Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

Living in a Story Still Being Written

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It can take ten thousand years for the light from the most distant stars in our galaxy to reach us.

And if the speed of light can be so slow, if its story unravels so glacially, why are we astonished when we fail to immediately understand the story of our lives?

* * *

 Joseph, in the well, abandoned, betrayed.

All his dreams of glory—had come to this.

It seemed utterly meaningless–because the next chapter had not yet to be written.

* * *

Joseph in charge of Potiphar’s household.

The shepherd boy becomes the head butler in an Egyptian country house.

Was that the meaning of the well, and the humiliations of slavery at the hands of the hairy Ishmaelites?

Only part of it. The story was still being written. He was a character in a story someone else was writing. How could he understand his own story in medias res?

* * *

The dungeon, punishment for righteousness.

“But, Lord, I thought I understood the plot you were writing. Now WHAT are you doing?”

Utterly forsaken.

* * *

 But the dungeon was the way for the butler of a small manor to meet royalty.

Again, God blessed Joseph. Again, he rose to the top. And once again, apparent failure and humiliation were the means of Joseph’s elevation to an entirely different social, economic and political circle.

Let no one underestimate the creativity of the Master Craftsman of the Universe.

* * *

We cannot understand the story of our lives while we are living them.

We do not understand the significance of each plot element yet. They seem random, inexplicable, and cruel. It takes the retrospective glance to understand.

* * *

And my story? It has foolishness in it, ah so much—money and opportunity and years and talents squandered.

It has sin in it, my sin, and sins against me. It has apparent dead ends, missed opportunities, wastage, stupidity and heartbreak.

* * *

And because a master artist is still working on it, still writing it, it has gold in it, infinite possibilities for redemption.

I do not yet know how God will weave all the plot elements together into an eternal beautiful story, and make it all the apparent red herrings and random plot twists work out for good, but I know he will. He’s that smart.

And I trust him.

 

 

Busyness is not just FROM the Devil, it IS the Devil (Carl Gustav Jung)

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An interesting idea to explore. I came across that statement about 25 years ago in Richard Foster’s classic, “Celebration of Discipline.” As someone who always has lots of books and movies she wants to read and see, places she wants to travel to, people she wants to hang out with, and things she wants to write, I have often been over-busy. Remembering this quote helps me to prune to increase fruitfulness.

Now, for the first time in our married life (22 years!), we are not over-busy. How wonderful that is, to allow the soul to breathe, to catch up with little domestic things we have long intended to do.
Busyness is indeed one of the great enemies of the spiritual life–like ambition, materialism, pride, oh, all those deadly seven…

And how does one become less busy. In the Biblical phrase, “Enquire of the Lord” before you commit to doing things, choose a book to read, choose a project to commit to, write a blog post.

And this will take a lifetime’s practice!!

In which God forgives us, we forgive ourselves, and we are freed from paralysis

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jesus paralytic 150x150 Jesus Heals Paralytic Man | Mark 2:1 12

