Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

Archives for September 2010

"Cheer Up, You Are Worse Than You Think."

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“Cheer Up, You Are Worse Than You Think.”

When I was a member of the evangelical, conservative, theologically sound PCA (Presbyterian Church of America), I was influenced, as the entire denomination was, by the teaching of Dr. Jack Miller, especially on the doctrine of Sonship. His son Paul was a friend of ours, and went through the 16 week course one on one with me and Roy, so that it did begin to change our thinking, and our understanding of the Father heart of God.

One of Jack’s favourite sayings when anyone got too mournful, or too defensive about their sin was, “Cheer up, you are worse than you think,” a comment accompanied by loud, uproarious laughter. If you asked him what that meant, he simply laughed, just as heartily and uproariously (a most irritating response for someone as essentially serious-minded as I am).

I haven’t figured out this aphorism. The consensus is that there is far, far, far more room for the grace and mercy of God to transform you than you can ever guess. Your sin is worse than you can guess, and so there is more room for the Redeemer to redeem you than you can ever guess.

There was a related saying I heard in the PCA. When someone did something which made them look bad, or looked bad without, in fact, doing what they were accused of, people would say, “Well, if people knew the worst about me, I would look a lot worse.”

That has comforted me so often, both when I have done something I am ashamed of and everyone knows, and when people think I have done something, and judge me for it, though, in fact, they are misjudging me. If they knew the worst things I have done, they would judge more far more harshly than they are correctly or incorrectly doing at present, I tell myself. And then I smile and shrug!

So cheer up. You are worse than even your enemies think you are. And cheer up, you are worse than you think you are. In far greater need for a redeemer to redeem your lost heart than you imagine. And cheer up, and thank God–there is a redeemer, and He is ready!!

The Sensitivity of the Spirit and Decision Making

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The Sensitivity of the Spirit and Decision Making

Among the most formative experiences of my Christian life was a 5 year period of discipleship with my American friend, Paul. I edited and commented on the first draft of his manuscripts, which have now become two successful books, “Love Walked Among Us” and “A Praying Life.” He said in the former that he found his voice while working with me, and I am glad that happened. He was a skilled discipler– I guess an older tradition would have called it a spiritual director–and so we swapped spiritual direction for editing. He said, when we worked out our bargain, “Oh, I’ll come out ahead.” However, there is no doubt in my mind that I did that.

We studied Romans, Galatians and the Gospels over a period of 5 years, 1997 to 2002. Paul had written a 62 week study on the Gospels which I later taught, though not particularly successfully.  And there was homework. Lots of questions every week. I used to fax in 5 to 6 typed pages of my answers to the essay type questions, I sometimes got to 10 pages. I loved it; it made me think, which is one of my favourite activities– just thinking.

In discipleship, or spiritual direction, one has  to be honest (there is no sense going into it if one is not going to be as honest as it is humanly possible to be at that time. I get more honest about who I am each decade I live, as I care less about what people think of me.). So I handed in honest answers for a woman in her thirties.
* * *
An issue which came up was what a scientist friend of mine calls “dynamic equilibrium.” Holding in balance the two elements of my life–my call to write, and my call to be a wife and mother. Once I start writing and thinking, it is very hard for me to shift gears to laundry, dishes, house-keeping. I would resolve to balance my life better as Paul and I chatted for the weekly hour; resolve and fail.

Anyway, in our sessions, I would resolve to be the perfect housewife. To surrender my writing to God. How long would that last? Not very long. And I would fax in pages of homework on Romans, Galatians, the Gospels, the doctrine of sonship, whatever we were studying. (Paul was a theologian).

Finally, Paul said to me. “Anita, you should publish your homework. Just as it is.” (You know, I might, if I can bear to look back at it, and at that young spiritually struggling woman.)

Then he said, “Anita, your insights are priceless. But if you do not obey what the Spirit is saying, God will take them away, and not give you any more.”

And that was that. He was silent. And so was I.
* * *
I was chilled. It was one of the most formative sentences anyone has ever spoken to me.

