Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

Blogging and Thick Skin

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I Am A Woman No Matter What You Say
Rachel Held Evans observes:It’s no secret that blogging requires thick skin. 

Each post subjects your ideas, interests, and feelings to the scrutiny of other people, who through the anonymity of the internet are more likely to tell you exactly what they think. A single post might lead some to call you a hero and others to question your humanity.
  
I used to be incredibly sensitive to criticism.  So one of the many reasons I love blogging is that it has forced me into a healthier relationships with feedback.
I’ve started owning what I have to say and I’ve stopped taking criticism so personally. I’ve become less swayed by the reaction of other people, less vulnerable to the ups and downs of public opinion.
In short, I’ve grown thicker skin. 
Reading her post, I reflected that very personal blogging—shared with tout le monde— on a daily basis, as Anne Jackson did in Flower Dust is an unprecedented experiment in the history of mankind. It requires considerable nervous energy—to not only come up with a thought worth sharing, but cast it into a form worth sharing, and then put it out there for the world’s admiration (or secret contempt or pity). And then do it again, the very next day. And again!!
Every now and again, you witness a blogger you follow, Anne Jackson, in the now deleted Flower Dust, temporarily fragment, go through a very, very dark and rough patch—while they keep blogging and facebooking about it—and you read with the grim and horrified fascination of one watching a car crash in slow motion.
And even if one does try to project a favourable image to the world, any personal blogger ends up making witting or unwitting revelations about her character, and blind spots….
Read enough blogs, and you will realize which posts don’t quite ring true—mainly those in which the blogger attempts to project an image to the world which is more favourable than the reality or attempts to preach, rather than share her struggles.
There is nothing like blogging to toughen one up.
It definitely forces one to grow up and, as Rachel says, own what you have to say.
We are all probably born with an innate desire for approval; it’s probably a biological survival instinct.
However, nobody, not even Jesus (who had a perfect character, except that his outspokenness would be considered a flaw by many) won everyone’s approval.
If one blogs every day—as I try to, while at home—one will inevitably write the occasional trite, boring, poorly written post, and one has to make peace with it.
Additionally, you open yourself and your ideas up to the world, and are guaranteed to sometimes disappoint.
I realize that some of my posts will disappoint readers who seeking inspiration—and I myself often read many blogs looking for just that: reminders and encouragement to continue on the narrow road of discipleship.
Some will disappoint those seeking distraction or stimulation, originality or cleverness –and I too read some blogs simply because they make me think.
I have, a couple of times, mentioned the one issue on which I depart from evangelical orthodoxy, and have known my more conservative friends would disapprove if they read it—and they did, and did!
My (on the whole) evangelical orthodoxy probably annoys some of my liberal friends.
And, it’s struck me, that I haven’t yet begun blogging on the whole charismatic side of my faith, though I have been a charismatic with a small c for as long as I have been a Christian.
While, theologically, I am an orthodox evangelical, I am politically rather left-wing, and viscerally opposed to much of American foreign policy, which probably annoys some of my American readers.
Some posts don’t have much to them, and probably disappoint everyone!!
Blogging teaches one to be oneself—knowing that no one will like all your posts or ideas; but all the same, it is important to own them.
I remember an axiom while I was doing a Masters in Creative Writing—one has to write the bad poems, and get them out of the way to get to the good poems.
It’s the same with blog posts. It’s sometimes good to write down an idea that keeps recurring to you, even if it seems unpromising. Perhaps it is calling out to be explored in greater detail; perhaps it needs to be written down so that you think it through more clearly.
Interestingly, the discipline of writing my ideas down and publishing daily has made me more outspoken and self-confident in real life, and far more willing to express my own ideas with quiet confidence, and to own them.

Dreaming in Stockholm

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Dreaming in Stockholm
Well, Stockholm was a surprise—totally enchanting: a third
water, and a third parks. Hiked yesterday in a virgin forest National Park,
Tyresta within the limits of Stockholm!! 

