Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

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Archives for 2012

The Risk of Birth, An Advent Poem by Madeleine L’Engle

By Anita Mathias

This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war & hate
And a comet slashing the sky to warn
That time runs out & the sun burns late.

That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour & truth were trampled by scorn-
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.

When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by a comet the sky is torn-
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.

Filed Under: random

When Dreams Come True: Or Martin Luther King’s Dream Was Not Wild Enough

By Anita Mathias

As a teenager, the American Jesuits at Xavier Labour Relations Institute, Jamshedpur, where my father taught, lent me an anthology of Great American Speeches to prepare for elocution competions. And so I memorized Frederick Douglass’ brilliant, “What to the slave is the Fourth of July,” (1854) and Martin Luther King’s equally brilliant, “I have a dream” which has been ringing in my ears this week.

* * *

 In 1963, 49 years ago, Martin Luther King addressed 250,000 civil rights supporters from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

We’ve come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the “unalienable Rights” of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.”

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we’ve come to cash this check .

And 45 years later, by electing and re-electing a Black President to the White House, American made reality of a dream beyond King’s very, very modest dream, which he described:

I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

 I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

 * * *

To me, as a minority American citizen (I lived there for 17 years!) watching from England, the 2008 and 2012 elections were profoundly redemptive. Like many people, I could hardly hold back my tears.

I watched America toss into the dustbin of history the shameful legacy of slavery, which Frederick Douglass graphically described in his great speech “The Meaning of July Fourth for the Negro” “What, am I to argue that it is wrong to make men brutes, to rob them of their liberty, to work them without wages, to keep them ignorant of their relations to their fellow men, to beat them with sticks, to flay their flesh with the lash, to load their limbs with irons, to hunt them with dogs, to sell them at auction, to sunder their families, to knock out their teeth, to burn their flesh, to starve them into obedience and submission to their mastcrs? Must I argue that a system thus marked with blood, and stained with pollution, is wrong?” 

I watched white men and women, along with black men and women who had been legally discriminated against in the segregated South and had been largely disenfranchised until the 1965 Voting Rights Act, vote not once but twice for a Black President, to the joy of the watching world.

And within living memory of the brutalities of the civil rights movement, I watched Americans elect as President of the United States of America a black man called Barack Hussein Obama, whose name recalled two of America’s greatest recent enemies, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, a name that should have been a non-starter in American-politics!

There were some white faces in the crowd who listened to Martin Luther King, perhaps 5%. And in the crowd who listened to Barack Obama’s re-election speech? Over 50%. You’ve come a long way, America!

As I realized last week  during my wonderful stay in a Christian community in Germany, nations can change. They can reinvent themselves, just as individuals can.

* * *

I watched my 18 year old daughter, Zoe, fill out her absentee ballot for Barack Hussein Obama,

And when the election results were analysed the next day, I was proud of the way our family voted.

I’m guessing most people vote for the candidate whose policies, in their estimation, most benefit themselves and their families.

These were the groups who predominantly voted for Obama. Blacks (94%), Asians (74%), Latinos (73%), and Jews (69%).  However, whites still make up 72% of the electorate, and without their support, Obama would not have won. 41% of whites voted for a black President. And this would have been beyond Martin Luther King’s wildest dreams. No wonder, as the results rolled in, so many were tearful.

Blacks, Latinos, Asians and Jews. Who else voted for Barack Hussein Obama? Women: 55%. Young people 18-29: 60%. Those in the lowest income bracket (below $50,000): 60%.

Romney did best among whites, especially men, especially those over 65, especially those earning more than $100,000, and with a college degree.

 * * *

Karl Barth famously said, “Take your Bible and take your newspapers, and read both.”   Rowan Williams repeated Barth’s advice for his successor, “You have to be cross-referencing all the time”

And so when I read of the people who elected Barack Obama, I thought of the support base of David, the King of Israel who was most after God’s heart.  “All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their commander.” (1 Samuel 22:2)

I thought of the support base of Jesus, people who were “harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” “Have any of the rulers or of the Pharisees believed in him? No! But this mob that knows nothing of the law is accursed.” (John 7:48). “The large crowd listened to him with delight.” (Mark 12:37). “The people were delighted with all the wonderful things he was doing,” (Luke 13:17).

Yeah, I was kind of glad our family voted for the candidate supported by ethnic minorities, by women, and by groups with somewhat lower education and income, and whose policies are in their estimate, most likely to “make justice roll down like a river”.

I am glad Americans voted in someone perceived to be good news to the poor. And I believe he will be a great American president.

* * *

In fact, ironically, Martin Luther King’s big dream was not big enough. Having a black President in the White House would have seemed an impossible dream in 1963, in an era of legalized segregation and discrimination, when hundreds of thousands of African-American were denied the vote though literacy tests (administered by whites, which even the literate “failed,”) poll taxes or physical violence

But perhaps King foresaw more than he could have credibly shared. The last lines of his last speech on April 3rd, 1968 the night before he was assassinated are powerful and prophetic.

