I was brought up Roman Catholic, was taught that missing Sunday Mass was a mortal sin, except when you were sick. (And a mortal sin meant you would burn in hell, for eternity, unless you confessed it, and were absolved.)
How could I have believed that? Children believe what they are taught.
It’s taken me years to learn not to accept other people’s theology, but to question everything, including other people’s interpretations of Scripture. (As I’ve blogged in Inerrancy and Me, I’ve been to Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Charismatic, Anglican and non-denomination churches. They all believed in inerrancy, and all taught different things.)
* * *
The first time I skipped Church (to study for an exam!) I was 21. And—incredibly–I wondered if I would go to hell if I died before I went to confession. (The whole system–missing Mass is mortal sin; we are only forgiven through confession–of course, bolsters the power and authority of the priesthood. But I didn’t see that then.)
And then, after skipping Mass again, I realised that since I was so often excruciatingly bored by the ancient words of the liturgy that I knew by heart, it was extremely unlikely that a just and merciful God would send me to hell for missing Sunday Mass.
Or that he would forgive me upon the say-so of a priest, when I wasn’t truly, truly sorry. Or that he would not forgive me without formal confession, if I were sorry.
Being a Catholic Charismatic had me reading Scripture, and Scripture did not say that missing Sunday Mass was a mortal sin.
And so I didn’t go the next Sunday, or the next…
In fact, because of memories of almost unbearable boredom during 21 years of Catholic Masses, I simply cannot force myself to go to a Catholic Mass now, even when I visit parents, in-laws, Catholic relatives or friends. (A minor case of post-traumatic stress syndrome, I suppose!)
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As Martin Luther discovered, once you start questioning the extra-Biblical doctrines of the Catholic Church, there is no end to it. I questioned other things.
An aspect of my family’s faith which annoyed me was their large donations for masses to be said for dead relatives to spring them from purgatory. My mother still pays for masses for my little family, so let me not totally discount any spiritual blessing from this, because we have certainly been blessed.
I thought of Sister Josephine in school, who told me that she loved me best of all the students she’d taught over 40 years, and would use her discretionary “pocket money” to buy masses to be said for me in perpetuity in Rome. I would look at the Mass cards dubiously, and wish she had bought herself (or me!) chocolate instead.
But she would be delighted with the woman I now am, the life I now live, and my durable faith, so perhaps her intention of buying prayer for me was honoured by God—or perhaps there are still priests in Rome praying for me. Perhaps.
* * *
The shawl of faith kept unravelling.
Come on, did the words spoken by a priest change the host to the very Body and Blood of Christ? If it did, if I were indeed eating GOD, wouldn’t I be radically changed?
But after Mass, I, and everyone else at boarding school, was as bitchy as before. I mentioned that to Sister Josephine, and she said, “But how do you know what you would have been if you had not received Holy Communion?” And that indeed, who knows.
Nah, didn’t believe in transubstantiation any more. We do it in memory of him, that’s all.
* * *
Gotterdamerung. The Twilight or Destruction of False Gods. It’s very sad, very stressful, very painful—and very liberating!
And what was all this praying to saints? Wasn’t Jesus, God himself, who died to atone for our sins enough? Who could have enough devotion to pray to Therese, Catherine, and Francis in addition? To Anthony when you lose something, Jude when the cause is hopeless, Monica when your children are wayward? And why, why, why pray to this crowded communion when you can go up the waterfall, through the veil, to the presence of the Most Holy God himself?
* * *
And the dreadful Rosary, the dreaded recitation of 50 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers and 5 Glory Bes, which so marred my childhood with its unutterable noisy boredom, which blocked out the possibility of quiet communion with God.
Didn’t Jesus say we shouldn’t be like the pagans who think they will be heard for their many words? Instead how I suffered through the gabble, the noise of the Catholicism I was brought up in, the Novenas, the Litanies, the Rosaries, the Masses…
* * *
And all the extra-Biblical dogmas men with too much time on their hands have conjured up—the Infallibility of the Pope, the Immaculate Conception of Mary, the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary into heaven, these “infallible dogmas” were mere invented ideas, conceits.
Oh, let me not get started!! Especially on the sentimental, ubiquitous, extra-Scriptural reverencing Mary. The prayers to her. Where is all this in Scripture, I used to ask? an anguished, roaring bull–knowing little of Luther, little knowing he asked the same questions 500 years ago!!
* * *
So what is coming from Catholicism to Mere Christianity like?
Imagine the Lord Jesus sitting by a quiet, still mountain spring.
You walk to him through the noise, the chaos, the cacophony, the music, the poetry, the art, the kitsch. Through all the apparitions of the virgin, dogmas, novenas, litanies, rosaries. The terracotta army of saints. The noisy crowd of witnesses . That was Catholicism for me.
