Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

In which I forgive a pair of ecclesiastical rascals, and my soul finds peace

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The Happiness of Those who Walk in Forgiveness, Irene at 5.

   Okay, so I am at this Revival Alliance Conference, listening to amazing speakers like Bill Johnson, John Arnott and Heidi Baker whom I’ve heard before and whose vision, talks and books I love, and Randy Clark, Che Ahn and Georgian Banov who are new to me. Amazing music by Martin Smith of Delirious.

                                        § § §
And the girls save a space for us, and the Rector of our old church which we attended for six and a half years, sits in front of them, turns around, and says, “Oh Golly!”
“I’m Zoe, Anita’s daughter,” my older teen says.
“I know,” he says. “Is she here?”
“Yes.”
“Oh golly!! Oh golly,” he says, and does not sound pleased.  Is on the phone to his wife, disappears. She comes and retrieves their jackets. They sit somewhere else.
                                                   § § §
I had seen them earlier, was bouncing up to say Hi, then remembered my oblique posts dealing with the post-traumatic stress of being in that church, which had been so toxic for me, stopped mid-step, and turned round.
The girls tell me of their encounter in high amusement. I say, “Golly!” (Does anyone still say golly? Apparently so!) “They still haven’t forgiven me.” And feel a bit surprised and shocked.
And I ask myself a counter-question. Have I forgiven them?
Oh dear!!
                                                   § § §
And if I haven’t, I decide I absolutely have to–to  progress in my spiritual walk.
Carol Arnott, introducing the Arnott’s book Grace and Forgiveness says learning to forgive is worth a trillion dollars.
Okay then, let’s put some of that trillion dollars in my wallet.
                                                   § § §
On what point would you split company with Jesus? What is his most difficult saying?
The saying of Jesus which I find most outrageous, unfair, blood-boiling, ridiculous, and sublime is from the Sermon on the Mount.
It’s made me grit my teeth so often that I know it by heart:
Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who persecute you.
                                                   § § §
But, but, but, but, but… Should you do good to your enemies when they sin against you? Should you not rather expose the deeds of darkness? Won’t keeping things silent perpetuate abusive behaviourso that others suffer?
How can you bless them, when you are powerless, and they are not, and you desperately want God to see justice done? And now, instead of asking God to blow the whistle on them, and soon, you are to bless them?
Pray for them? Not pray that God punishes them? But pray for them?
And do good to those who’ve harmed you?
And, talk about going to extremes, love them?
                                          * * *
Phil Vischer of Jellyfish Productions (and Creator of VeggieTales) said he wants to be a jellyfish in the tides of God, taking what God gives him, now riding a wave high, now resting.
Forgiveness is like that. You are leaving justice and vengeance and fairness to God; you are just floating in the ocean of God’s love. Perhaps, your eyes will see his justice on this earth. Perhaps not.
We can forgive if we change our focus.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
        Look full in His wonderful face,

                           And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

                                           In the light of His glory and grace.

                                                       § § §
Ah, no more pussy-footing around.
I would either in obedience have to decide to do good to my enemies, bless them, and pray for them
Or part company with Jesus on this issue, quit following him who commanded me to  “whenever I stand praying release aught against any”
Who warned me that I would be tormented if I could not let go of the ways people had sinned against me—and that somehow my own sins would not be erased either (Mt. 18).
 There is a connection between forgiveness and creativity.  When I abide in the waterfall of God’s love and have it flow through me without meeting impediments of old grudges and old scores, God’s creativity is also more likely to flow through me.
                                                   * * *

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who persecute you.
How hard that sounds!! But that’s the paradox of following Jesus: he turns the bitter sweet. The cross, symbol of shame, becomes a symbol of blessing.
Jesus could just as easily have said:
Don’t hold on to anger; it will make you gain weight.
Don’t hold on to hatred; it will affect your sleep.
Don’t hold on to grudges; it’s uncreative.
Don’t hold on—you will become bitter; you’ll be less fun to be with.
Don’t hold on. Keep your palms open to the flow of God’s love.
So then, am I going to forgive these two ecclesiastical rascals?
Yes, once and for all, and completely. This is the last blog they are inspiring!! I am forgiving them, not for their sakes, but for my own.
                                                   § § §
 Oh, how I wrestled to forgive them, and then suddenly forgiveness comes like a sweet stream.
And if I remember stuff again, will I struggle to forgive again?
 Malcolm Gladwell in Outliers says it takes 10,000 hours to master a craft. Well, it takes 10,000 steps to forgive.
But just as I persisted in the 10,000 hours it took to learn to write well, even though I fell backwards sometimes, and took long, long, breaks from writing, I will persist in the 10,000 steps it takes to forgive. And if I take one step backwards, and I will repent and take two steps forwards.
                                                   § § §
So, goodbye, I will no longer write about you, barring clear direction from the Lord.
 Goodbye, and I bless you with a return to your first love.
Goodbye, and I pray God uses you to bless those in your church as long as he is pleased to leave you there.
Goodbye, and I bless you with the Spirit of Sonship, that you may turn to the Father for the gifts you covet, and never seek to block the springs of giftedness in others, but may instead unblock the springs of the Father’s gifts in other people. I bless you with the Spirit of Sonship that trusts the Father for what you need, instead of using others to get what you want.
Goodbye, you who have blessed me with your prayers, your preaching, your counsel, and even your injustices which blocked the stream of my gifts, made them run underground and come up even stronger. Which forced me into the Father’s love, so that I came up even stronger.
Goodbye, for what you meant for evil, God meant for good.
Good bye, for bringing this sad, sordid and painful interlude of my church life to a conclusion beings me much peace
Good bye, God bless you, and I forgive you, and pray for you in the name of Jesus. Goodbye! 


