Anita Mathias: Dreaming Beneath the Spires

Anita Mathias's Blog on Faith and Art

Archives for 2012

Take a handful. Yes, really! (Guest Post by Jo Royal)

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She offered the tin of Celebrations to my son.  Chocolates!  He shuffled to the edge of his seat, and peered into the open tin.  His eyes widened as he examined the full tin of brightly coloured favourites.  

His hand hovered over the chocolates.  He paused, looked up, wordlessly asking, ‘How many am I allowed to take?’  With astute perception, she answered ‘Take a handful.’  And that is what he did!  A rather huge handful!  

When my embarrassment subsided, I considered my son’s literal interpretation of ‘take a handful‘.  To him this provided an opportunity to scoop up as many chocolates into his hand as he could physically manage.  Why wouldn’t he?  He loves chocolate!  It makes sense.  

Would we have done the same?  I am not so sure.  To most adults (myself included) the same phrase usually triggers a different response.  ‘Take a handful‘ – becomes interpreted as ‘take a few because you don’t want to look greedy.’  The consequence of this interpretation results in the adult taking their hands out of the offered tin with only one or two chocolates.  How polite!

So, whilst children get to enjoy their acquired feast, adults are left with a tantalising taste of chocolate in their mouth.  Politeness aside – why do we do this?  If we are offered a handful of chocolates, why do we not take it literally and grab as many as we like?  After all, the offer is there and we love chocolate!

* * *

As I reflected on this response, it dawned on me that the inclination to settle for less does not stop with chocolates.  It may have an impact on an untold number of experiences in our lives.  Take a handful, go for it, follow your dreams …


But we don’t.

We tell ourselves that we are not good enough.

We believe that we do not deserve it.

We assume that the offer is not really meant for us.

Nonsense!  Why do we think this way?

These incorrect understandings are often deeply embedded in our lives, resulting in mediocrity being accepted as norm.  Our ability to learn, to enjoy life, to love and be loved, is hindered as the ‘take only a few’ reaction kicks in.  We stifle our experiences and our ability to fully participate in life, and say that this is ok.

However, Jesus came to give us ‘life to the full’ (John 10:10).  Not a life living in the shadows or accepting second best.

This fullness of life includes being offered total forgiveness of sins, unconditional love and full acceptance into God’s family.  And yet, our immediate response can result in us being unable to fully accept this.   

Let’s find out and understand what God is offering, and reach in and grab all we can.  Jesus died in order to make this possible for us.  God will not be offended or think we are greedy if we ‘take a handful‘ – because when he offers it to us he really means it.  He loves us and wants us to experience all he has for us – so we can live our life to the full with him. 

Ready to grab a handful? 🙂

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Jo Royal is the Assistant Pastor at Wessex Christian Fellowship in Basingstoke, Hampshire. She blogs at All in Day.
Thanks, Jo:-)

15 Minutes of Infamy, Public Golgothas, and Blessed is He who does not sit among the mockers

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The Cross: it’s like a tardis, with a vast number of rooms and corridors. The more you contemplate it, the bigger it becomes.I was brought up Catholic, and was trained to meditate by putting myself in the picture, a staple of Ignatian meditation. So I read Eph. 2:13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ and visualized Calvary.

 

I hoped I would have been one of those who pushed through to wipe the face of Jesus, who dipped a sponge in wine vinegar. That surely I would not have been among the mocking crowd.

 

But would I? Very few stood by Jesus: the Marys and John. Peter and the disciples had fled. The crowds who acclaimed him as he entered Jerusalem—vanished. They were now a mocking mob chanting, “He trusted in God, let God deliver him. Let him deliver if he delight in him.”

* * *

Where would I stand, with the mocking, mobbing horde, or with the quiet succourers?

You see, Jesus had been disgraced. He was subject to a myriad false accusations. He had been brutalized, savaged, and humiliated. Ridiculed and made into a laughing stock. Everyone said he was wrong, ridiculous and dangerous—telling them to destroy the temple, and not to pay taxes to Caesar.

He was mobbed. Only a very few had the courage not to join the mockers.

