I read this on the blog of my good friend, Paul .
Mystics can also get stuck in their depravity and not move out in love. I discipled a brilliant, educated couple once because the wife wanted to “experience Jesus” more.
As I got into their lives, I told her that Jesus was at the bottom on the laundry basket. That sounds harsh but it fit her beautifully. She dabbled at some hobbies, but did no real work around the house.
She wanted to have a deeper experience of Christ without knowing love. I told her that you’ll start getting to know Jesus better when you start doing the laundry. Jesus was at the bottom of the laundry basket. That is just a simple exposition of John 14:21,23.
* * *
I read this with particular interest, because, as it happens, I am the woman he writes about. I was a volunteer editor of his first book,Love Walked Among Us, and he thanks me in the acknowledgements for teaching him to write.
I obviously taught him too well, for Paul, sadly, sacrifices veracity for sweeping statements. For “no work around the house,” read not very much, and for “dabbled at some hobbies,” read “wrote an essay which won a National Endowment for the Arts $20,000 award, published several essays and book reviews, won literary prizes, drafted a big book, and put in many of the 10,000 hours it takes to master writing.” So, take his description with a grain of salt, as you should take all writing except that of the saints!
* * *
When I first read it, I felt sucker-punched, winded!! And then, the overwhelming sense of God’s love, swept over me.
Well, I was being attacked for being a mystic, wasn’t I?
And I had an image of me, dancing with the Father, so close that none of these slings and arrows could touch me. I wrote:
Dancing with the Lord,
That’s the way I want to live:
moving in so closely
that I’m guided unconsciously.
He doesn’t mind my clumsiness,
the obvious inexpertise.
And when exhaustion
makes me stall, I climb
onto his feet, like a child
on her father’s toes,
and the dance continues
while His music plays.
* * *
But to return, where is God? In the bottom of the laundry basket, or in the utility room, or in the dirty dishes, as Paul said to me so often, as if it was the wittiest bon mot ever. And I, unsurprisingly, did not find it funny, at all.
It poisoned my life with guilt.
For I am made to write. When I don’t write, I am not fully me. Not doing what I am made to do. Not happy.
I get depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed. I gain weight. And neither the laundry gets done nor the writing.
I know this, because, oh, I have had dozens of tries throughout my married life of saying, “Okay, no writing till the house is tidy, everything in its place, laundry and dishes caught up with, everything ready for the Queen of England, or the King of Kings to drop in for tea.”
But when I try to get my house all picked up before writing, everyone else seems to get messier, and my motivation to live diminishes, and since I can’t write, I pick up a magazine or read online, “Just one last article,” and then, “Just one last article…” and neither writing nor housework gets done.
I went through the last “No writing till the house is tidy” five years ago, and mentioned it to a prayer partner. She said, “Why do you say that? You shouldn’t give up your writing?” And she came and helped me get my house decluttered. And cleaned it for me.
And Roy, who had steadfastly refused to have a cleaner, saying (in denial!), “I can clean it in no time IF….” finally agreed to get a weekly cleaner in 2008. Better than having Noelle come and clean our house for us!! And this made us pick up the house weekly. And so, this bone of contention—housework and who does it–which had dogged the first 18 years of our marriage was resolved.
* * *
Uncomprehending counsel. That’s another way women are harmed in denominations without sufficient female clergy. We are different genders, almost different species. Women are from Venus, and men are from Mars. Or Pluto!! Is that the most distant planet?
Men have a separate rulebook for women. Would Paul have counselled himself to search for God in the bottom of the laundry basket? Or counselled any “brilliant, educated” (to use his description of us) man to find God in a laundry basket? Roy and I took an IQ test when we had professional pre-marital counseling, and, to Roy’s surprise, we scored the same!! Is it surprising that it would be depressing for me to seek God in laundry while he sought God in academia?
Women have been crushed by this dreadful sexist advice for centuries, this Kinder, Kuche, Kirche. IQ and talent are equally distributed between the genders, and if you wonder why there are more male writers, artists, scientists, academics and theologians than female ones, well, blame variants of Kinder, Kuche, Kirche, children, kitchen, church. And oppressive theological counselling.
* * *
But I digress. The verse Paul quotes, with such immense self-satisfaction, interestingly says, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.”
