• Facebook
  • Twitter

Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

  • Home
  • My Books
  • Essays
  • Contact
  • About Me

My Teenage Rebellion: Trying to become a Nun at Mother Teresa’s Convent!

By Anita Mathias


I have written about the experience here, A Teenage Atheist, and here, The Holy Ground of Kalighat.

Matt of The Church of No People recently asked me some questions about my experience, and I thought I would share them here. The questions in bold are Matt’s.

I’d like to hear what the everyday experience is like being a Christian in India, which makes someone a small minority in that society.
I left India in 1984. While I was there, Catholics were respected: because they ran good schools, colleges, hospitals, orphanages, homes for the handicapped, open to people of all creeds. However, intolerance were becoming evident with “Anti-Conversion Bills” making proselytising illegal. There is more hostility towards Christians now, and making converts (leave alone disciples!) is illegal in several states.
If you can, briefly tell us about why you joined the convent.
I was rebellious as a teenager in Catholic boarding school. During a period of “curfew” after religious riots, I found myself reading the few books in our house which I had not read—Catherine Marshall’s Beyond Ourselves and The Cross and the Switchblade.
I was attracted by the idea of a living relationship with Christ, and committed my life to Him. I simplistically thought the only way to follow him was along the lines of Matthew 25, “Whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me.”
Who did that kind of work? Mother Teresa.
I wrote to her, was accepted, and was in the convent 4 months after my conversion!!
I have written about my conversion experience for Commonweal magazine, reprinted in Phil Zaleski’s Best Spiritual Writing.
Forgive my non-Catholic vocabulary, but what your “title” there – were you a nun?  
I was a postulant. Nuns go through a 6 month aspirancy, a 6 month postulancy, and a 2 year novitiate, before they take their vows for 6 years. After 9 years, they take their final vows.
Anyway, I’d love to hear just a bit about life in a convent, particularly the convent of our time’s most famous nun.
 It followed the ancient Benedictine model, a mixture of work and prayer.
 Since I was still in training, we spent mornings in classes on theology, Scripture and their constitution, and in prayer. We worked in Mother Teresa’s homes in the evenings– in the home for dying destitute, orphans, and the mentally. (I’ve written about my work at Kalighat, the home for dying destitute in Zaleski’s Best Spiritual Writing series.
 The recitation of the Liturgy of the Hours–laud, none, vespers and compline, a melange of psalms and traditional prayers–ring-fenced the day in prayer, In addition, there was Mass; an early morning half-hour of silent meditation on scripture; an hour of “adoration,” or contemplative prayer; and a half hour of spiritual reading. A total of 3.5 hours in various spiritual activities. I did gain much familiarity with Scripture, which has been a blessing to me.
When I was there, 1979-1980, it was a young religious order, and eccentric, shaped by a visionary, who was revered, and apparently unquestioningly obeyed.
One of her dearly-held ideas was that one needed to voluntarily share the hardships of the poorest of the poor to have empathy for them.
The deliberate quest for extreme poverty meant that we were put 25 to a room, and there was a constant time-consuming shifting and re-arranging as the room became a refectory, a classroom, and a dormitory.
There was no running water which meant we spent half an hour every day in a crocodile, drawing buckets of water from the wells and transporting it to the bathrooms and kitchen. We had just 2 sets of white sarees, which meant daily hand-washing…
The food was simple, and nutritious enough, but, another peculiarity, there were large fixed quantities one had to eat, which were quite extreme: 5 chapatis for breakfast, and five ladles of rich for lunch and dinner. After a couple of her sisters caught TB on her original diet of salt and rice, rice and salt, she imposed this as a safeguard against disease.  
Everything, even the pettiest details–subjects to meditate on as one dressed, mending sarees from thread unravelled from scraps– was controlled by rules. It was high-control, almost like a cult, legalistic and judgmental.  After a while, it becomes easier not to think for yourself, and instead do whatever would get you praised, or avoid what would get you judged.
What went into your decision to leave the convent and your faith?  How does someone walk away from such a dedicated faith life?
I saw an image of myself in a train going ever further in the wrong direction, but afraid to get off for fear of looking foolish
We slept at 10, and woke at 4.40 a.m. for church, with a half hour mid-day nap. Since I was 17 when I joined, I was perpetually tired and felt constantly sleep-deprived. Sleep deprivation (used by cults, and authoritarian systems: labour camps, prisons) makes it easy to go along with authority and not question. My first thought on waking and predominant longing was for naps and bedtime. It wasn’t sustainable.
The first three years were a kind of boot-camp, deliberately harsh. The novice-mistresses had complete power over us (one of the vows was obedience) and I struggled with perceived injustice, and the authoritarianism with no recourse of complaint. 
The nervous intensity of prayer, and scripture study and meditation can ironically heighten irritability, and the rub of community life 24/7 with 25 people sharing a medium sized room.  
   