* * *

Blessed is he who does not sit in the company of mockers, Psalm 1 declares. I want to be blessed. And so I want to avoid the ugliness of mockery, which diminishes the mocker more certainly than it diminishes the object of mockery.

Sadly, both because of my cast of mind, and the company I’ve kept, irony, sarcasm, and mild mockery come naturally to me, so I guess I need some retraining of the mind.

* * *

Here’s a possible way of guessing at what kind of men and women we might have been at Calvary:  Standing with the mockers, or the compassionate.

In my 34 months in the Christian blogosphere, I’ve noticed that pretty much every month, a follower of Christ makes himself, or is made, into an object of international public derision.

Mark Driscoll who baptized 1392 people in 2011 alone declares that the UK church are “a bunch of cowards,” “guys in dresses, preaching to grandmas.”

He is mocked and condemned on most blogs, though he qualifies his statement.

Mark Driscoll also said…Well, let me not go there. I am not a fan, of course; I just don’t want to take my seat among the mockers.

    * * *

John Piper dismisses a young, wildly popular preacher with a three word tweet, Farewell, Rob Bell. The blogosphere explodes in mockery and condemnation of Piper who has written one of the best Christian books of the last twentieth century, Desiring God.

As it does, when John Piper declares he knows why a tornado hit Minneapolis on the day the Lutherans were debating homosexuality. The message of the tornado, he says was, Turn from the approval of sin. 

* * *

  Pat Robertson says the earthquake and the string of disasters which have cursed Haiti was a result of their ancient national pact with the devil. That there is a connection between terrorist attacks on America, Hurricane Katrina and American sin. He is widely mocked and scorned because, well, we are in the 21st century, without anyone considering that the Old Testament continually talks about curses on nations, peoples, and families, though well, all that seems Old to us. But Jesus warned of such things too.

And we all mock the self-professed Christ-followers on the fringes of faith—poor deluded Harold Camping, or beyond the pale, Burn a Koran Terry Jones, or Westboro Baptist Church. Or anyone really, who gets too politically incorrect, as the younger Graham does, all the time, in calling Islam wicked and evil. (Though as I wrote in a very early blog post I can see why he thinks so.)

* * *

Andy Warhol famously said, “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.” Well, the flip side of that could be that everyone who is in any way a public figure, might make themselves the object of public opprobrium for least 15 minutes, whether on a public or private stage.

Even our Christian brothers and sisters. And the issue is: are we going to join the mobs baying for their blood? This lowers us far more than it lowers them. They have already been publicly diminished. We diminish ourselves by our eagerness to kick and stone the man or woman who is already down.

So, will we join the mocking hordes at their Golgothas, or be the discreet and kind who quietly pray, knowing: There, but for the grace of God, go I?

Will we be the One who is blessed, who does not sit in the company of mockers? (Psalm 1).

I want to be blessed, and I do not want to mock, and Lord, please lead me not into temptation.