I took it on board. It is one of my core convictions. That the most dangerous thing I can do is ignore what the Spirit is saying. Is to say,” I will obey in a little while,” as one of my daughters says when I say it’s bedtime.

Because, as R.T. Kendall, says in a book I have been leafing through,” The Sensitivity of the Spirit,” the Spirit is a gentleman. He gets up and leaves very quietly when he is ignored. And the worst thing is, you don’t even realize that he has got up and gone.
* * *
I have made many of the most significant decisions of my life because I heard the word of God telling me, sometimes in a clear memorable sentence, sometimes in an overwhelming impression, that that was what I had to do. I applied to (only!) the University of Oxford, when I lived in a small Indian town from where no one had gone to Oxford, because I heard God tell me to do that I decided to become a writer because I clearly heard the voice of God suggesting that I do that.  I married my husband, who was then just a good, dear friend, because again of an inner impression that I believed (and believe, was from God. I also fell in love, of course, once we started dating.) I started a unusual business because I heard clear directives from God on how to go about it. And we both left the 9-5 work world, again because I heard that directive from God in prayer. I took up blogging 5 months ago, because I heard God suggest it on a walk on a beach in France in April this year.

All these decisions have been good. What is the price for being able to hear vital, helpful, time-saving, very beneficial and blessed directions? This is it. Sigh. That when God says, “Anita dear, yes, that would be a lovely blog post, I agree, but please could you help Roy out with that messy room he’s trying to order,” I don’t say “in a bit,” but obey now. So the dreary obedience is the price of the amazing, pyrotechnic suggestions that the fun-loving Spirit delights in sharing.
* * *
On the subject of writing, my struggle was to surrender it to God, so that it was no longer MY writing. So that he could be my editor, literary agent, publicist. So that if was okay with me if I wrote loads of books, or none at all.

Praise God, that issue is no longer a live one in my life. How did that happen? Well,  I had to give up my writing for a period of almost 4 years–May 2006 until early Jan 2010. And when God returned my writing to me in January 2010, it was transformed. I wrote in an entirely different style, diametrically different from the literary style I had loved and aspired to before. I now write quickly, easily and a lot.

Something I have wondered about is the role of the Spirit in writing. Is good writing for a Christian the result of natural talent, much reading, much practice, much revision, hard graft, hard graft? Or can the Holy Spirit anoint you to write quickly, easily, and relatively well. I now know the answer. He can. He does. In his own time, and for his own purposes.

And the issue of balancing housekeeping and writing is also no longer a live issue. I am still Mary, I cannot help it, I am too dreamy to run a family’s life, leave alone my own. This issue has also finally been resolved this year. I have decided to write full-time; we have had a role reversal, and my husband is going to keep our house running, our lives orderly and only work very part time. Peace at last!! Both of us are totally thrilled with this decision.)

                                                                     * * *
I went through a period of turmoil over the last couple of weeks. What most disturbed me during this period was that I could not clearly hear what the Spirit was saying to me.

I witnessed what I considered an injustice, and wrote about it on this blog (posts now deleted, incidentally). Unfortunately, my writing bore a more than accidental resemblance to people living and not dead. Was I right? Or wrong? Should my post remain up? Or be taken down? I could think of compelling reasons on either side. So could everyone who advised me. I had an inbox full of emails, encouraging me to leave it up, urging me to take it down. And I could not hear what the Spirit was saying. And so I vacillated in a most uncharacteristic way for I am usually a decisive woman, who can make up my mind and act very quickly.
* * *
I was telling my husband, Roy this morning, that I wish I had written down the reasons for and against both courses of action. I have used that way of decision making for over 25 years, since another spiritual adviser suggested it to me. Once the reasons for a course of action fill a couple of pages, and the reasons against it are slim (I  include scriptural verses and principles in these columns), the commonsensical course is now clear.

Common sense is one element in discerning God’s will. One element. Not the only element, nor the crucial one. The crucial one, I believe, is what the spirit and the word say.

