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Why is forgiveness so difficult?

By Anita Mathias

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What’s so hard about forgiveness? Partly, that it is an offence against justice. Someone has wronged us, someone owes us, and we simply have to let it go.
Not a good business practice. And on the face of it, a risky relational practice.

Not let it go once, but seventy times seven. Seventy times seven.

Sheer madness.

Like, like,  um… um…

Giving money generously when you still have a mortgage to pay, children to educate, an old age without adequate stock and shares to see you through? That dream holiday which may never become a reality.

And more, you give it to faceless people you will never see, this side of eternity.

Why?

Compassion. And….


When I force myself to be generous to those in greater need,  with money I should rationally keep for myself, I remind myself that someone sees. An mighty, magnificent audience. Of One. 

Who sees what I have done in secret. 


And in my time of need will give me what I need, full measure, pressed down, flowing over.

How do I know this? 

Two ways. Because Jesus says so, and I believe what Jesus says by faith. Everything he says which I have tested empirically has been true, so I also believe what I haven’t had empirical evidence of. (Like, um… hell!)

The other way is I know it’s true is that in my own experience, I have received what I have given many times over. Not necessarily from those I have given to, in fact, generally not. Someone was watching; someone was keeping track, that someone gave me what I needed when I needed it, many times over, that Someone is good and I trust him.
                                                                              * * * 

One of the hardest things about forgiveness sometimes is our sense that if we are silent, no one will ever know how we were wronged.

And if the injury or abuse happens in a church context, that the perpetrators will continue to sport burnished haloes in front of the church, while we, well, we know that inside they are “full of dead men’s bones and wickedness.”

It hurts when people have got away with sinning against us. When everyone thinks they are very fine people indeed, while we, we know otherwise.

That’s where faith comes in, and the connection between giving and forgiving. Just as we are content to give knowing that no one will ever know but Christ alone, so too we forgive knowing that God saw everything, he observed it, and it is in his hands. And he will see justice done. 


So we are releasing the debt owed us, the sins against us into the hands of a powerful God. He will deal with them with the same combination of justice and mercy as he deals with us.


We can forgive, partly because we are transferring our case to a higher court. And the verdict is up to it.


The Father saw, the Father knows, the Father will deal with it as he thinks best. And that is enough.


This is Stage 1 of forgiveness. Stage 2 is to love your enemies. I haven’t reached there. And the parable which I am considering in my Blog Through the Bible Project merely considers Stage 1. 
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
 Matthew 18
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Yeah, he’s showing off. Showing off his magnanimity. Hasn’t got it. ESV note: Within Judaism, 3 times was enough to show a forgiving spirit. 

 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Don’t keep track. Keeping track reveals that you might not have really got the heart of forgiveness, which is letting go of wrongs in mercy, as God lets go of your offences
Love means losing track. Love means a lifestyle of forgiving. Letting offences go almost as soon as they occur. Which is the royal road to happiness. 



23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
A talent was worth about 20 years of a day laborer’s wages.

   26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.


I grow more aware of cancelled debts as I grow older. I am amazed at the things God hasn’t punished me for, which he overlooked, which I appear to have got away with it. At his loving kindness, mercy and forgiveness of me, despite the many wrong things I have done.



   28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[
A denarius was the usual daily wage of a day laborer
He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
   30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
   32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 
That is the motivation for forgiveness which Christ offers us. That God has had mercy on us. That we haven’t had to pay up for all our sins and offences. So we just have to let some things go, into oblivion, or into God’s hands. 

34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
   35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
v.34 is almost literally true. We do live in a kind of torture, until we have forgiven those who have sinned against us. 
Wherever we go, if the offence comes to memory, it brings pain with it, and we re-injure ourselves.
As long as the memory of something makes you really angry, you have not totally forgiven–and are therefore liable to re-injury from the memory of the old offence. 


Forgiveness is ultimately a miracle. We can only do it if God gives us the grace to be able to. If God changes our hearts.


Change my heart, oh Lord. Give me some of your grace and graciousness.



  

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    Comments

    1. Maxwell Smart says

      June 28, 2013 at 8:44 pm

      It's difficult for me, I take things too personally I think.

