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Church: A Place of Pain–and Healing.

By Anita Mathias

Church: A Place of Pain–and Healing

I spent a wonderful and healing couple of hours at a friends’ house over pots of tea recently. 

She said that there was not a Sunday over the last few years when she did not leave church in tears, and sob on the way home. I was astonished. Partly because this friend is a warm, loving, much-loved, highly gifted woman. Partly because it has also been my experience–though not over the last year, and not floods of tears, because I don’t cry particularly easily and besides I have young daughters whom I don’t want to upset–but the experience of leaving church very sad is a familiar one.

For me, for my friend, for many of my friends whom I have talked to. Probably many of your friends too.

Why? Well, we come into church with overly high expectations. We forget that everyone else is also a flawed sinner, just like us–though in the nature of things, some will be far wicker, some far holier. We forget that the church is a conglomeration of interlinking social circles, and the snobbery, social climbing, cruelty and exclusivism that are part of social life can and does migrate to the church.  That churches are full of people who have forgotten their first love of Christ, and view it as club to make friends and influence people.

Well, in the case of my friend–she is a very gifted woman, who had won acclaim, prizes, reviews, recognition in her field (a field which I have no giftedness or even competence to judge, so I am wowed by the external worldly corroboration of her talent). However, much younger people ran the ministry in which she had ministered for years–and she was not allowed to exercise her gift. 

This being forced into apparent unfruitfulness is a familiar source of grief to many of my women friends. 

My friend said that her days in the church are numbered.
                                                                               * * * 

Oh no! I thought. 

How does one know when to run, and when to stand still?

In our early years of marriage, we moved enormously with my husband’s post-docs, jobs, and plush visiting positions (no teaching, just research). Let’s see– from 1989 when we married, to 2006 when we bought our current (and please God, last house), we lived in Binghamton, New York; Cornell, Ithaca, New York; Stanford, Palo Alto, California; Minneapolis, Minnesota; Williamsburg, Virginia; Manchester, England, and then Oxford, England. 

And went to at least one church in each of these cities in which we were aliens and strangers.

How pick the church in which you want to put down roots for a season? When early on, I complained that the people of a particular church were not particularly friendly, an older Christian said dismissively, “You don’t go to church for friendships; you go to church to worship God.”

So that’s one test of whether a church is for me. Can I worship God well in the worship? Do the sermons speak to and minister to my spirit? Fortunately, for me, the answer is yes in the church I currently belong to, and so I stay. And I think as long as I encountered God in the worship and in the word, I would stay in a church.

But a church is also a community. I use the blessing test. Am I  being a blessing to people in the church? Sadly, at the moment, an out of church ministry is absorbing much of my time, so it is not clear whether I am indirectly being a blessing to people. I sincerely hope I am. I would so love to be blessed like God blessed Abraham, “I will bless you, and you will be a blessing.” To be a blessing in and of yourself, so that people are blessed just by being with you. A mentor of mine, Lolly Dunlap was like that. I recently had coffee with an Anglican priest and writer, Michael Wenham, who was also like that. I would like to be sweetened and gentled by the spirit of God to become like that too.

So I guess, if one can worship God, and bless people, one should stay in a church, even if it is a place of pain.
                                                                             * * * 

A few days ago, I had one of those tear-filled conversations which are trademarks of churches which are places of pain with someone who had significantly wronged and injured me. And not even with significant malice–just carelessly, not knowing the full extent of the hurt she caused me. Jesus says of the Jews, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And we never know the full extent of how we injure others. Or vice-versa. As a character in Hardy’s Under the Greenwood Tree explains, “What took up one degree of your circumference took up 360 degrees of mine.” And that’s the way it goes. 

And, phew, I forgave this person whom I had wrestled to forgive. (http://theoxfordchristian.blogspot.com/2010/11/forgiveness-weight-off-your-shoulders.html). For I was able to see standing behind the small her, the big Christ. The big Christ watching with concern as I shoved into a dark pit. Watching me there with concern. Waiting till things shifted in my spirit. Giving me a hand out. Leading me out of the pit into a place I would not have had time for if I had stayed in the busy place before-pit.Unbelievably using the pit experience to upgrade me. To release me into a ministry I LOVE and am rather good at (IMO) which I would not have had time for before my sojourn in the pit.

Small enemies; big Jesus. 

When church is a place of pain that is one reason to stay. Nothing can happen to you unless God permits it. God can use a wilderness experience to show you his love.  God can use the inevitable suffering when conceited and arrogant sinners rub up against each other to prune you, so that you are a better person after it. The pain of rubbing up against others (whether we were the sinners or sinned-against) is a part of pruning –so we may come forth as gold.

                                                                               * * * 
The Trappists added a fourth vow to the traditional three–poverty, chastity and obedience. This was the vow of stability. To stay in one place.

Why is it good to stand still? (I am an ex-Catholic, and as I may have said somewhere in this blog, in fact, wanted to be a nun as a teenager, and joined Mother Teresa’s convent. Hence my quotes from Catholics, in whose thinking I was immersed for so long a time). Thomas a Kempis writes in The Imitation of Christ, that wherever one goes, one takes oneself, and one will find oneself.