We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop.

And I don’t mind.

Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

And so I’m happy, tonight.

I’m not worried about anything.

I’m not fearing any man!

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!!

 * * *

All our eyes are seeing glory–the glory of nations, America, Germany, Britain, transcending their dark histories, forgetting the sin and shame of the past, moving forward to the day when in the words of the prophet Amos quoted in Martin Luther King’s great “I have a Dream” speech, “justice shall roll down like a river, and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

Filed Under: random Tagged With: Barack Obama, Civil Rights, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King

Letter to a Young Writer (My Essay from “Letters to Me,” Edited by Dan Schmidt)

By Anita Mathias

LTM cover pdf

Letters to Me

I have an essay in Letters to Me: Conversations with a Younger Self. The other contributors include Brian McLaren, Kristin Ritzau, Tamara Lunardo, Lore Ferguson, Shawn Smucker, and Penny Nash–a total of 20 writers.

Writers remember something that happened when they were between 18 and 30, and then send a letter to themselves about that event. With the benefit of hindsight and reflection, they warn, challenge, and encourage a younger self facing a problem at work, a budding relationship, an important decision, an unexpected development…

And here’s my essay

A Letter to a Young Writer

Hi Anita,

Late one evening when you were twenty-one, as you were praying about your future, you began writing poetry. Eight poems in an evening in an ecstatic rush. So you believed that writing was your calling, your vocation, and you were not wrong.

The next week, you entered a creative writing competition for students—and won.

And so you settled on that most romantic of dreams. You decided to become a writer.

* * *

And you will now look up publishers, daydream about your first published book. Ignoring the little fact that you don’t yet have a subject you are in love with. That you haven’t yet written the book!

The dream of early success comes true for some. Scott Fitzgerald published his best-selling book, This Side of Paradise, when he was twenty-four.

But for those with a human, rather than a genius-sized gift, it takes years to master an art. Ars Longa, Vita Brevis, Horace observed, which Chaucer plaintively rendered as “Life is so short, and the craft takes so long to learn”  In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell estimates that it takes 10,000 hours of deliberate practice—ten years of twenty hour weeks—to master an art.

10,000 hours! And it takes that long in the school of living to learn the lyrics and melody of the unique song you have to sing to the world. So learn to love the act of writing as much as the pleasure of accomplishing your writing dreams.

* * *

There are ultimately just two ways to become a writer—saturation reading, and lots of writing.

Other things help—good teachers, constructive criticism, a literary community, connections, encouragement, leisure to write–but these are secondary.

So read, read, read.  Saturation reading is the swiftest way to improve as a writer, but follow your bliss, as well as reading “the best that has been thought and said.” The most tasty fish and fowl are free-range. It’s the same with writers. What we read shapes who we become. And what we write.

And if reading proves difficult in a world of too-much distraction, be a judoka. Use the strength of your opponent to achieve your own purposes. Listen to books on tape, and you’ll subliminally pick up rhythm, pacing, style, and you’ll find that your writing will flow more easily.

* * *

Keep writing, every day you can. A writer writes. Flaubert wisely says, “Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.”

Develop a good schedule—prayer, scripture, exercise, reading, writing, gardening—instead of a long chain of procrastination before you begin writing. Wake earlier to increase your chance of getting work done.

* * *

Teachers are a  great shortcut, so that each writer need not re-invent the wheel. They point out ugliness, absurdity, sentimentality, and awkwardness before your ear has evolved enough to spot them yourself. They might show you your blind spots. They teach clever rhetorical tricks, and suggest writers to read who are like beacons further along the winding way, whose words take an axe to the frozen spring within you.

If you have an unkind teacher, however, they waste time by destroying your self-confidence, and making you self-conscious, so that you look at your fingers rather than listen to the music, and half-believe you know nothing at all.

Not everyone who has failed wishes you to succeed. The successful are not necessarily cheerleaders. There is a fine line between a mentor and a tormentor.

So take the criticism of teachers with a grain of salt, always listening to your inner voice, your inner wisdom, which intuitively knows the book you both want to write and can write.

Advice is a double-edged sword. Accept no advice without praying through it. For the most important, the vital voice you need to learn to hear is your heavenly Father’s.

* * *

Keep experimenting to find your unique voice, subject matter and form, something which you absolutely love. Finding this will slow down publication and success, but it will be deeper, last longer, and be more satisfying because of that.

Listen to your intuition, and write the book you want to write, even if it means self-publishing when your vision diverges from an editor’s.

* * *

Naturally, like all young writers, you will long for validation. Orwell rightly observes, This is one of the reasons writers write—Sheer egoism. Desire to seem clever, to be talked about, to be remembered after death, to get your own back on the grown-ups who snubbed you in childhood, etc.