And how grateful I am to the tormented Martin Luther for pointing out that a man is saved by Jesus alone, without all this paraphernalia.
We can come back to the heart of worship, which is all about Jesus.
* * *
And we must make sure we ignore the moneychangers and those selling doves in Protestantism too, steer clear of the noise of too many festivals, conferences, retreats; celebrities, big name speakers, big egos, all flogging their course, book, blog, their way to the Way. Their Latest Greatest Shortcut to Heaven. For the house of prayer always risks becoming a den of thieves.
But you, Man and Woman of God, flee all this, and come back to the Jesus you’ll encounter in the Gospels, those simple sparse first century narratives. Come back to the heart of worship.
More from my site
Analysing my Experience of Prayer over the Last 19 Years
Martin Luther didn’t say that, did he? Yes, he did!
Making a Difference Through Prayer and Writing: In Praise of Julian of Norwich
When We are Caterpillars in a Ring of Fire, and Need Rescue from Above
A Richer Palette for Your Prayer Life: Martin Luther’s Advice ( A Guest Post by Gary Hansen, author of “Kneeling with Giants”
I was a cradle catholic and my father is still a deacon. I was a very faithful catholic and did everything I was supposed to do but I am in total agreement with you about your assessment of this faith.
I have since found out that the Catholics have a different bible! I had no idea growing up that we had 14 more books than we should have. The OT apocryphal books have an unquestioned historical and literary value but have been rejected as inspired by non-Catholic Christianity. In fact they were never accepted by the Jews as Scripture and were not accepted as Scripture by the Catholic Church until 1546 AD! And the reason they did this because nowhere in scripture does it say
there is a purgatory
we can pay for masses or indulgences etc
There were doctrinal reasons behind the Protestant refusal to accept the Apocrypha, for it was in these books that the Roman Catholic Church claimed scriptural authority for the doctrine of Purgatory, for prayers and Masses for the dead (2 Macc 12:43-45), and for the efficacy of good works in attaining salvation. (Tobit 12:9; Ecclesiasticus 8:33). (Wikipedia – There were doctrinal reasons behind the Protestant refusal to accept the Apocrypha, for it was in these books that the Roman Catholic Church claimed scriptural authority for the doctrine of Purgatory, for prayers and Masses for the dead (2 Macc 12:43-45), and for the efficacy of good works in attaining salvation. (Tobit 12:9; Ecclesiasticus 8:33).
I remember visiting statues of Mary that were passed around to different homes especially deacons etc and these holy statues of Mary wept blood or tears. Spooky stuff.
I also remember watching my father nod off every night when we recited the rosary as a family 🙂 The incessant droning of repetitious words like we were buddhist chanting the same words over and over
How refreshing it would have been to study scripture as a family and apply it to our daily life! The youth groups were terrible for teens and still are today. I went to all catholic schools all my life and we were all catholic but it was more of a culture thing for most. I wanted to be a christian first and now I am finally free from the bondage of this false religion. Jesus DID NOT come to establish a religion but a relationship with us!
And now I start every morning worshipping, praying reading scripture and the Holy Spirit is revealing Hi s truth. Mary is not the mediatrix as the catholic church teaches only Jesus is. I have joined a church with my family and we are being fed! This confounds my parents who don’t understand what I mean by being fed. All I can say is that when you have been wandering around the dessert seeking God by chanting rosaries, doing countless novenas, fasting every chance you can, offering up your pain for the salvation of others, praying to hundreds of saints for intervention, going to confession every month making sure i remembered every sin,attending daily mass, reading the mystics of catholicism because every other christian book about real life and real faith in Christian book stores is looked down on as fluff, all I can say is hallelujah I am free from all of that work! and guilt! Now guess what? I am free to actually be involved in more ministries helping others because I am not worrying about every little imaginable sin I might have to confess. I simply turn to Ou Father and ask Him for His forgiveness in Jesus name and rest in the peace and knowledge that He has already forgiven me and that I am His daughter and nothing and none can take that away!
Thanks, Kelly. This parallels my journey and thoughts in several respects!
“13 When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”
14 They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
15 “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
16 Simon Peter answered, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
17 Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven.
18 And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.
19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
The Eucharist is the greatest treasure of Christianity because it is Jesus Christ Himself. Faith is a treasure! And that treasure is Jesus present in the Eucharist:
“13 When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”
14 They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
15 “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
16 Simon Peter answered, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
17 Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven.
18 And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.
19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
20 Then he warned his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Christ”
For the most up to date conversion stories to Catolicism, visit: WHY IM CATHOLIC: http://www.whyimcatholic.com
…and the Rosary is one of the most important tools I have, and I pray it almost every day….
