About twenty years ago, when we were newly-weds, Harriet Lerner’s books, The Dance of Intimacy and The Dance of Anger were recommended to us.
Essentially–it’s been a while since I read them–the books view relationships as a dance.
Essentially–it’s been a while since I read them–the books view relationships as a dance.
You each have your steps. If you work together in creative, productive ways, the relationship flourishes.
But we also have less creative, stylized, conditioned ways of dancing. You know: boring, predictable. She passive-aggressively pushes his buttons. He explodes. And so on.
And then, a week later, the same, boring, sordid dancing. Getting nowhere. Spinning round and round the dance floor in circles.
The good news is that it takes two to tango. Two to continue in a frustrating, unsatisfying, unproductive dance.
And either one can just change the steps.
* * *
I am slowing down in numerous ways. One way is that I try not to react instinctively. I try to be quiet and think. In fact, if possible, I try not to react at all in heated moments, until I have had time to think and pray, and my emotions settle, and I can act rationally.
And either one can just change the steps.
* * *
I am slowing down in numerous ways. One way is that I try not to react instinctively. I try to be quiet and think. In fact, if possible, I try not to react at all in heated moments, until I have had time to think and pray, and my emotions settle, and I can act rationally.
Jesus is a great role model for “giving no answer.” Not everything needs to be answered. One can simply be silent.
I am learning—and for a formerly hot-tempered, high-spirited woman like me, this is an amazing realization—that I do not need to answer anger with anger, a harsh word with a harsh word. I can simply be silent. I can change the steps of the dance.
Yes, that is an amazing realization for me–that at any time, even in middle age, we can change what we thought were our personalities or characters. We can give a gentle answer, or no answer. We can learn to be gentle and silent, instead of dancing in the exhausting, consuming dance of anger.
Yes, that is an amazing realization for me–that at any time, even in middle age, we can change what we thought were our personalities or characters. We can give a gentle answer, or no answer. We can learn to be gentle and silent, instead of dancing in the exhausting, consuming dance of anger.
In Christ, we are free—and empowered–at any stage of our lives, to change our habitual actions. And thus to change our characters, for character is the result of habitual actions.
Read my new memoir: Rosaries, Reading, Secrets: A Catholic Childhood in India (US) or UK.
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Anita Mathias says
Lol! I used to be very extroverted, and still am an extrovert, but have quietened down a lot as I've grown older, and been a Christian for 23 years.
I now just don't have much energy for drama, so it's just easier to not react, and not engage when emotions are flying raw (I have two teenage girls, in addition to a husband!!). If on reflection, something still bugs me, I will take up that bone, though!!
LA says
For me, as a completely off-the-chart extrovert (talk to think vs think to talk), it has been to challenge myself to TRY to process internally after being challenged. When someone pushes my buttons and I start processing on the outside, people accuse me of being defensive when in reality, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking on the inside. Still working hard on that…sometimes need to excuse myself to a bathroom where I process out loud before rejoining the conversation. People in the toilets think I'm just a nutter, but it really helps.