      See Bible quotes about FORGIVING on http://www.HolyBibleVerse.com/Forgive.htm or search the Bible on http://www.HolyBibleSeach.net.

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    If you'll forgive me for adding to the noise of th If you'll forgive me for adding to the noise of the world on Black Friday, my memoir ,Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India, is on sale on Kindle all over the world for a few days. 
Carolyn Weber (who has written "Surprised by Oxford," an amazing memoir about coming to faith in Oxford https://amzn.to/3XyIftO )  has written a lovely endorsement of my memoir:
"Joining intelligent winsomeness with an engaging style, Anita Mathias writes with keen observation, lively insight and hard earned wisdom about navigating the life of thoughtful faith in a world of cultural complexities. Her story bears witness to how God wastes nothing and redeems all. Her words sing of a spirit strong in courage, compassion and a pervasive dedication to the adventure of life. As a reader, I have been challenged and changed by her beautifully told and powerful story - so will you."
The memoir is available on sale on Amazon.co.uk at https://amzn.to/3u0Ib8o and on Amazon.com at https://amzn.to/3u0IBvu and is reduced on the other Amazon sites too.
Thank you, and please let me know if you read and enjoy it!! #memoir #indianchildhood #india
    Second birthday party. Determinedly escaping! So i Second birthday party. Determinedly escaping!
So it’s a beautiful November here in Oxford, and the trees are blazing. We will soon be celebrating our 33rd wedding anniversary…and are hoping for at least 33 more!! 
And here’s a chapter from my memoir of growing up Catholic in India… rosaries at the grotto, potlucks, the Catholic Family Movement, American missionary Jesuits, Mangaloreans, Goans, and food, food food…
https://anitamathias.com/2022/11/07/rosaries-at-the-grotto-a-chapter-from-my-newly-published-memoir-rosaries-reading-steel-a-catholic-childhood-in-india/
Available on Amazon.co.uk https://amzn.to/3Apjt5r and on Amazon.com https://amzn.to/3gcVboa and wherever Amazon sells books, as well as at most online retailers.
#birthdayparty #memoir #jamshedpur #India #rosariesreadingsecrets
    Friends, it’s been a while since I blogged, but Friends, it’s been a while since I blogged, but it’s time to resume, and so I have. Here’s a blog on an absolutely infallible secret of joy, https://anitamathias.com/2022/10/28/an-infallible-secret-of-joy/
Jenny Lewis, whose Gilgamesh Retold https://amzn.to/3zsYfCX is an amazing new translation of the epic, has kindly endorsed my memoir. She writes, “With Rosaries, Reading and Secrets, Anita Mathias invites us into a totally absorbing world of past and present marvels. She is a natural and gifted storyteller who weaves history and biography together in a magical mix. Erudite and literary, generously laced with poetic and literary references and Dickensian levels of observation and detail, Rosaries is alive with glowing, vivid details, bringing to life an era and culture that is unforgettable. A beautifully written, important and addictive book.”
I would, of course, be delighted if you read it. Amazon.co.uk https://amzn.to/3gThsr4 and Amazon.com https://amzn.to/3WdCBwk #joy #amwriting #amblogging #icecreamjoy
    Wandering around Oxford with my camera, photograph Wandering around Oxford with my camera, photographing ancient colleges! Enjoy.
And just a note that Amazon is offering a temporary discount on my memoir, Rosaries, Reading, Steel https://amzn.to/3UQN28z . It’s £7.41.
Here’s an endorsement from my friend, Francesca Kay, author of the beautiful novel, “An Equal Stillness.” This is a beautifully written account of a childhood, so evocative, so vivid. The textures, colours and, above all, the tastes of a particular world are lyrically but also precisely evoked and there was much in it that brought back very clear memories of my own. Northern India in the 60s, as well as Bandra of course – dust and mercurochrome, Marie biscuits, the chatter of adult voices, the prayers, the fruit trees, dogs…. But, although you rightly celebrate the richness of that world, you weave through this magical remembrance of things past a skein of sadness that makes it haunting too. It’s lovely!” #oxford #beauty
