 email exchange. But I’ve experienced a few needy women who write everything about their life. One I had to actually set a filter to delete her email. Mostly ask God what to do and then run it by close friends. They told me I responded way too much and gave me the common sense to stop.

    • Anita Mathias says

      January 26, 2013 at 10:21 am

      Thanks, SimplifyLady. I guess we need to sort out our role as bloggers. Writers or advisers, counsellors, pastors, cyber-friends to our readers. Once our blog reaches a certain point, if we take on the role of mother-confessor, pastor, cyber-friend to dozens, our writing will suffer. Tough choice!

  3. Emily says

    January 25, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Wow. You know, I hadn’t thought of it in quite that way before. I’ve heard the saying “when you say yes to something you’re inevitably saying no to something else” but the story of the bridge – well it’s making me think this Friday afternoon. Thanks so much for sharing!

    • Anita Mathias says

      January 25, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      I love that saying “When you say yes to something, you’re inevitably saying No to something else.” I need to think about that more often.

  4. Ann Vertel says

    January 25, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    OUTSTANDING post, Anita! Jesus didn’t drag people into a happy life either, He simply said, “follow me.” Bravo for continuing to cross your bridge and helping a multitude in the process. Rock your day and be bold! – Ann

    • Anita Mathias says

      January 25, 2013 at 5:52 pm

      Thank you so much, Ann!

  5. Tim Thompson says

    January 25, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Wow!!  Love,
    Love, Love the bridge story and I will be sharing it!! It really is a decision which way this ends and I can say
    “I accept your choice” without guilt. Thanks, Tim

    • Anita Mathias says

      January 25, 2013 at 3:22 pm

      Thank you so much, Tim. I like it too, though I can imagine it would be hard when it’s your child, for instance!

  6. Lorretta Stembridge says

    January 25, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Oh HOORAY for this post. On the one hand I must recognize that I don’t want to be “THIS” kind of person in the life of anyone else. On the other hand, my blog, writing and speaking are taking off and what I thought was so necessary to this process (shopping “me” around) turns out to be counter-productive and exhausting. Oh, and by the way–God’s in control and doesn’t need me to “shop” it! So much wisdom here. All I can say in sum is that I’m glad I found the Anita on the planet and I get to stand close enough to watch and learn. Blessings Sister!

    • Anita Mathias says

      January 25, 2013 at 3:28 pm

      Thanks, Lorretta. For me, fortunately, I realized that my energy and organization put severe limits on my ability to “shop” my work around or hustle.

      My friend Paul says, “When we say, all I can do is pray” we mean I can do nothing, but really we are saying, “All I have left is a nuclear bomb.”

      And so I resort to prayer when my blog is stuck in views, or followers, or whatever. “Lord, give me your words which will be a blessing to others. Lord, please help me get the words to the right readers.”

      And I also accept the Lord’s timing, because, as I wrote in this piece, more readers, lovely though it is, means more demands and challenges and sharpened organizational ability!!

  7. Shannon Coe says

    January 25, 2013 at 3:49 am

    Anita, What a great post! Fail quickly….Thank you for your words!

    • Anita Mathias says

      January 25, 2013 at 3:29 pm

      Shannon, glad you liked the post. Interestingly, failing quickly leaves us healthier too. It’s a lesson I just learned in my forties. Before I would strive for success for far too long.
      Blessings!