I’m so happy and grateful that Jesus brought me home – to the Holy and Apostolic Church…
Good, I am glad you have found a sustaining faith which makes you happy 🙂
Dear Anita
I’m sorry about you all negative experiences you had, but I must say that your article just proves how much misunderstanding and emotional bias you have for the teaching of the Church. The understanding of the sin and other theological notions (all are based on Bible – but this is for a separate discussion) is completely wrong and the perception of Catholic Church also is very shallow….
“You are Peter, and on this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. Whatever things you shall bind on earth shall be bound also in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth, they shall be loosed in heaven’ [Matt. 16:19]”
As you know Peter was the first pope and His Church is called Catholic Church:
“There is one God and one Christ, and one Church, and one chair founded on Peter by the word of the Lord. It is not possible to set up another altar or for there to be another priesthood besides that one altar and that one priesthood.” – Cyprian of Carthage
Optatus
“You cannot deny that you are aware that in the city of Rome the episcopal chair was given first to Peter; the chair in which Peter sat, the same who was head—that is why he is also called Cephas [‘Rock’]—of all the apostles; the one chair in which unity is maintained by all” (The Schism of the Donatists 2:2 [A.D. 367]).
There is nowhere such celebration and cumulation of love as during The Holy Eucharist: “At the Last Supper, on the night he was betrayed, our Savior instituted the Eucharistic sacrifice of his Body and Blood. This he did in order to perpetuate the sacrifice of the cross throughout the ages until he should come again, and so to entrust to his beloved Spouse, the Church, a memorial of his death and resurrection: a sacrament of love, a sign of unity, a bond of charity, a Paschal banquet ‘in which Christ is consumed, the mind is filled with grace, and a pledge of future glory is given to us.’
The Eucharist is “the source and summit of the Christian life…The other sacraments, and indeed all ecclesiastical ministries and works of the apostolate, are bound up with the Eucharist and are oriented toward it. For in the blessed Eucharist is contained the whole spiritual good of the Church, namely Christ himself, our Pasch
The Eucharist is the sum and summary of our faith: “Our way of thinking is attuned to the Eucharist, and the Eucharist in turn confirms our way of thinking
I’m so happy to be Catholic and so proude to be…Jesus I trust in You
God bless you
God bless you too.
I am glad you have found a sustaining faith which makes you happy 🙂
Jesus said, “upon this rock” indeed, but it was the rock of Peter’s confession that Jesus is the Christ that his church is built!
I am confused, Anita, that your faith journey has not included the original evangelicals, who spread the truth you quoted from Martin Luther. We are saved by faith, and this is not of ourselves, but a gift of the Holy Spirit, nothing of ourselves, but grace alone! As Lutherans who understand his doctrine of the priesthood of all believers, we are free to enter the very throne room of God, and to minister to each other, even our pastors, as we are called. I think Luther’s understanding of our freedom in Christ led in a straight line to our freedom in America. And we have kept the “mystery of worship.” The worldly views of our culture are resisted by the North American Lutheran Church, and by Lutheran Core. Check it out!
Hi Evangeline, I haven’t really sought out particular churches, just worshipped in the best Evangelical church of whatever town I’ve found myself in–so Presbyterian, Baptist and Anglican. I did check out a Lutheran church for a few Sundays when I lived in Minneapolis, Minnesota, but it didn’t really feel like “home.”
Will keep them on my radar, though.
Thanks for commenting!
“Lutheranism” (Brother Martin would be mortified to learn of the label!) encompasses such a wide stream, sometimes a particular church doesn’t feel like home to me, either. I love our musical heritage, which includes centuries of works composed for use in european cathedrals and chapels, and folk music, a tradition started by Luther himself, who wrote music borrowed from local beer gardens. Many mid western churches were transplanted by agrarian immigrants, and did not even use the English language before WW1. Some local churches offer both traditional worship and more contemporary “Praise Worship.”
Thank you for sharing. I, too, have a pilgrimage lifetime but more in the liberal area of Methodist, then UCC, and now in the Episcopal Church where I am finally at home. Biblical inerrancy as you noted with all your churches in your journey I have not found in any of the churches I have been a part of. In fact, it is definitely not believed in any of the three denominations I have been a part of. I am not arguing with you, simply stating that inerrancy is not in any part of the biblical belief system of Anglicanism. We take it seriously, but we struggle with biblical texts, which are held in tension with reason and tradition. But God speed on your pilgrimage. Forget biblical literalism and any kind of biblical inerrancy. It doesn’t exist.
Thanks, Jack!
Anglicanism has a conservative branch which is pretty inerrantist, and my church belongs to that (in theory, but not in practice).
You capture my heart exactly in this blog Thank you beautiful Anita for possessing the fire and spiritual spunk in order to point out what many of us feel. We are because we seek, We are because we speak, We are because we love.. WE are because of ONE…nice to think that is enough
“WE are because of ONE…nice to think that is enough”
Indeed!