“Oh Roy,” I said. “I wish I had just written down the arguments for and against. My course of action would have been so much clearer.”

“Well,” he said, “The experience need not be wasted. You are a writer. Write a post about the wisdom and sanity of this method of decision-making. It will be an interesting post.”

And if it isn’t, friends, well, you know whom to blame!!

O. Hallesby on Prayer, and Random Thoughts on Christian Writing

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O. Hallesby on Prayer, and Other Thoughts on Christian Writing

My friend Paul Miller, also a Christian writer (“Love Walked among us,” the first drafts of which I edited, “A Praying Life” etc) told me about the Norwegian pastor, O. Hallesby’s wonderful book on prayer.

In particular, Paul pointed out a paragraph. I paraphrase–Your secret life with Christ in the secret places of prayer is a cosy, warm Norwegian cottage in a blustery winter. If you talk about your prayer life, you open the door, and cold wintry blasts enter.

I am sure Hallesby is right. Also, one cannot talk about spiritual adventuring without some degree of showing-off or putting oneself on a pedestal. Look at Paul the Apostle in this amusing passage, struggling with dual impulses,
a) to tell all–to describe his amazing spiritual experiences, probably among his most precious possessions,
b) to keep secret this sacred, precious and most dear thing.

 Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell. 5I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. 6Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.


He has it both ways, doesn’t he? Both tells, and doesn’t tell. As most of us do when we war with the impulse to show off.
                                                   * * *

I have written, in another context, that if one is looking for a business niche, the best way to find it is to look for the intersection of your own deep joy (interests, abilities, talents) and the world’s deep need, to quote Frederick Buechner. http://theoxfordchristian.blogspot.com/2010/08/amazing-business-success-story-story-of.html

http://theoxfordchristian.blogspot.com/2010/08/christian-in-business-further-thoughts.html

The same is true for a writer looking for a subject. Though, of course, after a certain age, one doesn’t look for subjects any more, they come up and grab your by the throat, many of them, all at once.

I have both studied and taught Creative Writing at universities. A common writing adage goes like this, “If there is a book you would like to read, and it does not exist, why then, of course, you must write it.”

There is a blog or website I would love to bookmark, but I haven’t yet quite found it. I spend many hours at my laptop to which, I openly confess, I am somewhat addicted. I help run our family’s publishing company, Benediction Classics,  I write. And blog. All of which add up to much screen time.

“Much study is a weariness to the flesh, and of making books there is no end. ” In these times of weariness, I have often wished for a spiritual pick-me-up, an equivalent of a cappuccino and chocolate bar, to encourage and refill a weary and empty soul, something more modern than Habakkuk or Isaiah, someone wrestling with my dilemmas, but handling them better.

And since, I didn’t find a blog updated daily, an evolving diary of a soul, something like a spiritual multi-vitamin, I thought I might try to write one.

That would be a blessing to my readers.

But I have not found the answer to many of my wonderings. The spiritual life is full of highs and lows. One moment, you are with Christ on the mountain, seeing him and everything else transfigured, you behold his glory, you behold Moses and Elijah, you see reality in a different light, you are transformed.

And then you walk down the mountain, and you are now cocky and arrogant, and presume to advise Christ, and to your horror, he, who once said to you, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah” now says, “Get behind me, Satan, for you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of man.”

So how does a Christian writer chronicle her spiritual life without the appearance of showing off? Or without, in fact, showing off!  Is it even appropriate to write about a deep, sacred, intimate and precious relationship on the web? It would be like writing about the most private moments of marriage, which even I, who am always writing, would never dream of doing.

I don’t have an answer, but I think I might use the blessing test more severely. If what I am writing is, or might be a blessing to my readers, I’ll press, “Publish Post.” If not, it joins my multi-volume drafts folder!









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THE BLUE BEDSPREAD by RAJ KAMAL JHA

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THE BLUE BEDSPREAD by RAJ KAMAL JHA


A very quick read, in an experimental minimalist style, mining the territory opened up by Arundhati Roy–incest and familial sexual abuse. Do these things really happen in India? I remember the shock I felt as an 18 year old when a maid working for one of the leading and pious Catholic families in town, told me her employer regularly pawed and propositioned her. What? How could it be? I thought in shock and revulsion. 