And the world will be full of the tempting Turkish Delight of distractions. Magazines will have essay prizes; state and national arts boards will have fellowships; writers’ conferences will have scholarships for promising young writers; writers’ colonies will offer you an Arcadian idyll with lunch brought to your door, and organic suppers eaten with other artists and writers. Writing is a pyramid scheme, and so those further along the way will host classes and workshops and seminars, which will lure you with helpful criticism and praise so sweet that you will forget your tuition has partly bought it.

Time spent achieving this external validation, “playing writer,” is not entirely wasted. Your writing will sharpen; you’ll meet other writers and learn from them; you’ll be offered some useful (and some useless) criticism; and your self-confidence, that invaluable tool for a writer, will grow.

But amid this Vanity Fair of Distractions,  remember the 10,000 hour rule. Keep reading. Keep writing.  Don’t let the quest for validation distract you from the quest for mastery. For as you apply for fellowships, prizes, and grants, a few showcase chapters can get perfected, while the rest of the manuscript languishes.  Oh, privilege the first draft. Keep it moving.

* * *

As a young person seeking an unusual path, you will be tempted to seek “justification by writing”—glory and impressive achievement to slip into conversation to explain what you spend your time doing.  But remember that if you seek validation through the addictive drug of success, you will need more and more of it, for yesterday’s glories soon become yesterday’s news.

How much better to just relax and be yourself, and be liked and accepted for who you are, not what you do. To enjoy people without needing to impress them.

Remember that success will not have the haemoglobin or oxygen your heart needs. For that, you will need to soak in the love of the Father, and have his love strengthen and heal you. And validate you.

* * *

While you log your 10,000 hours towards mastery, share your ideas and experiences.  And the evolving world might offer a venue to do this which will be known by a strange word: Blogging. Blogging, writing to be read quickly and easily will teach you things that writing in hermetical isolation will not. You’ll develop a writing style which is easy to read. You’ll learn what speaks to people. You’ll be challenged and rebutted and so grow as a thinker, Christian, and writer.

The discipline of daily blogging will teach you to write swiftly and to slay the dragon of perfectionism. And blogging will bring the affirmation which counts–people who actually read your work, and return to read it, again and again. And other precious jewels—daily practice in putting your thoughts into words, stimulation, creative breakthrough, increasing confidence, connections and friendships.

* * *

Henry James famously said, “If one desires to do the best one can with one’s pen, there is one word you must inscribe upon your banner, and that word is Loneliness.”‘

You need solitude, quietness and focus to think and write. But excessive work can lead to burn-out, staleness, loneliness and lowered motivation.  As an extrovert, and human being, you also need friendship and  social support. Besides, friendship introduces you to the real stories being written in people’s lives, and informs and inspires your writing.

Keep a balance between times spent in solitude and time with friends.

* * *

You will hear that connections are the third wing of the writer’s life: reading, writing and connections. And yes, writing friends can suggest books to read, give you honest feedback, provide inspiration and open doors.

But never cultivate connections for selfish advantage. Seek friendship instead. Seek out those you find interesting, who you like and enjoy.  Then the good things friendship brings will be accidental and incidental to the goodness of friendship itself, which as the magisterial C.S. Lewis writes in “The Inner Ring,” “causes perhaps half of all the happiness in the world.”

* * *

Sometimes, connections lead to the fairy tale of the literary life–discovery by fairy godmothers: an editor and an agent. The fairy-tale wedding of publication. Happily ever after.

Don’t count on it.

Instead, write the book you really want to write, which is called forth by all the circumstances of your life and experience. Do not waste time hustling. Trust God to find a way for your words to reach the world.

For good writing is magnetic. It leaps off the page, makes its own connections, its own magic. First, write the rabbit for the magicians to flourish.

Christianity, your faith, is a fairy tale filled with reversals, redemption, and happiness ever after. And you will see a fairy tale unfold in your writing life, because a good God who loves you and called you to write is drafting the script, not you. And that fairy tale will include the archetypal element of surprise.

* * *

God made you a writer, and when you write you feel his pleasure. So don’t surrender your writing, should the time of babies and domesticity come.  Put first things first, but don’t altogether sacrifice second things, your writing.  Keep it as a little private secret Kingdom you can retreat to.

Which means you will live with tension. You will not mother perfectly; the house will not be perfectly organised; the writing not perfect, either. You will make peace with good-enough.

And the tensions of these years will drive you to your Saviour.

 

But eventually, children grow up. Domestic discipline is learned. And once you are at peace with God and man, words will flow easily, like honey. And tidiness and domestic order will subliminally help your creativity.

* * *

Do not feel guilty about writing when the church wants you to take meals to the sick members, pour coffee at women’s breakfasts, or work in the crèche.