And was keeping God’s word for me just doing laundry to free up more work time for Roy, and not using the writing gifts he had given me? But I was too depressed and too downtrodden to argue with Paul, and just quietly wasted more years to guilt and depression and general down-in-the-mouthness.
Some of the theology fed Christian women is just plain oppressive and cruel and very bad for mental health. And not very intelligent, either.
And probably makes Christ sad, who defended a mystic who sat at his feet while domestic activity swirled around her. “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
* * *
Yeah, once again, I was a victim of bad theology!
So is God found at the bottom of the laundry basket?
One of the first revelations I ever had into God’s heart, when I was 17, was that one should go down, as low down as possible to find God. God was born to poor people, in a stable, amid the muck and mire, hung out with the lowly, and died on the cross!
But that was a partial revelation. God is found in the depths, and also in the heights. In Calcutta, where I worked in Mother Teresa’s home for the Dying Destitute, but also in the gorgeous Alps.
The Word can be found in the words we craft. What I do is me, for that I came, Hopkins imagines everything crying. And since, people need clean laundry, God can also be found in the bottom of the laundry basket.
* * *
And where do I find God now? In my writing, and in domesticity!
Our life has changed since Paul wrote that blog post about us. Roy retired early at 47 from his job as a Professor of Mathematics, and now runs the house with intensity and mathematical precision. And finds God in the bottom of the laundry basket!!
I found it daunting to tackle my house when it had gone to the dogs, and I didn’t know where to start. Now that it is not disorderly (though not perfect), I devote a few hours to heavy duty decluttering, and tidying while the cleaner is here, getting rid of everything not useful or beautiful, and finding a place for everything, and putting everything in it.
AND and BOTH. They are beautiful theological words. God is both in the laundry basket and in the other work he has called us to do, and anyone who tells us he is found in just the laundry or just the writing is guilty of bad theology, and worse–sheer stupidity!
I’m glad you came to the conclusion you did. It seems that many Christians can only conceive of a God who can achieve one thing, one plan, one idea, concept or theology at a time, a linear God who has only one simple answer. Actually it IS simple as I think you’ve discovered, and I’m glad. Perhaps it could be described as life in all its fullness?
WOW! You’ve knocked this one “out of the ballpark” as yanks say if they follow baseball!
I guess I fell for the sexist definition of godly Christian women’s roles when I was a young, new Christian in the US, and feel some anger at myself at how I swallowed the dominant Christian culture, without sifting through the Scriptures in the presence of Christ (a little bit like Rachel Held Evans is now doing).
Hi Cat (Gospelsunshine),
Yes, it is very sad. And it has led many women (both in and out of the church) to become neurotic, frustrated, strident and critical. Gifts not used do that. Do you know the early American feminist classic, “The Yellow Wallpaper?”
On the positive side, God is indeed sovereign to all things. I taught Bible studies for years, but in 2008
in an episode I've written about here http://dreamingbeneaththespires.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/discovering-god-in-land-of-suffering.html
I took an (involuntary) break from teaching.
And I think I developed much strength and insight and closeness to God in the land of suffering. And when I came back to writing in 2010, and teaching in 2012, I was so much better and stronger at both for the enforced break.
The average Christian woman I know has a much deeper spirituality and spiritual life than the average man I know. Maybe it's our enforced experience of silence and “the desert.”
I don't well understand what's going on. Have theories, but still pondering.
Blessings to you in your ministry!
Thanks for this post Anita! It's wonderfully written and its something I have been thinking about for a while now.
I love to write, read, think and travel. But it seems that in certain Christian circles that once you are married you are meant to settle down and be chained to the kitchen while producing babies…
All of this makes me tired. I think you are right, a lot (not all) christian men have a different rule book for women – its so hard when I see gifted, intelligent women that have gifts of teaching and they arn't allowed to use them in the church. What is going on? I don't really understand.
Anita, I just posted some interior pix to my facebook page.
Extravagant Joy – love your last paragraph…sometimes I have to remind myself that God is always here…I don't always have to go SEEKING, sometimes I just have to be still and experience.
Thanks, Rachel. My dreaminess, and so far, inability to persevere strongly in things like decluttering, losing weight or waking early are character flaws, no question:-)
LA, I used to resort to inviting people over to motivate me to clean. This summer, I don't really have the energy to do so. Maybe in the autumn, when everything is more social anyway! Your house is unbelievably cool. Do you have some inside pictures?
