Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

Confessing One Another’s Sins

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I heard a detailed and passionate confession of my sins yesterday.

Except I didn’t make it.
* * *

Years ago, Roy and I went through a process of discipleship with our friend, Paul, who would speak to us weekly, separately.
He’d ask, “So how are you, Anita?”
And I’d say, “Oh, Roy was really difficult. He said… He did… He…
And Paul would ask, “Anita, are you confessing Roy’s sins?”
And I would say, “But Roy… If only Roy…”
And Paul would say, “Anita, resign as the fourth member of the Trinity.”
* * *
Paul founded a couple of ministries, World Harvest Mission among them. WHM has this description of gossip, “Confessing Other People’s Sins.”
That’s what it is, isn’t it?
* * *
It’s a red light when I or you find myself preoccupied with someone else’s sins, when a church is preoccupied with analysing their pastor’s weaknesses.
What uncomfortable realisations about ourselves are we keeping at bay?
Our unerring analysis of our leader’s weaknesses, of other church members’ weaknesses, of our family members’ weaknesses gives us an easy, unearned sense of moral superiority.
BUT, they take the time which should be given to the painful but intensely creative work of repentance. Intensely creative, because in repentance, WE change, and our life changes in exciting ways.
* * *
We all have people or actions we are accustomed to passionately judge. Often by doing this we keep uncomfortable realisations about ourselves at bay. We project our discomfort with ourselves onto others, and by finding a worse sinner or sin, unconsciously hope to feel better about ourselves.
I think when I find myself doing this, I am going to Stop, Drop, Repent.
Because I daily fall short as a follower of Christ. There is more energy and creativity in asking “How am I going to repent, and ask God for grace to change–today?”
A far more creative thought than confessing one another’s sins.

Being an Entrepreneur and Being a Christian?

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Just watched The Social Network.

You know, Roy and I love entrepreneurship, really enjoy it, but are always reining back our natural entrepreneurial instincts because we are Christians.
You know…those who seek wealth piercing themselves with many griefs, the love of money being the root of all evil, not being able to serve two masters: God and Mammon.
Is there a natural opposition between being a Christian and being an extremely wealthy entrepreneur? Would being the latter steal one’s heart from the love and pursuit of God?
We’re not extremely wealthy, of course, or even particularly wealthy, but also have deliberately kept our company small so that we have free time to think, to pray, to enjoy Scripture, family and friends. And creativity, gardening, travel, nature and our animals.
So, to come back to my question, what do you think? Would being a successful entrepreneur, and the ownership of a large company conflict with one’s love and pursuit of God?

The Seventeenth Century Nun’s Prayer

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LORD,
Thou knowest better than I know myself
that I am growing older and will someday be old.
Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something
on every subject and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs.
Make me thoughtful but not moody,
helpful but not bossy.
With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all,
but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details;
give me wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips on my aches and pains.
They are increasing, and a love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others’ pains,
but help me to endure them with patience.
I dare not ask for improved memory,
but for a growing humility and a lessing cocksureness when my memory
seems to clash with the memories of others.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint –
some of them are so hard to live with –
but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil.
Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places,
and talents in unexpected people.
And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.
AMEN.
Don’t know the provenance of this lovely prayer. I doubt it’s 17th century, sounds too modern, but lovely all the same!

Faith as a Game of Chicken

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Faith takes guts.

We need to step out on the waters in faith, believing that they will sustain us, and we will not sink.

This can be true in things like giving time or money, out of one’s lack.

It can also be true, when you hear God’s directions to take on a big project–writing, blogging, or fasting.

Will I have the strength to do it? Will I succeed?

We just need to go on, step by step, trusting in God’s strength, minute by minute, trusting we will not sink.

Facebook, Blogs, Twitter and the Writers’ Brain

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I first joined Facebook in 2009. It was my third year of working in a small business I had founded, and the third year in which I had not written at all, and had barely read books.