Writing is a calling no less valid.  Learn to lean on your heavenly Father, and let His creative power flow through you. Entrust your writing to God. The great laws of the spiritual life operate in writing too: Do not be afraid. Trust in the Father. Hang in there as a branch in the vine.

Creativity is a gift from God which he willingly pours on all who ask for it. Keep asking for more and more of it.

* * *

Your life is a story being written by God.

He intended you to write long before you even thought of it, and wants you to write as much as you want to.

He has lovely things in mind for you to write, which you have not yet dreamed of.

He knows the lives you will touch through your writing, people you do not yet know.

He has the perfect blueprint for the writing life you so desperately longed for.

And He says, “Come, my writer. Sharpen your senses to discern my plot.

Think not of former things. See, I am doing a new thing; do you not perceive it?

Come, dance with Me in fresh woods and pastures new.”

 

Warmly,

Your doppelganger,

Anita

 

Anita Mathias has written Wandering Between Two Worlds (Benediction Classics, 2007), and blogs at Dreaming Beneath the Spires, http://dreamingbeneaththespires.blogspot.co.uk/.

Anita has a B.A. in English from Somerville College, Oxford University and an M.A. in Creative Writing from the Ohio State University. Her essays have appeared in The Washington Post, The London Magazine, Commonweal, America, The Christian Century, and The Best Spiritual Writing anthologies. She has won fellowships from The National Endowment for the Arts and The Minnesota State Arts Board

 

Anita lives in Oxford, England with her husband, Roy, and daughters, Zoe and Irene. Follow her on Twitter at AnitaMathias1.

Filed Under: Writing and Blogging Tagged With: writing

Anita’s Superlatives: I am Travelling, Museuming, Reading, Going Vegan

By Anita Mathias

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View from the Chemin de la Corniche (Luxembourg)

I’ve had an amazing week. And here are some superlatives.

Travel–Enjoyed a week at His Place, in Saarland, Germany run by the loving German Community Without Walls. A beautiful, restful and warm place with delicious healthy food. Loved it.

Luxembourg—Luxembourg City is gorgeous, and literally on a gorge. Enjoyed the staggering views, and the buildings built on a rock. I could have spent a couple more days there, just wandering around… Next time.

Wayne Negrini—Greatly enjoyed the hyper-energetic, larger-than-life, warm-hearted wise founder of the Community Without Walls, who spent several hours talking to us over a couple of evenings. He is as knowledgeable about natural health and healing as about the things of the Spirit.

And ladies and gentlemen, I intend to gradually educate myself about the former as much as the latter

The Eat to Live Programme—Part of my problem with weight loss is that I could never hear clearly from God as to what diet to follow. And I guess I needed to repent of and renounce seeking comfort or stress-relief or highs in food rather than God.

Well, I have done that, so was in a right place when Wayne suggested the Eat to Live programme by John Fuhrman M.D.  lending us some videos on it. It’s a low-carb vegan diet. I have been vegetarian before, for long periods of time, but never low-carb vegetarian, and never vegan.

But this diet (unlimited fruits, vegetables, beans, legumes, and limited nuts and seeds) is doing wonders for me so far. Some weight lost easily, and I find I need remarkably less sleep, my mind is clearer, and my ability to think and concentrate is vastly increased.

Zoe and Roy who both independently wanted to go vegetarian are on it too. Irene burst into tears at the thought of it, as she loves meat and dairy, but so far, she’s enjoying the creative vegetarian food, and  we’ve told her to eat up on meat and diary at her school lunches!

Pre-Raphaelites at the Tate—A glorious exhibition, including many paintings from private collections.

Best Blog Post I’ve Read This Week.

Loved this post by Glennon Melton in which her husband tells her The News, and she’s suddenly a single mom. My philosophy of blogging is a little like hers, but being American and Californian, she goes much further in openness, honesty and self-revelation.

Glennon says: A life well lived is one lived in the light.  I learned long ago that living a secret life doesn’t work for me. To be healthy and sane —to feel safe—I have to live out loud. There is a saying in recovery: we are sick as our secrets. I refuse to be sick again. So I have to share my truth with you. 

“I only know as much of myself as I have the courage to reveal to you,”  John Powell wrote. The best  blogs I think come out of a relentless pushing towards honesty and truthfulness.

Best passage from an audiobook

We listened to “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” on our way back from Germany. Loved this description of how sanctification works.

The selfish Eustace is turned into a dragon, his animagus or daemon. Then Aslan, the Christ-Lion leads him to a well.

The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don’t know if he said any words out loud or not.

“I was just going to say that I couldn’t undress because I hadn’t any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that’s what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.

“But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that’s all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I’ll have to get out of it too. So 1 scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.

“Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

“Then the lion said” – but I don’t know if it spoke – “You will have to let me undress you.” I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.


“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on – and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again.’

I am in a mid-life process of revising my daily life, schedule, work habits and rhythms, and making them more beautiful, more godly, more monastic if you like.