Two people had breakdowns when I was there. One just sat and giggled helplessly. Another was sent home and attempted to jump out from the bars of the train. Leaving the convent once you join was viewed as disgraceful in Indian Catholic society.
And, in fact, my health was shattered, though no one realised this while I was in the convent. I returned home, deeply exhausted, and within the month was diagnosed with both early stage TB and hepatitis!
I was thoroughly exhausted, and in retrospect, it clearly wasn’t my vocation!
 What brought you to the faith you have today?  Did you have the support of Christian friends or family members?
I was a passionate, absorbed student, so faith—in particular, the liturgy, the rituals, the dogma of Catholicism–gradually went limp and lifeless for me.
I earned an undergraduate degree in English at Oxford University, and then did a master’s in Creative Writing at Ohio State University, and some of a Ph.D in Creative Writing at SUNY-Binghamton. A couple of young students on a campus mission came up to me, and asked if I knew Jesus.
My dream then was to be a successful  poet.  Success had evaded me. It was all very uphill–and it struck me that I wasn’t doing too well, managing life on my own. It could only be better if Christ managed it.
But faith had by then sloughed away, and a friend suggested I just do what Jesus said and see if worked. Well I did, it did; I was surrounded by little miracles, and I recommitted myself to following Jesus.
My goal now is to live as a contemplative in the world
The Christian imperatives which Jesus with his Gordian-knot-slashing directness reduced to two–to wholly love God  and to love your neighbor as yourself–remain the same. There is just more distraction. Without the traditional monastic disciplines- prayer, meditation, adoration, the liturgy of the hours, and “spiritual reading– it takes ingenuity to carve for myself a circle of silence to feed on Christ and Scripture and to live contemplatively, remembering Jesus not only amid the beauty and tranquillity of my garden, my writing, and my books, but in the crucible of marriage, motherhood, domesticity, and the busyness of everyday. The demands of unselfishness remain constant, without the convent’s periodic sanctioned escape into the sacred ivory spaces of psalmody and song. In fact, I now consider domesticity, marriage, and motherhood a smithy in which the soul can be forged as painfully, as beautifully, as amid the splendid virginal solitudes of the convent.

More from my site

  • The Process of Sanctification: A Guest Post by Kris CamealyThe Process of Sanctification: A Guest Post by Kris Camealy
  • Brutus, the Honourable Dog (From my memoir-in-progress, Up to the Hills)     Brutus, the Honourable Dog (From my memoir-in-progress, Up to the Hills)
  • On Pol Pot, Cambodia’s Killing Fields, and the Power of an Idea to Transform–or Destroy. (In Cambodia with Tearfund)On Pol Pot, Cambodia’s Killing Fields, and the Power of an Idea to Transform–or Destroy. (In Cambodia with Tearfund)
  • In which Change can come like Magic and Miracles, or through Grace-and-Sweat In which Change can come like Magic and Miracles, or through Grace-and-Sweat
  • On Loving That Which Love You BackOn Loving That Which Love You Back
Share this...
Share on Facebook
Facebook
Tweet about this on Twitter
Twitter

Filed Under: random

« Previous Post
Next Post »

Comments

  1. Anita says

    April 20, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Dan and Sherrey! 🙂

  2. Anita says

    April 20, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Hi Mollie,
    Thanks much. I love Brother Lawrence too. What an inspiration!!

  3. Miss Mollie says

    April 19, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    An interesting story, some insight to the famous nun. I think in our intense fervor as teenagers to live a faith, that kind of life holds appeal, but is not sustainable. You were brave to leave as I surmised that brought shame. I was excited to see you lived near where I'm from- Ohio and New York. I try to live as Brother Lawrence, among the pots and pans,Deuteronomy 6 in raising my girls. You said it very well.

  4. Sherrey says

    April 19, 2012 at 6:15 am

    Anita, beautiful imagery in your last paragraph and your life choices. Amazingly courageous teenager and young woman shows through here. Thanks for sharing!

  5. Sherrey says

    April 19, 2012 at 6:15 am

    Anita, beautiful imagery in your last paragraph and your life choices. Amazingly courageous teenager and young woman shows through here. Thanks for sharing!

  6. Dan says

    April 18, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    The demands of a(ny) life as “a smithy in which the soul can be forged”–vivid image for a powerful story.

  7. Anita says

    April 18, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Thanks much, Bob!

  8. bob says

    April 18, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I love your closing paragraph. You could put insert your life here instead as a view into the life the Lord intends to bring us through. hank you.

Sign Up and Get a Free eBook!

Sign up to be emailed my blog posts (one a week) and get the ebook of "Holy Ground," my account of working with Mother Teresa.

Join 636 Other Readers

Follow me on Twitter

Follow @anitamathias1

Anita Mathias: About Me

Anita Mathias

Read my blog on Facebook

My Books

Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

Wandering Between Two Worlds - Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

Francesco, Artist of Florence - Amazom.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

The Story of Dirk Willems

The Story of Dirk Willems - Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk
Premier Digital Awards 2015 - Finalist - Blogger of the year
Runner Up Christian Media Awards 2014 - Tweeter of the year

Recent Posts

  •  On Not Wasting a Desert Experience
  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
  • Trust: A Message of Christmas
  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
  • “An Autobiography in Five Chapters” and Avoiding Habitual Holes  
  • Shining Faith in Action: Dirk Willems on the Ice
  • The Story of Dirk Willems: The Man who Died to Save His Enemy

Categories

What I’m Reading

Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance
Barak Obama

Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance- Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

H Is for Hawk
Helen MacDonald

H Is for Hawk - Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Tiny Habits
B. J. Fogg

  Tiny Habits  - Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

The Regeneration Trilogy
Pat Barker

  The Regeneration Trilogy  - Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Archive by month

INSTAGRAM

anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
Load More… Follow on Instagram

© 2020 Dreaming Beneath the Spires · All Rights Reserved. · Cookie Policy · Privacy Policy

»
«