Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

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The Best Way to Forgive–Bend in the Opposite Direction

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Penelope Swithinbank, an Anglican spiritual director and  retreat leader, once told me an excellent way to get over the hump of forgiveness.

Like many people, I can struggle to forgive for years, for decades, re-injuring myself in the process–so much so that I am included to think of forgiveness as a miracle God does for us, a surgery he performs in our hearts, rather than something we do by an act of will. But of course, it’s both!

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Penelope mentioned an idea from The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius. Ignatius says that the best way to straighten a bent twig is not to force it into an upright position. It will merely snap back to its former position.

The way to straighten a bent twig is to deliberately bend it in the opposite direction. And then, when it springs back, it will move to an upright position.

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The application: If you are struggling with forgiveness, the best way to forgive is—breathe deeply now!!– to pray to be given a love for that person. The best way to forgive is to bless them.

Yes, request a blessing on them, because the way they have treated you is not the whole truth of their characters.  Pray a blessing on them because God commands you too. Pray a blessing on them because that’s the kind of person you want to be, a person who is a blessing.

Bless them and release them, for your own sake, so you no longer have to heft around the gorilla of grudges on your back.

Forgive completely because you are no longer going to sip old stale poison, and hope it kills them.

Forgive because you not going to have any cancer in your heart, no, not even a little. You are going to flush out the toxicity of tedious old grievances and grudges.

Unlock the prison doors, and release the sulky captive who could not forgive, who happens to be you, yourself. Release her into the open sunshine of God’s love.

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Yes, that is the quickest way to forgive. Bending the other way. Hold your breath, jump into the pool of God’s love, and forgive the one who has wronged you. Bless her from your heart, before you think better of it.

 

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  1. Yes: and continuing with that person on your ‘prayer list’ over time will (over time) change your relationship. As much as it can be changed from your end, of course … the other person may still be battling with whatever made them do/say whatever it was you are forgiving them for, perhaps some deeply seated character trait, but prayer will help them do it.

    I love this post.

    Can I add something about ‘forgiveness’? We hear a lot about it in church … we need also to hear about how you can forgive more easily than you can ‘forget’ since the hurt is sometimes branded on our hearts, and that will take a long time, and needs more prayer, more work of the will, and God’s healing touch. And we need to understand when we have done the forgiving, not to feel we haven’t done it properly. So, now we are dealing with the hurt, in prayer & personal work. Do others agree with this, I wonder? St Ignatius leaves out ‘turn it towards the sun’ in his wonderful insight about the twig: if the twig is attached to a branch, turn it to the sun/Son. (Works with pot plants anyway … how much more with us!)

    • I am a learner in forgiveness. I am going through some forgiveness work,and think I’m done. But memory might bring up a new stray comment or strand of the situation or relationship, and I will find myself going through it again. I guess that’s what Jesus meant by the 70 times 7.
      I also think forgiveness does not mean that every relationship should be restored. It’s remembering graciously with the wisdom of the serpent and the gentleness of the dove. anitamathias.com/2014/05/26/people-can-change-remember-graciously-wisdom/

      • You are so right. Some relationship aren’t restored – the other person may be unwilling, for a start! I have certainly had to learn that people can’t be argued into restoration, and am at this time still asking God what he really means to do, and means me to do, about one particular sadness of broken relationship, and another which is confusingly neither restored nor not restored – which maybe I have to ditch. In my case, it is as it were I have forgiven, but that feels (feels!) like it should result in something more peaceful than it does! I’m not angry – but … I suspect you know how this feels too! Always love the serpent and dove quote, so very, very wise. Blessings.

  4. Thank you. This was a timely message that I needed to hear today. I was struggling with this very issue this afternoon. God always has an answer to my problems. Today it was your article.

    • Thank you, Jim. It’s one of the hardest, and yet, most beneficial and liberating aspects of the spiritual life, isn’t it?