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Comments

  1. “What you meant for evil, God meant for good.” That’s good, it helps me understand the presence of both in the same situation. We had a sermon today on forgiveness, now this blog. Mmmm! Thanks for being real.

  4. Thanks so much for visiting, Emily.

    Katie, interesting question. We live in the same town, though I go to a different church. I guess I have let go and am at peace, but people come to peace and forgiveness at their own time scale, so one can't just set up a reconciliation chat when you are ready. I will just have to wait until God engineers another meeting between us. But I let go of the toxins in my own soul!

  5. So… what happened with the pastor and his family?

    That's a really thought-provoking question you ask, about which teaching of Jesus is the one that is the deal-breaker… I'm going to ponder that for a while.

  6. well, i just love your writing first of all. and secondly, yes. it is so, so hard to love our enemies. you captured this dying to self so well here. and i pray one day that couple will learn to forgive too… bless you on this journey, and thank you so much for linking with ip! e.

  7. That's a lovely image, LA. I am not good at compartmentalization.

    Yes, for me, forgiveness is a bit like peeling an onion. You have peeled a layer, and forgiven, and then, as you say, fresh memories surface, or you understand what happened better, and then you have to forgive again. And again!!

  8. I am told that I am a “compartmentalist” and quite good at it. A friend in high school actually came up with the best analogy I have heard yet to this date. I have all my feelings and thoughts organized into manilla folders. I have a desk and a filing cabinet. When I need to, I pull out the appropriate folder, open it up on the desk and those thoughts and feelings are available to me. When the folder is closed, I can either file it in “don't need this anymore” or “keep this handy, I might need it soon”.

    I find that throughout the years, despite stamping “forgiven” on a particular folder, I have to pull it out and revisit the contents from time-to-time. It's not that the original stamp was wrong, it's just that times change, I change, and my experiences change over time, and new observations/experiences might color a previous wrong differently and it has to be dealt with in the light of new experiences and increased maturity.

    The nice thing about compartmentalization is that I can keep filing stuff away under “work in progress” and not have to deal with it immediately. The downside is that there are times when that inbox starts overflowing and I have a whole lot of forgiveness to work through all at once.

    Also, I wanted to comment on the fact that forgiveness doesn't mean I'm going to allow the same person to keep hurting me. I believe that part of forgiveness is loving that person enough to set up boundaries so that you set your relationship up for success, not continued failure. If avoidance is called for, I do not think that's unChristian.

  10. What a beautiful post this was – a perfect reminder at a perfect time! Thank you for being open and honest in the things that you say:)

    I know I need to start forgiving many that I'm holding grudge against…

    This post somehow gives me the assurance and encouragement I needed..So, thank you!

    Love,
    Ruth

  11. Yes, a therapist in my 20ies pointed out that I did not allow myself to feel pain. I either made the episode a joke, or I acted out in anger.

    Yes, forgiving takes work, doesn't it? I am going to try releasing “aught against any” the moment I realize the wound.

  12. I used to think I was very good at forgiving others. It turns out I was just really good at convincing myself I wasn't hurt. All the pain came back later, and I have spent the last few years just working through old wounds- and struggling to really forgive some new ones. It is so worth the long work.

  13. Thanks, David. That's a lovely thought, that even Judas would have been forgiven. Yes, if Jesus taught us to forgive 70 times 7 he would do no less.

    Biscuit, welcome to my blog, and delighted you liked the post:-)

  14. Loved this post! A while back I was exploring the idea of forgiveness on my blog. This is a wonderful testimony of the struggle and victory that comes when you give up all – even your claim to justice – to follow Christ.

    Thanks so much for sharing this 🙂

  15. Hi all
    Guess we all struggle with forgiveness,asking for it and giving it;
    Forgiveness can come at a High price,
    its human nature that does not want to pay the price,pride gets in the way; we make excuses at our peril.
    Let me share with you my thoughts about Judas and forgiveness:
    Easter my favourite Christian celebration , rich in all its imagery , the wine and the breaking of bread the looks the questions the answers full of drama ,passion ,compassion , love, betrayal, denial and despite all of this, forgiveness.
    Like most Christians I struggle with the end of Judas , why was it that he was lost ? I don’t believe it was because of his betrayal of Jesus , that kiss on the cheek was not an action of malice, so why was he lost ?
    “None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled”. John 17:12.
    I believe that had Judas gone to the foot of the cross there he would have found his Lord” high and lifted up” arms outstretched and ready to forgive.
    I guess all of us must turn away from ourselves seek Jesus at the foot of the cross and ask for forgiveness or like Judas we all are doomed never to be forgiven, always outside the circle of His discipleship.
    How many times have I kissed His cheek ?The wrong thought ,the wrong word, the action of haste; thank Jesus I can go to the foot of the Cross and there is my Lord , there is my salvation and there I am forgiven.
    Easter, I love this time of year; please let me share with you this Easter my “King of Kings”.
    Gods Bliss
    David