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My opinionated daughters engaged me in a heated theological debate on beauty this week.
Irene saunters into my bedroom. Her beloved black and gold Tinker Bell pyjama top has a tear down the seam.
“Irene, throw it away,” I say.
She scrunches up her face, “NO,” she says appalled.
I hand her a needle and thread.
“Then, mend it,” I say.
“No,” she says. “It’s a pyjama top.”
I, “You are a daughter of a King. There is no need for you to wear torn clothes.”
She, appalled again, “He couldn’t care what I look like. He didn’t care what he looked like.”
Me, a bit uncertain, “You don’t think God cares what you look like?”
She, “No! He’d just look at my face.”
Me, “Oh”
* * *
Zoe, 16, agrees with her sister. She wore contact lenses for 2 days, then declared that they were too much hassle. “But, but, but…” I stammer.
My very appearance-conscious father used to joke, “Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” and got both his daughters contacts in our teens, my sister’s when she was ten!!
I can hardly say that to Zoe. I am, roughly speaking, a feminist, and have tried to raise them to be independent and self-confident.
Zoe, seeing me falter, adds, for good measure. “And I have decided not to ever use make up either.” I gave her a lovely triple layer make-up kit for her 16th birthday, full of the most gorgeous gold, and bronze and silver and purples, which I would have had fun using as a teenager. “What?” I say. “Make up is fun; it’s like art; it’s like painting.” The fact that I rarely remember to use it probably undermines my words.
* * *
I thought of an argument I had with a close American friend of ours, who was a mentor to us when we lived in America around the time Irene was born. I had gained a lot of weight during that pregnancy and he—we had regular bi-weekly spiritual direction sessions over a period of 5 years– was urging me to diet and exercise.
Me, “I don’t think God cares what I look like.”
He, “Anita, when you write how you put it is as important as what you say. Your appearance is part of who you are.”
I somewhat bought his argument—though I have gained another 18 pounds since Irene was born in May 1999. Sigh!
Yes, God loves beauty, and so perhaps we should try to look as attractive as we can, given our starting point?
* * *
So how should a daughter of the King look? A story I heard the father of the friend I’ve just mentioned tell has influenced my thinking on the subject.
Jack Miller and his wife Rosemary who had founded World Harvest Mission were visiting Uganda. They come late to a meeting, and every seat was taken except the ones right in front, next to the President, Idi Amin. Rosemary nervously tells Jack, “I’ll sit on the grass.” “Jack says, “Rosemary, no! You are wearing a lovely dress. You are a daughter of the King. Be brave. We will sit in front.” And they go and sit next to Idi Amin, who is gracious to them.
This is a useful principle for me when I declutter. If something is too old, faded, stained, worn—whether an item of clothing, or furniture or household item, carpets, towels etc.—to be in the house of a daughter of the King, out it goes.
* * *
I don’t agree with Irene. I think God cares for his “original design” in us and wants us to fit and strong, and attractive in accordance with his original design for us. As is fitting for daughters of the King.
* * *
I noticed over the 17 years I lived in America that every female Christian leader and teacher was also slim and gorgeous. She would not have had much appeal to other Christian women if she had not been so. And so would not have been able to exercise her ministry as effectively
* * *
I have have theoretically acquiesced that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and it is important to keep it fit. However, my resolutions falter on a weekly basis faced with chocolate, let’s say, or how much more magnetic my laptop is than weight-lifting. I guess the girls have picked up what I do rather than what I say.
* * *
I have two friends with the degenerative neurological disease, MND or Lou Gehrigh’s disease. They have speech and physical therapy. Their body will degenerate anyway—but fighting against it will so something to ameliorate the degeneration.
And so, if, despite trying, in fits and starts, to exercise and eat more healthily, I still gain a few pounds over a course of the year, I am trying not to be discouraged, but remember that if I did not, I could easily gain a few pounds in the course of a month—or week.
* * *
So what do you think? Does God care about what we look like? Would he like us to continue trying to look reasonably attractive—or is he mainly concerned with the beauty of our spirits?
Yes, you're right, Ang. We can't have a tidy law about this, because as Red says, it's different for each of us according to our economic and other life circumstances. And it's our attitude that makes the difference.
I have a tendency to want to tidy up the spiritual life into tidy maxims, but it can't be done–because it's spiritual–it's God's life in us, so is wild, eccentric and original!!
Red's comment resonated with me, in that our attitudes are key. If we wear makeup, dress a certain way, etc. in order to get attention because it makes our pride feel better, then that is quite a different mindset from humbly seeking to honor God with your appearance.
I often hear people use I Corinthians 6:19 as a reason to dress nicely, eat well, etc., because our bodies are a temple for the Lord. As with most things, I believe there is a balance, and the fulcrum is the attitude of our hearts.
in complete agreement about the holistic aspect of it all- all aspects are linked, and- as Thich Nhat Hahn so vividly reminds us- this is it
in complete agreement about the holistic aspect of it all- all aspects are linked, and- as Thich Nhat Hahn so vividly reminds us- this is it
Thanks so much, Red and Victoria. I used to believe that God cared about what I was like inside, not outside.
But now that life is slower and quieter, I am trying to break the habit of seeking comfort, pleasure or highs in food–and instead seeking ways to achieve these emotions which can be a blessing to body and spirit.
Also, the discipline it takes to exercise helps the mind and spirit.
I am now beginning to think holistically, that body, mind, spirit and heart are all indivisibly yoked together–and the health of each is important!
Hey Anita
Like the post. But I think there has to be balance. I don't think Jesus would care if we were dressed in rags, but I think he would care if our attitude were in rags. If we were to visit the King of a country we would dress up and put on our best and not just show up in ou gardening clothes for example. and so I think we should do that for our heavenly king too. But likewise many don't have the option to throw out things that are worn or have a rip in the seam and I don't think Jesus would frown upon that if their hearts were for him.
Also whilst I agree in part about Christian ministers looking good aiding them in their ministry I also think it can go too far, there is a certain look of the Stepford Wives about many of the well known Christian women in public ministry!!
Bless you
redx
how could he not love us as we are? it would appear that what is most needed is that we exercise love, that we go about in his world doing what he most needs us to do, and loving as he most needs us to love. if we love generously, then what difference are makeup and dress size, glasses and pounds?
perhaps the girls just need to do what they need to do; it's lovely to hear that they have strong opinions and clarity. so much in their lives will change as they grow older- some views will be left behind, others not. they both sound brilliantly clear-eyed.
you are a good mom.