My writing fingers had atrophied. My creativity, energy and passion were flowing into the business.
Writing is a habit, and I had lost it. My mind was inhabited by spreadsheets, pounds, dollars, euros, instead of shapely sentences.
But, surely, there was something interesting in my day?
I committed to write one facebook status update a day, observing what there was to observe–the blond ponytailed workman building our conservatory, sunset, the garden, my collie, my ducks and rabbits, my children, my husband, what they cooked, my progress in decluttering my house. Some of the status updates, no doubt, were boring and repetitive, but I didn’t care.
Rilke says that the meanest, most confined life should be able to yield poetry. And if it does not, don’t blame it, blame yourself. Realize that you are not enough of a poet to bring from poetry from your every day life.
How put a complex thought or experience or insight into 420 characters? It took work–and creativity.
Soon however, my brain changed. I knew instinctively what I could get into 420 characters, what to edit out, when I was reaching it. I could write a funny little, or elegant little status in 420 characters effortlessly.
* * *
Then a friend introduced me to his friend as the composer of elegant Facebook statuses. Ouch! Is that what I had come to?
Roy protested, “What’s the sense in taking all this time to make money for Facebook, through their ads? Stick your statuses on a blog, stick on some google ads, and make some money for yourself.”
And when the time was right, I attempted that, and found blogging so enjoyable in itself that I rapidly lost interest in Google ads, and soon stripped them off.
And now, and now…. I think in blog posts. I see experience in terms of blog posts. I cast my thoughts in blog posts–beginning, middle, end. It’s like viewing life through blog glasses (rosy-coloured blog glasses).
And, with experience, I can write blog posts rapidly, in just the right voice for a blog post. About 15-20 minutes for a post, plus revisions. (I took typing classes in my twenties, and that is paying off!).
* * *

What about Twitter? What would becoming really active on Twitter do my brain? I know I would begin thinking in 140 characters.  And would I unconsciously not pursue complex thoughts, which I could not reduce to 140 characters?

Twitter is an invaluable tool for writers–it teaches you elegance, succinctness and clear thinking in 140 characters.

But, occasionally, like J. Alfred Prufrock, we’ll just have to lament, “I have measured out my life in coffee spoons” of sentences.

And will our activity in social media–blogging, facebook and twitter diminish our capacity for the concentrated thought necessary for essays or longer books? We are living in the middle of an unfolding experiment, and will just have to wait and see!!

1001 Gifts: # 2. NOT being busy

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Gosh, this is something I so enjoy everyday. Not being busy!! Being able to go through my day calmly and quietly knowing there is not much that is pressing which has to be done, and that there will be time to do everything.

We were so busy for about 4 years while Roy worked full time as a Professor and Deputy Head of Applied Maths, and I worked on the business that we really, really appreciate the slower pace now.
Time to make bread, casseroles and roasts. Time to garden, and plant a gargantuan vegetable garden. Time to keep in touch with the girls’ homework. Time to pray.
Oh Lord, help me never to be busy again!

The Pruning of the Fruitful Branch

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John 15 1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunesa]”>[a] so that it will be even more fruitful.”


You know, this always struck me as unfair. Why should the branch which is fruitful already be pruned?

I thought of “pruning” as painful suffering inflicted on those already fruitful.

But really, it is sharpening one’s focus and removing the extraneous for increased fruitfulness.
                                                                        * * *

I have struggled all my life with focusing on just one thing. I suppose I’ve always had a multitude of interests, and wanted to see everything, do everything, experience everything. I knew this would cut back on achieving goals in any one area, but I guess I just wanted to have it all.

Also, I had not fallen totally in love with any one thing, any one area of work, so much so that I was willing to focus on just that to the detriment of other things.
                                                                           * * *

And suddenly, I find I have.

I find myself totally fascinated by writing, and thoroughly enjoying blogging.

And so I am pruning my life. I blogged about giving up learning French with my tutor, handing over my hour of French conversation to Irene.

I belonged to a congenial group called Writers in Oxford for six and half years, well, every since we moved here. We have two social and literary evenings a month. Well, I am finally cancelling my membership. Why? Because, to be honest, I would rather stay home and read and write, though I do enjoy parties thoroughly.

I used to go to cocktail evenings, garden parties, gaudies and dinners at my old College, Somerville, and more and more. I find I couldn’t be bothered.

My daughters are highly disapproving at what they view as excessive focus on blogging and writing to the detriment of what I once enjoyed. But I really am not becoming a recluse. I get together with friends at least twice a week, sometimes three or four times. I just find conversation one on one, or with a couple, or small group so much more rewarding than going to big noisy parties, or alumni gatherings at which one may not see the same people each time.

Besides, blogging brings new friends, some of whom have become good friends. Blogging also deepens relationships with people I previously knew slightly from church or Oxford, who now know me very well because they read my blog. This becomes obvious when we get together–they already know what I’ve been up to,and the emotional, spiritual and creative contours of the previous months!!

