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“A New Name,” Emma Scrivener on finding healing from an eating disorder

By Anita Mathias



Emma Scrivener was born in Belfast, but now lives with her husband in the south east of England. She suffered from life-threatening anorexia as a child and as an adult. She now speaks and writes about her experiences at www.emmascrivener.net. Her book, ‘A New Name’ is published by IVP (ISBN: 9781844745869, 176 pages, £7.99), and can be ordered at the Emma’s website, Amazon.co.ukand  Amazon.com.



 If you’d met me seven years ago, here’s what you’d have seen:  a ‘successful’ Christian, newly married to a vicar in training. Leader of a thriving children’s ministry. A talented student with a bright future ahead. Someone who seemed to have it all together.
But there’s one part you might have missed: a young woman gripped by an eating disorder that would nearly take her life.
For a long time I hid my obsession. I threw myself into church activities, missions and teaching.  On the outside I looked pretty good – a  dynamo, burning out ‘for the Lord’.  I even believed it myself. But at the heart of my ‘ministry’ beat a commitment to proving – and saving – myself.
So how did I get there – and what has helped to bring me out?
It started when I turned 13. Up until then I’d had an idyllic childhood: I knew who I was and I knew where I belonged.  But almost overnight, that started to change.  My grandfather died.  I moved schools.  My body felt out of control: like a tanker, spilling flesh and hormones.  In search of answers, I even started going to church.
The God I heard about was real and personal, and I resolved to follow Him. But in retrospect, we were never properly intro­duced. You see, my brand of Christianity had space for ‘God’, but not for Jesus. It talked about sin and rules – but less about grace. It paid lip service to his work on my behalf. But, in practice, it was up to me to prove my own worth.
So that’s what I did. I worked hard and won prizes.  I resolved to be smart and pretty and most of all, ‘good’. But nothing – whether clothes or friends or money, was ever enough. Instead of finding satisfaction, I was filled with hungers. I didn’t know what they were called or where to put them. What I did know was this: they were too much.
I was too much – too needy, too intense, too messy, too fat.
So I made a decision. Instead of my desires killing me, I would kill them. I would squash my hungers and I would fix myself. I would be thin.
Instead of a problem, anorexia appeared to be a solution.   A way of negotiating the world and making it ‘safe’. In reality, it almost killed me – not just once, but twice.
The first time, I was a teenager and professionals forced me to eat. I put on weight – but though I looked better on the outside, on the inside I felt the same. Ten years later, my old habits returned. My husband and I were finishing Bible college and I was overwhelmed by the prospect of a new parish and my role as a vicar’s wife. Unable to cope, I stopped eating. By the end I could barely walk: but this time, I was an adult – it seemed that nothing and no-one could help.
Then came the phone-call.  My beloved grandmother had died – but I was too weak to travel to her funeral. That night, faced with the reality of my choices, something in me finally broke. In desperation, I cried out to the God I’d tried to flee:
 ‘I’ve exhausted my own resources’ I said.  ‘But if you want me, you can have what’s left’.
I had always pictured God as a scary headmaster – slightly disapproving and far away.  Someone with rights over my soul – but not my body. Someone who wanted me to perform and keep His rules.  This God would surely strike me down or turn me away. But there was no blinding flash of light. No smoke or lightning.  Instead, I discovered something far more exciting.   As I opened my Bible, I found Jesus.
Instead of the God I thought I knew; in Jesus I met the one who knew me.  This Jesus confronted me, notas a tyrant or heavenly taskmaster, but as a gift. He came offering himself.  On the cross my badness and my goodness were taken away: rendered irrel­evant by his sacrifice.  Jesus didn’t want apologies, resolutions or assurances that I would do better. He wanted me. Instead of making me perform, he lifted me clean out of the arena. In return, he asked only one question: Would I receive him?
I was the girl who always said ‘No’.
‘No’ to people
‘No’ to relationships
‘No’ to marriage and health and family and food
‘No’ to risk and desire and vulnerability and need
But as I looked at Him – the Saviour who knew me and yet loved me – I said ‘Yes.’
And that was when my life and recovery began.


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Comments

  1. Anita Mathias says

    July 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Yes, indeed No is a very hard word to learn to say. I too am conditioned to say Yes, and one does develop that way.

    But you do have to realize that churches are hungry systems and organisations and that they will use and abuse and burnt out the people who cannot say No.

    And lots of church work is not necessarily spiritual. Or even necessary!!

    The better path as Jesus told Martha is to sit at his feet.

    Saying No is hard, but the enormous freedom and release once it has been said!!

    Blessings, will pray for you 🙂

  2. LA says

    July 18, 2012 at 12:50 am

    Powerful, powerful post!! Thank you again for sharing something so wonderful!

    I wonder if the power for her to say “yes” to Jesus, is the same power I need to tap in order to say “no”. I've just started setting boundaries in regards to my church work in order to spend more time with my autistic son. And it's been very, very hard. Amazingly hard.

    I will definitely pray on this tonight – thank you again for this thought-provoking post!

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Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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The Story of Dirk Willems

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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
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#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
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By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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