Wandered today around Gamla Stan,
Stockholm’s medieval quarter, really, really narrow side streets—3 feet across
sometimes, and interesting churches and monuments. Alleys overshadowed by
overhanging pastel coloured buildings.
Then canoed on Stockholm’s canals. Impossibly beautiful.
Interesting Russian style viridian and gold domes—I suppose Stockholm is just across
the Baltic Sea from Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania.

The women for the most part are beautiful—in the blond,
blue-eyed, high browed, high cheekboned, oval faced style that Hollywood and
supermodels have made the norm of female beauty. Lots of golden-haired, very
tall Thor-like Scandinavian giants around. The difference from the Russians is
striking, given that that narrow-ish Baltic Sea separates the two peoples. I
guess the Russians are Slavs, while the Scandinavians are Nordic.

I love Scandinavia—our 2009 summer trip to Norway was one of
our travelling highlights. Finances and health permitting, I would like to
explore Iceland, Denmark and Finland over the next 2-3 summers.

Swedish food is surprisingly good. We’ve enjoyed
salmon, crayfish and, of course, Swedish meatballs with lingonberries in
various cafes. Their heavy seeded bread is brilliant with basic cream cheese,
and dilled smoked salmon.  Doing some
self-catering. Like the simplebut very high-quality food.

  

Exploring Sweden in a Motor Home

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Okay, we are exploring Sweden in a camper van. We’ve done 6 motor home holidays (Switzerland, Norway, New Zealand, Ireland and two trips to France). I mostly love camper van holidays—long dreamy days of watching the scenery go by, long times of lying down and praying while we get to places, writing on my laptop while dinner simmers, camping free in lonely wild places, waking up by the sea or lakes or waterfalls, a different one each day, seeing an enormous number of beautiful landscapes in one trip.
The girls though are 12 and 16 and we are in our late forties; are our days of this sort of holiday numbered? I miss my 24/7 internet coverage. Miss spacious showers and baths; there is more clean up in a camper; more opportunities to show grace.

First night was in a 4 star Stockholm hotel with a wonderful breakfast. Sweden is twice the size of England, with a population of 9 million rather than 60 million. 20% of the population are born elsewhere. I guess that is necessary given the low Scandinavian birthrate (a consequence of the high status of women). Sweden was (as a result??) the first country to outlaw the spanking of children.
There is an untranslatable Swedish word lagom, which expresses the essence of Swedishness, medium, not too much, not too little. We found that in renting our motor home, they went reasonably far in helping us (gave us modems and sims, but the tour was rushed and we are finding out that various things don’t work as they should.
Explored a National Park in Stockholm today—Tyresta. Perfect silence, birds, virgin forest, in one of Europe’s great cities. Wow!!

Please pray that our trip goes well, that we remain conscious of the presence of God through it, and that we show grace to each other, and that we use the opportunities of character development and consideration that spending time in confined quarters offers us.

Can an Individual Change Another Through Prayer Alone?

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I have a good friend, who prays constantly. 


He married, when very young, a woman who’s “feisty,” in his words, and bossy and critical. (They have 6 children, and not much money, so my sympathies are with her).

Anyway, my friend told me that when he sees something he does not like about his wife, or one of his children, he makes a note of it on the little index cards he uses to pray, and takes it up with God.

For instance, he started praying that his wife would be more gentle with him. 

That his son, whose ambition it was to own Microsoft would love God more than money. 

That his children would be less mean to each other. 
                                           * * * 

And most of these things came to pass. 

But not without several changes in my friend himself. These included an emotional and nervous breakdown during which he was unable to work and accepted the Kingship of Jesus over himself (the very Lordship he had so wanted his children to acknowledge.)
                                                     * * * 

Back to my question. Can an individual change another through prayer alone?

Yes, I believe so.  

If prayer works, and is for real–and the whole thrust of Scripture tells us that does and is–than prayer can change anything, including the people we love.

It takes a while, it takes faith–and since God has a sense of humour which borders on the perverse–it might often involves changes in the deep structure of our own personalities. 
                                                              * * *

Prayer is dynamite–explosive in its power–and we are invariably caught in the friendly fire of our prayer for another.

