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Narrow Gates and Dark Sluggish Nights

By Anita Mathias

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I have not been particularly happy, spiritually, for the last couple of weeks, and I am not sure why.
I suppose as with weight gain (which, yay, I am tackling, having lost 6.5 pounds) or depression, there are a complex of reasons.
I blew it with a sweet lady who was working with us, and wrote a hurtful email. I took long to repent because I honestly could not see how else I could have reacted. And then I did see. I could have reacted in humility, and not in pride. Explain how things were making me feel rather than going on the attack.
Ah, not repenting. The heart becomes a stone. I remember a mentor saying that she got fed up of apologizing to her husband, and decided to stop apologising. And her heart become hard and cold.
And then, I am trying deferring–“submit to one another out of reverence to Christ,”–in a church relationship, which is new and unaccustomed behaviour for me. I guess I will just have to pray my way through this.
* * *
 Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. Matthew 7:13
What are these narrow gates into the Holy of Holies, into the presence of God?
Perhaps we each have our own. Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts says her way of entering in was always giving thanks. Hmm.  I have occasionally thanked God, while swimming, for everything lovely in the universe that I could think of, and got myself into an ecstatic state. But thanksgiving hasn’t been my gate, though I need to practise entering his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, entering his courts with praise.
* * *
My gates are murder. And they usually work.
One is absolute surrender, the title of Andrew Murray’s brilliant book. Oh gosh, just the phrase makes me squirm, I am so far from it.
But God is merciful, and a master builder.  A builder  works methodically, beginning with firm foundations, and basement, working upwards, ending with the fancy, finishing touches. One thing at a time, and the most important first, generally: digging deep, laying firm foundations.
So fortunately, when I say, “My life is yours, have your own way,” it’s just a single thing which goes. He reminds me to spend more time with the children. Or reminds me that my blog is his; that my fitness efforts are his; that the group I am leading is his. That my writing is his. That I should give in on some petty issue on which Roy and I are waging war. Stop stressing, stop worrying, hand it over. Let him work.
Repentance is another narrow gate we have to wriggle and squirm through to enter into life. Again, one of God’s outstanding traits is his mercy. We don’t need to go through our lives with a lice comb to find what to repent of. We generally know. It could well be our area of current unease. For me, alas, it’s often a species of idolatry, getting over-obsessive about writing, or blogging or success or money, about other Gods before him.
Sometimes, the spiritual unease is simple estrangement. I haven’t read Scripture long or deeply for a while. I haven’t been immersed in those eternal salty seas. No wonder then, I gasp and pant like a beached whale longing for her native element.
Or I am running, in the way Jonah ingenuously says, “I am running away from the Lord.” No spectacular sin, really, just idolatry. Auto-pilot: wake up, read, blog, exercise, garden, hang out with family. Avoid getting face to face with Jesus, looking into the blazing eyes of him who dwells in the bush which blazes and is not consumed; avoid stepping onto his holy ground, for then I will have to bend, and remove my sandals, and who knows what He might say. The longer I drift pleasantly at sea, far away from him, the harder it is going to be to hear him send me off to Nineveh.
 Yes, these are my narrow gates for entering the Holy of Holies: repentance, surrender, read scripture, hang out with God. Stop running.
* * *
Are there short-cuts into the presence of God?
For me, listening to worship music of surrender and devotion awakens my sluggish, bored, grumbly, snarky heart and ushers me into holier realms. Matt Redman, Misty Edwards, Michael Card, Rich Mullins, Ernesto Rivera are some of my favourites. Or anything Celtic! Yeah, such joy in the spiritual life, I realize. Such joy! And I am missing it!

You know when you just simply get bored in your spiritual life. The monastics called it accidie. Spiritual sloth or sluggishness. Torpor. Though at a pinch, you can still talk the talk, while your heart says, “Shut up. Fraud.”


It scares me when that happens. I remember reading The Gospel of John around 2003-2004 and it was electrifying. I felt Jesus walked into my  bedroom, early each morning, in his majesty and radiance. He spoke to me though that Gospel. Oh how alive it was!


But I am reading it now, and the words which were like an electric shock then, leading me into worship, are not quite as alive. My mind decodes and translates the words. Jesus says “I am the light of the world; whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life,” and instead of worshipping, my mind says, “Okay, so I need not struggle about the balance of writing books and blogging. Or how to lose weight. Jesus is the light. And he will not let me walk in darkness. I will ask him what to do.”  Nothing wrong with that, but it sure doesn’t beat worship.


So then, what are we going to do with this Anita, and her cold, dry, dull distracted heart?


I know what I am going to do. And it is, like almost all my spiritual solutions, a monastic solution. Benedict thought of it first.


Lectio Divina. Spiritual Reading. I read books written by men and women who have dwelt far more deeply in the holy places of the Most High.


George Mueller. Hudson Taylor. Bill Johnson. John Piper. Frederick Buechner. John Eldredge. Simon Ponsonby’s “More”. “Joy Unspeakable,” by Martyn Lloyd-Jones. Dallas Willard. Richard Forster. Brother Lawrence. John Arnott. Oh, anything good about experiencing the Holy Spirit.


Ah!  See what I was missing. See the joy I was missing. My heart starts beating faster. Excitement floods me again.


I read how Frank Laubach lived in the presence of Jesus though his Game with Minutes. Goodness, so living in the presence of God is that simple? All we have to do is train ourselves to pray through the day.  I re-read the lovely books of my friend Paul Miller, Love Walked Among Us and A Praying Life, and my heart beats faster. I want to pray like that!


I browse through my spiritual bookshelves. The Filling of the Holy Spirit. Miracles. Grace, Forgiveness. Prophetic words for the ordinary woman—“all flesh.” Guidance in one’s work or writing. Discerning the will of God. Spiritual treasures: Rubies, diamonds, emeralds of joy and excitement. And here I am drearily reading Proverbs and Leviticus and they are not speaking to me.


I place my dry, distracted heart in the fire of these writers, and it is strangely warmed.


You have made my heart come alive again, dear spiritual writers, friends, forerunners on the Way. And for that, I thank you.


Yeah, indeed this is the way to live. As a child of the Father, hand in hand with Jesus, overflowing with the Holy Spirit, feasting on the bread of life. Allowing ancient vintners, the Trinity and other lovers of God to pour the bubbling wine of joy into my heart.  


And I am made new again!

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Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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Recent Posts

  •  On Not Wasting a Desert Experience
  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
  • Trust: A Message of Christmas
  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
  • “An Autobiography in Five Chapters” and Avoiding Habitual Holes  
  • Shining Faith in Action: Dirk Willems on the Ice
  • The Story of Dirk Willems: The Man who Died to Save His Enemy

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Childhood, Youth, Dependency: The Copenhagen Trilogy
Tove Ditlevsen

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Amazing Faith: The Authorized Biography of Bill Bright
Michael Richardson

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On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Stephen King

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Acedia & me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life
Kathleen Norris

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Andrew Marr


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Opened Ground: Poems, 1966-96
Seamus Heaney


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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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