Thanks Mary for visiting!
Growing up Baptist I was taught that man is saved by grace through faith in Christ alone, but salvation by works was implied through countless sermons filled with rules (no drinking, no dancing, no s-e-x, to name a few “big” sins) and qualifiers (Did you pray the “sinner’s prayer?” Translation: Did you follow the prayer rules? … and Were you truly sorry for your sins when you confessed? How sorry is truly?) Well-worn cliches only added to my confusion and fear: “if you can’t “nail down the time and place” (cliche) that you “asked Christ to come into your heart” (cliche), then you’d better come to this altar today. “He comes like a thief in the night” (cliche) and today could be your last opportunity (cliche) … By the time I was 16, I’d “walked the aisle to the altar” three times, but I lost count of the times I lay in my bed and pleaded with God to save me. Oddly, even in those times, I wondered if I was putting my soul in danger by not getting baptized again. As I entered my teen years, my fear of looking like a fool was apparently stronger than my fear of hell because after my third time in the baptismal (oh so embarrassing), I was done.
I loved (and appreciated) your post. You reminded me that I was not / am not alone. It took years and much study to understand what you wrote in another post – that mercy triumphs justice. To understand that grace and mercy are gifts from a Father who wanted me and loves me. I grew up thinking that God (the Father) was the mean one and Jesus was the nice one. (I had no clue about the Spirit of God.) Sometimes still I’ll catch myself wondering if God is mad at me, or too busy for me, or even likes me. In those times, I come back to the Jesus I “encounter in the Gospels,” who reminds me that in seeing Him, I have seen the Father. Faithful God.
Thank you, Della. What a beautiful and interesting comment. I guess legalism knows no denominational boundaries–it’s just a way to control people.
“In those times, I come back to the Jesus I “encounter in the Gospels,” who reminds me that in seeing Him, I have seen the Father.” Lovely! Me too!
Thanks so much, Anita. I agree with you wholeheartedly when you said, “. . . come back to the Jesus you’ll encounter in the Gospels, those simple sparse first century narratives. Come back to the heart of worship.”
I’ve had quite a trip, round robin, around various Protestant denominations and traditions. The most in-depth, recent learning experience I’ve had comes from my years in chaplain training and working as a chaplain in Chicago. Working with others in such immediate, traumatic situations is truly a worshipful experience. It brings me back to the foundation of spirituality, the heart of worship. What can people flee to, when life falls apart? Using the ministry of presence to come alongside of patients, their loved ones, anyone who needs companionship–this is ministry. For me, this is what God calls me to do.
The Ministry of Presence, that’s lovely. I hadn’t heard of it!
I read a book in the last couple of weeks, “Stepping Out in Faith”, about former Catholics telling their stories. Have you heard of it?
My self, I was raised in the Christian Science church. My heart left the church institution when at the age of 12, I was humiliated in public by a Sunday School teacher for not parroting a bit of dogma. I was 12, and couldn’t say something like I believed it that I wasn’t sure I believed.
I was 12, and couldn’t say something like I believed it that I wasn’t sure I believed.
Good for you, LuAnn!
Thanks for sharing this Anita. In recent weeks, I’ve been catching up with the TV series Pilgrimage and Simon Sebag Montefiore’s one on Byzantium. Both show the extremes of veneration of Mary and the saints which you talk about, and which seem so far from what Jesus taught. You’re right to point out that Protestants have their own versions which are equally far.
Yet I also value the contemplative, mystical tradition in Catholicism which gave us Thomas Merton and Taize, and Catholic engagement with social justice. I guess God is too big to fit into one religion – or to be completely excluded from them.
“I also value the contemplative, mystical tradition in Catholicism which gave us Thomas Merton and Taize, and Catholic engagement with social justice. I guess God is too big to fit into one religion – or to be completely excluded from them.”
Yes, me too. Absolutely. I am working on a companion post–50, or maybe 100 things for which I am grateful to Catholicism. And I am probably more Catholic than I realize since I was a Catholic till I was 21–and once a Catholic, always a Catholic, (Catholics say).
Thank-you for the description of your journey. As one who came from being raised in a secular home to becoming Christian via an Evangelical Protestant experience to being Baptist to spending a slight time among Presbyterians and finding myself now an Anglican I definitely appreciate your description of your journey. In Anglicanism we celebrate so much common ground with the ancient church, some of which is preserved in Rome that I know many who have overlooked all these sorts of things. I count Roman Catholics among my brethren but still some of these things I cannot accept and you put a finger on the what and why.
Thanks, Dan.
” I count Roman Catholics among my brethren but still some of these things I cannot accept.”
Yes, me too–definitely on both counts!