 I am re-reading Mark. John’s my favourite gospel guy, followed by Luke, but the immediacy of Mark, our immediate immersion in a fast-moving scenario of accelerating success grabs me every time.
Jesus issues his great call to repent and believe the good news.
He heals most everyone, dramatically, and so “news about him spread quickly over the whole region of Galilee.” He became the Obama or Daniel Radcliffe of his day, “As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly, but stayed outside in lonely places. Still, people came to him from everywhere.”
                                                      * * *
And then in Mark 2 1-12, so many gather to hear him preach the word that there was no room left, not even outside the door.
(I have just been to hear some amazing speakers and miracles workers, and I can testify there is the same spiritual hunger and over-crowding today.)
And though it seems unfair, the pushy, the hungry, the desperate are often rewarded. That’s one of Jesus’s puzzling sayings, “The Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it.” Matt 11:12.
So instead of being polite, waiting their turn, which surely seems to be the right thing to do, his friends cheekily dig though the roof, and lower him in.
And, remarkably, and encouragingly for all those who pray for their families, or do prayer ministry, Jesus heals him because of the faith of his friends.
And—whoa!!—what interesting words of healing
“Son, your sins are forgiven.”
And those words, the forgiveness of sins, heals the man’s paralysis.
                                                   * * *
A river is a consistent Biblical metaphor for God—leaping, rushing, dancing, forceful, iridescent, full of energy.
Never stagnant. Never “paralysed.”
Mental and emotional paralysis, or paralysis in any area of one’s life, does not comes from God, in my opinion. The first chapters of Genesis give us an insight into God’s nature—imaginative, fun, creative, thinking, making, shaping, active—then punctuating six days of activity with a day of complete rest, when “he rested from all this making.”
No paralysis there!!
                                                    * * *
When my daughter Zoe was born, I often wheeled her around in her stroller to put her to sleep. (We never let our children cry themselves to sleep—I considered that unthinkable—which, of course, meant hours of walking or driving or holding them to sleep, or sleeping with them. Or vice-versa. Very undisciplined.)
I had four major areas of need or “paralysis” which I used to ask for God’s help with as I pushed Zoe in her pram.
1)   My writing, in which I was paralysed and perfectionistic, and worked with much painful second-guessing and perfectionism, and without significant output.
2)   Housekeeping. My house was messy, and disorganized, and this upset me.
3)   I was a night owl, and so woke late, and this is not the most efficient thing.
4)   I was overweight.
                                                                                                                                       * * *
Over the last 18 years of following Christ with wobbles and falls backwards, I am glad to report that my writing is flowing freely. The house is no longer embarrassing. It’s not immaculate, but not messy either. We tidy every room at least once a week (well, Roy does.)
I don’t wake early, but not ridiculously late either.
But weight! Alas, I am at my heaviest ever. I am failing.
And I don’t believe God intends this paralysis or failure.
                                                * * *
And Jesus, mysteriously, heals the man’s physical paralysis, by forgiving his sin, and he walks.
Is this a key?  Repentance and receiving forgiveness to break paralysis in any area of our lives. Paralysis like Paul describes in Romans 7 when one knows and loves and desires what is good, but does not have the power to pursue it.
                                                 * * *
Obviously, being overweight is not a sin, any more than being paralysed is.
But, in my case, sin has led to it.
1) Using food as an all-purpose anaesthetic, when sad, angry, stressed, depressed, low-energy, listless, bored, or fed-up.
2) Eating because I enjoyed the taste of good food, even when not hungry.  Eating foods not good for my body.
3) Putting off exercise because reading and writing were more interesting.
And, so I spent some time today repenting of these weaknesses, and asking for the blood of Christ to wash these sins away, and to filled again with the spirit of Jesus, so that I remember to turn to him instead of chocolate when sad, stressed, angry, bored etc.
That I remember to respect my body and not give it excessive yummy stuff that is not good for it.
And the empowering of the spirit that I will make myself exercise even when the laptop and books are more tempting.
Jesus, heal this paralysis.
                                                      * * *
I am reading The Anointing by R.T. Kendall. The Anointing (among other things) is a divine enablement which makes the difficult easy. Kendall stresses the need of getting a fresh anointing every day, so that we do not continue using powerful spiritual gifts (preaching, let’s say, or writing) in our own strength.
I think it’s the same when breaking free from an area of paralysis in one’s life. You repent; God forgives you; gives you his Holy Spirit on request, (Luke 11:13). But you are not yet home free. You need to continue asking for fresh grace, fresh strength and enablement.
I have read testimonies of alcoholics and drug addicts or heavy smokers who have been instantaneously healed from their addiction. I myself have experienced a grace-enabled kicking of a coffee addiction.
Perhaps healing from something which has put tentacles into the very way you function, such as emotional eating or using food as an all-purpose anaesthetic can come all at once.
Or perhaps, step by step as the powerful waterfall of the Holy Spirit and God’s grace breaks down the last filaments of bad habits. Perhaps, it’s a daily process—just as acquiring knowledge or physical fitness or a godly character is a long process. You sometimes tire, sometimes rest, but you keep rowing.
But slow, or fast, Lord, heal me. Let there be no little strongholds or holdouts to your full reign in me, body, mind, soul and spirit!

