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How Strange to Think of Giving up all Ambition!

By Anita Mathias

Our Aylesbury ducks, Buttercup and Daisy who HAVE given up all ambition

            


           How strange to think of giving up all ambition!
          Suddenly I see with such clear eyes
          The white flake of snow
          That has just fallen in the horse’s mane!



‘Watering the Horse’  by Robert Bly       




         Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly,
         Asleep on the black trunk,
         Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.


         Down the ravine behind the empty house,
         The cowbells follow one another
         Into the distances of the afternoon.


         To my right,
         In a field of sunlight between two pines,
         The droppings of last year’s horses
         Blaze up into golden stones.


         I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.
         A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.
         I have wasted my life.



 ‘Lying in a Hammock at William Duffy’s Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota’ by James Wright



Robert Bly, and James Wright, two ambitious and successful American poets have a moment of just being, and “see with such clear eyes” “The white flake of snow,” “the bronze butterfly,” the chicken hawk floating over. Wright looks back at his life of anxiety and toil and ambition, and, in this moment of stillness, feels that he has wasted it!


Ambition, according to Milton was “the last infirmity of noble minds.” Shakespeare, no stranger to ambition, one presumes, makes his dying Wolsey regret it.


Cromwell, I charge thee, fling away ambition:
By that sin fell the angels; how can man, then,
The image of his Maker, hope to win by it?
O Cromwell, Cromwell!
Had I but served my God with half the zeal
I served my king, he would not in mine age.





I have been thinking about ambition since reading Amy Chua’s piece on the fierce ambition instilled in her by her Chinese parents, which she has, in turn, fiercely instilled in her children.
Here are my musings on it:
On Tiger Mothers, Distracted Mothers, and Just About Good Enough Mothers

Both Roy and I were brought up to be ambitious, Roy, by a tiger mother, as I have mentioned in the post, I, by a father, who desperately wanted me not to waste my life, but to do something he could be proud of. 


Around last Christmas, I think we decided that enough was enough, and like Bly thought about giving up all ambition–and, what’s more: Roy did it.


He was quite a high-powered mathematician, and he took early retirement, which, of course, was the biggest change in our family’s life. Sometimes, we can hardly believe we’ve actually done it!! 


It’s now the seventh month of his ambition free life, and we love it. It takes a while to get adjusted to life without adrenalin, stress, the pressing weight of papers to write, papers to referee, books to read, and books to write–and to realize that one now actually has time to do all the things one would do if one had time. It takes a while to realize that you now have time to do the fun creative healthy things that were a waste of time before–fresh pressed juices, gourmet cooking, bits of interior decoration. And it takes time for one’s pulse to return to a slow beat–but we are enjoying the process!!
                                                   * * * 


And for me, I still love writing, write, and want to write. But somehow–I don’t quite know how–after years of trying to slay the idol of writing ambition, I have done it. I am writing for the joy of writing, hoping to find readers, but am content if I do, content if I don’t. I haven’t quite reached the level of surrender  mentioned in this blogger’s prayer, but you know what, I am getting there.


What helped was taking a 3.5 year break from reading and writing to establish a publishing company. And when I came back, I wrote in a different style, more transparent and easy to write compared to the pretzel like, contorted style of my earlier writing (see essays at anitamathias.com). I am wondering if those desert, wilderness years broke the idol of ambition, and returned my writing to me as pure joy, as it was in the beginning, in the land before ambition.  

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Comments

  1. Anita Mathias says

    February 7, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Hi there Klaudia,
    Yeah, I doubt I have given it up myself–just moderated it a good deal, and even that is a relief!!
    Love to Samuel and Luke.
    Anita

  2. Klaudia says

    February 7, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Right – and here was me thinking I could go to sleep without thinking too much and now I've got tons of thinking to do!!!
    I suppose there's the ambition to be your best and then there's the ambition to be the best in the world's eyes. Big difference – but one I'm nowhere near mastering in favour of the former..

  3. Anita Mathias says

    February 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Hi Freda, Yes, they are full of personality!!

  4. Freda says

    February 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    The ducks are lovely and can teach us a whole lot about how to live. Ambition in small quantities can be OK when one is young, but there comes a time to lay it down. Every Blessing

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Anita Mathias: About Me

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My Books

Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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Francesco, Artist of Florence: The Man Who Gave Too Much

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The Story of Dirk Willems

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Premier Digital Awards 2015 - Finalist - Blogger of the year
Runner Up Christian Media Awards 2014 - Tweeter of the year

Recent Posts

  •  On Not Wasting a Desert Experience
  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
  • Trust: A Message of Christmas
  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
  • “An Autobiography in Five Chapters” and Avoiding Habitual Holes  
  • Shining Faith in Action: Dirk Willems on the Ice
  • The Story of Dirk Willems: The Man who Died to Save His Enemy

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Childhood, Youth, Dependency: The Copenhagen Trilogy
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Amazing Faith: The Authorized Biography of Bill Bright
Michael Richardson

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On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Stephen King

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Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life
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Opened Ground: Poems, 1966-96
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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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