The Pursuit of Happiness: The State of my Soul
Middle age is a great time for the pursuit of happiness. It has been for us (Roy and I) a time of slowing down, considering what we really want to do, shedding what we don’t.
Time to again interrogate oneself. Who am I? What makes me happy?
Well, many things make me happy! And that has been a problem all my life. People make me happy, learning things, exercise, gardening, travel, art, the arts, reading, writing, so many, many things.
And this term I tried to do many of them, and, as I blogged, http://theoxfordchristian.blogspot.com/2010/11/in-repentance-and-rest-is-your.html a couple of weeks ago landed up really exhausted, cutting almost everything, even parties I had been looking forward to.
Now I have picked up the pieces, and have a sparer schedule. I just love learning languages, which is something I do for its own sake, without a clear idea of how it fits into the master plan of my life, though I believe it will be useful, since of late, thankfully, we have been able to go to Europe 5 times a year (during every half-term and term break, basically, on culture and nature oriented trips). I have now got a tutor, a young, clever Frenchman, to come to my house, which saves me driving to classes, and also means that the class will be focused on what I want to learn, and my interests.
We’ve taken a long hard look at our calendar and diary, and discussed what makes us tick. We are both introverts. I need a lot of solitude, time to think, reflect, pray, meditate, dream, walk alone, exercise alone, read and write to be happy. If I have too much of activity or talking or even cyber-conversation, I find my equilibrium a little off balance. On the other hand, 3 intense days of reading and writing and thinking is all I can take without some extra-familial social life, to bounce ideas off people, and feed off theirs. So I’ve organized my next few weeks with two lunches or coffees with friends each week, and the rest of the time reading, writing, and blogging and hanging out with my family.
I am in the process of discovering a unique voice for my blog, and what God may want to do with it. It probably takes a year or two or writing to find one’s unique contribution to the Christian blogosphere, and what one can best and most usefully do. I now think my best contribution may be in being honest, even if not inspirational!! As I think I have said, I have led several women’s Bible studies over several years, and have got into the habit of being inspirational, and not sharing all the jagged edges and pain which are an inevitable part of both life and the Christian life. Just today, I read Anne Jackson’s Permission to Speak Freely, in which she says that by being really honest, haemorrhaging in public, so to say, you give people the gift of Going Second, being equally honest about themselves. Is this one of the things God wants to do with my writing? For me to be honest about what the Christian life really feels like and give people the Gift of Going Second?
God’s will is often revealed through a process of trial and error. But I have always found playing the boundaries more exciting than centre-court, so no doubt, I will find playing at the boundaries of the Christian blogosphere very interesting. (Just theorizing, only a few ideas for specific posts just yet.).