In which Christ says, “Come, dance,” and this time, I hear The Lord of the Dance

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This may make some of you laugh, but all through my thirties, on New Year’s Day, and many, many times throughout the year, I used to pray, “Lord, by the end of the year, let me be twice as close to you as I am now.”
Oh gosh, was it my Catholic upbringing, bad counselling, or just native stupidity??  I was visualizing the Christian life as a ladder.
If I prayed more, read my Bible more, did the laundry more, served my family more, loved more, da-da-da, I would be closer to Jesus.
While all the while–I could cry to think of it–he stood there, arms open wide, saying, “Come, dance?”
And all I had to do to be closer to him was just step into the waltz, stand close, very close, and let him lead me, deeper and deeper into the dance.  Now faster and faster, now slow and intimate. Now into service, now into intimacy, and now, into rest. 


Antaeus and Strength from the Earth and Being Down to Earth

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 Antaeus, in Greek mythology, was a Libyan giant, the son of Gaia, the Earth Goddess. He was invincible because when thrown to the ground, he derived strength from the earth, his mother, and returned stronger than before.
And that too is a secret of strength.
When under stress, I tend to “run” (metaphorically speaking!)—to travel, to take a day out in a National Trust or RHS garden, or just sleep.
Nothing wrong with that, but “down to earth” ways of decompressing are often surprisingly healing and refreshing. A landmark UCLA study, which looks at women under stress observes that the first thing women under stress do is clean (followed by making coffee, and bonding with other women).
And oddly, for both me and Roy, tidying up is one of our most therapeutic activities. There is something so peaceful about order gradually emerging, and the gentle movement involved in it, especially if one has worship music on the stereo. It’s actually restful, provided there is no time pressure, and one has not allowed one’s surroundings to get too out of control.
Gardeningtoo is an immensely peaceful activity, restful, therapeutic, an opportunity for quiet contemplation. Just the sound of bird song, and the gentle activity calms me. Similarly, the gentle walk, and the natural sounds of the wind and birds settles the spirit. 
As Gretchen Rubin writes in her Happiness Project, the endorphins generated during exercise help people think clearly. Even ten minutes of daylight stimulates production of serotonin and dopamine, brain chemicals that improve mood. And a ten minute walk clarifies thinking and boosts energy.
 The rate of depression in the West has increased ten fold in two generations, partly because of the increased time spent indoors, and the light deprivation and sedentary hours.
And Scripture mentions the best source of energy. This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In returning and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength,” (Is. 30:15).
 * * *
I have had a very busy fortnight—with some lovely things, a couple of parties, one of which I hosted, hosting people for lunch, coffee with others; and some stressful things, buying a motor home, which is out of our area of expertise, and a family member who is in a very bad mood!!
But there have been more positive than negative things (as there generally are in life!) Irene my 13 year old won two end-of-year prizes: one for Achievement (given to those with the highest marks in the year end exams) and one in a Speech Contest. She spoke on the importance and loveliness of chocolate!!—not on reading or exercise or healthy eating or any of the subjects I helpfully suggested.
Anyway, I am slightly off keel and stressed, so I guess I need to practice some of Antaeus’s stress reduction strategies—keep close to the earth, tidy up, garden, walk (and pray)!!

Chronos and Kairos–The Mysterious Right Time

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Koine Greek has two words for time, Kairos and Chronos. Chronos was clock time, chronological time. Kairos was special: “the right time,” God’s Time.

Jesus highlights the difference when he tells his disciples.  “The right time for me has not yet come; for you any time is right,” John 7.6. In fact, there are constant references throughout the Gospel to his kairos time, as when Mary tries to hurry her miraculous baby into action in the marriage of Cana, and he restrains her, “My time has not come.”
Kairos. Chronos. I have many ideas, many things I want to do. I can’t do all of them right now. So, I am learning to wait for Kairos, the right time, God’s time.
How? Hands wide open, ready to receive, ready to work.