And change, the shedding of our dragon skin–is never without pain.
                                               * * * 

When I see a desperate need for change in someone else, which neither my advice, nagging, bullying or manipulation can bring about, I resort to prayer. (As I get wiser, I am glad to report, this is becoming more of a first resort rather than a last resort.)  And it does work, invariably, in surprising ways.

Hudson Taylor had this amazing goal and motto, “To Move Man, Through God, by Prayer Alone.” He used this in small things (when his employer forget to pay him) and in large, to raise tens of thousands of pounds for the China Inland Mission.

The hearts of people are in the hands of God, and he sways them how he wills. And an old adage goes, “Prayer is the hand which moves the hand of God.”

 

Christian Blogging and Holiness

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Image by Fitzy

Blogging –A Matter of Words

Holiness–A Matter of Heart
Anyone who has known many writers, preachers, and bloggers will know that the characters of those gifted with words–preachers, or Christian writers or bloggers–does not necessarily match their eloquence.
But we want it to match up, don’t we? 
I think it would be dreadful if my blog ran ahead of me. If the insights I developed and shared in my blog did not more or less match the insights I was living. If I were not making a serious effort to walk what I blogged.
                                   * * *
This blog, while steadily growing and finding its audience, is doing so more slowly than I would have liked.
And so when I go to Christ and ask for ideas, strategy, redirection (for, like everyone else, I do not like to fail at what I undertake–nor do I want to invest my time and energy in an enterprise which does not have God’s blessing) my session of prayer and discernment comes to this:
That I should seek to be filled with the Spirit each day, and that filling will pour out into blog posts.
That I should seek to follow Christ each day, and that adventure can then be recorded in my  blog.
That I should seek to love people–and that quest will stretch, shape, mould and refine me.

And from that will come blog posts with life.

Now, being me, I am likely to forget this in a couple of months when my blog stats displease me, and so I am recording it now, so that I can re-read it and again try to live it then.

Ninja Blogging versus Stream-of-Spirit Blogging

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Painting by Fitzy


Rachel Held Evans and John Piper are Ninja bloggers. Pretty much every post is well and carefully written, and appears to have gone through multiple drafts.
I sometimes wonder if I should blog that way–producing the best writing I am capable of in every post, even if I have far fewer of them.
                                   * * * 
I produced carefully written, much revised and rewritten work for years. And also developed writers’ block–was so self-critical that writing became anxiety, self-doubt and work rather than play for me. It lost its joy.
For me to try to blog that way would be the sure way to stress and writer’s block. 
For me blogging is a way to psychological, spiritual and emotional health, as I keep current with what I am working out intellectually or spiritually or emotionally. It is deep play.
So, I have made peace with being good-enough rather than consistently excellent in my writing on this blog (as in all other areas of my life).
                                  * * * 
One of the most empowering writing teachers I had, Charlie Sugnet at the University of Minnesota, would give us really low-bar, low risk of failure assignments. I did the best writing of my life that term. (See this  or this published in my first book, Wandering Between Two Worlds).
 
Setting a low bar—being willing to open myself to the possibility of small failures on a daily basis–that is the only way I can see myself maintaining this enterprise of sharing my innermost thoughts with the world on an almost-daily basis without burning out.
* * *
What I am far more interested in could be called, I suppose, stream-of-Spirit blogging.
To hear what the Spirit is saying to me. To record it.
When I don’t know what to write about, which is often, I either look at my drafts folder for the overflow of those creative days when I have ideas for five posts, or I ask, “What is the spirit saying to me? What worry, joy, emotion, idea, insight or epiphany is uppermost in my thoughts?” And then I play with it. And as I do, the germ of the idea frequently develops into a fully-fledged 800 word blog post.
My blog will consist of other posts, of course, but this will be one way for me to maintain my own interest in it. To try to hear what the Spirit is saying to me, and to record it. (God’s ideas are limitless, and by tapping into them, we too find limitless ideas for blog posts.)
“A man’s reach must exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” Robert Browning wrote.

So I guess my perhaps far-fetched ultimate ideal for the blog is that I may overhear what the Spirit is saying to me, and saying to the Church, and record it. Can a blogger or a blog have a sort of prophetic ministry? Who knows? Perhaps!