“Burying conflict by ignoring it and focusing on the positive leads to more explosive situations.” That’s true.
Sometimes though both Roy or I could do something (out of selfishness or passive aggression) that makes the other one helplessly, hopelessly angry.
And anger can be a whirlpool or wildfire that sucks you in.
So once one has expressed one’s resentment or anger, and vented, I find distraction is a better technique– and realizing that one has married an imperfect sinner, that he or she will always be an imperfect sinner, that change is very difficult and happens very slowly (when it does) so it is more constructive to accept that you have married an imperfect person who has messed up rather than to fume about his or her imperfections!! 🙂

“Products of parenting *style* in my classroom”. Sorry about that, sometimes my iPad tries to guess what I meant and my keypad is notorious for not catching all the letters.

There was a movement afoot not terribly long ago in parenting circles to never show or be “angry” with your kids. I have had the products of that parenting sale in m classrooms and I can tell you the word “exasperating” doesn’t even come close.

For better or worse, our brains are programmed to respond best to certain things. We will continue an offensive behavior unless we get a negative reaction to it. (Arguably there are some that will still continue the behavior even after the negative effect, but those are complex situations.)

I am a believer of appropriate, well-delivered anger about things. Conflict resolution experts agree that empathy for a situation is only achievable if the empathizer can “see” signs of the empathizee’s feelings and emotions. Burying conflict by ignoring it and focusing on the positive leads to more explosive situations.

Rather than a silver lining, I try to focus on what I’m meant to learn from each happenstance. There is something to learn in all occurrences, both positive and negative. And each opportunity to learn is a good thing even if what I’m learning is a tough lesson. For me, the act of learning to be a better person is the positive silver lining in every dark cloud.

I guess I’d say “It’s best to express anger to a carefully chosen listener, with a heart toward diffusing and releasing it, looking for God’s perspective” — but that’s a lot wordier!!

” If I am struggling, I need to go to God with my concerns and seek help from others who won’t judge and who are able to minister to me with the Lord’s compassion. Speaking from my own experience, God can and does help.” YES
Yes, I wasn’t recommending pretending, of course, but recognizing that God might be weaving a good story even if we can’t see it. And recognising the silver lining in most situations. And I kind of like the philosophy of giving thanks in all circumstances.

Thanks Marcy. And oddly, I agree with you.
I guess I did take a simplistic approach to complex things.
As I said, I am personally converting from “it’s best to express anger,” to “it’s often best to express anger to God” because expressed anger is like wildfire, it feeds itself, it spreads, it causes unintended damage. Also, we are instinctively story-tellers, and when we feed and express anger, we shape stories to justify it, and the stories may not necessarily be true, but may make us angrier!

Thanks, Ruth. I truly believe it!

Yes, there’s absolutely no good in pretending. I once heard a woman on a religious channel say that for Christians there is no need to feel grief. She said that when her husband died she hadn’t needed to grieve at all. Needless to say, I think that view is terribly hurtful and unhealthy. If I am struggling, I need to go to God with my concerns and seek help from others who won’t judge and who are able to minister to me with the Lord’s compassion. Speaking from my own experience, God can and does help. “He has born our grief and carried our sorrows”, and we can be sure that Jesus loves us and is powerful enough to bring us through into joy. On the other hand, often our negative emotions can be a result of our unhealthy thoughts. With God’s help, we can give up the lies we believe and receive instead the truth spoken by Jesus, which is full of hope and joy.

I also remain unconvinced by those studies on depression and anger. Simply dwelling on depression is pretty silly — one needs more direction. Simple distraction can work for momentary circumstantial blues, but does nothing to resolve any underlying issues. To really work on anything substantial usually means it gets “worse” before it gets “better” — things get messy, feelings can plummet further, etc — part of the process.

As for expressing anger? I think it has to do mostly with the goal or intention. If the goal is to feed the anger, venting will do that. If the goal is to shed the anger, venting can do that, too. Trying to pretend you’re not angry, trying to stop being angry, won’t do any good at all. Reminding yourself of all you’ve been forgiven, seeking the broader perspective, remembering that you don’t know everything about the situation — can help diffuse and allay anger. Much more effectively than distraction or denial.

You might appreciate Fr. John’s sermon on anger — seems a bit closer to your perspective than mine. Here’s my response including a link to the original sermon: Anger

Maybe it’s true that happiness is something that can be pursued, and nothing wrong with that. But I agree with Tracey that too often the pressure to pretend wins.