Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

When your Blog is not on a Blogroll

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The Lamb’s Book of Life (Image credit)

You know that awkward moment, when you check a blogroll, kind of hoping you’ll be on it, and well…you’re not?

And your heart sinks.

And you say….

* * *

Well, 30 years ago–forget that, 3 years ago, if I were blogging then–I would have heard the word of torment, the word of the accuser of the brethren, the word of demand: MORE.

Blog more, comment more, network more. Get your name out there more.

Demon whispers.

I hear them, I hear them, and as Odysseus poured wax into the ears of his sailors so they’d be proof against the song of the sirens

I pour honey into my ears,

The honey of truth.

* * *

For this is what the Lover of Anita says.

“Who gave human beings their mouths? Is it not I, the LORD? 12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11-12

And I still say More, but it is no longer a fist-clenched anxious more.

It’s a hands-open, humble one.

* * *

Help me to follow you more closely, Lord. May my blog develop in tandem with my spiritual life.

More of your spirit, Lord, more of you. Help me believe more deeply for you said:

Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.”(John 7:38).

Ah, give me that, Lord. Streams of living water flowing through my blog, flowing to find readers to bless. And if my blog blesses people, well, I guess I don’t deeply care about blog-rolls.

Ah, let me swim, oh Lord, in the waters from your sanctuary. For it is written of the river which flows from your sanctuary: Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear fruit, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing.” (Ezekiel 47: 12).

To grow in the waters of Spirit which flow from your sanctuary, and to bear fruit each month, fruit for food and leaves for healing—fruit from the Spirit!! And when you are swimming in the waters which flow from the sanctuary, when the tree of your life grows in it, and bears fruit every month—well then, blogrolls are secondary.

* * *

And I bring you again the two loaves and five fish of my talent. And I see you bless it. And, ouch, I see you break it.

And it doesn’t resemble the way I hoped to write, the way I planned to write, the way I was taught to write, the way I used to write.

And you—YOU distribute the loaves of words which have come from brokenness and quietness, words you have whispered to me in my distress—and seeing them read, I am satisfied.

I smile if I am on a blogroll,

And am content if I am not,

Because hearing, overhearing and recording your whispers, Lord,

That is the greatest work you have ever given me!!

 

 

 

 

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  1. “I bring you the 2 loaves and 5 fish of my talent” love that so much! And He does break it but then He distributes it in remarkable ways and places we never dreamed! Thank you for the reminder:)

  2. I remember learning about that verse in Exodus a few years ago and I was struck that God tells Moses, “I will teach you what to say.” Being taught requires time, learning requires time and I think we learn as we, “…grow in the waters of Spirit which flow from your sanctuary, and to bear fruit each month, fruit for food and leaves for healing—fruit from the Spirit!!” Thank you for continuing to take the time share the fruit of your experiences, Anita. You write so beautifully, I’m always blessed to read your words. 

  3. Wow, this is just beautiful and EXACTLY what I need to hear, because well, frankly…that’s how I feel, too. Thank you so much for putting into words what I and what I’m sure many others who don’t make ‘The List’ are often feeling. 

  5. Ah, so glad that I'm not the only one. Glad as well that there is a way through the tortured world of self analysis that we bloggers inflict on ourself to freedom, that just because we have these thoughts it doesn't mean we are lost to pride but in the arms of one who takes us away from our stats and shows us the deep full richness of his love and approval. Love the freedom of that way, we are free to blog, free to not find our worth and value in the amount of hits and links, and He grants us those moments when our random witterings on the world have helped someone else keep walking through this life. Thanks 🙂

  7. It is melodic to His heart whenever the instruments of our lives are sacrificially played alone in the woods to an audience of One.

    This “lament” is a “sweet, sweet sound” to His ears because He hears the love for Him that drowns out any minor chords of human angst. The Father dances with joy to this love song, for He only hears your heart.

    It is beautiful, thank you for sharing your heart, Anita.

  8. @Chelliah, yeah, nothing we do for God–teaching, preaching, singing, writing, blogging–is immune from our vanity,and our desire to be good at it– (and alas, our desire for approval).
    I need to keep reminding myself that I am the apple of the eye of someone who regards me with the most intent and minute attention–and who gives me all the attention my restless soul craves.
    And indeed, that is enough, even when our blogs grow more slowly than we might like!!

  9. Thanks much, Aly. I've added you too. As you can imagine, I am embarrassed by my (honest) lament. It is a Biblical genre I shall not specialise in.

  10. Great post! Thanks for your honesty. And the reminder that is a gift in itself to be able to write and share how God is working in our lives, whether or not we receive acclaim for the writing. P.S. Not that it's the point, but you are on my blog roll and I am often blessed by your writing. Keep it up!

  11. Vanity and blogging sometimes roll into each other and is it only human to do so? I sometimes have to remind myself that blogging is about spreading the word of God.

  12. Thank you, Carol, and welcome to my blog.

    “I found myself praying the scriptures as I read through. Wanting, needing, begging for more of Him.” That's so awesome, thanks much. Loved your blog which I have just checked out and commented on.

  13. I love this post. I found myself praying the scriptures as I read through. Wanting, needing, begging for more of Him.
    Thank you for writing and hitting the publish button!

  14. Thanks much, Meredith for seeing the humour of it. I was thinking of deleting it as being too pathetic 🙂

    And thank you for following my blog. I am all smiles again.

    I've just checked yours out. It's hilarious. I am full of awe and respect for moms with young children who blog. I wish I'd done it. How many hilarious moments would have been recorded.

    Anita

  15. This is so awesome! And so funny–I do see my blogging as a ministry, but it's hard b/c I still get so insulted when I don't think I have the following I “should” have. Thanks for writing such an appropriate post 🙂

  16. Lol! Exactly. You're right.

    Forgive the incredibly pathetic lament. I had second thoughts about publishing it, but you know the vanity you feel about pieces you've just written….

    And my blogroll is so sparse, I shouldn't lament. I have just added you back. It grew to 30 blogs, so I cut it back to blogs I didn't know well, and wouldn't otherwise follow.

    Thanks, Archdruid!!