Some things I can sort of do on my own—put on Rescue Time or Antisocial to avoid internet distraction when I write; wake earlier; exercise; tidy up.

For some things, like eating when stressed or sad or bored or frustrated, a habit I formed decades ago, I need help.

And sometimes, the help Aslan/Jesus gives can hurt at first, but then, it feels so good.

Filed Under: In which I chase the wild goose of the Holy Spirit, In which I get serious about health and diet and fitness and exercise (really) Tagged With: Eat to Live, Germany, Luxembourg, PreRaphaelites, Veganism

Most Popular Posts in October on Dreaming Beneath the Spires

By Anita Mathias

Doc5 new BLOG title script pdfAnd here are the most read posts this month on Dreaming Beneath the Spires. Sorry, a couple are a bit controversial!!

Trying to move my blog from Blogger to WordPress was my own private Hurricane, and I am now trying to get properly back into blogging!

1 On Vaughan Roberts’ Interview and the Case for Gay Christian Marriage.

 2 In which I Trace my Evolving Views on Gay Christians

3 When Christian Giants Stumble, the Proper Response is Mourning

(A September post, which was one of the most read posts in October!).

4 Blogging and Ambition: When you are NOT on a Best Blogger List

Filed Under: In which I explore writing and blogging and creativity, Writing and Blogging Tagged With: blogging, Dreaming Beneath the Spires

“I Killed My Daddy’s King,” and Other Thoughts on the Cross

By Anita Mathias

The King (Lewis Chessmen)

The King (Lewis Chessmen)

Once, in the hectic days of chess parenting, I saw a plump little golden haired girl play chess with her father, while her siblings played in the tournament.

Oh, how they fell, how rapidly–his knights and bishops and rooks and even his Queen.

And then, we heard her shriek of delight, “I killed my Daddy’s King.”

And the large good-natured man sat smiling.

* * *

Ah, chess with little Teresa. All gain for Teresa, all loss for her Dad, and yet the loss was gain for the joy he felt in her joy.

* * *

The Cross!

Why did that Great Heart pay everything so we could have everything? Why didn’t someone stop him?

From high on the hill in Golgotha, grace runs downhill.  To me.

* * *

 Sometimes, I despair of my heart. What sort of heart is this?

A heart of thoughts, a heart of words, a heart of ink!

I withdraw to my own private citadel, with my books and my poetry to protect me. And the walls of the citadel are high, and I am at peace.

* * *

But I was not only called to write.

On that dreadful last night, His last words: “Love one another.”

Ah, but that takes a red heart, a blazing sunrise heart like his own.

But I have a cool heart. It’s an autumn heart, warm and golden sometimes, but most at home in silence, in mists and mellow fruitfulness. In words, in poetry, in thinking, in writing. In dreams. An introvert’s heart.

And what can I do? Who, oh Lord, can change their heart?

* * *

Calvary can. Christ can.

The release of the Spirit which He bought with his death can.

Let your beautiful Spirit cascade over and through my heart, oh Lord, changing this heart of ink to a heart of flesh.

I do not know how to love.

Holy Spirit, teach me.

Filed Under: In which I play in the fields of Theology Tagged With: Agape Love, The Cross

Luxembourg: A Stroll along Grand Rue to the Notre Dame Cathedral with Views over the Gorge

By Anita Mathias

A guest post from Roy Mathias

Grand Rue is a pedestrian thoroughfare in the center of Luxembourg, with lots to see if you slow down.
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[Read more…]

Filed Under: In which I Travel and Dream Tagged With: Luxembourg, Travel

The Parable of the Dishonest Steward. Frank Talk on Money.

By Anita Mathias

Blue and Yellow Macaw Bird Flying-953871We grappled with The Parable of the Dishonest Steward (Luke 16 1-15) in my small group.

The Steward soon to be dismissed, too old to dig, and too proud to beg, leverages the last thing he has–his connections– to make friends knit to him by gratitude once his job is over.

He is commended for this intentionality and foresight, just as the man with five talents is commended for using them well. [Read more…]

Filed Under: In which I play in the fields of Scripture Tagged With: Dishonest Steward, Luke, Parables

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Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India

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Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

Wandering Between Two Worlds
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Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

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My Latest Meditation

Anita Mathias: About Me

Anita Mathias

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Recent Posts

  • The Kingdom of God is Here Already, Yet Not Yet Here
  • All Those Who Exalt Themselves Will Be Humbled & the Humble Will Be Exalted
  • Christ’s Great Golden Triad to Guide Our Actions and Decisions
  • How Jesus Dealt With Hostility and Enemies
  • Do Not Be Afraid, but Do Be Prudent
  • For Scoundrels, Scallywags, and Rascals—Christ Came
  • How to Lead an Extremely Significant Life
  • Don’t Walk Away From Jesus, but if You Do, He Still Looks at You and Loves You
  • How to Find the Freedom of Forgiveness
  • The Silver Coin in the Mouth of a Fish. Never Underestimate God!
Premier Digital Awards 2015 - Finalist - Blogger of the year
Runner Up Christian Media Awards 2014 - Tweeter of the year