Thorns, Flesh and Unanswered Prayers

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 In a poignant  and fascinating chapter, Paul, somewhat coyly, talks about a man (himself) who received  visions and revelations, was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things. 
But alongside these “surpassingly great revelations” he had “a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor. 12)
·      * *
Paul has a weakness (commentators suggest a psychological struggle, an emotional struggle, a physical malady, or demonic assault) and begs Christ to free him from this weakness which causes intense, continuous pain and harassment, this thorn in the flesh.
And Christ answers. “No. You are over-gifted. You can too easily grow conceited. You need a ever-present weakness to teach you that you need me. To prevent you from looking down on the 99% of Christians who are less gifted, less intense, less spiritual, less committed.
I will give you a weakness so that you will need to lean on me daily.  And I will give you grace sufficient to overcome it—but only enough for the day.
I will not remove the thorn. Tomorrow, the pain will be as sharp, as excruciating, and again, you will need to turn to me, and again I will give you grace sufficient to overcome.
And again, the next day. Temptation, wrestling, deliverance.
You will need to rely on me every day.
And my power will be demonstrated perfectly in your daily weakness, your SOS’s for my strength, in my grace which will come perfectly in your heart of need.
Yes, perfectly, more perfectly than in the letters you wrote, the visions you saw, your intuitive understanding of me, the grasp of theology I gave you, the literary flair I gave you, the intensity and forceful personality I give you which you will so stamp on Christianity, that your name will be only second in influence to mine.
And Paul says, “Is that indeed true? Do I need to know weakness to be truly strong? Do I need to know powerlessness to know your power?
Then, I will no longer wrestle.  I will accept my weaknesses.”
* * *
Many, many years ago, when I was 16, a beloved nun at school, Sister Josephine, took me aside, read this passage to me, and explained it. Water off a duck’s back.
Even today, to be honest, I understand it intellectually, but not experientially.
* * *
But I have a thorn in the flesh, I have not been able to pray off. And, the thorn in my flesh is my flesh.  See above–too much of me!! Too many years of medicating sadness with chocolate, not scripture. Of seeking to feel hyper with crisps (potato chips for you, Americans) and chocolate biscuits (cookies for Americans). Of bonding over gargantuan meals. Of eating because I enjoyed the taste, quite apart from hunger or satiety.
Eating for comfort, for pleasure. Choosing immediate comfort, rather than the more esoteric and slower comforts of immersing myself in God.
Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. James says (5:13). Well, I have done so. Also.
But, but, but….though Scripture is like honey, like the choicest of foods, it takes longer for its joy to enter your bloodstream, and is slower to act than chocolate. I can get totally hyper over the things of God—however, chocolate gets me there sooner.
Some of it is not being able to tolerate sadness or low spirits. Not aligning myself with the Most High God until I see things with his heavenly eyes, until I am full of faith again, and full of joy.
Of instead choosing something with short-term relief and long-term misery.
·      * * *
I cannot just accept my weight and eating habits, partly because unless I do something, I will continue to gain weight. (:
And I can see that putting it on a prayer list, even three times, is not going to do the trick.
It is going to be a matter of WORKING OUT my salvation, trusting God day after day in the moments of temptation, relying continually on his grace.
·      * *
Lord, I would so much rather receive visions and revelations from you, be caught up to paradise and hear inexpressible things. 
But one way for me to experience your perfect power, and your strength in my weakness will be to lean and depend on you through daily battles with the thorn and weakness in my flesh.
So be with me, Emmanuel!

An account of my experience of depression

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Coincidentally, I have had 4 friends who have taken this coursein Wales, and all of them have made an amazing recovery from Chronic Fatigue and ME.
From talking to two of them, I learned that they have been trained to stop negative thoughts in their tracks, and self-talk positively (well, among other changes). This gradually stops seepage of energy, depletion of serotonin, the continuous depletion of adrenalin.
* * *
I am enjoying Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts. She describes the dramatic effect that living in thanksgiving and gratitude had on her emotional life.
I read it and felt sad. I felt I had wasted years of my life in anger, blaming others, worry, anxiety and negativity.
If I had lived with thanksgiving and gratitude, how much easier would my life have been. I think of the early years with children, when I was so angry at Roy for not helping more, and so worried that I could not read and write more that I worried myself into a depression.
A real, clinical depression! My reading speed slowed down dramatically, I got into the bad habit of re-reading paragraphs. I wrote slowly, obsessively revising, second-guessing myself, not releasing anything that was not close to perfection.
* * *
I saw a doctor, took anti-depressants, which were like being reborn.
I strongly recommend this course of action. Depression, lethargy, a slowing down might be caused by sin—anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, anxiety, self-hatred, self-condemnation.  However, the serotonin-raising medication raises your mental and emotional platform, so to say, gives you the strength to embark on soul-searching, repentance, scripture study, a thorough course of renewing the mind.
And from these things, not the medication, one tastes the peaceable fruits of lasting change.
·      * *
Not being a therapist, I would hesitate to pronounce on anyone else’s experience of depression.
I probably don’t understand my own well enough.
But I can say this: Had I trusted God more, I would have been less anxious.
Had I been able to surrender the outcome of my life (success or failure) to God (and I struggle with this even today), I would have been less anxious.
Had I been thankful for what Roy did do to help, instead of being angry about what he did not do, I would have been less angry, slept better, gained less weight, had more mental peace to write.
Had I surrendered myself to God’s will and been able to accept time and seasons, instead of freaking out that I wasn’t able to read and write when my children were little (and my only ambition was to write) I would not have worn and depleted myself with worry and anxiety, and striving against the tide.
* * *
But you know what, I am going to thank God even for the years the locusts have eaten.
They have made the truths of living in thankfulness more precious to me.
They have taught me the important of positive thinking in the sense of trust, surrender, and gratitude.
I have learned the important of trusting God, not myself, or any human “saviour.”
·      * *
Take and redeem, Lord, even the years I have wasted in sinful attitudes (even though I was a Christian at the time).
Just as you redeemed Joseph’s boastfulness by taking him to Egypt, ensuring he saved many lives.
Just as you redeemed Jacob’s restless scheming by breaking his hip in that midnight wrestling match, teaching him that blessing comes from you alone (as I too have learned).
Just as you redeemed Moses’ hot temper, ensuring that lead him to the desert, where he saw the bush which burned and was not consumed.
Just as you redeemed David’s lust, by bringing out of that partnership one of the wisest men who ever lived.
·      * *
·       
Take the life I have lived, Lord. Redeem it.
Bring forth beauty from ashes,
joy instead of mourning,
a garment of praise, instead of a spirit of despair.