And after seven and a half years in Oxford, I have made a number of friends. My emotional tanks are full. Making time to see the friends I have already made and to deepen our relationships is more important to me than going to parties to make many more superficial relationships. And I really don’t have much time for small talk.
                                                                                      * * *

Yes, after years of writing, I find I am captivated by it, and am willing to prune things to have more hours to write. To be even more fruitful.

And I guess blogging has a lot to do with really enjoying writing. I enjoy giving stray thoughts words and form and pressing publish. Other than blogging, there really is no form or venue appropriate for random stray thoughts and experiences, is there?

What are you really enjoying at the moment?


The Paradox Project: Gaining by Losing. #1

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Me and Jake, the Collie, yesterday, in our living room


In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul tells us about a man, who received visions and revelations from the Lord, was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things and surpassingly great revelations. (Erm, hint, it was Paul himself!)

He goes on to write, Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Do you have a weakness, a thorn in your flesh?
I do.
When I was 16, and weighed 116 pounds, I thought it was my weight. Yeah, I thought I was fat at 5′ 2″ and 116 pounds, and so did my parents and classmates.
Then I entered Mother Teresa’s convent wanting to become a nun, where, to prevent illness, and excessive fasting, there were fixed quantities of food one had to eat. 5 chapatis for breakfast (with oil, donated by US Aid) poured on top of them for breakfast, and 5 ladles of rice for lunch and dinner. I left 14 months later weighing 121.
Stayed at home, reading, waiting to go to college. 126.
Went on to college, and graduate school. Got married in 1989 weighing 140.
The pill didn’t work for me. Gained 27 pounds the first year of marriage, partly because I spent it sitting and reading. About 20 for each pregnancy. And then another 20 after resuming a sedentary life of blogging, reading and writing.
And so yesterday, I step on the scales, which I have been avoiding for months, while the tightening of clothes told their own tale. Yikes, we’ll have our 22 wedding anniversary next month, and I have gained 86.5 pounds in the course of our marriage. Yes, it’s true. And here is my wedding picture.

 

wedding photo

And I suppose, if I do nothing, I will steadily go on gaining weight.

Heaven forbid.
Don Miller here writes about losing more than 150 pounds.
He writes, “It’s been an incredible journey.” He tells us of it in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. He was fat, something like 190 pounds overweight–a fact which, in a sense, defined his life. He had tried to lose weight–but lacked the motivation. In a sense, he could not see “a story” in which he was thin.
Then he meets a girl, who gives off no friendly signals. He asks her if she would like to hike the Inca trail to Macchu Piccu (gruelling, 14,000 feet up, then down again, then 12,000 feet up, down again) challenging even for those in peak physical condition–and you need to be in peak physical condition to attempt it.
She agrees. They commit to going with a group. And Donald Miller is like 190 pounds overweight!!
Suddenly, he has a story. And if he doesn’t lose weight and get fit, it ends in tragedy.
So he goes to a gym, gets a sympathetic trainer, and loses over 150 pounds.
* * *
Yesterday, I wrote a list: Why do I want to lose weight?
And you know, I found some reasons, but none were truly compelling. I could sign up for the Milford Trail, the Appalachian Trail (and have walked some of both of these) or the Inca Trail, but, you know, walking for much more than an hour at a stretch bores me. Yeah, sorry, but it’s true.
But without a story, without seeing the beginning, the middle and the end, without a tangible goal, I am unlikely to persist for more than a few weeks.
* * *
About ten years ago, I published an article on prayer in The Christian Century. And then, I was asked to speak at a women’s breakfast, a women’s banquet, to women’s groups. And I spoke on….Prayer.
Prayer is indeed one of the great experiences and adventures of my life.
But, one might ask, and many women will ask, Why can’t she pray her 86.5 pounds off? (Nov 1st, 2015, it’s now 76.2 pounds, progress.)
Why not indeed?
* * *
Perhaps I need what Don Miller calls “an inciting incident.” Perhaps I need a story.
So I guess, I am going to write one. Create one.
Chart–on this blog–my attempts to lose weight with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength. Through prayer, fasting, exercise, and a healthier diet.
I am going to report on my success weekly on Mondays, and occasionally through the week. (Tagged The Paradox Project, if you’d like to steer clear of any such post!:)
I anticipate spiritual growth in the process, as well as physical shrinkage, and will report on both.
Do follow me 🙂 More tomorrow.