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If you'll forgive me for adding to the noise of th If you'll forgive me for adding to the noise of the world on Black Friday, my memoir ,Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India, is on sale on Kindle all over the world for a few days. 
Carolyn Weber (who has written "Surprised by Oxford," an amazing memoir about coming to faith in Oxford https://amzn.to/3XyIftO )  has written a lovely endorsement of my memoir:
"Joining intelligent winsomeness with an engaging style, Anita Mathias writes with keen observation, lively insight and hard earned wisdom about navigating the life of thoughtful faith in a world of cultural complexities. Her story bears witness to how God wastes nothing and redeems all. Her words sing of a spirit strong in courage, compassion and a pervasive dedication to the adventure of life. As a reader, I have been challenged and changed by her beautifully told and powerful story - so will you."
The memoir is available on sale on Amazon.co.uk at https://amzn.to/3u0Ib8o and on Amazon.com at https://amzn.to/3u0IBvu and is reduced on the other Amazon sites too.
Thank you, and please let me know if you read and enjoy it!! #memoir #indianchildhood #india
Second birthday party. Determinedly escaping! So i Second birthday party. Determinedly escaping!
So it’s a beautiful November here in Oxford, and the trees are blazing. We will soon be celebrating our 33rd wedding anniversary…and are hoping for at least 33 more!! 
And here’s a chapter from my memoir of growing up Catholic in India… rosaries at the grotto, potlucks, the Catholic Family Movement, American missionary Jesuits, Mangaloreans, Goans, and food, food food…
https://anitamathias.com/2022/11/07/rosaries-at-the-grotto-a-chapter-from-my-newly-published-memoir-rosaries-reading-steel-a-catholic-childhood-in-india/
Available on Amazon.co.uk https://amzn.to/3Apjt5r and on Amazon.com https://amzn.to/3gcVboa and wherever Amazon sells books, as well as at most online retailers.
#birthdayparty #memoir #jamshedpur #India #rosariesreadingsecrets
Friends, it’s been a while since I blogged, but Friends, it’s been a while since I blogged, but it’s time to resume, and so I have. Here’s a blog on an absolutely infallible secret of joy, https://anitamathias.com/2022/10/28/an-infallible-secret-of-joy/
Jenny Lewis, whose Gilgamesh Retold https://amzn.to/3zsYfCX is an amazing new translation of the epic, has kindly endorsed my memoir. She writes, “With Rosaries, Reading and Secrets, Anita Mathias invites us into a totally absorbing world of past and present marvels. She is a natural and gifted storyteller who weaves history and biography together in a magical mix. Erudite and literary, generously laced with poetic and literary references and Dickensian levels of observation and detail, Rosaries is alive with glowing, vivid details, bringing to life an era and culture that is unforgettable. A beautifully written, important and addictive book.”
I would, of course, be delighted if you read it. Amazon.co.uk https://amzn.to/3gThsr4 and Amazon.com https://amzn.to/3WdCBwk #joy #amwriting #amblogging #icecreamjoy
Wandering around Oxford with my camera, photograph Wandering around Oxford with my camera, photographing ancient colleges! Enjoy.
And just a note that Amazon is offering a temporary discount on my memoir, Rosaries, Reading, Steel https://amzn.to/3UQN28z . It’s £7.41.
Here’s an endorsement from my friend, Francesca Kay, author of the beautiful novel, “An Equal Stillness.” This is a beautifully written account of a childhood, so evocative, so vivid. The textures, colours and, above all, the tastes of a particular world are lyrically but also precisely evoked and there was much in it that brought back very clear memories of my own. Northern India in the 60s, as well as Bandra of course – dust and mercurochrome, Marie biscuits, the chatter of adult voices, the prayers, the fruit trees, dogs…. But, although you rightly celebrate the richness of that world, you weave through this magical remembrance of things past a skein of sadness that makes it haunting too. It’s lovely!” #oxford #beauty
So, I am not going to become a book-bore, I promis So, I am not going to become a book-bore, I promise, but just to let you know that my memoir "Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India," is now available in India in paperback. https://www.amazon.in/s?k=rosaries+reading+secrets&crid=3TLDQASCY0WTH&sprefix=rosaries+r%2Caps%2C72&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_10My endorsements say it is evocative, well-written, magical, haunting, and funny, so I'd be thrilled if you bought a copy on any of the Amazon sites. 
Endorsements 
A beautifully written account. Woven through this magical remembrance of things past is a skein of sadness that makes it haunting. Francesca Kay, An Equal Stillness. 
A dazzling vibrant tale of childhood in post-colonial India. Mathias conjures 1960s India and her family in uproarious and heart-breaking detail. Erin Hart, Haunted Ground 
Mathias invites us into a wonderfully absorbing and thrilling world of past and present marvels… generously laced with poetic and literary references and Dickensian levels of observation and detail. A beautifully written, important, and addictive book. Jenny Lewis, Gilgamesh Retold 
Tormented, passionate and often sad, Mathias’s beautiful childhood memoir is immensely readable. Trevor Mostyn, Coming of Age in The Middle East.
A beautifully told and powerful story. Joining intelligent winsomeness with an engaging style, Mathias writes with keen observation, lively insight and hard-earned wisdom. Carolyn Weber, Surprised by Oxford 
A remarkable account. A treasure chest…full of food (always food), books (always books), a family with all its alliances and divisions. A feat of memory and remembrance. Philip Gooden, The Story of English
Anita’s pluck and charm shine through every page of this beautifully crafted, comprehensive and erudite memoir. 
Ray Foulk, Picasso’s Revenge
Mathias’s prose is lively and evocative. An enjoyable and accessible book. Sylvia Vetta, Sculpting the Elephant
Anita Mathias is an is an accomplished writer. Merryn Williams, Six Women Novelists
Writing a memoir awakens fierce memories of the pa Writing a memoir awakens fierce memories of the past. For the past is not dead; it’s not even past, as William Faulkner observed. So what does one do with this undead past? Forgive. Forgive, huh? Forgive. Let it go. Again and again.
Some thoughts on writing a memoir, and the prologue to my memoir
https://anitamathias.com/2022/09/08/thoughts-on-writing-a-memoir-the-prologue-to-rosaries-reading-secrets/ 
#memoir #amwriting #forgiveness https://amzn.to/3B82CDo
Six months ago, Roy and I decided that finishing t Six months ago, Roy and I decided that finishing the memoir was to be like “the treasure in the field,” that Jesus talks about in the Gospels, which you sacrifice everything to buy. (Though of course, he talks about an intimate relationship with God, not finishing a book!!) Anyway, I’ve stayed off social media for months… but I’ve always greatly enjoyed social media (in great moderation) and it’s lovely to be back with the book now done  https://amzn.to/3eoRMRN  So, our family news: Our daughter Zoe is training for ministry as a priest in the Church of England, at Ridley Hall, Cambridge. She is “an ordinand.” In her second year. However, she has recently been one of the 30 ordinands accepted to work on an M.Phil programme (fully funded by the Church of England.) She will be comparing churches which are involved in community organizing with churches which are not, and will trace the impact of community organizing on the faith of congregants.  She’ll be ordained in ’24, God willing.
Irene is in her final year of Medicine at Oxford University; she will be going to Toronto for her elective clinical work experience, and will graduate as a doctor in June ‘23, God willing.
And we had a wonderful family holiday in Ireland in July, though that already feels like a long time ago!
https://anitamathias.com/2022/09/01/rosaries-readi https://anitamathias.com/2022/09/01/rosaries-reading-secrets-a-catholic-childhood-in-india-my-new-memoir/
Friends, some stellar reviews from distinguished writers, and a detailed description here!!
https://amzn.to/3wMiSJ3 Friends, I’ve written a https://amzn.to/3wMiSJ3  Friends, I’ve written a memoir of my turbulent Catholic childhood in India. I would be grateful for your support!
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