“The Blue Bedspread” is a self-conscious novel, of course, though written in the clear, transparent style that conceals art. The story is told in a series of Faulknerian flashbacks. The tension and sadness build relentlessly. I read it quickly, and it maintained my interest throughout. If you are interested in style, and experimentation with it, and in unusual novels, which are, nevertheless, a quick read, this slim novel will probably be worth your while. 






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Ole Hallesby on Prayer, and Random Thoughts on Christian Writing

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My friend Paul Miller, a Christian writer (of “Love Walked among us,” the first drafts of which I edited, “A Praying Life” etc) told me about the Norwegian pastor, Ole Hallesby’s wonderful book on prayer.

In particular, Paul pointed out a paragraph. I paraphrase: Your secret life with Christ in the secret places of prayer is a cosy, warm Norwegian cottage in a blustery winter. If you talk about your prayer life, you open the door, and cold wintry blasts enter.

I am sure Hallesby is right. The risk of talking about spiritual adventuring is putting oneself on a pedestal. Look at Paul the Apostle in this amusing passage, struggling with dual impulses,
a) to tell all–to describe his amazing spiritual experiences, probably among his most precious possessions,
b) to keep secret this sacred, precious and most dear thing.

Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell. 5I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. 6Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say. (2 Cor. 12).

He has it both ways, doesn’t he? Both tells, and doesn’t tell. As most of us do when we war with the impulse to show off.
* * *

The spiritual life is full of highs and lows. One moment, you are with Christ on the mountain, seeing him and everything else transfigured; you behold his glory; you behold Moses and Elijah; you see reality in a different light; you are transformed.

And then you walk down the mountain, and you are now cocky and arrogant, and presume to advise Christ, and to your horror, he, who once said to you, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah” now says, “Get behind me, Satan, for you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of man.”

So how does a Christian writer chronicle her spiritual life without the appearance of showing off? Or without, in fact, showing off!  Is it even appropriate to write about a deep, sacred, intimate and precious relationship on the web? It would be like writing about the most private moments of marriage, which even I, who am always writing, would never dream of doing.

I don’t have an answer, but I think I might use the blessing test more severely. If what I am writing is, or might be a blessing to my readers, I’ll press, “Publish Post.” If not, it joins my multi-volume drafts folder!

* * *

If one is looking for a business niche, the best way to find it is to look for the intersection of your own deep joy (interests, abilities, talents) and the world’s deep need, to quote Frederick Buechner.

The same is true for a writer looking for a subject. Though, of course, after a certain age, one doesn’t look for subjects any more, they come up and grab your by the throat, many of them, all at once.

I have both studied and taught Creative Writing at universities. A common writing adage goes like this, “If there is a book you would like to read, and it does not exist, why then, of course, you must write it.”

If there a blog you would like to bookmark, an unfailing source of refreshment to your tired spirit, and it doesn’t exist, then, well, you will have to write it!

PARTIE DE CAMPAGNE by JEAN RENOIR

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PARTIE DE CAMPAGNE by JEAN RENOIR


I did enjoy this charming film by Jean Renoir (who also acted in it, a good deal changed from the adorable little boy, subject of paintings and photographs in Les Collettes, August Renoir’s farmhouse in the South of France, which we visited this spring.


It is a close and faithful rendition of Maupassant short story Une Partie de Campagne, available online in English translation, though not without typos, alas.


Though it is the tale of a lyrical, country interlude, it is also heartbreaking. A working class 18 year old Parisian, Henriette, spends a day in the country. Two youngsters, of a higher social class, see her and her mother, and decide to seduce them. 


Henri seduces Henriette, they have a sweet, intense sexual encounter. And part. 


Henriette married a slow lout.”Years passed with Sundays as bleak as Mondays. Anatole married Henriette.” I think of Yeats’ line on Helen of Troy  “Helen being chosen found life flat and dull. And later had much trouble from a fool.”