Thanks, Sandra. Blessings on plugging ahead with both. Developing a blog is so absorbing, isn't it?
Extravagant Joy, I love your last paragraph. I wish I had done that in the days when I went with a cup to other men's well, instead of putting myself in touch with the ocean of God within and around me.
Oh my. Well I think you can find God at the bottom of the laundry basket, but I have to be honest I never have. I've found Him other places though.
Thats the thing, when we decide (read judge) how people live their lives and try to fix it…we put guilt shame and legalism on them.
Want to experience more of God? Spend time with Him…He'll show you the rest. Seriously, thats my motto.
I can so relate to this, Anita. – especially as I'm currently feeling down about the chaotic state of the house, wanting to develop my blog – and not really doing either.
I love your poem about dancing with God – a concept I came across whilst following Cindy Trimm's 40 Day Soul Fast: I posted a series relating my journey on my blog.
Also, God being both and – something I wrote about many years ago. It's not either/or, definitely both/and.
Thanks very much, from one Mary to another… Sandra
I just have a LOT of parties at the house – that way, I'm completely motivated to clean every inch. Living in an extremely unusual house (we have a geodesic dome) makes it so that everyone who comes wants to take tours – so everything gets cleaned for company! Then I get a wonderful evening with interesting and cool people and my house gets cleaned without me whining about it (which I usually do :)).
But I think that we are not necessary *what* we do, but *how* we do what we do. It really helps keep me grounded and not get too down about what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis.
Wow. I can't believe all your writing accomplishments were summed up with “dabbling in some hobbies”.
I'm so familiar with the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy regarding housework. I have finally come to the conclusion that I have at least learned to persevere at duties I hate and perform badly. It's some small comfort as I sort laundry.
But I do often feel like I have given up some part of myself by leaving some my own mysticism behind in favor of keeping things tidy, so I don't feel guilty about time spent “daydreaming”, which I hardly let myself do, because the toilet needs cleaning… well, it's a cycle, isn't it?
Thanks, friends. Yes, of course, I should have done more.
I always intended to do 50% of the housework, but I found (and still would find) the daily hours dealing with other people's messes, seeing the same dishes i saw before, the same laundry pile I saw before very depressing.
So on the days when I said, “I am going to do 2.5 hour of housework and then write,” I would stay in bed reading for hours, unable to summon up the motivation to begin my day. And I would feel depressed and listless.
Saying “I will read a favourite book, and write 500 words.” Ah, that got me out of bed with a spring in my step.
The point I was making was that writing was made a source of guilt to me instead of being seen as a God-given gift.
It was bad counsel–but I had a brain, and a spirit and should have sought God instead of listening to a counsellor.
I think counselling has an immense potential to do harm as well as good, and it not to be embarked on lightly.
Of course all this happened 10-15 years ago. I have since learned to pray and worship while doing housework and it's helped a lot, though as I said, I don't do loads, except for on the housework day.
Absolutely… where in scripture does it say that only men were endowed with spiritual gifts (or other talents)….
I'm wondering what you think it will take to change the church's views on this… it seems to me much of the church culture would advise like your friend Paul (though I have to concur with the commenter prochaskas above– that back then she would have advised you to take on some more household tasks– that advice sounds reasonable given the circumstances you describe).
I hear scripture being used to tell women to stay home, not work, that women should not be in a leadership role at church, etc. Will we always have two camps, two differing viewpoints, on this issue? Or do you think the church is changing somewhat, toward accepting women in leadership roles in church, but in essence, recognizing that both sexes possess gifts?
I can relate to what you say about housework and writing to some degree; I find that I have been most happy when pursuing writing, or some other intellectual pursuit, and making sure I maintain my interests outside of the home (I have found this to be especially crucial as a stay-at-home mom, a lesson learned after some hard years). If I have not written, I find I am restless; not complete, until I have made time for writing. I recognize I had seasons when I wrote little and realize they occurred at some very low times. You have been fortunate to have been able to pursue your passions– although I recognize it probably wasn't perfect or ideal for you; nonetheless, you had opportunity and what sounds like a rather supportive husband of your pursuits.