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What I’m Reading


Practicing the Way
John Mark Comer

Practicing the Way --  Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Olive Kitteridge
Elizabeth Strout

Olive Kitteridge --  Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

The Long Loneliness:
The Autobiography of the Legendary Catholic Social Activist
Dorothy Day

The Long Loneliness --  Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry:
How to stay emotionally healthy and spiritually alive in the chaos of the modern world
John Mark Comer

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry --  Amazon.com
Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Country Girl
Edna O'Brien

Country Girl  - Amazon.com
Amazon.com

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My Latest Five Podcast Meditations

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anita.mathias

My memoir: Rosaries, Reading, Secrets https://amzn.to/42xgL9t
Oxford, England. Writer, memoirist, podcaster, blogger, Biblical meditation teacher, mum

Hi Friends, I have taped a meditation; do listen a Hi Friends, I have taped a meditation; do listen at this link: https://anitamathias.com/2025/04/08/the-kingdom-of-god-is-here-already-yet-not-yet-here-2/
It’s on the Kingdom of God, of which Christ so often spoke, which is here already—a mysterious, shimmering internal palace in which, in lightning flashes, we experience peace and joy, and yet, of course, not yet fully here. We sense the rainbowed presence of Christ in the song which pulses through creation. Christ strolls into our rooms with his wisdom and guidance, and things change. Our prayers are answered; we are healed; our hearts are strangely warmed. Sometimes.
And yet, we also experience evil within & all around us. Our own sin which can shatter our peace and the trajectory of our lives. And the sins of the world—its greed, dishonesty and environmental destruction.
But in this broken world, we still experience the glory of creation; “coincidences” which accelerate once we start praying, and shalom which envelops us like sudden sunshine. The portals into this Kingdom include repentance, gratitude, meditative breathing, and absolute surrender.
The Kingdom of God is here already. We can experience its beauty, peace and joy today through the presence of the Holy Spirit. But yet, since, in the Apostle Paul’s words, we do not struggle only “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the unseen powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil,” its fullness still lingers…
Our daughter Zoe was ordained into the Church of E Our daughter Zoe was ordained into the Church of England in June. I have been on a social media break… but … better late than never. Enjoy!
First picture has my sister, Shalini, who kindly flew in from the US. Our lovely cousins Anthony and Sarah flank Zoe in the next picture.
The Bishop of London, Sarah Mullaly, ordained Zoe. You can see her praying that Zoe will be filled with the Holy Spirit!!
And here’s a meditation I’ve recorded, which you might enjoy. The link is also in my profile
https://anitamathias.com/2024/11/07/all-those-who-exalt-themselves-will-be-humbled-the-humble-will-be-exalted/
I have taped a meditation on Jesus statement in Ma I have taped a meditation on Jesus statement in Matthew 23, “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Do listen here. https://anitamathias.com/2024/11/07/all-those-who-exalt-themselves-will-be-humbled-the-humble-will-be-exalted/
Link also in bio.
And so, Jesus states a law of life. Those who broadcast their amazingness will be humbled, since God dislikes—scorns that, as much as people do.  For to trumpet our success, wealth, brilliance, giftedness or popularity is to get distracted from our life’s purpose into worthless activity. Those who love power, who are sure they know best, and who must be the best, will eventually be humbled by God and life. For their focus has shifted from loving God, doing good work, and being a blessing to their family, friends, and the world towards impressing others, being enviable, perhaps famous. These things are houses built on sand, which will crumble when hammered by the waves of old age, infirmity or adversity. 
God resists the proud, Scripture tells us—those who crave the admiration and power which is His alone. So how do we resist pride? We slow down, so that we realise (and repent) when sheer pride sparks our allergies to people, our enmities, our determination to have our own way, or our grandiose ego-driven goals, and ambitions. Once we stop chasing limelight, a great quietness steals over our lives. We no longer need the drug of continual achievement, or to share images of glittering travel, parties, prizes or friends. We just enjoy them quietly. My life is for itself & not for a spectacle, Emerson wrote. And, as Jesus advises, we quit sharp-elbowing ourselves to sit with the shiniest people, but are content to hang out with ordinary people; and then, as Jesus said, we will inevitably, eventually, be summoned higher to the sparkling conversation we craved. 
One day, every knee will bow before the gentle lamb who was slain, now seated on the throne. We will all be silent before him. Let us live gently then, our eyes on Christ, continually asking for his power, his Spirit, and his direction, moving, dancing, in the direction that we sense him move.
Link to new podcast in Bio https://anitamathias.co Link to new podcast in Bio https://anitamathias.com/2024/02/20/how-jesus-dealt-with-hostility-and-enemies/