The Joy of Christian Writing: Writing with the Whole Orchestra

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I went through the Sonship course about 15 years ago with one of its authors, Paul Miller. I remember listening to the tapes his dad, Jack Miller of World Harvest Mission made as I walked the dog.

He talked with such intimate fellow-feeling of Spurgeon, Wesley, Whitfield, theology. He loved these guys; theological concepts were real and exciting to him. He got really, really excited talking about theology and Scripture–as I do!!

I was then working on a big secular book.  My eyes filled with tears as I listened to Jack Miller, because theology so excited me, the things of the Spirit so excited me that I wanted to spend all day splashing in the waves of God. But I believed my calling and my training was to secular, literary writing.

Besides, Paul who was then discipling me said, rightly or wrongly, that I hadn’t progressed enough in my discipleship to write a Christian book with integrity. And so I plugged on with my secular writing, with the fire dying down.

(I wish I had discovered blogging then. Christian blogging is not about having the answers. It’s about recording the journey.)

* * *

 On Sunday afternoons, we used to take the girls to the splendid Williamsburg Regional Library. I noticed my interests had changed when instead of picking up the “New Yorker,” “Atlantic” or “Harpers,” and fretting about when I would get there, I found myself picking up “Christianity Today” because, actually, the theological essays were what interested me.

My Oxford degree in English, my Masters in Creative Writing, the Ph.D work in Creative Writing—I am sure I still subliminally use that knowledge and skills in my blogging and Christian writing.

Annie Dillard said that moving from writing poetry to writing creative non-fiction was like moving from playing a single instrument to playing with an entire orchestra.

I felt like that while moving from secular writing to Christian writing.  I am now writing using my whole mind, spirit, heart and strength. I am no longer smuggling my faith on board, like a stowaway, but am having her captain the ship instead. The captain is not always on duty; Christian writing is not always about faith, but faith does set the course for the work.

* * *

I have long been inspired by song-writers like Matt Redman, Michael Card, and Rich Mullins whose music flows out of their devotional life. I longed to be like that, for writing to flow out of my spiritual life.

In blogging, I have found that place.

If my spiritual life is flat and dull; if I am consumed by distraction and ignoring Him; if I am persisting in something I recognise as sin by ignoring the whispers of conscience; if I am running from God, if I am refusing to forgive–there is no fun in writing a spiritual blog. It takes longer; it’s flat and wooden; there is not much life in it, and, interestingly–it often falls flat with readers.

The fun blog posts flow out of my spiritual life. And then there is such joy in expressing something dear to me, that I don’t hugely care about page views, I have so enjoyed writing it. Rilke describes this in his Letters to a Young Poet.

“You ask whether your verses are any good. You ask me. You have asked others before this.   Now I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing.

Write about what your everyday life offers you; describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in beauty. Describe all these with heartfelt, silent sincerity.

And if out of this turning within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not, for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it.