So, if the reason church has become a place of pain is partly one’s own sin, there is no sense in running. You will take yourself–and find yourself. Painful circumstances will repeat themselves with dreary monotony u
ntil have become the New Creation Christ intends to make you.

Here’s a favourite quote from Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision,http://theoxfordchristian.blogspot.com/2010/04/bob-pierce-founder-of-world-vision-on.html
“God answers all prayer.  He does not answer our selfish, materialistic begging. He does not move into our sinful situation.  He moves us out of our sinful situation into Himself.  God sometimes moves slowly.  Sometimes we don’t lack faith, but patience.  Wait patiently for HIm, and He will give you your heart’s desire.
1) if the request is not right, He will answer, “No.”
2) If the time is not right, He will answer, “Slow.”
3) When you are not right, He will answer, “Grow.”
4) When the request, the time and you are right, God will say, “Go.”
That’s when miracles happen.”

So, when there is suffering because of rubbing up against other people,don’t run. Because God has us repeat each class until we have learnt the lesson.  How much better then to grow?
                                                                           * * * 

And when one is innocent, like the friend whose story led me to write this. She is lovely. She just happened to be far more gifted in what she wanted to do in church than the younger mediocre people who ran that ministry. Who were threatened and jealous. Should she stay? 

Hard to say. I think of Milton plaintively writing of 
That one talent which is death to hide,
Lodg’d with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide.

And the answer he received from God,
God doth not need
Either man’s work, or how own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o’er land and ocean without rest.
They also serve who only stand and wait.”

So whatever gifts we have are from God. They are HIS. He can use them or not as he pleases. He can put one on the shelf, and present us with another (which to my surprise he has done with me, in recent years.) It is more important to learn to surrender our will and our spirits to him, and to learn to love people than to use gifts. For when the time is right, and God says GO, it is true, (though sometimes hard to  believe this) NO ONE can say No.
                                                                      * * * 
Butterflies are beautiful. Bees give us honey. So, if God has led us to a place, and has not told us to move, it is good to stay. And make honey there.

In one of most beautiful tales of redemption in American literature, (in literature?), The Scarlet Letter, Hester Prynne stays in the judgmental, bleak, cruel church and town which had judged and condemned her for her sin. She wears the scarlet letter A for adulteress. Through her humble acts of love and mercy, the letter A changes its meaning. Most people now assume it means A for angel!


So, until God tells us to move, it is, in my opinion, good to stay rooted in Christ, and grow and be fruitful like trees planted by streams of living water, which will bear their fruit in due season, and whose leaves shall not wither.

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Wandering Between Two Worlds: Essays on Faith and Art

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  • A Mind of Life and Peace in the Middle of a Global Pandemic
  • On Yoga and Following Jesus
  • Silver and Gold Linings in the Storm Clouds of Coronavirus
  • Trust: A Message of Christmas
  • Life- Changing Journaling: A Gratitude Journal, and Habit-Tracker, with Food and Exercise Logs, Time Sheets, a Bullet Journal, Goal Sheets and a Planner
  • On Loving That Which Love You Back
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anita.mathias

Writer, Blogger, Reader, Mum. Christian. Instaing Oxford, travel, gardens and healthy meals. Oxford English alum. Writing memoir. Lives in Oxford, UK

Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford # Images from walks around Oxford. #beauty #oxford #walking #tranquility #naturephotography #nature
So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And h So we had a lovely holiday in the Southwest. And here we are at one of the world’s most famous and easily recognisable sites.
#stonehenge #travel #england #prehistoric England #family #druids
And I’ve blogged https://anitamathias.com/2020/09/13/on-not-wasting-a-desert-experience/
So, after Paul the Apostle's lightning bolt encounter with the Risen Christ on the road to Damascus, he went into the desert, he tells us...
And there, he received revelation, visions, and had divine encounters. The same Judean desert, where Jesus fasted for forty days before starting his active ministry. Where Moses encountered God. Where David turned from a shepherd to a leader and a King, and more, a man after God’s own heart.  Where Elijah in the throes of a nervous breakdown hears God in a gentle whisper. 
England, where I live, like most of the world is going through a desert experience of continuing partial lockdowns. Covid-19 spreads through human contact and social life, and so we must refrain from those great pleasures. We are invited to the desert, a harsh place where pruning can occur, and spiritual fruitfulness.
A plague like this has not been known for a hundred years... John Piper, after his cancer diagnosis, exhorted people, “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”—since this was the experience God permitted you to have, and He can bring gold from it. Pandemics and plagues are permitted (though not willed or desired) by a Sovereign God, and he can bring life-change out of them. 
Let us not waste this unwanted, unchosen pandemic, this opportunity for silence, solitude and reflection. Let’s not squander on endless Zoom calls—or on the internet, which, if not used wisely, will only raise anxiety levels. Let’s instead accept the invitation to increased silence and reflection
Let's use the extra free time that many of us have long coveted and which has now been given us by Covid-19 restrictions to seek the face of God. To seek revelation. To pray. 
And to work on those projects of our hearts which have been smothered by noise, busyness, and the tumult of people and parties. To nurture the fragile dreams still alive in our hearts. The long-deferred duty or vocation
So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I So, we are about eight weeks into lockdown, and I have totally sunk into the rhythm of it, and have got quiet, very quiet, the quietest spell of time I have had as an adult.
I like it. I will find going back to the sometimes frenetic merry-go-round of my old life rather hard. Well, I doubt I will go back to it. I will prune some activities, and generally live more intentionally and mindfully.
I have started blocking internet of my phone and laptop for longer periods of time, and that has brought a lot of internal quiet and peace.
Some of the things I have enjoyed during lockdown have been my daily long walks, and gardening. Well, and reading and working on a longer piece of work.
Here are some images from my walks.
And if you missed it, a blog about maintaining peace in the middle of the storm of a global pandemic
https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/  #walking #contemplating #beauty #oxford #pandemic
A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine. A few walks in Oxford in the time of quarantine.  We can maintain a mind of life and peace during this period of lockdown by being mindful of our minds, and regulating them through meditation; being mindful of our bodies and keeping them happy by exercise and yoga; and being mindful of our emotions in this uncertain time, and trusting God who remains in charge. A new blog on maintaining a mind of life and peace during lockdown https://anitamathias.com/2020/05/04/a-mind-of-life-and-peace/
In the days when one could still travel, i.e. Janu In the days when one could still travel, i.e. January 2020, which seems like another life, all four of us spent 10 days in Malta. I unplugged, and logged off social media, so here are some belated iphone photos of a day in Valetta.
Today, of course, there’s a lockdown, and the country’s leader is in intensive care.
When the world is too much with us, and the news stresses us, moving one’s body, as in yoga or walking, calms the mind. I am doing some Yoga with Adriene, and again seeing the similarities between the practice of Yoga and the practice of following Christ.
https://anitamathias.com/2020/04/06/on-yoga-and-following-jesus/
#valleta #valletamalta #travel #travelgram #uncagedbird
Images from some recent walks in Oxford. I am copi Images from some recent walks in Oxford.
I am coping with lockdown by really, really enjoying my daily 4 mile walk. By savouring the peace of wild things. By trusting that God will bring good out of this. With a bit of yoga, and weights. And by working a fair amount in my garden. And reading.
How are you doing?
#oxford #oxfordinlockdown #lockdown #walk #lockdownwalks #peace #beauty #happiness #joy #thepeaceofwildthings
Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social d Images of walks in Oxford in this time of social distancing. The first two are my own garden.  And I’ve https://anitamathias.com/2020/03/28/silver-and-gold-linings-in-the-storm-clouds-of-coronavirus/ #corona #socialdistancing #silverlinings #silence #solitude #peace
Trust: A Message of Christmas He came to earth in Trust: A Message of Christmas  He came to earth in a  splash of energy
And gentleness and humility.
That homeless baby in the barn
Would be the lynchpin on which history would ever after turn
Who would have thought it?
But perhaps those attuned to God’s way of surprises would not be surprised.
He was already at the centre of all things, connecting all things. * * *
Augustus Caesar issued a decree which brought him to Bethlehem,
The oppressions of colonialism and conquest brought the Messiah exactly where he was meant to be, the place prophesied eight hundred years before his birth by the Prophet Micah.
And he was already redeeming all things. The shame of unwed motherhood; the powerlessness of poverty.
He was born among animals in a barn, animals enjoying the sweetness of life, animals he created, animals precious to him.
For he created all things, and in him all things hold together
Including stars in the sky, of which a new one heralded his birth
Drawing astronomers to him.
And drawing him to the attention of an angry King
As angelic song drew shepherds to him.
An Emperor, a King, scholars, shepherds, angels, animals, stars, an unwed mother
All things in heaven and earth connected
By a homeless baby
The still point on which the world still turns. The powerful centre. The only true power.
The One who makes connections. * * *
And there is no end to the wisdom, the crystal glints of the Message that birth brings.
To me, today, it says, “Fear not, trust me, I will make a way.” The baby lay gentle in the barn
And God arranges for new stars, angelic song, wise visitors with needed finances for his sustenance in the swiftly-coming exile, shepherds to underline the anointing and reassure his parents. “Trust me in your dilemmas,” the baby still says, “I will make a way. I will show it to you.” Happy Christmas everyone.  https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/24/trust-a-message-of-christmas/ #christmas #gemalderieberlin #trust #godwillmakeaway
Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Look, I’ve designed a journal. It’s an omnibus Gratitude journal, habit tracker, food and exercise journal, bullet journal, with time sheets, goal sheets and a Planner. Everything you’d like to track.  Here’s a post about it with ISBNs https://anitamathias.com/2019/12/23/life-changing-journalling/. Check it out. I hope you and your kids like it!
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