3 days before his death, Jesus rampages through the commercialised temple, overturning the tables of moneychangers. Who gave you the authority to do these things? his outraged adversaries ask. And Jesus shows us how to answer hostile questions. Slow down. Breathe. Quick arrow prayers!
Your enemies have no power over your life that your Father has not permitted them. Ask your Father for wisdom, remembering: Questions do not need to be answered. Are these questioners worthy of the treasures of your heart? Or would that be feeding pearls to hungry pigs, who might instead devour you?
Questions can contain pitfalls, traps, nooses. Jesus directly answered just three of the 183 questions he was asked, refusing to answer some; answering others with a good question.
But how do we get the inner calm and wisdom to recognise
and sidestep entrapping questions? Long before the day of
testing, practice slow, easy breathing, and tune in to the frequency of the Father. There’s no record of Jesus running, rushing, getting stressed, or lacking peace. He never spoke on his own, he told us, without checking in with the Father. So, no foolish, ill-judged statements. Breathing in the wisdom of the Father beside and within him, he, unintimidated, traps the trappers.
Wisdom begins with training ourselves to slow down and ask
the Father for guidance. Then our calm minds, made perceptive, will help us recognise danger and trick questions, even those coated in flattery, and sidestep them or refuse to answer.
We practice tuning in to heavenly wisdom by practising–asking God questions, and then listening for his answers about the best way to do simple things…organise a home or write. Then, we build upwards, asking for wisdom in more complex things.
Listening for the voice of God before we speak, and asking for a filling of the Spirit, which Jesus calls streams of living water within us, will give us wisdom to know what to say, which, frequently, is nothing at all. It will quieten us with the silence of God, which sings through the world, through sun and stars, sky and flowers.
Especially for @ samheckt Some very imperfect pi Especially for @ samheckt 
Some very imperfect pictures of my labradoodle Merry, and golden retriever Pippi.
And since, I’m on social media, if you are the meditating type, here’s a scriptural meditation on not being afraid, while being prudent. https://anitamathias.com/2024/01/03/do-not-be-afraid-but-do-be-prudent/
A new podcast. Link in bio https://anitamathias.c A new podcast. Link in bio
https://anitamathias.com/2024/01/03/do-not-be-afraid-but-do-be-prudent/
Do Not Be Afraid, but Do Be Prudent
“Do not be afraid,” a dream-angel tells Joseph, to marry Mary, who’s pregnant, though a virgin, for in our magical, God-invaded world, the Spirit has placed God in her. Call the baby Jesus, or The Lord saves, for he will drag people free from the chokehold of their sins.
And Joseph is not afraid. And the angel was right, for a star rose, signalling a new King of the Jews. Astrologers followed it, threatening King Herod, whose chief priests recounted Micah’s 600-year-old prophecy: the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem, as Jesus had just been, while his parents from Nazareth registered for Augustus Caesar’s census of the entire Roman world. 
The Magi worshipped the baby, offering gold. And shepherds came, told by an angel of joy: that the Messiah, a saviour from all that oppresses, had just been born.
Then, suddenly, the dream-angel warned: Flee with the child to Egypt. For Herod plans to kill this baby, forever-King.
Do not be afraid, but still flee? Become a refugee? But lightning-bolt coincidences verified the angel’s first words: The magi with gold for the flight. Shepherds
telling of angels singing of coming inner peace. Joseph flees.
What’s the difference between fear and prudence? Fear is being frozen or panicked by imaginary what-ifs. It tenses our bodies; strains health, sleep and relationships; makes us stingy with ourselves & others; leads to overwork, & time wasted doing pointless things for fear of people’s opinions.
Prudence is wisdom-using our experience & spiritual discernment as we battle the demonic forces of this dark world, in Paul’s phrase.It’s fighting with divinely powerful weapons: truth, righteousness, faith, Scripture & prayer, while surrendering our thoughts to Christ. 
So let’s act prudently, wisely & bravely, silencing fear, while remaining alert to God’s guidance, delivered through inner peace or intuitions of danger and wrongness, our spiritual senses tuned to the Spirit’s “No,” his “Slow,” his “Go,” as cautious as a serpent, protected, while being as gentle as a lamb among wolves.
Link to post with podcast link in Bio or https://a Link to post with podcast link in Bio or https://anitamathias.com/2023/09/22/dont-walk-away-from-jesus-but-if-you-do-he-still-looks-at-you-and-loves-you/
Jesus came from a Kingdom of voluntary gentleness, in which
Christ, the Lion of Judah, stands at the centre of the throne in the guise of a lamb, looking as if it had been slain. No wonder his disciples struggled with his counter-cultural values. Oh, and we too!
The mother of the Apostles James and John, asks Jesus for a favour—that once He became King, her sons got the most important, prestigious seats at court, on his right and left. And the other ten, who would have liked the fame, glory, power,limelight and honour themselves are indignant and threatened.
Oh-oh, Jesus says. Who gets five talents, who gets one,
who gets great wealth and success, who doesn’t–that the
Father controls. Don’t waste your one precious and fleeting
