Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

Some Things I Cannot Do

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  The Lord asks Job out of the whirlwind
  “Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades? 
   Can you loosen Orion’s belt? 
   Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
   
   Can you raise your voice to the clouds 
   and cover yourself with a flood of water? 
“Can you provides food for the raven 
  when its young cry out to God 
  and wander about for lack of food?
Nope, Job could not,
And neither can I.
* * *

 Then Job replied,
   My ears had heard of you
   but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
   and repent in dust and ashes.”
And then, the Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first. Job 42:12
* * *    
                
Like Job, I have not entered the storehouses of the snow,
Or given the horse its strength
Who at the blast of a trumpet cries Aha,
Nor can I pull in leviathan with a fishhook.
Forget all this,
There are simpler things I cannot do without help.
Nope, I am not self-reliant.
* * *

 I am just beginning to learn
to eat the bread of the Holy Spirit.
when I am sad, glad, mad,  
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired
Instead of chocolate or cookies or a blood sugar exalting meal.
But guess what?
I cannot remember, or get myself
To eat this “real food”
Or real food
Unless you help me.
* * *
I don’t know very well how to finish what I began.
My laptop is littered with half-finished projects.
But you do know:
And your last words were
 And my only hope of finishing
is clinging to you. Abiding in you
I am not highly focused,
But you were.
And so nothing you did was wasted.
And if I just abide in you
I know you will teach me this purposive and focused living.
I am not great on the second command
I am a Mary,
I can sit at your feet and listen to your teachings
While chaos whirls around me.
Teach me love.
* * *
You have waited long for me to say this:
I cannot do life without you.
And long ago, you said it first.
The Son can do nothing by himself,
he can only do what he sees the father doing. John 5:19
“I am the vine and you are the branches
If you abide in me, and I abide in you,
You will bear much fruit,” you said,
“Without me you can do nothing. You will wither.”
By myself I can do nothing, you said (John 5:30)
And yet you did so much,
That John wrote,
Surely a bit hyperbolically,
That if everything you did was written down,
All the books in the world would not contain it.
* * *
So Lord,
How am I to be focused,
disciplined,
loving?
I only know one way:
(And that is okay,
For apparently you also only knew one way)
Relying on you and your Spirit
To fill and possess me.
“Pray constantly,”
Paul said.
Another Impossible Imperative
And that is my only hope for doing all the things I cannot do,
For destroying the crutch of comfort eating,
For working with focus,
For finishing the projects your gave me,
as you finished your great project,
and to have a heart like yours,
a heart of love.
My only hope: You!
To remember you,
To ask for your help,
To hang out in you,
As a branch in the vine,
As molecules of sap in the green, fruitful vine.

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  1. Oh thank you, Carolyn. I am so happy and encouraged when my work (failures, suffering:-) speaks to other people. Just had a lovely nosey around your site. If you're coming to Oxford for the Christian heroes of Oxford conference, perhaps we could have tea together?

  2. This is a beautiful post, Anita. Thank you so much. The sun (literally, on a dark Canadian February morning) came out as I read this just now 🙂 God bless!