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“You can tell the depth of a man’s walk with God by looking at the countenance of his wife’s face,” Bill McCartney, Founder of Promise Keepers

By Anita Mathias


You can tell the depth of a man’s walk with God by looking at the countenance of his wife’s face: Bill McCartney, Founder of Promise Keepers.

Bill McCartney was formerly the head football coach at the University of Colorado, and led his team to the national championship in 1990.
He said, “My last year as a coach was in 1994. My team was undefeated and was ranked third in the nation.
And then a visiting preacher said: ‘Do you want to know whether a man has character or not? All you have to do is look at his wife’s countenance, and everything that he’s invested or withheld will be in her face.’”
“I turned and looked at my wife, Lindi,” McCartney said. “I didn’t see splendor. I saw torment. I didn’t see contentment; I saw anguish. And I tried to defend myself, but I couldn’t. That’s really the reason I stepped out of coaching. I realized that before God I was a man without character.”
     * * *
When I attended a Presbyterian(PCA) Church in Williamsburg, Virginia, the men went off to Promise Keepers meetings on Saturdays. I, however, told Roy I would rather he stayed home and invested in the children and housekeeping than went off to a meeting which told him to do just that.
Roy and I were youngish Christians, and accepted a lot of what we heard uncritically. And so, for several years, when we wanted to assess if a man’s walk matched his talk, if private reality was the same as public projected image, if looking good was the same as being good, we looked at his wife’s countenance.
A face in repose, when it is unaware of being looked at, tells the truth. Bitterness, anguish, struggle, meanness, goodwill, prayer, gratitude—these repeated emotions carve expressions on a face as surely as glaciers carve river valleys. The unguarded expressions on a face tells the story of an inner life.
And so we began to notice, laughing at our private joke, many marriages “between the rich and the poor.” Where the man–pastor, apologist, evangelist, pastor, charity head–had the peace, and the wife had the pieces. Where he spoke lyrically, and her unguarded expression suggested she was keeping her act together with difficulty, that if she could do what she really wanted to do, she would place her head on her hands, and weep. Zombie expressions, hunted rabbit eyes, faces with strain carved into them: I saw these expressions on the wives of many men in ministry. Her Story. Meanwhile he spoke of the glories of the Lord.
What’s the old adage? HisStory was him walking on water. Her Story was total submersion, holding him up from beneath.
*  * *
You can tell the depth of a man’s walk with God by looking at the countenance of his wife’s face.
Many truths capable of being summarised in a sentence are, in fact, half-truths.
Women and men are, in fact, responsible for their own spiritual lives. While a loving spouse makes everything easier, as Christians we do get to choose our response.
We get to choose whether we will be thankful in all things, or not. Whether we will grow bitter or kind. Whether we will return good or evil, or not. Whether we will forgive, or not. Whether we will pray for the selfish over-ambitious spouse, or bemoan our lot. Whether we will contemplate Christ, or the unbearable strain of our lot. Whether we ourselves will be truthful and honest or get caught up in the charade of our spouse’s public image, even if it kills us. Whether we will choose pride or humility.
While perhaps our countenance might tell you a lot about our spouse and our marriage, God has given each of us the ability to choose our own holiness, and our own happiness, and the address at which we choose to live. Rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, or swayed by the shifting shadows of our day to day lot.
                                                                  * * *
Ruth Bell Graham, married to the most-travelled Christian leader of the century, maintained her own spiritual life, spiritual disciplines, and close relationship with Christ. Here she isruth bell graham

I read a painful biography called Man of Vision, Woman of Prayer by Marilee Dunker, daughter of Bob Pierce who founded World Vision. His single-minded, driven, globe-trotting ways caused the break-up of his marriage, much anguish to his spouse, and, she says, contributed to a daughter’s suicide.Portraits taken in the living room of Lorraine Pierce's home in Carlsbad, California. Photos taken for World Vision Magazine. North America - USA digital color horizontal

Two wives of similarly driven, ambitious Christian leaders. One becomes a happy and fruitful angel; one lands up separated, lonely and miserable.
Our husband cannot determine our countenances. We choose them–and they are the fruit of numerous small decisions. Be thankful. Or not. Be kind. Or not. Pray. Or not. Forgive. Or not. Love and bless and do good where we can. Or not.
                                                       * * *
 Well, when we were at Ffald-y-Brenin last month, Roy took refuge from the rigours of prayer by making home-made bread, and fancy roasts and stews, while praying. He was a bit of a Brother Lawrence. An old man came up to him, caressed him simultaneously on each cheek, and said, “Oh, what a happy face!”
I smiled. Off the hook.
And here am I. How’s Roy doing?
Irene and I. Notice the secret of Irene’s happiness in her fat little paw!

 

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Filed Under: In which I explore the Spiritual Life Tagged With: Bill McCartney, Billy Graham, Bob Pierce, Promise Keepers, Ruth Bell Graham

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Comments

  1. Tom Perkins says

    February 9, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    I stumbled across this article today. True, true, wisdom. As a chaplain and missionary, I was very sanctimonious about divorce…until I got married. After 31 years (this week!) we still have plenty of junk in our trunk and, yes, we threw the “D” word around way more than once. Frankly, I should be on the divorce heap myself and I won’t pretend that personal effort or an extra shot of grace from God pulled us through. Guess we’ll get the answers when we cross over. My heart breaks over divorce and it surely seems that a combination of “A types” and the crosshairs of the enemy set many a church leader up for failure. I tell our recently married sons that better, much better men than me have crashed and burned on an affair and not to ever think for once that they are beyond that. God certainly does provide wisdom, warning, and application on how to steer clear of the wreckage. I think that only one of two times in my life “pride” paid off. Making a promise in front of God and 200 people forced me to gut it out (and my poor wife!!) when things got very, very ugly.

    • Anita Mathias says

      February 10, 2014 at 12:40 pm

      Thanks for your very honest comment, Tom!

  2. Anita says

    January 4, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Thanks, Rhoda. Yes, it certainly takes time. I used to be very reactive, and even now can be shaken by grumpiness or an unkind sentence, and have to remind myself that I live at a different address, in Christ.

    @Jo, indeed. And if you want more ideas about home business, do email anitamathias1ATgmail.com. I am sure you're missing the sunny Philippines at the moment!

  3. Jo says

    January 4, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Excellent! Let be proactive rather than re active in our character development!
    Jo

  4. Rhoda says

    January 4, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I love this post, and I agree with your conclusions. That saying may be true to a certain extent, but as Christians our joy and peace should ultimately not depend on our husbands but on our relationship with God. It takes some time and maturing as a Christian wife to get to that point though! I remember Ruth Bell Graham being quoted as saying something like she considered herself married to God, or God being her best friend so I am sure that really helped her when her husband was travelling.

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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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