life seeking to lord it over others or boss them around.
But, in his wry kindness, he offers the ambitious twelve
and us something better than the second or third place.
He tells us how to actually be the most important person to
others at work, in our friend group, social circle, or church:Use your talents, gifts, and energy to bless others.
And we instinctively know Jesus is right. The greatest people in our lives are the kind people who invested in us, guided us and whose wise, radiant words are engraved on our hearts.
Wanting to sit with the cleverest, most successful, most famous people is the path of restlessness and discontent. The competition is vast. But seek to see people, to listen intently, to be kind, to empathise, and doors fling wide open for you, you rare thing!
The greatest person is the one who serves, Jesus says. Serves by using the one, two, or five talents God has given us to bless others, by finding a place where our deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. By writing which is a blessing, hospitality, walking with a sad friend, tidying a house.
And that is the only greatness worth having. That you yourself,your life and your work are a blessing to others. That the love and wisdom God pours into you lives in people’s hearts and minds, a blessing
https://anitamathias.com/.../dont-walk-away-from-j https://anitamathias.com/.../dont-walk-away-from-jesus.../
Sharing this podcast I recorded last week. LINK IN BIO
So Jesus makes a beautiful offer to the earnest, moral young man who came to him, seeking a spiritual life. Remarkably, the young man claims that he has kept all the commandments from his youth, including the command to love one’s neighbour as oneself, a statement Jesus does not challenge.
The challenge Jesus does offers him, however, the man cannot accept—to sell his vast possessions, give the money to the poor, and follow Jesus encumbered.
He leaves, grieving, and Jesus looks at him, loves him, and famously observes that it’s easier for a camel to squeeze through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to live in the world of wonders which is living under Christ’s kingship, guidance and protection. 
He reassures his dismayed disciples, however, that with God even the treasure-burdened can squeeze into God’s kingdom, “for with God, all things are possible.”
Following him would quite literally mean walking into a world of daily wonders, and immensely rich conversation, walking through Israel, Lebanon, Syria, and Jordan, quite impossible to do with suitcases and backpacks laden with treasure. 
For what would we reject God’s specific, internally heard whisper or directive, a micro-call? That is the idol which currently grips and possesses us. 
Not all of us have great riches, nor is money everyone’s greatest temptation—it can be success, fame, universal esteem, you name it…
But, since with God all things are possible, even those who waver in their pursuit of God can still experience him in fits and snatches, find our spirits singing on a walk or during worship in church, or find our hearts strangely warmed by Scripture, and, sometimes, even “see” Christ stand before us. 
For Christ looks at us, Christ loves us, and says, “With God, all things are possible,” even we, the flawed, entering his beautiful Kingdom.
https://anitamathias.com/2023/09/07/how-to-find-th https://anitamathias.com/2023/09/07/how-to-find-the-freedom-of-forgiveness/
How to Find the Freedom of Forgiveness
Letting go on anger and forgiving is both an emotional transaction & a decision of the will. We discover we cannot command our emotions to forgive and relinquish anger. So how do we find the space and clarity of forgiveness in our mind, spirit & emotions?
When tormenting memories surface, our cortisol, adrenaline, blood pressure, and heart rate all rise. It’s good to take a literally quick walk with Jesus, to calm this neurological and physiological storm. And then honestly name these emotions… for feelings buried alive never die.
Then, in a process called “the healing of memories,” mentally visualise the painful scene, seeing Christ himself there, his eyes brimming with compassion. Ask Christ to heal the sting, to draw the poison from these memories of experiences. We are caterpillars in a ring of fire, as Martin Luther wrote--unable to rescue ourselves. We need help from above.
Accept what happened. What happened, happened. Then, as the Apostle Paul advises, give thanks in everything, though not for everything. Give thanks because God can bring good out of the swindle and the injustice. Ask him to bring magic and beauty from the ashes.
If, like the persistent widow Jesus spoke of, you want to pray for justice--that the swindler and the abusers’ characters are revealed, so many are protected, then do so--but first, purify your own life.
And now, just forgive. Say aloud, I forgive you for … You are setting a captive free. Yourself. Come alive. Be free. 
And when memories of deep injuries arise, say: “No. No. Not going there.” Stop repeating the devastating story to yourself or anyone else. Don’t waste your time & emotional energy, nor let yourself be overwhelmed by anger at someone else’s evil actions. Don’t let the past poison today. Refuse to allow reinjury. Deliberately think instead of things noble, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.
So keep trying, in obedience, to forgive, to let go of your anger until you suddenly realise that you have forgiven, and can remember past events without agitation. God be with us!
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