But not fists closed in the act of grabbing.
                                            ~ ~ ~
Roy and I own a small business. We are champing at the bit to expand it as we have lots of exciting ideas, but though the kairos time to expand is very close, each time, I pray about it, I sense it is not yet at hand.  
Roy took early retirement in August 2010, after 21 years as a mathematician–all-consuming work. We are still recovering: there is still some sorting out in the garage; still about ten boxes not unpacked since we moved here from America in 2004. Our investments should be looked at; the house could do with a bit more organizing and decluttering. A little more work will make the garden truly a pleasure. The business has some nuts and bolts to be tightened. Roy wants to see to all this…
We talked over our lives with an older and wiser friend, a vicar, who, somewhat to my surprise, said that when one establishes the Kingdom of God (order, tidiness, serenity) in one’s external surroundings, other things fall into place. It resonated with me. First things first. External peace and order facilitates, enables and eases internal peace and order (though it cannot create it).
 So it’s not yet kairos time to expand our business. Soon, however–in a matter of weeks–it will be.
                                                               ~ ~ ~
When it is God’s time, it’s amazing how everything falls into place. Finance connections, friends appear, out of the blue, to help you; there are numerous coincidences–God-incidences.
So it is best to wait for kairos time before you force something through.
And the idea of kairos time explains why sometimes one might wait  and pray a very long time for something to happen–with no apparent results–and then it happens very quickly. For me, the times when things fall into place very rapidly, efficiently, almost magically is a hallmark of God’s activity.
                                    ~ ~ ~
I think of a reflection by Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision.


God answers all prayer.  He does not answer our selfish, materialistic begging.  He does not move into our sinful situation.  He moves us out of our sinful situation into Himself.  God sometimes moves slowly.  Sometimes we don’t lack faith, but patience.  Wait patiently for Him, and He will give you your heart’s desire.

1) If the request is not right, He will answer, “No.”
2) If the time is not right, He will answer, “Slow.”
3) When you are not right, He will answer, “Grow.”
4) When the request, the time and you are right, God will say, “Go.”
That’s when miracles happen.  
                                      ~ ~ ~

 When the girls were young, I desperately wanted to write, and trying to do so with young children, exhausted me, and not that much got read, or written. The state of the house was a constant source of irritation and contention, and in retrospect, I should have prioritized getting the house together, and put my writing on the slow track, as life had decreed it should be.
Now, however, is the kairos time to write. I don’t have many other  demands on me; the girls are quite independent; Roy does not need support from me in what he does; in fact, having retired early, he is able to run the house and the girls, and even help me.

So now, in the kairos time to write–I just have to shrug off distraction–and get down to it.
                                                                                               * * *
So how does one know if it’s the kairos time, the right time to pursue or achieve one’s heart’s desire?
You put first things first. You seek the kingdom of God in your life—what your life would look like if God were ruling it. If your heart’s desire is not appearing, you accept that it is not yet the right time for it, and continuing preparing, and waiting and praying and working towards–patiently.

And give us grace, Lord, for this is easier said than done!!

Ten Spiritual Lessons I Learned while Running a Small Business

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Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art
 

 1)  Everything starts with a good idea. And good ideas can be birthed in periods of intensive prayer. 
2) There is no area of our lives which God cannot invade.
Interestingly, it was a cognitive shift for me to realize that God cares about the business I run and about how I run it—-about money–because he cares about me. 
3) A good business idea will meet people’s needs. Look out for what needs exist in the areas in which you might like to work. Doing well by doing good, serving while making money, is a brilliant business strategy. I learnt this lesson, memorably, while visiting Wall Drug in the Dakotas.
                                           
4 Good ideas are not born in a vacuum. They rise out of the ashes of other things you have tried, and at which you might have failed.