I am often oblivious to house-cleaning needs. 🙂 I tend to easily forget about the laundry pile and other household chores. I'm not sure why this is the case. It's not intentional… it's just that my mind goes (and indeed prefers to go) in other directions. Give me a whole day and I will not tire of writing, reading, blogging, learning, researching, etc., and my mind will not even think about laundry or cleaning (though the one area I will surely think of is feeding the kids, and what in the world I am going to cook! Hungry kids will keep reminding me, incase I should forget, ha ha!).
While the opportunity for such long writing days are not yet here, I continue to press on and make goals, and keep taking steps, one at at time. I continue to creatively seek ways to write as much as I can while I am in the midst of a busy season in life: home educating, writing, blog-writing, and much more… 🙂
Thanks for your post today, Anita, much enjoyed.
I read that Jan Karon couldn't write until her house was clean. Praise God, that is not how I run. I have learned in these last few years, if I write, the other stuff may fall into place. Company helps a lot, too.
I do fret about my charting for work(my paying job). Writing still comes first.
I like your final emphasis on BOTH and AND. That it's not so much wrong to advise people to fulfill their familial and communal obligations, but wrong to dismiss people's passions and giftings just because they're women.
I would have advised you to find ways to increase your participation in housework, too — and I would have advised Roy likewise if your positions had been reversed.
Your solution is like mine in college — if I did my homework first, it took up all the available time. But if I wrote a letter, took a walk, visited or called a friend, or made cookies first, then I could still get the homework done in the time left.
It seems that some people — a majority? I don't know — need more encouragement to make space to fulfill the more mundane obligations, but at least some of us need encouragement to firmly make space for our other desires.
CT3Sons: God wired us all for different things not “better” or “worse” things. I happen to find God in my housework…it's the only time I'm left completely alone with my thoughts. 🙂
Overall, I do tire of women who think I'm a “sell-out” to our gender just because I have chosen to be a stay-at-home mom. (I didn't get that impression from anyone who posted here, but I get a lot of it from various friend circles). I think that I have talents that uniquely qualify me to be the chief child care provider between my husband and I but every family is different and should do what comes naturally to them.
My daughter was raised by my first husband, it was practical for us since my career paid 3x what his did. She has grown into an incredible young woman. I stay at home with my son because of the two of us, I'm more suited to the task.
When I was in the hospital last week and my son was starting to get sick at home, he apparently turned to my hubby and said, “gee, Dad, I know you love me and will take good care of me, but no offense…you're just not Mom”. I apparently have “The Mom” thing going on 🙂
Thanks Rach and CT3Sons. And Drayton and Jennie, yes, I truly do believe in the value of domestic work, and that it grounds us.
However, for me, sadly, if I do it first, I get so depressed, and it drags on and I do neither the housework nor the writing.
It's been the bane of my life. If I decide the housework is my “first thing” and put it first, nothing gets done. If I decide the writing is my “first thing,” I can do housework as a break from writing.
So for me, the solution is to realize that both are important, but that I need to do my writing first, and the housework as a diversion from writing. Then I can function without either guilt or depression.
My husband deciding to be a househusband sorted out that conflict, but I realize that isn't practical for everyone.
In an ideal world, both men and women would each work part time and do half the housework and childcare!
Isn't this part of Brother Lawrence's practicing the presence of God? Without finding God in the laundry basket, we become resentful of service towards those in our family. But when we can find him anywhere, all becomes worship and joy.
I thank God when I do laundry because it means I have people I love to care for. I thank God for the dishes because I do not eat alone. And I recognize that an orderly house often bespeaks aloneness. I need the quiet joy of domesticity AND, as you say, Anita, the freedom to pursue what God has made me to do.
Thank you for your beautiful insights, once again. May our goal be to have all our moments filled with the joy of seeing Jesus. (:
Amen, Sister!
Some of us weren't called just to tidy up a home… God wired us for greater things!
Fabulous – so… permission giving, liberating…I too stopped writing for a while and wondered what was happening…the colours of life dimmed a little… I need the lights on – writing does this for me. Thank you Anita.
“who sweeps a room, as for thy laws,
makes that and the action fine.”
I would not normally quote an Anglican “divine”, but on this occasion it seems appropriate.