    So, I am not going to become a book-bore, I promis So, I am not going to become a book-bore, I promise, but just to let you know that my memoir "Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India," is now available in India in paperback. https://www.amazon.in/s?k=rosaries+reading+secrets&crid=3TLDQASCY0WTH&sprefix=rosaries+r%2Caps%2C72&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_10My endorsements say it is evocative, well-written, magical, haunting, and funny, so I'd be thrilled if you bought a copy on any of the Amazon sites. 
Endorsements 
A beautifully written account. Woven through this magical remembrance of things past is a skein of sadness that makes it haunting. Francesca Kay, An Equal Stillness. 
A dazzling vibrant tale of childhood in post-colonial India. Mathias conjures 1960s India and her family in uproarious and heart-breaking detail. Erin Hart, Haunted Ground 
Mathias invites us into a wonderfully absorbing and thrilling world of past and present marvels… generously laced with poetic and literary references and Dickensian levels of observation and detail. A beautifully written, important, and addictive book. Jenny Lewis, Gilgamesh Retold 
Tormented, passionate and often sad, Mathias’s beautiful childhood memoir is immensely readable. Trevor Mostyn, Coming of Age in The Middle East.
A beautifully told and powerful story. Joining intelligent winsomeness with an engaging style, Mathias writes with keen observation, lively insight and hard-earned wisdom. Carolyn Weber, Surprised by Oxford 
A remarkable account. A treasure chest…full of food (always food), books (always books), a family with all its alliances and divisions. A feat of memory and remembrance. Philip Gooden, The Story of English
Anita’s pluck and charm shine through every page of this beautifully crafted, comprehensive and erudite memoir. 
Ray Foulk, Picasso’s Revenge
Mathias’s prose is lively and evocative. An enjoyable and accessible book. Sylvia Vetta, Sculpting the Elephant
Anita Mathias is an is an accomplished writer. Merryn Williams, Six Women Novelists
    Writing a memoir awakens fierce memories of the pa Writing a memoir awakens fierce memories of the past. For the past is not dead; it’s not even past, as William Faulkner observed. So what does one do with this undead past? Forgive. Forgive, huh? Forgive. Let it go. Again and again.
Some thoughts on writing a memoir, and the prologue to my memoir
https://anitamathias.com/2022/09/08/thoughts-on-writing-a-memoir-the-prologue-to-rosaries-reading-secrets/ 
#memoir #amwriting #forgiveness https://amzn.to/3B82CDo
    Six months ago, Roy and I decided that finishing t Six months ago, Roy and I decided that finishing the memoir was to be like “the treasure in the field,” that Jesus talks about in the Gospels, which you sacrifice everything to buy. (Though of course, he talks about an intimate relationship with God, not finishing a book!!) Anyway, I’ve stayed off social media for months… but I’ve always greatly enjoyed social media (in great moderation) and it’s lovely to be back with the book now done  https://amzn.to/3eoRMRN  So, our family news: Our daughter Zoe is training for ministry as a priest in the Church of England, at Ridley Hall, Cambridge. She is “an ordinand.” In her second year. However, she has recently been one of the 30 ordinands accepted to work on an M.Phil programme (fully funded by the Church of England.) She will be comparing churches which are involved in community organizing with churches which are not, and will trace the impact of community organizing on the faith of congregants.  She’ll be ordained in ’24, God willing.
Irene is in her final year of Medicine at Oxford University; she will be going to Toronto for her elective clinical work experience, and will graduate as a doctor in June ‘23, God willing.
And we had a wonderful family holiday in Ireland in July, though that already feels like a long time ago!
    https://anitamathias.com/2022/09/01/rosaries-readi https://anitamathias.com/2022/09/01/rosaries-reading-secrets-a-catholic-childhood-in-india-my-new-memoir/
Friends, some stellar reviews from distinguished writers, and a detailed description here!!
    https://amzn.to/3wMiSJ3 Friends, I’ve written a https://amzn.to/3wMiSJ3  Friends, I’ve written a memoir of my turbulent Catholic childhood in India. I would be grateful for your support!
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