People rarely stumble upon perfection immediately–the right genre to write in, the right business, even the perfect arrangement of plants in a garden. (Most good gardeners will move a plant three or four times until they find the right place for it, and most beautiful gardens are the third or fourth ones the owners have planted.)
If you need to start a business, and have no better idea, start small in an area in which you are passionately interested to develop skills, experience and ideas. Sell books on Amazon. Your favourite things on Ebay. Write and sell ebooks. Grow and sell plants. Start small and work in the field you are interested in—you will soon understand the market, see gaps in the market, areas in which you can serve, and do good while doing well.
5 Beware of Greed

If a business is more or less successful, then, you will make money–more or less.
And you must ensure that you are emotionally detached from the money—that you do not obsess over the trajectory of sales, spreadsheet graphs, and bank balances.
Because money is an excellent servant– Somerset Maugham likens it to a sixth sense without which one cannot properly appreciate the other five!!– but an insatiable master. “He who loves money will never have money enough,” (Ecc 5:10) 
6 The Pricking of Griefs
A business will not be devoid of hassle, no more than any other vocation on earth. In the world you will have trouble, as Jesus forewarned his disciples in his last conversation with them. 
However, with a certain detachment, one can conduct it in peace, because one lives in Christ–at a very good address indeed. Definitely on the right side of the tracks!
  
One can train oneself to work at a steady, measured pace, without overworking at the expense of rest, relationships, and physical health
Proverbs again has something to say about this, “Do not wear yourself out to become rich. Have the wisdom to show restraint.” (Proverbs 23:4)
So while hassles are an inevitable part of work and life, overworking leads to an accumulation of hassles, to a piercing with many griefs. 
It is important to set limits on how many hours you will work.   
7 It’s just money. 
That’s a really useful mantra. 
You, being human, will make errors, which will lead to financial loss, sometimes trivial, sometimes more serious. 
You will sometimes lose money because of other people’s errors.
You will sometimes lose money because of other people’s dishonesty.
And then, there is no point stewing about it. No point fretting. It’s just money.

Do not fret; it only leads to evil. Psalm 37:8
If however, a work relationship causes consistent stewing, stress, and aggro, and cannot be resolved, it’s perhaps time to sever the work relationship and move on. 
As far as possible, do not worry, or lose your peace about money.  It’s just money, an inert substance, which is given to you by your heavenly Father, and can be given again.
 One’s peace; mental, emotional and physical health; relationships and happiness–these on the other hand are precious–priceless!!-– and cannot be easily recaptured if frivolously squandered by stewing about money. 
Think rationally, not emotionally when it comes to conflicts or decisions to do with money. What is the outcome you want to achieve? Work towards that, realizing that it may well not be achieved. Either way, be at peace.
I think the non-violence Jesus recommended in the Sermon on the Mount is a sensible business practice. It is better to lose small amounts of money than waste time and peace contending with an aggressive person. 
 9 Optimism is a lucrative mental and business habit.
While there is some truth to that old statement in the Desiderata, “Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery”–and one learns the truth of this the hard way–optimism is a great business habit. 
Through trial and error, I’ve realized that most people are honest. There are some dishonest people, but it’s cheaper and a better business practice to believe that people are basically good, as the founder of Ebay, Pierre Omidyaar did, (though Calvin would disagree) than muck around with registering and insuring everything.
 Optimism and trust are good business strategies. Fear and suspicion on the other hand, are costly emotions–costly in terms of time, peace, mental and physical health–AND financially costly.

10 Enough
New technologies, the internet, social media are turning the traditional ways of doing business upside down.
There is a lot of money to be made.
But I don’t need to make all of it. Certainly not now.
“To the one who pleases him, God gives wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner, He gives the task of gathering and heaping, only to give to the one to pleases the Lord.” Ecclesiastes 2:26
God save us from the task of gathering and heaping, and teach us the meaning of enough.
  