One Sunday, a couple of years later, Henriette takes Anatole to the bower where she had her sweet, secret encounter with Henri. Henri goes there too, coincidentally. He tells her that he has never forgotten that afternoon. It was the happiest day of his life. She says that she thinks of it every night.


So, in the characteristic Maupassant twist, the tragic seduction of an innocent young girl ends up having unexpected emotional repercussions for the seducer as well. 


The film also reminded me of Chekhov’s “The Seagull”, which I have seen several times, but which is so sad that I doubt I will ever see it again. Nina, loved by clever Konstantin whom she has no romantic feelings for, falls in love with a famous though mediocre writer.


He sees a plot for a short story. “ “A young girl lives all her life on the shore of a lake. She loves the lake, like a seagull, and she’s happy and free, like a seagull. But a man arrives by chance, and when he sees her, he destroys her, out of sheer boredom.” Meanwhile, Nina, in an excess of young devotion, tells him in chilling words, ““If you should ever need my life, come and take it.” 


He does. He tires of her, discards her, her life is ruined. She no longer feels worthy of a good man’s love.


The foreknowledge of this fate hanging over Henriette spoilt the otherwise charming and idyllic film for me. It’s wonderful to be young–but, fortunately, one is only young and innocent once. It’s safer not to so. 




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The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh

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The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh


An old-fashioned, multi-generational novel, it tells a story, as E.M. Forster tiredly remarked. Oh yes, it tells a story.


The story is set in Burma, around the time the British ruthlessly conquered it, sending the Royal Family into exile in India. A new breed of Indian entrepreneurs flooded Burma, making fortunes in a the dazzling new world of the gentle Burmese.


The central romance of the novel is the story of a self-made entrepreneurial Indian who become a millionaire in the rapidly changing Burma–teak!!  rubber!!–and a gentle Burmese girl, essentially a mystic, who rather reluctantly, becomes his wife, though she ultimately gratefully escapes into a Buddhist monastery.


The novel spans a century, through the Second World War and the brutal Japanese invasion of Burma, ending with the equally brutal and mindless coming to the power of the current junta, and a cameo of the gentle Aung San Suu Kyi.


It’s fun, it’s relaxing, you learn an enormous amount.  If you have nothing better to do,  forget everything and curl up with this well-spun and well-written tale–when you have a couple of days free!!









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"SIN BOLDLY" –MARTIN LUTHER

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“SIN BOLDLY” –MARTIN LUTHER


The fascinating, complex German reformer Martin Luther was many things. One of them was quotable!


 Luther’s views were condemned as heretical by Pope Leo X in the bull Exsurge Domine in 1520. He was, consequently, summoned to either renounce or reaffirm them at the Diet of Worms on 17 April 1521. When he appeared before the assembly, Johann von Eck, acting as spokesman for Emperor Charles the Fifth, showed Luther a table filled with copies of his writing. Eck asked if he still believed what these works taught. Luther requested time to think about his answer. Granted an extension, he prayed, consulted with friends and mediators, and presented himself before the Diet the next day.


The counselor put the same question to Luther. Here is Luther’s famous answer, “Unless I am convinced by proofs from Scriptures or by plain and clear reasons and arguments, I can and will not retract, for it is neither safe nor wise to do anything against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.“


On May 25, the Emperor issued his Edict of Worms, declaring Martin Luther an outlaw.



And here is Luther’s famous statement to Philipp Melanchton: “If you are a preacher of mercy, do not preach an imaginary but the true mercy. If the mercy is true, you must therefore bear the true, not an imaginary sin. God does not save those who are only imaginary sinners. Be a sinner, sin boldly, and let your sins be strong, but let your trust in Christ be stronger, and rejoice in Christ who is the victor over sin, death, and the world. We will commit sins while we are here, for this life is not a place where justice resides. We, however, says Peter (2. Peter 3:13) are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth where justice will reign.” [Letter 99.13, To Philipp Melanchthon, 1 August 1521.]