Enough: A Magic Word at the Root of Peace

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 John Bogle, founder of the mutual fund, Vanguard, writes in his book, Enough, “not knowing what is enough leads us astray in life leading to the subversion of our character and values.”
He got his title after overhearing a conversation between Kurt Vonnegut and Joseph Heller at a party hosted by a billionaire hedge fund manager. Vonnegut tells Heller that the manager made more money in a day than Heller made over the lifetime of Catch-22. 
Heller quips: “Yes, but I have something he will never have: Enough.”
                                  * * * 
Enough. One rarely meets anyone who has it. And when one does, one is charmed by a merry twinkle in the eye, a sense of peace and freedom.
I suppose we reach “enough” by voluntarily hedging our lives—deciding how much we will work, and not working more than that, deciding how much money is “enough” and reducing our work hours once we reach that point.
                                                      * * *
Financially, my husband and I have reached the point where we are earning “enough” for us, and so are slowing down. We are still expanding our family business (because the laws of business are the same as the law of empires: either expand or contract; gain market share, or lose it) but only very slowly.
Roy was an academic, a professor with a chair in applied mathematics, but life was so busy that he decided he’d had enough. He’s written papers, won prizes, been elected to prestigious things, won numerous grants.
The cruel thing about academic research is that the concept of Enough is foreign to it. There is always more one can do–more papers to read, more papers to write, more connections to make, more stuff in a constantly evolving field to keep up with.
So he could do the same thing for another 20 years, or step off the academic treadmill, and have a slower life with more time for the garden, and the kids, and me, and God. He stepped off, and decided to work part-time in our micro-publishing company.
* * * 
There can be a treadmill in literature too, of course. Ars longa, vita brevis is an aphorism attributed to Horace. Art is long but life is short. It takes a long time out of a short life to learn an art. If one is perfectionistic as a writer or artist, enough will prove to be an illusion. You will never be good enough. There will always be more to read, more to learn, more practice. For years, this perfectionism dogged me, sapping the joy out of writing.
I have found peace as a writer by seeking God about what to read, knowing I won’t have read everything, but trusting him to help me to write the best I can with what I have read.
And in blogging, I’ve made peace with the best writing I can produce in a reasonable time frame. Made peace with “good enough.” One might not create pitch-perfect writing, but will have a lot more fun doing it.
The editor Ted Solotaroff who read and commented on my essays when I was starting out as a writer used to say that success as a writer is an exchange of one level of frustration, anxiety, difficulty and doubt for another. As it is in any career. The once coveted recognition is taken for granted, as one begins to crave the next rung on the ladder, and envy those on it!!
So to learn “enough” we need to take our eyes off the external ladder of success, and back onto the private pleasures of writing.
                                                        * * *

So what does Scripture have to say about when enough is enough?

A few things. I love this proverb. “Do not wear yourself out to become rich. Have the wisdom to show restraint.” Proverbs 23:4.

Jesus cautions, “Be on your guard against all kinds of greed.”

And then there’s Jesus’s wonderful parable of the fool who built bigger barns!! He lives in the future tense. “I will build bigger barns. And then, I will say to myself, take life easy, eat, drink and be merry.

God calls him a fool, because in fact, death overtakes him before he does any of these things. And God interrogates him, “All these things you have stored for yourself, whose then will they be?”

                                 ***

I liked the New Yorker cartoon which shows vulturous relatives gathered as a will is read. The will says simply, “Being of sound mind, I have decided to spend it all now.”

There is something sane and healthy about that, though I would not like to die with my finances quite so neatly balanced. “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’schildren,” Proverbs 13:22 An inheritance is a sweet and magical thing–goodness one hasn’t earned!!–and to bless your children with it that plays a part in people working for longer than they need to.
                                                        * * *        

For me, the only way to learn the meaning of enough is to surrender my use of time to God—to try to make the most of the gifts he has given me, within the constraints of a balanced life–and to leave the success or failure of my enterprises to him.
                                     
And learning the meaning of enough opens up many things–time for relaxation, time for friends, time for hobbies. Time to simply be.

The concept of enough has a particular piquancy for me because I find it hard to know when enough is enough, whether it is with buying books, or plants for my garden, or laying off the chocolate, or stopping work on something which fascinates me, or placing boundaries, or …. whatever…
                             
Fortunately, for those born restless, like I am, there is a source of Enough.

“Thou hast made us for thyself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you,” Augustine wrote.

There is rest, there is enough, in Infinity, in God, who has Enough, and Enough and Enough for even the most restless spirit.

And only his infinity can satisfy our infinite spirits.
                                                  * * * 
And ultimately, one can decide one has enough before the voices of fear might say it’s prudent, because of our faith in God who is enough, and has enough. Read this lovely short except from Heidi Baker’s There is always enough.